Doc Tempest VS The Halloween Horror

… from the October, 1958 issue

 

I’M FINISHED!

Here it is, folks, the final entry in my “366 Days, 500 Entries” challenge to myself. My, oh my, what a journey this has been! My head, she nearly esplode many times. Still, it has been fun.

 

This will mark the end of Doclopedia entries for a couple of months, but the will be back in a less than daily form starting in early January. For now, I’ll be making another run at NaNoWriMo during November, then using December for other writing projects.

 

And now, enjoy this final entry.

 

The Doclopedia #893

How I Met My Wife: The Whole True Story!

 

(NOTE: These are not true. The true story involves a BBS picnic on Labor Day, 1995 and an impromptu discussion of how wildly varied the animal world is in regards to the structure of the penis.)

 

It was a rainy day in the Big City, the kind of rainy day that makes you want to stay inside your warm office with a bottle of scotch and a fistful of Oreos. The kind of day when you wish you had just one ray of sunshine to brighten things up.

 

I was just about to call my bookie and put a twenty down on the ponies when that ray of sunshine walked into my office.

 

She was tall and blond and wearing a dress that cost more than my last three cars combined. He perfume drifted across the room and made everything kind of dreamy. She had the face of an angel and big green eyes that made you think of sunny meadows. And her lips? Brother, those lips were made for kissing.

 

Hello, Mr. Cross. My name is Grace and I was hoping you could help me with a problem I have.”

 

Well, I’ll do all I can, Grace. Why don’t you have a seat and tell me all about it?”

 

Part of me was hoping her problem involved not having somebody to keep her warm at night. The rest of me was checking out her legs.

 

Or maybe it was…

 

(Please imagine William Shatner reading this to you.)

 

Captain’s log, stardate 2265.4, Captain Doc Cross reporting.

 

We have beamed down to the surface of Zeta 5 to attend a conference on interplanetary trade. While some of my officers are eager to attend the seminars, most of them are…looking at this as shore leave,…myself included.

 

After going to the unavoidable meet & greets, I…set off…to find a place for a drink and possibly play a few hands of Fizzbin. Along the way, I stopped by a bakery…for a quick bite to eat. That’s where I met her.

 

He name is Grace and…she’s intelligent, curvy, smiles a lot…and has pale green skin. I’ve always liked green skin. Naturally, I wanted to…bed her as soon as possible. She was…of course…immediately attracted to my…manliness, as most women are.

 

She closed the shop early.

 

Now…several hours later..I can’t stop thinking of her. Could she…be the one…the woman I’ve been searching for?

 

 

Or it could have been…

 

Doczilla had already laid waste to half of Tokyo and it looked as though nothing would stop the 300 foot tall monster from destroying the rest of the city. Even now, his atomic fire breath was destroying entire city blocks each time he used it. The city was in a panic and Doczilla loved it. He was really on a roll this time.

 

He had just knocked over an office building and stomped a few tanks when he saw a figure emerge from the smoke ahead of him. Doczilla paused to see if this was friend or foe.

 

It was Gracezilla, Queen of the Monsters. Her scales dripped with seawater, her eyes blazed with rage, a bit of radioactive drool rolled down her chin and in between her teeth were the remains of several Tokyo citizens and a 1965 Toyota police car.

 

My God, she was beautiful!

 

Doczilla looked at her and roared louder than ever before. She roared back, then batted her eyelashes. They each roared several more times, then Doczilla waved a clawed hand towards the remaining undamaged portion of the city. Gracezilla nodded and then, hand in hand, the two enormous kaiju merrily resumed laying waste to the city. Together.

 

It was love at first sight.

Give Me All The Chocolate Bars And Nobody Gets Hurt

..Damn, I love Halloween!

The Doclopedia #888 How I Got The Nickname “Doc”: The Prison Story

(NOTE: None of these stories are true. Despite persistent rumors, I have never done time in prison.)

 

I got the nickname when I did a nickel in Chino back in the late 70’s. I was the only guy on my cell block with any medical knowledge, so I helped guys out when they got hurt, so the bulls wouldn’t report them. It made my stretch go by a whole lot easier.”

The Doclopedia #889 How I Got The Nickname “Doc”: The Actor Story

(NOTE: None of these stories are true, but there are a whole bunch of people who would tell you that I am, in fact, an actor.)

 

When I was little…like, 3 years old…I was one of the stars of “The Tiny Scamps”, which was a popular show back in Ireland, where I was born. I was on it two years, before we moved to America. My character was called “Doctor Billy”, so everyone just called me “Doc”.

The Doclopedia #890 How I Got The Nickname “Doc”: The Science Story

(NOTE: None of these stories are true. I am not a trained or accredited scientist, and if I were, I’d be of the Mad Scientist variety.)

 

“Well, see, I worked as a scientist for the government for several years. Top secret quantum time shit I can’t talk about and when I left the project, I was pretty burnt out. Trust me, being a pizza delivery guy is way less stressful than opening time portals. Aw, fuck! Forget that I said that.”

 

The Doclopedia #891 How I Got The Nickname “Doc”: The Native American Story

(NOTE: None of these stories are true. Any Native American ancestry of mine is from maybe 5 or 6 generations back, at least. Also, I pulled that “Indian Name” outta my ass just now.)

 

It come from my Grandma, who is ½ Native American. The full name is Dakana Wahentah, which means “speaks to animals”, but everyone shortened it to “Dak” and then “Doc”. Yeah, I know I don’t look very much like a Native American. The Irish part won out.”

The Doclopedia #892 How I Got The Nickname “Doc”: The Naughty Doctor Story

(NOTE: None of these stories are true, but this one does come close:)

 

 

“Oh, well, I got it from the various women I’ve dated over the years. Depending on who you ask, it’s short for either “Doctor Love” or “Doctor Feelgood”. Oh no, I make no statements as to the truth of those names, I just let the ladies give their own testimony. I’m just a simple country lad with humble skills in the erotic arts & sciences. Leave the party and go to your place? As a Doctor, I prescribe such a course of treatment.”

Lucy & Sasha Versus Satan’s Kitty

…mostly, Satan’s Kitty just sat on the fence and yawned while they barked

 

The Doclopedia #881

Random Stuff!: El Wimpo


The masked wrestler known as El Wimpo was, at first glance, not anybody that you would bet on to win a wrestling match. Standing 5’4” tall and weighing just 110 pounds, most other wrestlers dwarfed him. His squeaky voice and baggy homemade costume brought howls of laughter from everybody at his first event. This laughter lasted right up until he tossed El Toro Negro clean out of the ring in the first 15 seconds. Then, he tossed him back into the ring and pinned him. Total match time: 52 seconds. Since then, nobody has laughed at El Wimpo. With 168 wins and no losses, he is now the most popular luchador in all of Mexico.

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The Doclopedia #882

Random Stuff!: Diminsh Genitals Spell


This is the most hated spell in all of wizardom. It reduces the size of male genitals by 75% and lasts for up to a year. Just the threat of it has caused entire armies to turn tail and run. As such, it is now banned in 65 countries and 7 planes of existence. Even studying it can earn a wizard the death penalty in some places. Sadly, there is no Enlarge Genitals spell, although Murgolf the Magnificent once made millions selling a fake Enlarge Genitals potion.

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The Doclopedia #883

How I Got The Nickname “Doc”: The War Story

 

(NOTE: None of these stories are true. In this case, I was 14 years old in 1968.)

 

I got the nickname when I was a medic in the army in Viet Nam, back in 1968. I was there for a year and it was pretty terrible, so I don’t like talking about it.”
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The Doclopedia #884

How I Got The Nickname “Doc”: The Baby Story


(NOTE: None of these stories are true. In this case, all of my english teachers were past their child bearing years.)

“When I was a sophomore in high school, my english teacher, Mrs. Johnson, went into labor just as class was starting. Her water broke and she was having hella contractions. The paramedics were on the way, but that baby wasn’t going to wait. Nobody else knew what to do, but I was a farm boy and had seen plenty of other mammals give birth, so I was pretty much just able to catch the baby when it came out. It was a little girl and Mrs. Johnson named her Roberta. The paramedics arrived two minutes later.”

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The Doclopedia #885

How I Got The Nickname “Doc”: The Doctor Story #1

 

(NOTE: None of these stories are true. In this case, I am not an actual Doctor of any sort.)

 

I used to be a Doctor of Experimental Surgery, but I quit when those fools at the Institute condemned my experiments. Is is my fault that giving a human being wings won’t actually let them fly?”

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The Doclopedia #886

How I Got The Nickname “Doc”: The Doctor Story #2

 

(NOTE: None of these stories are true. In this case, besides not being a Doctor, if I was, I wouldn’t be a friggin’ economist.)

 

Yes, I have a Doctorate in Economics, but I’m able to earn much more money working in a restaurant. Besides, people don’t blame me when the economy goes in the shitter.”

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The Doclopedia #887

How I Got The Nickname “Doc”: The Doctor Story #3

 

(NOTE: None of these stories are true, although in this case…)

 

Oh, well, I’m a freelance gynocologist. Yeah, no office means low overhead and a less intimidating setting for exams. Also, I keep all of my instruments at body temperature.”

 

The Rare And Beautiful Blue Furred Monkeybats Of Potawango Island

…they fling poo, but it smells like lavender

 

The Doclopedia #877

Random Stuff!: How To Survive A Zombie Rising


When the zombies started raising hell on May 7th, 2009, Max Lanofsky was the first person in his neighborhood to know about it, because his cousin Adam called him from the Air Force base and had enough time to say “Shit’s on, Max! Zombies!” before he had to run off and fly his helicopter.

 

Now, Max had chosen his home site well. His neighbors all had gardens and plenty of useful stuff. Better yet, most of them were yuppies who spent a lot of their time at work or out of town. Better than that, his neighbor two doors down was Jimbo Richards, a survivalist. Jimbo lived in a fortress of a home with his wife (also a survivalist/conspiracy nut) and his sweet old mother, who often referred to her son & daughter in law as “a couple of goddamn nuts”.

 

So on that fateful day, he walked over to Jimbo’s house and casually asked the gun nut if he had heard about that big truckload of automatic weapons that turned over out on the interstate. Mr. & Mrs. Jimbo were out of the house so fast they nearly knocked Max over. Jimbo’s mom, Polly, was laughing up a storm. It seems she had heard about the zombies from her friend Mrs. Figgins about an hour earlier. She knew there was no truck spill on the interstate, but if it got “Jimbo & the Bimbo” out of the house, that was ok with her.

 

So, while Max’s wife called up certain friends & relatives to come on over for the duration, his kids brought over stuff from their house and Polly baked cookies, Max set about looting the yuppie homes for food and other useful stuff, including one guy’s extensive collection of swords and other weapons.

 

When the realatives & friends arrived, they helped get more houses zombieproofed. By the time the first walking dead appeared, everybody was armed and they had lots of fun shooting zombies in the head. Indoors, the kids played video games and the older folks watched the news.

 

Meanwhile, Jimbo & his wife had a hell of a time dodging zombies and ended up spending the next 18 months in an old prison down near Lompoc. Maybe they shouldn’t have left home in such a hurry that the forgot to take any weapons.

 

Anyway, Max & his gang did really well, what with all the food Jimbo had stored up and the gardens in every yard and the fact that the zombies were slow and stupid and the military coming in with truckloads of brains and leading the zombies to the desert where they could be napalmed. Once all the zombies were gone, Max moved out of Jimbo’s house and everything was back to nearly normal.

 

Except that none of the yuppies ever came home. Seems that zombies really like yuppie brains.
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The Doclopedia #878

Random Stuff!: Boris Zemlesmikov

 

In 1863, 25 year old Boris was working as a chemist in St. Petersburg when he stumbled onto a formula that seemed to heal wounds with remarkable speed. After several experiments, he noticed that it would cure most diseases, too. Seeing a very prosperous future for himself, Boris began mixing up a large batch of the stuff, intent on using it to become a doctor to the wealthy & powerful.

 

As often happens, things went a bit differently when the vat full of formula got too hot and exploded, soaking Boris with boiling liquid. Mad from pain, he ran screaming into the Russian winter night. The formula had given him superior endurance, so he ran a very long way before stopping. When he did, he was way out in the forest, alone and nearly naked. His body was no longer in pain and he was very hungry. He started walking, but fell off a cliff and into a river.

 

When Boris woke up, he was 100 miles downstream, nearly frozen and had lost much of his memory of the past few years. He was miles along on his walk back to the city, having stolen some clothes in a village, when he heard that much of St. Peterburg was engulfed in flames that had gotten their start at his lab. Now a wanted man, Boris changed his course and headed for Europe. Eventually, he got to Paris and started life anew as a baker.

 

As time passed, Boris realized that besides having an incredible healing rate, he also wasn’t aging at the normal rate. In 1893, he left Paris for London and started another new life. He would repeat this every 20-30 years, each time moving to a new country or city. By 2003, Boris was 165 years old and looked 70. He had settled down on a small farm near Adelaide, Australia. At some point in 2008, he was bitten on the same day by a tiger snake and a funnel web spider, which made him quite sick and feverish for a couple of days. As before, Boris recovered fully, but this time he found that he felt a bit off. By 2012, he knew that he was aging at the normal rate, even though his healing factor was still way above normal. Boris died at his farm in November of 2033 at the age of 195.

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The Doclopedia #879

Random Stuff!: Farty The Chipmunk

 

This animated series ran on the Kidz! Channel for 7 years. It followed the antics of Farty the Chipmunk, his pal Hortense Hare and the other screwy denizens of Creekside Woods. Much of the humor came from tiny little Farty ripping off humongously loud farts of hurricane force. Kids and adult men loved the show, but mothers around the world hated it. It was finally cancelled after many kids (and adult men) tried to replicate the “Farty’s Fiery Farts” episode.

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The Doclopedia #880

Random Stuff!: The Dungeon Of The Dwarven King


This is a very large four level dungeon with miles of twisty mazelike passages and plenty of secret rooms. While the possibility of great loot is surely there, so are a wide variety of deadly monsters, including stone spirits, green rats, slime spewers and wind dragons. There are also many traps, most of which are designed to humiliate rather than kill or injury.

 

The dungeon lies under the Demonspine Mountains and is accessible from at least five different caves.

This Blog Is Not Really Here

…if you can see it, maybe you aren’t here either

 

The Doclopedia #873

Random Stuff!: Umik The Odd

 

Umik was always a bit strange, but that was not too big a deal in the Clan of the Red Bear. Life in the far northern forests was enough to make anybody, even a mighty warrior, go a bit funny in the head. So as long as he stayed up north with his people, he was good to go.

 

Naturally, Umik did not stay up north or this piece would have ended with that first paragraph. No, at the tender age of 30, Umik decided to head south to find fortune and glory as a sword for hire. By the time he reached the first civilized city on the southern edge of the Yellow Plains, Umik had seen enough strange things (including the Floating Heads of Gu’Har, the Great Black Spider and the Sideways Forest) to have moved him from “a bit strange” to “not right in the head” in most people’s opinion. He often talked to himself and sometimes crooned lullabyes to his sword. Despite this, he found ready work as a swordsmen, a job which often took him to exotic locales where he sometimes encountered even more strange things which made him even more odd.

 

Nobody really knows what eventually became of Umik. Around about age 60, he rode off with some friends to go fight in a distant war, but he never arrived. His friends say that one night he walked out of camp saying, “I must go find the birds”, which they all took as a euphimism for taking a dump. He never returned and has not been seen since.

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The Doclopedia #874

Random Stuff!: Planet Of The Pigs

 

This was another of those wretched Sye Fye Channel movies and was, as you might expect, a ripoff of Planet Of The Apes. The CGI effects were terrible, the fourth string actors looked bored and the dialogue was laughable. Naturally, the channel made two sequels, the final one featuring a Giant Sharkosnaketopus.

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The Doclopedia #875

Random Stuff!: Hoovozark Soup

 

On the planet Breel, Hoovozark soup is darned near everyone’s favorite soup, especially during the incredibly cold 16 winter months. It warms a being up and sticks to your ribs. Well, if they had proper ribs, it would stick to them.

 

Like most Terran soups, this one stars with water and vegetables and herbs. What really makes it great is the addition of plenty of skwirf meat and a big dollop of yeezil butter. Cook that mess up for a few hours and you’ve got some good eating! It is always served with a big slice of fungus bread and a mug of caglat extract. Yum yum!

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The Doclopedia #876

Random Stuff!: The Dance Of The Wienerdogs

 

In 1994, at 6 pm GMT, every dachshund in the world began doing exactly the same little dance. Three steps to the left…bark once…turn 90 degrees right…three steps to the right…bark once…repeat this all twice…stop…bark three times…spin around clockwise four times…stop…bark…fall over and go to sleep.

 

At first, most people with just one or two dachshunds just thought it was cute, but breeders with several thought it was damned strange. When news reports started coming in and the extent of the behavior was know, EVERYBODY thought it was damned strange and a few folks started to freak out.

 

At least three new religions popped up, many scientific studies began and a bunch of governments got a bit more paranoid, but nobody ever found out exactly what the hell happened. All the wienerdogs tested were perfectly normal and no dog anywhere has ever repeated the dance. Of course, conspiracy theories abound, mostly believed by nutcases.

The Sad Ballad Of Jim The Jackalope

…coyotes sing four part harmony

 

The Doclopedia #870

Random Stuff!: Ratburger

 

After a terrible screw up with GMO grains in 2014, most of the cattle, goats, sheep, poultry & pigs on the planet died out. You might think this would be terrible news for the nutrition of the human populace, but at the same time the livestock were dying, the common brown rat was mutating into a 1,000 pound giant that people eventually found was good eatin’.

 

Most of the big fast food chains either closed down or switched to soy or veggie burgers, but all of them were trying to figure out how they might use rat meat without the public getting wise to it. After all, ratburgers would be a PR nightmare, right?

 

Nope. One small midwestern chain, Bill’s Burgers, decided to just say screw it and start selling ratburgers right out in the open rather than close their 24 stores. The owner, Bill Huggins, figured people would either eat the burgers or not, so what the hell.

 

His bet paid off big time. It seems people were hungry for real meat burgers and after seeing the ads about how these giant rats were raised in sanitary & disease free conditions, they gave it a try. Besides, veggie burgers just plain sucked. Within a year, Bill had stores on both coasts and after two years, he had 200 stores total. The third year, he bought the Burger Duke & Windee’s chains. In year four, he bought Taco Bull and opened 300 new stores. By 2020, Ratburgers (the chain’s new name) had 9,000 stores worldwide. The money was just rolling in like a ratburger tsunami.

 

Rumor has it that the company is looking to diversify by buying the Kentucky Fried Pheasant chain.

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The Doclopedia #871

Random Stuff!: The Mental Empowerment Machine

 

From the “London Science! News”, July 12th, 1887

This amazing machine, powered by steam and exemplifying all that is great about Science!, uses electricity and chemistry to alter the mind of the subject in such a way as to cause even the most dull witted of men to become geniuses! After only 6 hours of treatment, a common laborer from the countryside was able to read and understand great literature as well as grasp higher mathematics. Think of it: an end to dullwittedness among Englishmen, thus leading to the greater glory of the Empire! Come and see and sign up to be treated by this great device in action tonight at the Grand Hall of Science! at 7:30.

 

Please note: Treatments given to men of good British lineage only. No Europeans, Americans, people of color or women will be treated. Men of superior intellect need not apply.

 

(Sadly, the device was stolen mere hours before it could be shown off. Rather amazing, really, since it was roughly the size of a modern deluxe motorhome and weighed 9 tons. Even worse, it was stolen by women, who used it to make vast numbers of their sex into geniuses who eventually took control of the world. Her Majesty, Queen Victoria, was most amused and pleased by this.)

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The Doclopedia #872

Random Stuff!: Dungeons R Us

 

This company builds dungeons for use with Live Action Roleplaying Games (LARPs). These dungeons are almost always set up in a large warehouse and can be up to three levels deep. Since the entire dungeon is made of reuseable and reconfigurable sections, setup is fast & easy. Rental for a three level dungeon with up to 90 rooms is $9,000.00 for 24 hours. LARPers are expected to provide their own monsters, treasures and any dungeon accessories not provided with the dungeon. Installation of webcams to vidcast the entire adventure are available for an extra fee.

 

Soybean Stew

…healthy and fartilicious!

The Doclopedia #867

Random Stuff!: Zebra Fever

On Earth 22A, in the year 1966, a strange plague ravaged the planet, causing all humans to develop streaky skin colors that included skin tones from all the various ethnic groups. In addition, everyone developed curly red hair, green eyes and full lips. By the time it was all over, everybody looked the same. These changes were genetic, so their children had the same look. Many people heralded this as a wonderful thing, since humans could no longer hate each other based upon what color their skin was. Yes, people would live in peace and everyone was equal.

Except for tall people…and short people…and fat people…and women…and the various political ideologies…and religious beliefs…and females…and males…skinny people…left handers…nerds…jocks…old folks…teenagers…hockey fans…wine snobs…cat lovers….bikers…the French…

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The Doclopedia #868

Random Stuff!: Space Trek Meets Space Wars

This movie was proposed in 2000 by the studios behind the Space Trek and Space Wars franchises. Many high profile directors were announced as being in the running as director. The budget would be 200 million dollars. The story & script were to be written by fan favorite writers, It would be incredible!

Unfortunately, the project had to be shelved after 25,946 fanboys died of heart attacks from just reading the first press release.

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The Doclopedia #869

Random Stuff!: Canine Duplication Syndrome

This disease, which is uncommon, but not rare, affects dogs of all ages, sizes, breeds and sexes. In short, it causes the dog to spontaeneously create up to three duplicates of itself. While the duplicates are in all ways just like the original dog, that only means that there is X times the chances of the dogs doing whatever naughty/destructive/disgusting things the original might be prone to do. Entire houses have been ravaged by these duplicates and their originals. No shoes or garbage cans are safe. Taking your dog for a walk can be an ordeal. Cleaning up poop in your yard can take hours. Your cat? Expect him/her to leave town.

There is no known cure for CDS, but scientists are working on it.

The Bear Liberation Front

…they’re coming for you, Steven Colbert

 

The Doclopedia #865

Random Stuff!: Britwan (AKA The Britwish Isles)

 

Britwan is made up of three main islands (Britwan, Dorland & Litria) and 47 smaller islands, the largest of which is Woygon and the smallest of which is North Rock. All of the islands were “conquered” by the ancient Britwish monarch, King Borton the Bold, about 1,000 years ago. This conquest was pretty bloodless and, in fact, was welcomed by the Dorlish faeries and the Litrian tribesmen, since Borton pretty much killed off all of the large & dangerous predators in each land and also brought much desired trade between the three lands. Everybody prospered and didn’t have to watch out fot dragonsnakes or tentacle bears, which is why there are statues of King Borton all over the place.

 

Dorland and Britwan have a pretty mild climate, while Litria is a good deal colder and wetter much of the year. Dorland has few mountains, but many rolling forest covered hills. Britwan has a few mountains, five broad river valleys, a chain of medium sized lakes and light forests everywhere but on the mountains. Litria is half rolling plains and half rough mountains covered in huge ancient forests. Litria also has the most mineral wealth of all the islands.

 

Magic is strongest in Dorland, fairly weak in Britwan and wild & dangerous in Litria. Magical creatures tend to be much like the magic on each island.

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The Doclopedia #866

Random Stuff!: A Very Useful Walking Cane For Gentlemen

 

As you can see, Sir Peter, this cane is hand carved from the finest mahogany, then hand polished. As one might expect, it holds a sword of the finest steel, but there are some other additions of note. The crystal globe that serves as the cane’s head is, in fact, the magnifier for one of the new electric torches that is hidden in the handle of the sword. It is quite bright and the batteries will give up to four hours of continuous light. Very handy, to be sure.”

 

Now, let us examin the other end of the cane. This last three inches are lead filled steal with very fine engraving. The lead allows quite a blow to be administered to ruffians, vicious dogs or wild beasts. If one goes a bit further up the cane to this carving of a dragon, we find that it slides back to reveal six waterproof matches. The carving of a griffon slides open to allow one to store a small item or two. Finally, back up below the handle, we see a compass imbedded into the cane and a carving of a lion that will nicely hold several pound notes.”

 

Oh, of course we can, deliver it along with your other items. Now, please allow me to show you a most remarkable pair of shoes.”

Mr. Porkwaffle Attempts To Barbecue A Pig

…this will not end well

 

The Doclopedia #862

Random Stuff!: The Lost City Of Gorlumek

 

Saying that the Great Forest of Yurr is dangerous is like saying that water is wet. This huge forest covers nearly two million acres and is home to creatures like noctomorphs, fangbears, kreeloks and greater death apes. Even the plants found there are dangerous, especially the soul fungus and the daggerweed. The weather in the forest ranges from foggy & wet to icy cold with plenty of snow. In all, the Great Forest of Yurr is a place best avoided by sane folk.

 

And yet, dozens of adventurers willingly enter the forest every year in a possibly suicidal attempt to find the Lost City of Gorlumek.

 

The city, which we know existed a thousand years ago, before it was destroyed by Dark Magic, once housed over a quarter million people. A high percentage of them were mages & wizards, since Gorlumek was the center for magic for the ancient Fwaan Empire. The production of magical weapons, armor and devices was a booming industry. But, as mentioned above, something went wrong and the city was destroyed and all of the people in it were killed. With Gormulek gone, the Fwaan Empire fell soon after.

 

Legend says that the city sits in the exact center of the forest, near a river and a lake. Legend does not say what might inhabit the city now, but you can be pretty sure it won’t be very nice.

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The Doclopedia #863

Random Stuff!: Luck Muffins

 

Chef Otto Deedrikson loves to bake muffins and he’s very good at it. His bakery, Muffinopolis, sells 39 kinds of muffins and you’d better get there early, because they sell out fast.

 

Now, if you know the proper code phrase, Otto will sell you one of his 40th variety of muffin, the Luck Muffin. These taste deliciously different for each person, but you don’t buy them for the taste, you buy them for the good luck you get.

 

Yes, for 6 hours after you eat one, you will have great luck. Going to the dentist for a check up? Eat a Luck Muffin and you won’t have a single cavity. Got to drive somewhere? No speeding tickets or accidents for you! Going on a date? Prepare for a very good time. Buying a lottery ticket? Well, you know how that will go.

 

Otto only bakes a dozen Luck Muffins at a time and only does it on Tuesdays & Thursdays. The muffins will stay fresh and full of Luck for up to 24 hours after you buy one.

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The Doclopedia #864

Random Stuff!: The Awesome Spider-Bat #100

 

Dude! That was the issue with art by Jack Ditko and story by Lee Stanz! It not only retold Spider-Bat’s origin in more detail, it was the first time he fought Garbage Man and the Villains Inc. There were guest appearences by Captain Africa, the Incredible What and the Girl Gladiators. Oh, yeah, it also featured the return of Spider-Dog, who is pretty awesome all by himself.

 

Dude, that comic is worth like, $75,000.00! Man, if we could find one of those, we could buy an entire run of “Fantastic Guy” comics and still buy like, a hundred pizzas!

The Totally Spooky And Very Halloweeny Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Giant Killer Pumpkin

…c0-starring her new best pal, Partly Green George

 

The Doclopedia #860

Top Ten Lists!: Bad New Product Ideas

 

10: Vegetable Goo In A Can

9: Artificial Rutabaga Flavored Whipped Topping

8: Ultra Thin Toilet Paper

7: Frozen Goat Eyes On A Stick

6: Sushi Flavored Toothpaste

5: Chlorophyll Cola

4: Liversicles

3: Cream Of Mountain Oyster Soup

2: Bunnyburgers

1: Skunk Milk Cheese

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The Doclopedia #861

Top Ten Lists!: Things Geeks Say During Sex

 

10: “Arming photon torpedo of love”

9: “Oh, Doctor, do me Time Lord style”

8: “Shiny! Shiny! Shinyshinyshiny!”

7: “100 points for Gryffendor!”

6: “Come here and sheath that +4 Sword of Orgasms, baby!”

5: “Oh yes, yes YES! Make it so, Number One!”

4: “Khhhaaaaannnnnnn!”

3: “We loves it, Precious!”

2: “Oh yes, the Force is strong in you, young Jedi!”

1: “Ohgod! Ohgod! I’m going to cast Fireballllllllll!!!!”

 

 

Minnows In A Milk Glass

…that’s pretty unexpected

 

The Doclopedia #858

Top Ten Lists!: Movie Monsters That Never Caught On

 

10: Baby Mummy

9: Weresloth

8: Vampire who hungers for sweat

7: 200 foot tall penguin

6: Werenewt

5: Terminator robot built to look like a Yorkshire Terrier

4: The invisible guy in the visible wheelchair

3: The creature from the goldfish pond

2: Vampire who hungers for spit

1: Phantom of the Walmart

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The Doclopedia #859

Top Ten Lists!: Campaign Promises You’ll Never Hear

 

10: Vote for me and I’ll shut the hell up

9: Vote for me and I’ll never run for any office again

8: Vote for me and if I ever screw up, you can shoot me

7: Vote for me and I’ll personally bitchslap everyone in the Legislative Branch

6: Vote for me and I’ll kiss your ass for real

5: Vote for me and I’ll put that other bastard in jail

4: Vote for me and I will never ever fuck the country over

3: Vote for me and I’ll put an end to “reality” TV

2: Vote for me and I’ll tell you all what really happened at Roswell

1: Vote for me and I’ll hang a few investment bankers on Wall Street

National “Take A Moose To Lunch” Week

…it’s fun, if you don’t mind standing in a pond

 

The Doclopedia #856

Top Ten Lists!: Headlines From A Pet Tabloid

 

10: Sex lives of Humans: Hilarious and strange!

9: Underwear addiction: One Dog’s horror story!

8: I was a lap Cat for Elvis!

7: Lose weight on the toilet water diet!

6: Cats & Bunnies: The love that dare not speak it’s name!

5: Parrots of the stars tell all!

4: I barked at Bigfoot and lived to tell about it!

3: Startling evidence that catnip was a gift from aliens!

2: Hamster tells all about the “Habitrail from Hell”!

1: Male Dogs & Cats confess: We went to the vet intact, but came home missing something!

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The Doclopedia #857

Top Ten Lists!: Things That You Do Not Want To Hear

 

10: “My parents are home from their shooting practice early!”

9: “The doctor said it’s at least triplets!”

8: “Oh shit! My husband, the Mafia enforcer, is home!

7: “I’m running for Congress. You can trust me.”

6: “I’m pretty sure that there is a werewolf.”

5: “My, you Earthlings look yummy.”

4: “I’m about half sure it’s the red wire.”

3: “Hi. Do you remember having sex with a woman about 19 years ago?”

2: “It would appear that you owe several years of back taxes.”

1: “Did you hear that a remake of “My Mother The Car” is coming to TV?”

 

 

Handsome Joe And His Pals Play In The Mud

…what a bunch of dirty puppies, kittens & bunnies!

 

The Doclopedia #855

Alt. Elections & Debates: Kennedy VS Nixon

 

In our world, thew first debate between John Kennedy and Richard Nixon is one of the most famous of all and it turned the election for Kennedy, who won by a very narrow margin. On Earth 2B, things turned out quite differently.

 

Right off the bat, Nixon was not in good shape physically, just as he was in our world. He had been sick, refused TV makeup, etc, but on Earth 2B, he also had a good stiff shot of bourbon to steady his nerves just before the debate started. Combined with his medications, this only made him perform worse than he did here.

 

Kennedy did just as well as did here, picked up points in the polls and was ready for the next debate. He planned to go a bit harder on Nixon, to keep his momentum up.

 

Before the second debate, Nixon felt much better and got makeup to look better on TV. Unfortunately, and not known until nearly three decades later, he had an allergy to one of the makeup products that was used. The reaction was that he felt a bit lightheaded and itchy. On camera, this turned into looking unfocused and nervous. Again, Kennedy was the winner in most people’s minds.

 

The next two debates were about the same and John Kennedy won by a much larger margin than he did in our world. Nixon, depressed and now drinking a bit too much, went into seclusion and never ran for political office again.

 

John Kennedy was not assassinated in Dallas on November 22, 1963, mostly due to the fact that he had broken his ankle two days earlier while walking to an interview about the 1960 debates with Nixon. There was an attempted assassination in January of 1964, but it was foiled by the gunman getting struck by a car on his way to the hit. Dying in the hospital, Lee Harvey Oswald confessed everything.

 

Kennedy was re-elected in 1964, beating Barry Goldwater handily. In 1968, his brother, Robert, escaped assasination in Los Angeles when news that Richard Nixon had attempted suicide caused the crowd to shift, knocking Sirhan Sirhan down and making his gun go off. Robert Kennedy was elected and then re-elected in 1972.

 

Richard Nixon died in 1991, three years after doctors discovered his allergy to the makeup used back in 1960. His reported reaction upon hearing the news? “Well, that sucks.”

How To Look Really Cool While Screwing Up

…I need that book

 

The Doclopedia #853

Alt. Elections & Debates: Simmons VS Leong VS Espinosa VS Jyrzinski

 

On Earth 4G, U.S. politics is a whole lot more convoluted than it is here. For example, take the 1996 election for president, in which candidates from the top four parties all had enough backing, both financial & popular, to make it onto the November ballot.

 

Dan Simmons, the Republican, ran on a platform of making the United States a “paradise for business”, mostly by lowering taxes on the rich and getting rid of most regulations.

 

The Democrat, Martha Leong, campaigned for better education, fairer taxes on the wealthy and more money for space exploration. She was also pro-choice and favored “sensible regulations”.

 

Michelle Espinosa, the Family Values candidate, was anti-abortion, wanted the line between Church & State blurred or removed, demanded stricter censorship of all entertainment media and was against sex education in our schools.

 

Mark Jyrzinski was the Green Party candidate and was for much tighter environmental laws, green energy, reducing the budget for the Defense Department and in favor of more Public Television.

 

On our Earth, there might have been some sort of deals cut between parties, but on Earth 4G, that sort of thinking didn’t fly. Because of that inflexibility, and a Senate & House made up of the members of 7 different parties, the candidates had to just slug it out. Mud was slung, names were called, big bucks were spent on ads and only the lack of gunfire distinguished the debates from a gang war.

 

In the end, it got so bad that the candidates were resorting to actual hard facts. The pundits were at a loss for words about that turn of events.

 

In the end, the Green Party candidate won by 25,000 votes. The Republican became a lobbyist for Big Oil. The Democrat ran for governor of her home state and won. The Family Values candidate went home, but was later caught up in a real estate scam.

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The Doclopedia #854

Alt. Elections & Debates: Lincoln VS Douglas

 

No, no, not THAT Lincoln & Douglas! This is about Gertrude Lincoln running against Abigail Douglas for the office of mayor in Boochville, Kansas (population 4,387) back in 1976. Gertrude was a native daughter of Boochville and didn’t really cotton to fancy big city ideas about, well, anything. She was a tall imposing and stern looking woman who, quite frankly, scared the bejeesus out of most folks. Her husband, Ernest, spent much of his time on the family farm, talking to the livestock.

 

Abigail Douglas was also a nativer of Boochville, but she had left at 18 to go to college in California, where she became a doctor. After being gone for ten years, she returned home to take over at the clinic for old Doc Evans, who was retiring to tavel around in one of those big recreational vehicler. Unlike Gertrude, Abigail was short, friendly and didn’t scare anybody.

 

During the campaign, Abigail expoused some pretty new fangled ideas about how to run the town, while Gertrude berated them as “hippie thinking” and “an attempt to turn Boochville into San Francisco”. Abigail often chuckled at these remarks and replied that Gertrude reminded her of her grandmother, which infuriated Gertrude and made the audience there at the Grange hall think they might be about to witness a murder.

 

In the end, most likely due to the voting age being 18, Abigail won by 256 votes. Gertrude never ran for office again and she and Ernest eventually retired down in Texas. Under Abigail’s mayorship, businesses did well, the new interstate freeway spur went in just east of town and a big company from San Francisco built a warehouse facility right near there. The population swelled to 7,000 by 1988 and the Boochville Bears won the Western Kansas High School Football Championship three years in a row. Yep, Abigail was good for Boochville.

Under Constriction

…darn that python

 

The Doclopedia #851

Alt. Elections & Debates: Muldoon VS Watkins

 

On Earth 3B, one of the 20th Century’s most memorable debates took place October of 1922 in New York City. Michael Muldoon and Harold Watkins were both running for Governor and it was time for their first public debate, which was to be held in a large meeting hall. Attendance was very good, standing room only, as the two men entered the hall. Both were looking ready for a fight, which figured since both of them were the product of rough Irish neighborhoods and not prone to backing down on anything. The campaign so far had been one of much acrimony and mudslinging.

 

Witnesses said that the first two minutes of the debate were very nearly civil, right up until Muldoon called Watkins a “half Brit sodomite”, at which point Watkins “punched him so hard it knocked him off his feet”. From there on, the fighting picked up steam and overflowed into the street.

 

Muldoon was the larger man, but Watkins was no little guy and he had the edge in speed. They beat the hell out of each other over the course of 14 blocks, shouting out curses and campaign promises equally. The crowd, meanwhile, kept growing with each passing minute. This was, as one man later said, “the best feckin’ debate I ever saw”. Wisely, the police did not try to stop it, A few officers did, however, take bets on the “debate”.

 

In the end, both men were covered in mud and blood when Watkins finally landed the knockout blow. Just before he collapsed, he shouted out “And by God, that’s why you ought to vote for me!” Later on, Watkins & Muldoon were treated for a wide variety of injuries.

 

Watkins won the election and served three terms. Muldoon later became Mayor of New York City and the two of them worked very well together.

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The Doclopedia #852

Alt. Elections & Debates: Oogrok VS Sorgo

 

From the debate between Oogrok, Chief of the Round Valley Clan, and his opponent, Sorgo the Mighty Hunter, circa 18,000 BC. The moderator was Ikchuk, the Wise Woman.

 

Ikchuk: “Oogrok win rock toss. Me ask Oogrok first question, him answer, then Sorgo respond. Oogrok, you promise to find place where hunting easy. Hunting here not easy. WTF?”

 

Oogrok: “Me have found place with good water, plenty berries in summer, no cave bears. Me working on finding good hunting nearby, but this mean that all pitch in with food donations so me have food when going out looking.”

 

Sorgo: “Water good, yes. No cave bear, but sometimes big cats come, Oogrok! Berries not enough for whole clan for winter! And why you need so much food for simple 2-3 day hunting trip? Friends, Sorgo hunt and bring back meat! Sorgo find new hunting place where we can live!”

 

Ikchuk: “Sorgo, what you think of Oogrok plan to plant seeds and grow food plants near village?”

 

Sorgo: “Planting seeds unproven technology! Could anger sky gods! Next thing you know, Oogrok say we tame wolves! Hunting proven over many winters, my friends. Sorgo say hunt, baby, hunt!

 

Oogrok: “Sorgo want you to always move village to new hunting grounds! Oogrok say, why not grow food here, not move village? Last summer, we grow much food. This summer, Tomo make trap for fish in river, we dry many fish for winter. Sky gods no get mad. Soon, we plant tiny fruit trees nearby. No more walk long way for tree fruit!”

 

Ikchuk: “Oogrok, you recently say we should build houses out of logs & mud. This pretty radical idea, but you start work on first one. Cannot move this kind of house. You serious about us staying here?”

 

Oogrok: “Moving all the time dangerous and tiring. Oogrok say, live here, enbrace green technology, have better life. If Sorgo and friends want to go hunt, that ok, but Oogrok not want to get trampled by mammoth or eaten by cave bear. We make village here, live good, have many babies, not get eaten or trampled!”

 

Sorgo: “Oogrok want us to leave behind our valued tradition of moving to hunt! Oogrok have daangerous radical ideas! You no vote Oogrok! You vote Sorgo!

 

Ikchuk: “Thank you, men. Goodnight, Clan. You be sure to vote.”

 

 

Deceptive Lobsters Bilked My Shrimp

…they bilked them out of a million clams

 

The Doclopedia #848

Fandom Across The Multiverse: Fans Of “The Incredible Dr. Monster”

 

The very low budget ($2,000.00) horror movie “The Incredible Dr. Monster” should have vanished from the public mind about ten seconds ofter it came out on the drive in circuit back in 1966, Should have, but didn’t. No, it actually made a pretty great profit ($80,000.00), no doubt because it was unintentionally hilarious and written, acted in, produced and directed (among many other jobs) by the 12 year old Smart brothers, Rennie and Johnny, who were starring on the hit tv series, “My Goofy Dad”. A year later, they released a sequel, “Dr. Monster’s Monster”, which had a much larger budget ($20,000.00) and also made a very nice profit ($102,000.00). Over the next 4 years, there were two more sequels, “Dr. Monster Returns From The Dead” and “Dr. Monster’s Revenge”

 

As we all know, the Smart brothers went on to become Oscar winning directors & actors who founded the Smart Pictures studio. In 2006, they released all 4 Dr. Monster movies in a collector’s edition with plenty of cool add ons, including a series of new trailers featuring high profile stars in the parts originally done by kid actors.

 

What really made the Dr. Monster movies a huge fan favorite was the fact that they were sold as part of a package of “Creature Feature” movies to local television stations in 1973. Millions of horror/science fiction fans watched them and loved their wacky coolness. By 1990, Dr. Monster movies & costumes were a fixture at various conventions. Many of the cast members, most of whom had done no further acting, were in big demand for convention appearances. Novels, comics and other Dr. Monster tie ins were made and purchased.

 

In 2011, Smart Brothers announced that the films would all be remade by kids. The budgets would be $100,000.00 per film and adults would, for the most part be “told to stay the hell away”. Even better, from a fan point of view, there would be an all new fifth movie (title: “Dr. Monster Conquers The World”) made by the team whose movie makes the most money. Fans are awaiting the first film, which will premiere in 2014, with bated breath.

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The Doclopedia #849

Fandom Across The Multiverse: Fans Of “Space Journey: The Third Generation”

 

Not much to say here. Series (based upon an older series) comes out and runs for 8 years…fans love it…ancillary products sell billions of dollars worth…conventions…movies…star gets elected to Presidency of the USA…aliens land, saying they have watched it and loved it…President signs treaties with Planetary Council…Earth enters Golden Age of peace & plenty…fans petition for remake of series.

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The Doclopedia #850

Fandom Across The Multiverse: Fans Of “Mary Potter, Girl Wizard”

 

At first, the huge explosion of Mary Potter fandom was merely amusing to ordinary folks, but then some kids and adults began manifesting magical powers. This grew exponentially among the fans until magic was everywhere.

 

Now, you can barely go outside without nearly being hit by a kwittich ball or damned owl delivering some wizard mail. People call you a “mirgle” they way we used to talk about retarded people, all “sorry they are so messed up” sounding. Don’t even get me started about the giants and trolls and gnomes and stuff. I mean, a friggin’ dragon took a flaming dump in my mom’s garden the other day! I miss the good old days.

The Guy, The Girl And The Clockwork Monkey

…a story of love, adventure and steam power.

 

The Doclopedia #846

Fandom Across The Multiverse: Fans Of “Parrots & Perils”

 

Now days, there are hundreds of roleplaying games to choose from. No matter what genre or sub-genre or sub-sub-genre you want to play in, chances are you can find an RPG that covers it. But back in the early days of roleplaying, there were very few games to choose from. You had Dungeons & Demons, Ruinquest, Tunnels & Troglodytes and that was about it. They were all pretty similar, both in rules and in settings. There were some minor differences, of course, but nothing too radical.

 

Until Parrots & Peril came along. It pretty much turned roleplaying upside down.

 

Right off the bat, it was different because players took the role of parrots trying to free their homeland from the evil Raven Brotherhood. No humans anywhere in the game or game world. Secondly, rather than have a hundred or more pages of rules, P&P had 32 pages of them and that was all it ever had. Finally, P&P had great looking production values, way better than any other RPG at the time.

 

The game, pardon the pun, flew off the shelves the first year it was out. It became the most popular RPB of the time…until games for superhero, science fiction and horror started coming out. When that happened, P&P started to fade. When all of the other fantasy RPGs had good luck with second editions, P&P came out with a super deluxe second edition that had updated rules and an expanded world to play in. It outsold all of the others.

 

Today, tens of millions of people play P&P, either on the computer or at the gaming table. There are huge P&P conventions and a television series. Fans dress up as their favorite characters from the 186 P&P novels, the 4 movies or the 2 different television series. They have websites, blogs, print fanzines and YoohooTube video blogs about the game. Most fans also collect P&P toys and other items. There are businesses dedicated to just providing a place to run and play P&P games. Parrots & Perils and it’s fans are here to stay.
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The Doclopedia #847

Fandom Across The Multiverse: Fans Of “Mr. Squiggle’s Magic Hour”

 

From 1965 to 1993, the animated educational series “Mr. Squiggle’s Magic Hour” was a huge favorite among kids from 4 to 10 years of age. The show taught them about science and nature and being a good person. Parents and teachers liked the show because it taught tolerance and acceptance while improving math & science skills. In fact, the only reason the show went off the air was to make room for “Mr. Squiggles & Squiggletown”, also a one hour educational series.

 

The fond memories of the original show followed those children into adulthood. MSMH fan clubs, magazines and other products were created and sold well. References to the show found their way into big budget movies, television shows and popular music.

 

Since many of the kids who watched the show went on to careers in science, it came as no surprise that MSMH characters would pop up in places like screen savers, atop Mt. Everest, drawn onto the head of a pin using a laser, painted on the side of the space shuttle and, most notably, drawn huge on the surface of the moon for the whole world to see using robots.

 

In 2003, PBS revived the series and it is still running today.

 

More Songs About Livestock And Cars

…title of the third album by Walking Neds

 

 

The Doclopedia #845

 

Fandom Across The Multiverse: Fans Of “Gary’s Pet Shop”

 

Even by the low standards of network television in the 1970s, “Gary’s Pet Shop” was less than great. Actually, it was full of corny humor, racial stereoypes, lame storylines and low budget production values. The ratings were just barely good enough to get it through two seasons, a total of 68 episodes. All told, it should have become just a footnote in TV history. It should never have ended up as a cult favorite with millions of fans around the world, conventions and a 1990s revival film.

 

But it did, and you can blame it all on the fact that the animals in “Gary’s Pet Shop” talked to each other and the audience. The writing for the animals was a good bit better that the rest of the writing and they often made references to old movies, other television shows, popular fiction and celebrities. These talkative critters also had love affairs, feuds and usually pulled Gary’s fat out of the fire before the episode ended. During the run of the show, a group of loyal fans started a fanzine wherein the discussed and carefully dissected every episode. When the network announced that the series would not get a third season, the fans tried to get a write in campaign going to save it, but nothing came of it.

 

Now fast forward six years, when “Gary’s Pet Shop” has been in syndication for three years and built up a large following among college students and teenagers. There are viewing parties and half a dozen fanzines and…a convention. Yes, that first year saw 450 people gather in Portland, Oregon (setting for the show) to talk about Fritz the Guinea Pig, Jack the Bunny, Patty the Cat and all the other animals on the series. The star of the show, Hank Leonard, was not there, having gone on to a big career in movies. In fact, the only human cast member who was in attendance was Loyal Parkins, who played Mr. Wimms, the always confused canary breeder. Still, the con made a small profit and got some local news coverage, so it became an annual thing.

 

Each year, the con grew and the news coverage got better. At “ShopCon 5”, the whole original cast showed up and attendance hit 5,000. That same year, a comic book came out, as did a line of toys, both of which sold well. A rumor of a series revival started, but it never happened. The next year, more products connected to the series hit the market and more conventions popped up, several in other countries.

 

Finally, in 1996, a movie based on the series came out. About half of the original cast were in it and all of the animals were CGI. It grossed 210,000,000 dollars, but spawned no sequels. No revival of the series is planned, but the fans hold out hope.

Doc Tempest: Dungeons & Doomsday

…from the November, 1986 issue

 

The Doclopedia #844

Special Cases: The DVD/Blu Ray Case Of Great Movies

 

This most wonderful case will hold a single DVD or Blu Ray disc. The case is completely black and made of something that feels like glass, but cannot be scratched or broken. If you put a bad movie…some real thumbs way down loser…in this case overnight, when you take it out and play it, it will be the same movie, only much better. Slap an Ed Wood flick in this case and it comes out looking like it was remade by Martin Scorsese. Bad romantic comedy? Presto, it’s a screwball romcom directed by Howard Hawks or George Cukor. The cast remains the same and so does the story, but the movie is just done right. Science fiction movies made on a shoestring budget come out as though they were big budget extravaganzas.

 

If you end up with this case, be aware that all the big studios want it and will do anything to get it. Sadly, they are unaware that the discs that come out of this case cannot be copied.

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The Doclopedia #844

Special Cases: The Book Case Of Completeness

 

Our final special case is yet another marvelous book case, this one made of mahogany and measuring 7 feet tall by 3 feet wide by 12 inches deep. If you are a collector of a certain author, or perhaps of a certain series, this is the case for you. If you are missing any books in a series or by a single author, just put the books you do have into this case, then go away for an hour or so. When you come back, your collection will be complete! Unfortunately, this will not work for comic books or magazines.

This Week’s Episode: Nellie Teaches Mack A Lesson

…and it involves a pig, a mule and $5.60

 

The Doclopedia #842

Special Cases: The Traveling Suitcase

 

Yet another case that can take you places, this large suitcase made in 1931 is covered in stickers from cities all over the world. 89 of them, to be precise. To travel to any one of them, you simply pack the suitcase, laych it shut and then press your finger to a sticker and say “Let’s Go!”. Within seconds, you will be standing in the airport, seaport or rail station of that city. If you want to change cities, unpack the suitcase, repack it, then repeat the above instructions. If you travel by conventional means to a town or city not already on the case, be sure to buy a sticker and put it on a blank spot, so you can travel there again for free.

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The Doclopedia #843

Special Cases: The Spooky Case Of The Dangerous Dame

 

This old 1940’s paperback crime novel is a less than stellar bit of writing, but if you are a writer who can slog through it, you will find that afterwards, you have a great idea for a mystery novel. It can be any kind of mystery or a mix of mystery and some other genre. You will effortlessly come up with a plot, great characters, surprising twists and a memorable ending. It will be bought up for publication quickly and you’ll make great money off of it. The one downside is that the original paperback of “ The Spooky Case Of The Dangerous Dame” will disappear from your home as soon as you finish your new novel, only to appear in some small used bookstore somewhere on earth.

Automatic Lizards

…say goodbye to those old manual lizards

 

The Doclopedia #839

Special Cases: The Marvelous Case Of Wine

 

Wine lovers would kill to own this, because once you put a bottle in each of the 24 slots of this case, the exact same bottle will always appear in that slot when you take a bottle out! There is a 30 second delay, so if you want to switch wines, you can. The last owner stocked it with the rarest wines he could find, then made a killing selling them. All the while, he had plenty of rare wine to drink, too. This case is a battered old wooden one with the names of very old French vineyards etched onto the sides.

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The Doclopedia #840

Special Cases: The Strange Staircase

 

This lovely antique wooden staircase will connect to the second floor of any house you put it in. Once that’s done, if you walk up it and go to the nearest room door, then say “new room”, the room you enter will not be the one that was part of the house. You might enter a room in a cheap 1940’s Los Angeles hotel, the bedroom of a starship captain, a dungeon room or any of a zillion other possible rooms. You cannot leave that room except by the door that leads back to the original house you came from. Once you do that, the room will revert back to its original form until you climb the staircase again.

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The Doclopedia #841

Special Cases: The Wonderful Display Case

 

This is a nice, modern looking stainless steel and glass display case. It measures 6 feet wide, 4 feet high and 2 feet deep. Anything you put in it will attract people who want to buy that sort of thing, no matter where in the world they are. Got some rusty door hinges from 1924? Only guy who collects them lives in Zanzibar? No problem! He will just happen to be visiting your town and will give you a good wad of dough for those hinges. Naturally, retailers all over the world would sell the souls of their entire families for this case.

Lester Fenwick, Super Plumber!

…faster than a speeding hair clog!

 

Once again, we end one theme and go right into the next!

 

The Doclopedia #835

Random Tables In Search Of An RPG: Cool Sounding Weapons List

1: The Sword of Mighty Power

2: +3 Shotgun of Zombie Slaying

3: Bullwhip of Strangling

4: The Battle Axe of Hurk, the Giant Slayer

5: The Pistol of God

6: The Sword of Icy Doom

7: The Spear of Density (not misspelled)

8: +4 Baseball Bat of Crotch Crunching

9: Dagger of Blinding

10: Submachine Gun of Demon Exploding

11: The Almighty Katana of the Super Samurai

12: The Sharp Stick of Dragon Slaying

13: +3 Derringer of Accuracy

14: Club of Decapitation

15: The Ultimate Particle Beam Pistol

16: The Hammer of Face Removal

17: +3 Extended Range Sniper Rifle

18: The Arrows of High Voltage Shocking

19: +4 Mace of Spleen Crushing

20: Cutlass of Extraordinary Sharpness

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The Doclopedia #836

Special Cases: The Healing Book Case

This rather old looking oak book case measures 7 feet tall by 4 feet wide by 1 foot deep. Any books placed in it and left there for at least 3 days will be in perfect new condition when they are removed, no matter how old the book was when placed upon a shelf. This works on magazines, comic books, pamphlets and ancient scrolls, too.

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The Doclopedia #837

Special Cases: The Briefcase Of Holding

This expensive looking leather briefcase has an interior capacity of 4 cubic feet, making it a dream for carry on baggage. It is also totally sealed once shut and can only be opened by a person who knows the password. On top of all that, the exterior is self healing from scuffs, tears or dents.

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The Doclopedia #838

Special Cases: The Incredible CD Case

When your friends tease you about not having gone from CDs tp MP3s, take a blank CD, put it in this case and in 1 minute, take out a great bit of music that never existed in our world. See if they laugh at “Jimi Hendrix Live At Royal Albert Hall 1996” or The Beatles “Purple Album” or Kurt Cobain’s 5th solo album. The case looks like it is made of green plastic, but is in fact almost indestructible.

The Great San Diego Barbecue Explosion Of 1978

… doofus + too much charcoal lighter + lid on kettle grill = BOOM!

The Doclopedia #832

Random Tables In Search Of An RPG: Annoying Animal List

1: Yappy Fox

2: Horny Buffalo

3: Insane Cat

4: Flatulent Horse

5: Inquisitive Hippo

6: Excitable Dog

7: Itchy Lion

8: Insecure Gorilla

9: Paranoid Cow

10: Ornery Goose

11: Helpful Porcupine

12: Needy Tiger

13: Jumpy Elephant

14: Chatterbox Parrot

15: Butt Sniffing Wolverine

16: Easily Offended Baboon

17: Lonely Skunk

18: OCD Goat

19: Incontinent Zebra

20: Hyperactive Pig

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The Doclopedia #833

Random Tables In Search Of An RPG: Potentially Important Clues List

1: Four fingered handprint

2: A trail of underwear

3: A half finished glass of yak milk

4: An unlocked chastity bely

5: Uneaten chocolate chip cookies

6: Spilled beer

7: An ornithopter

8: Scattered dirty socks

9: An unfinishjed letter to “Larry”

10: The stereo is still warm

11: Fingerprints on the dildo

12: A glass ear

13: Footprints on the ceiling

14: A letter from “Mrs. Fromsky”

15: An empty bag of redwood mulch

16: A plate of half eated artichokes

17: A matchbook from the Cobalt Club

18: A dog who did not bark or really give much of a rat’s ass about the whole affair

19: Mud on the gloves

20: A suspicious kettle of fish

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The Doclopedia #834

Random Tables In Search Of An RPG: Moment Of Decision List

1: Cake or Pie?

2: Sex or Free Beer?

3: Fight or Flight?

4: Witty Repartee or Punch ‘Em In The Face?

5: Horse or Mule?

6: Swords or Sorcery?

7: Red Wire or White Wire?

8: Truth Serum or a Red Hot Poker?

9: Hamburger or Hotdog?

10: Money or Sex?

11: Weasels or Snakes?

12: Shotgun or Chainsaw?

13: Blond, Brunette or Redhead?

14: Shaken or Stirred?

15: Jump Off or Turn And Fight?

16: Radioactive Spider or Gamma Rays?

17: Dog or Cat?

18: Deep Dish or Thin Crust?

19: Modified Ebola Virus or Modified Bird Flu?

20: Revolver or Automatic?

The Rare And Beautiful Gong Cows Of Potawango Island

…they don’t moo, they gong

 

Today, we end the Weights & Measures theme and begin the Random Tables In Search Of An RPG  theme. Enjoy!

 

The Doclopedia #827

Weights & Measures: 4,000 Pounds

Yep, that there is a full growed Blue Herffle. She weighs in at 4,000 pounds, which is pretty much average, bub. See the way both tails curl up over her back? That means she’s ready for breedin’. You put her in a breedin’ ring with one of them big 5,500 pound males and he’ll get the job done right fast. Now, you do have to watch that he doesn’t break one of her horns when he grabs onto her with his breedin’ claws. That happens now and again and it fair pisses them females off. Can’t say as I’d blame them.

Oh yeah, we have the Brown and Yellow Herffles, too, but they don’t grow up as fast or as big as the Blues do. For my money, they taste better, too. A Blue Herffle steak is a damned tasty meal, bub. Now, how many head were you thinkin’ of buyin’?

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To my Non-Gaming readers: Many traditional roleplaying games, especially Dungeons & Dragons, have charts and tables for various random things. In this series of posts, I’m just putting up some random tables with the hopes that one of my crazy gamer friends will build a roleplaying game around them. Yes, it’s all very screwy.

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The Doclopedia #828

Random Tables In Search Of An RPG: Body Parts List

1: Fat Ass

2: Crooked Toes

3: “Funny Looking” Genitals

4: Big Nose

5: Skinny Ass

6: Long Legs

7: Beer Belly

8: “Gene Simmons” Tongue

9: Muscular Arms

10: Long Fingers

11: Small Ears

12: Flat Feet

13: Rock Hard Abs

14: Big Breasts (females) or Muscular Chest (males)

15: Big Hands

16: No Appreciable Ass

17: Crooked Nose

18: Big Ears

19: Wide Mouth

20: Petite Nose

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The Doclopedia #829

Random Tables In Search Of An RPG: Materials List #1

1: Felt Sheets

2: Titanium Wire

3: Balsa Wood

4: Colored Paper

5: Rabbit Fur

6: Copper Pipes

7: Adobe Mud

8: Quartz Crystals

9: Silk Rope

10: Concrete (3 yards)

11: Oak Planks

12: Glass Bricks

13: Steel Rods

14: Plastic Tubing

15: Stone Slabs (3′ X 3′)

16: Aluminum Foil (heavy)

17: Redwood Beams (10′)

18: Rubber Mats

19: Wool

20: Wrought Iron Fencing (20′)

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The Doclopedia #830

Random Tables In Search Of An RPG: Materials List #2

1: Human Skin

2: Dog Hair

3: Cow Teeth

4: Horse Hide

5: Parrot Feathers

6: Clam Shells

7: Snake Skin

8: Moose Antlers

9: Monkey Bones

10: Goat Hooves

11: Boar Tusks

12: Human Bones

13: Rhinoceros Hide

14: Lion Teeth

15: Cat Hair

16: Turtle Shells

17: Bear Claws

18: Chicken Feet

19: Opossum Fur

20: Human Teeth

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The Doclopedia #831

Random Tables In Search Of An RPG: Weapon List

1: Sword

2: Plastic Milk Jug Full Of Marbles

3: Weasel Tied To A Stick

4: Axe

5: Bullwhip

6: Bag Full Of Rocks

7: Frying Pan

8: Big Angry Snake

9: Flamethrower

10: Tea Kettle Full Of Boiling Water

11: Ball Peen Hammer

12: Mace

13: Pitchfork

14: Bottle Of Sulphuric Acid

15: Shotgun

16: Hacksaw

17: Cinder Block On A Rope

18: Wooden Spoon

19: Baseball Bat

20: Spear