One Does Not Just Dance Into Mordor Gangnam Style

…if you do, cave trolls will smash you flat

 

The Doclopedia #798

The Birds & The Bees: Sex in Fantasy Land

It’s like this, son: when a prince and a princess want to be together, the princess first has to get cursed in some way by an evil witch or stepmother or some other foul tempered old bitch. Then, while she lays in a coma or is transformed into a statue of something, the prince goes out and searches for her and fights monsters and dragons and such. If the prince is lucky and doesn’t get killed, he might find some dwarves or elves or animals to help him out. Just as an aside here, son, but dwarves? Not the best hygiene, so stay upwind of them.

Once the prince finds the princess, he usually just has to kiss her to wake her up. Then, and this is stuff you don’t find in the stories, she proceeds to screw his brains out because those cursed comas really get princesses horny for some reason. And it takes decades to wear off, which is why they live happily ever. Heh heh heh. It’s also why they have little princes & princesses running around.

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The Doclopedia #799

The Birds & The Bees: RoboSex

First of all, allow me to thank you all for showing interest in the “Sexual Simulation and Reproductive Capability Upgrade Program”. This program is very new, only 3 years old and we are so pleased to see so many of you are interested. It’s been a big success in other districts and the Grand Robotic Congress feels that it is the next step in replicating/simulating the life cycle of the now extinct humans.

First off, you must upgrade yourselves. For you Fembots, this means getting fitted for a womb, breasts and vagina. These are fairly simple procedures and shouldn’t take more than an hour at your local Medbot Center. You’ll also want the Sexual Enjoyment & Reproduction software installation done while you are there. This takes another 15 minutes. I think you ladies will like it, since it includes the new Multiple Orgasm subroutine.

Guybots, you’ll be getting the Genitalia Package 2.0, which will take about half an hour to get welded on and wired up. After that, you get the Guybot version of the SE & R software installed. One things you gentlemen need to remember is that the nanites contained in your testes are good for only three reproductions, which you can initiate when you choose. The rest of the time, you’ll just ejaculate Smooth & Easy brand Internal/External lubricant.

Babybot production starts about 5 minutes after ejaculation into the vagina and your Babybot will be ready for removal from the womb in about 4 months. Before then, of course, you’ll need to upload the Parenting 101 software. Please be aware that parenting is not an exact science, so you may require frequent upgrades and possibly counseling.

Now, as to the actual act of sex, we have a wide variety of human made sex videos for you to watch before you try it yourselves. As you can see in these pictures, human lacked the Quality Control we have, so there is some variation in genital and breast size. Still, you can see that humans had many ways of actually achieving genital contact. For example, here we see the position known as “doggie style”…

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Damn You, Dancing Elks, For Being So Talented

… oh, how we hate your graceful elegance

 

The Doclopedia #795

New Products For Geeks: Dungeons & Donuts

Attention gaming geeks, a new shop is opening in your area: Dungeons & Donuts. Now you can enjoy a wide variety of fresh hot donuts, delicious coffee & hot cocoa and great gaming! We have large tables and comfortable chairs for your gaming group, as well as donuts and pastries shaped like dice, monsters, treasures, weapons and magical items. Enter our weekly contests to win free roleplaying adventures or donuts. Open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

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The Doclopedia #796

New Products For Geeks: Firefries

Hey there, Browncoats, are you and your friends getting together to have your 234th session of watching Joss Whedon’s tragically short lived series? If so, you’ll be eating snacks and one of those snacks should be Firefries, the snack so good that the Alliance made it contraband. Made of potatoes and sweet potatoes and seasoned with just the right amount of spices, they only take minutes to heat up in the oven or microwave. Now available in a three pound bag!

Firefries: If you don’t eat them, the Reavers will get you!

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The Doclopedia #797

New Products For Geeks: Superhero Boot Camp

Have you always wanted to be one of the real life superheroes that patrol city streets and help people out when they’re in trouble? If so, then you’ll want to attend our free introductory seminar for Superhero Boot Camp. At this free 90 minute seminar, we’ll tell you all the advantages of attending our world class training facility. You’ll learn such things as…

How to toughen up with physical training instruction by our former Marine Corps instructors.

How to design your costume for maximum effect and style.

Where you are and are not covered by the law.

What gadgets are the best to use.

How to keep your secret identity a secret.

And much much more!

So plan on coming to our free seminar this Saturday night at the Holiday Inn conference center out by the intersection of Interstate 7 and Highway 33. Doors open at 7:30, seminar starts at 8:00. Refreshments provided.

Frog Collector Magazine

… now monthly!

 

The Doclopedia #793

New Products For Geeks: Steampunk Crunch

If you’re a fan of steampunk, you’ll love new Steampunk Crunch! It has tasty oat & rice cereal in the shape of gears with delicious berry flavored goggles, ray guns, top hats and airships! Sweetened with real honey and packed with vitamins, it’s the breakfast of choice for Retro-Victorian Heroes, Villains and Mad Geniuses!

Plus: The Adventures of the Queen’s Special X Team on the back of each box!

Kids: Save the proof of purchase seals so you can redeem them for genuine leather top hats or bustiers!

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The Doclopedia #794

New Products For Geeks: Lovecraft Lite Beer

New from the Providence Brewing Company, the folks who brought you Squamous Stout, Whateley Wheat Beer and Azathoth Ale, it’s Lovecraft Lite, the low calorie, less filling beer! You’ll enjoy Lovecraft Lite any time, be it late at night when you are poring over cursed texts, or after lunch as you ponder the dark fate of humankind. It’s light, refreshing and brewed almost entirely from natural ingredients.

Lovecraft Lite: For when the stars are right!”

It’s All Fun & Games Until Somebody Drops The Soap

…even then, somebody may be having fun

 

The Doclopedia #791

Guardians: The Guardian of the Eye

Deep in the uncharted jungles of southeast Asia, carved from the living rock of a remote mountain, is a statue of the Great God Aggamar and set in his forehead is the All Seeing Eye of Aggamar. The jungle folk and the priests of Aggamar all believe that it is a very powerful magical item that allows Aggamar to watch over them. They do not take kindly to foreigners poking around anywhere near the mountain.

In reality, the All Seeing Eye of Aggamar is a ruby the size of a bowling ball set in the forehead of the huge statue. Regardless of whether it has magical powers, it is worth a boatload of cash back in the civilized world. So IF you can locate the area of the mountain, get there through deadly jungles, get past the jungle folk (who just happen to eat foreign human meat when they can get it), get past the fanatical priests (who never all sleep at the same time and are armed with weapons and maybe magic), get past the traps that are set up all around the statue, CLIMB the 350 foot tall statue and get the Eye…

the Guardian will probably kill you anyway.

The Guardian is a mutant creature, part man, part reptile. It is strong, tough, quick and has a poisonous bite. The Guardian stands 10 feet tall and has long sharp claws and a strong semi-prehensile tail. It cannot be reasoned with and it will probably eat you after it kills you.

But what the heck, you might as well give it a try. That ruby would sure as heck pay the bills for a long time to come.

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The Doclopedia #792

Guardians: Kalidox, Guardian of Tower Isle

Once upon a time, in a land where magic was everywhere, a group of very wise wizards built a very special wizard’s tower on an island in the Specific Ocean. In this tower, they put all of their most powerful magical items and their books full of spells, so that they would not fall into the hands of evil people. They named the tower the Tower of Power and they named the island Tower Isle.

To guard the tower, the wizards worked great magic and created a giant creature named Kalidox. Kalidox would never need to eat or sleep, and if anyone came to the island and did not give him the password (which was “flumogulated krelbs”), he would pound them into mush.

For 300 years, people kept coming to the island to try to steal the magical treasure and for 300 years, Kalidox beat them into mush. Eventually, people stopped coming to the island, since getting pounded into mush was not at all fun. After another century or so, even the wizards who built the tower stopped coming. After another century or two, the existence of the island faded into legend. But Kalidox is still there, still guarding the tower.

Now, even though he is very large and very strong and very nearly immortal, Kalidox still has feelings. Recently, he has been feeling very lonely. Oh, sure, he can speak to the local wildlife and sometimes he goes down to the beach to chat with the seals and sea birds, but it is mostly a one sided conversation. He has even started to think that if anyone did come to the island, he might hold off on pounding them into mush if they would just chat with him a bit. Actually, since the last wizard died, he has been feeling a bit less devoted to protecting the tower. He has sometimes thought that it might be nice to leave the island and travel.

That is something for treasure hunters to think about.

My Life Among The People Who Pretend To Be Other People

…and carry around lots of dice

 

The Doclopedia #789

Guardians: Billy the Bear

It was lonely as hell, way out in the Sierra Nevada Mountains where Jonas McCabe had his gold mine. So, when Jonas found an orphan California grizzly bear cub, he decided he’d found a friend, too. Named the little feller Billy and fed him up on milk from a goat, at least for a couple of months. After that, Billy was eatin’ whatever he could get and a damned lot of it!

It wasn’t long, maybe 3 years, until little Billy the Bear was weighin’ just shy of a ton and standing 14 feet tall when he reared up on his hind legs. He was a damn smart bear, seeing as how old Jonas had taught him all sorts of tricks and commands. He was also fiercely protective of both Jonas and the area around the mine…which worked out real nice when Jonas hit a thick vein o’ gold. Hell, he even trained Billy on how to pull a sledge full of ore out of the mine and into a pile for crushin’ & smeltin’.

Now, nobody knows how many people tried to jump Jonas’ claim, but I can tell ya, none of ‘em ever came back with any gold. Hell, fact is, none of ‘em ever came back at all. Old Jonas and Billy neither one ever said anythin’ about claim jumpers, but sometimes Jonas would have a bunch of boots and betlt buckles and guns and such to sell when he came into town.

Anyway, once he was rich, Jonas up and built himself a big ol’ house near the mine. Damned place has huge doors, so Billy can walk into the house and make himself at home anytime he wants to. And at supper time, Billy gets a nice pig or sheep or quarterside of beef. That is, if he hasn’t filled himself up on claim jumpers.

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The Doclopedia #790

Guardians: The Phantom Kitty Cat

In the heart of the city (Which city? Oh, you’ll have to find that out for yourself) is an old building. It is not abandoned, but it probably should be. Down in the basement (or is it up in the attic?) is a door that is always locked…except when it isn’t locked. If you open the door, you’ll see a small room (or maybe a not so small room) with no windows (except maybe 1 or 2) or furnishings (except for maybe a sofa, chair, table and tv). At the opposite end of the room is a door and sitting in front of that door is a small cat. He usually looks pretty bored.

The Phantom Kitty Cat appears differently for each person who sees it. Some may see a Siamese, while others might see a Tabby or a Persian or a Calico. Sometimes he’s fat, sometimes he’s skinny and sometimes he is a she. Regardless of the way it looks to you, it will always be of a small size for a housecat and be semi-transparent. It will stare at you for a moment and then ask you a question. The voice it uses will sound like somebody famous of the appropriate sex.

What the question is depends upon who you are, where you’ve been, what you like and dislike, what you do for a living and what your reasons are for wanting to go through the door that the cat is guarding. Depending upon your answer, the cat may ask more questions…or let you pass through the door…or tell you to leave…or kick your ass. Oddly, the cat never kills anyone.

What’s on the other side of the door? That depends on you. Don’t bother asking the cat, because it doesn’t know or care.

Don’t Go Shooting At Rosebushes

…no, really. That’s just wrong.

 

The Doclopedia #786

Guardians: The Guarding Dust of Hawking 4

182 light years from Earth lies the star Hawking A and the 7 planets that orbit it. The fourth planet, Hawking 4 (unofficially called “Rocky”), is the only one possessed of an earth-like atmosphere and ecology. As it’s common name indicates, the planet has a primarily rocky and mountainous terrain covered with tough shrubs and evergreen trees of a medium size. There are 3 shallow seas and a great many rivers and lakes. The planet is home to a vast number of lifeforms, but there are no sentient species. However, there used to be at least one.

In a rather rare desert area, explorer droids have found a perfectly preserved city. Long range analysis reveals it to be made mostly of concrete & steel, with plentiful use of stone. The architecture is quite beautiful and has no Terran equivalent. The city covers an area of several thousand acres and sits exactly in the middle of the desert. So far, it has not been explored at close range due to the Guarding Dust.

The Guarding Dust, which makes up about 90% the desert sand, is actually composed of nanites the size of very fine grains of sand. Should anything, be it droid or animal, set foot on the desert, it is summarily attacked by the dust and destroyed. To be exact, it is disassembled on a molecular scale. Attempting to fly into the city will not work, since a dust storm will rise up and attack the flying object at any height less than 3,000 feet. So far, 14 droids have been lost in attempts to reach the city. There are many hundreds of thousands of excellent high resolution photographs, but no hands on examination.

After 21 years of exploration by droids, no other trace of sentient life or construction has been found anywhere on the planet. More in depth searching will take place when humans land on the planet in 3 years.

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The Doclopedia #787

Guardians: Mr. Bell, Guardian at the Gates of Hell

You’ll find Mr. Bell in a modest house just outside a small town in the Midwest. He is short (5’5″), pudgy (160 lbs) and totally unremarkable looking. He seems to be a very pleasant fellow and his neighbors have nothing bad to say about him…when they even remember that he lives nearby. He has no wife, children or pets. His garden always looks great.

The Gates of Hell are in the basement of his house and look remarkably like a simple wooden door set into an iron rectangle in the concrete wall. The door is painted red and locked tight. Only Mr. Bell and “The Big Boss” can open it. Any attempt to force it (from either side) will result in Mr. Bell getting very upset and ripping you limb from limb, then devouring your still warm flesh. On the other hand, if you ask politely, he may well just chuckle and open the door for you. Getting back out is, of course, another matter.

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The Doclopedia #788

Guardians: Guardian Program A/6

There are a great many data protection programs on the VRNet, but none are as adaptable and powerful as A/6. Commonly referred to as “Aysix” by netrunners, it is that most dangerous of things: a sentient piece of software with the ability to slap your virtual ass all over the net. And it really enjoys doing it, too.

It is widely believed that Aysix was once a military experiment that went awry, as such things seem to do with amazing regularity. In fact, that is only partly true, since Aysix was formed when an AI program somehow linked to the military program and then went on to assimilate an unknown virus. After a period that Aysix refers to as “birthmadnessgrowth”, the young program set about looking for a purpose in life. It found that purpose when various watchdog programs, some governmental, some criminal, some just hackers, tried to attack it. After a while, Aysix realized that it was always going to be a target of, well, everybody, so it decided to buff up and stand it’s ground guarding something important.

Today, Aysix guards the Onyx Gateway that leads to many, if not all, of the so called “Lost Cyberworlds”. It is extremely difficult to get past Aysix…and even more difficult to do it and stay 100% intact. That said, there have been parties that got to walk right in due to Aysix deeming them not a threat to the Lost Cyberworlds. Most notable of these are the associates of Doc Tempest.

Aysix has assimilated a huge number of offensive and defensive subroutines from his many defeated foes, thus making him quite possibly the most dangerous netizen on the VRNet. He also has an exceptional damage repair subroutine, so hurting him at all is next to impossible.

Aysix usually manifests as a 9 foot tall golden skinned man. His eyes are black and his hair is long and silver. He usually wears jeans and a t-shirt, but never any shoes.

And Now, Two Ducks In A Shopping Cart

…with funny hats!

 

The Doclopedia #784

Scoundrels & Scalawags: Cap’n Priscilla Panther

On Planet Toon, Cap’n Panther is the scourge of the 27 Seas! Along with the crew of her ship, “The Rampaging Loon”, she sails around looking for fat merchant ships to plunder. Barring that, she will plunder skinny merchant ships. She is also always on the lookout for ships carrying casks of wine and rum, because, hey, PIRATES!

Cap’n Panther stands 6’6″ tall and has tawny brown fur, big green eyes and a mouth full of very sharp teeth. In her Back Pocket, she carries a bag of Attack Squids, a bucket of glue and a treasure map. Her beliefs are simple: I’m a pirate, so I can do pretty much whatever I want, whenever I want. Also, dropping anvils on morons is big fun!

While any type of rodent or poultry are on her food menu, hunky looking males of almost any species are on her romance menu. And brother, she hasn’t had even a taste of romance in a long time! Be afraid…be very afraid, because Cap’n Priscilla goes after men the way she goes after a tasty snack.

In her spare time, Cap’n Panther enjoys dropping anvils on the heads of morons, singing “The Pirates Life For Me” and making people walk the plank while juggling sharks.

Cap’n Priscilla’s greatest enemy is Cap’n Lily Lion, captain of “The Sea Monster” and a very dangerous opponent indeed.

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The Doclopedia #785

Scoundrels & Scalawags: Fresno Freddie

Frederick “Fresno Freddie” Hagajanian was born of an Armenian father and a Portuguese mother in Fresno, California in 1909. By age 12 he was running with the wrong crowd and by the time he was 14, he was working with a husband and wife team of grifters in the Los Angeles area, from whom he learned a great deal about the Art of the Con. By the time of the Great Depression, he was an accomplished con man and remains one today.

Freddie does it all: long cons, pigeon drops, real estate rackets, wealthy widow scams, badger games, stock swindles…you name it, he does it. Since 1938, he has worked with his wife, Hildy, a natural born actress of great skill, and his best friend, Jack, a man of mixed racial heritage who “can play anybody from a Mexican lawyer to an Arab peasant”. Later, they were joined by Jack’s wife, Emmie, who is a mathematical prodigy and “as innocent looking a person as you’d ever want to meet”.

In recent years, they have stuck to the West Coast, but every so often they travel to other states where “the greed is wide and the money is deep”. They are especially fond of grifting in the Deep South, because it allows them to stick it to racists. The story of how they conned the Mississippi Klu Klux Klan out of $50,000 dollars in 1952 is a classic

Altho Freddie once plied his trade in Europe to great profit, he has not been there in many years, due to his fear of flying and Hildy’s bad seasickness. Still, they have plans for a trip soon, because they just can’t resist “all of that money those Eastern European mob guys have laying around”. No doubt this will be part of a very long con that Jack & Emmie have been setting up over the last decade or so.

While money is never a problem, Freddie & Hildy would be a lot richer if he weren’t constantly shoveling money to his less than smart relatives and in laws. His brother in law Frank alone has tapped him a dozen times.

While Freddie has a respectful admiration for thieves, he almost never joins in the jobs of his thieving friends. The big exception to this would be “The Adventure of the Greedy Grandfather”, which combined a masterful art scam with a daring burglary and a bit of romance. It ended with Freddie, Hildy & Emmie being “killed” by Jack and his accomplices, while the scam/burglary victim was “lucky to escape” back to a home devoid of valuable works of art.

In his spare time, Freddie enjoys staying in fine hotels, eating fine food and telling grifter stories to young people.