Doc Tempest VS The Halloween Horror

… from the October, 1958 issue

 

I’M FINISHED!

Here it is, folks, the final entry in my “366 Days, 500 Entries” challenge to myself. My, oh my, what a journey this has been! My head, she nearly esplode many times. Still, it has been fun.

 

This will mark the end of Doclopedia entries for a couple of months, but the will be back in a less than daily form starting in early January. For now, I’ll be making another run at NaNoWriMo during November, then using December for other writing projects.

 

And now, enjoy this final entry.

 

The Doclopedia #893

How I Met My Wife: The Whole True Story!

 

(NOTE: These are not true. The true story involves a BBS picnic on Labor Day, 1995 and an impromptu discussion of how wildly varied the animal world is in regards to the structure of the penis.)

 

It was a rainy day in the Big City, the kind of rainy day that makes you want to stay inside your warm office with a bottle of scotch and a fistful of Oreos. The kind of day when you wish you had just one ray of sunshine to brighten things up.

 

I was just about to call my bookie and put a twenty down on the ponies when that ray of sunshine walked into my office.

 

She was tall and blond and wearing a dress that cost more than my last three cars combined. He perfume drifted across the room and made everything kind of dreamy. She had the face of an angel and big green eyes that made you think of sunny meadows. And her lips? Brother, those lips were made for kissing.

 

Hello, Mr. Cross. My name is Grace and I was hoping you could help me with a problem I have.”

 

Well, I’ll do all I can, Grace. Why don’t you have a seat and tell me all about it?”

 

Part of me was hoping her problem involved not having somebody to keep her warm at night. The rest of me was checking out her legs.

 

Or maybe it was…

 

(Please imagine William Shatner reading this to you.)

 

Captain’s log, stardate 2265.4, Captain Doc Cross reporting.

 

We have beamed down to the surface of Zeta 5 to attend a conference on interplanetary trade. While some of my officers are eager to attend the seminars, most of them are…looking at this as shore leave,…myself included.

 

After going to the unavoidable meet & greets, I…set off…to find a place for a drink and possibly play a few hands of Fizzbin. Along the way, I stopped by a bakery…for a quick bite to eat. That’s where I met her.

 

He name is Grace and…she’s intelligent, curvy, smiles a lot…and has pale orange skin. I’ve always liked orange skin. Naturally, I wanted to…bed her as soon as possible. She was…of course…immediately attracted to my…manliness, as most women are.

 

She closed the shop early.

 

Now…several hours later..I can’t stop thinking of her. Could she…be the one…the woman I’ve been searching for?

 

 

Or it could have been…

 

Doczilla had already laid waste to half of Tokyo and it looked as though nothing would stop the 300 foot tall monster from destroying the rest of the city. Even now, his atomic fire breath was destroying entire city blocks each time he used it. The city was in a panic and Doczilla loved it. He was really on a roll this time.

 

He had just knocked over an office building and stomped a few tanks when he saw a figure emerge from the smoke ahead of him. Doczilla paused to see if this was friend or foe.

 

It was Gracezilla, Queen of the Monsters. Her scales dripped with seawater, her eyes blazed with rage, a bit of radioactive drool rolled down her chin and inbetween her teeth were the remains of several Tokyo citizens and a 1965 Toyota police car.

 

My God, she was beautiful!

 

Doczilla looked at her and roared louder than ever before. She roared back, then batted her eyelashes. They each roared several more times, then Doczilla waved a clawed hand towards the remaing undamaged portion of the city. Gracezilla nodded and then, hand in hand, the two enormous kaiju merrily resumed laying waste to the city. Together.

 

It was love at first sight.

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Give Me All The Chocolate Bars And Nobody Gets Hurt

..Damn, I love Halloween!

The Doclopedia #888 How I Got The Nickname “Doc”: The Prison Story

(NOTE: None of these stories are true. Despite persistent rumors, I have never done time in prison.)

 

I got the nickname when I did a nickel in Chino back in the late 70’s. I was the only guy on my cell block with any medical knowledge, so I helped guys out when they got hurt, so the bulls wouldn’t report them. It made my stretch go by a whole lot easier.”

The Doclopedia #889 How I Got The Nickname “Doc”: The Actor Story

(NOTE: None of these stories are true, but there are a whole bunch of people who would tell you that I am, in fact, an actor.)

 

When I was little…like, 3 years old…I was one of the stars of “The Tiny Scamps”, which was a popular show back in Ireland, where I was born. I was on it two years, before we moved to America. My character was called “Doctor Billy”, so everyone just called me “Doc”.

The Doclopedia #890 How I Got The Nickname “Doc”: The Science Story

(NOTE: None of these stories are true. I am not a trained or accredited scientist, and if I were, I’d be of the Mad Scientist variety.)

 

“Well, see, I worked as a scientist for the government for several years. Top secret quantum time shit I can’t talk about and when I left the project, I was pretty burnt out. Trust me, being a pizza delivery guy is way less stressful than opening time portals. Aw, fuck! Forget that I said that.”

 

The Doclopedia #891 How I Got The Nickname “Doc”: The Native American Story

(NOTE: None of these stories are true. Any Native American ancestry of mine is from maybe 5 or 6 generations back, at least. Also, I pulled that “Indian Name” outta my ass just now.)

 

It come from my Grandma, who is ½ Native American. The full name is Dakana Wahentah, which means “speaks to animals”, but everyone shortened it to “Dak” and then “Doc”. Yeah, I know I don’t look very much like a Native American. The Irish part won out.”

The Doclopedia #892 How I Got The Nickname “Doc”: The Naughty Doctor Story

(NOTE: None of these stories are true, but this one does come close:)

 

 

“Oh, well, I got it from the various women I’ve dated over the years. Depending on who you ask, it’s short for either “Doctor Love” or “Doctor Feelgood”. Oh no, I make no statements as to the truth of those names, I just let the ladies give their own testimony. I’m just a simple country lad with humble skills in the erotic arts & sciences. Leave the party and go to your place? As a Doctor, I prescribe such a course of treatment.”

Lucy & Sasha Versus Satan’s Kitty

…mostly, Satan’s Kitty just sat on the fence and yawned while they barked

 

The Doclopedia #881

Random Stuff!: El Wimpo


The masked wrestler known as El Wimpo was, at first glance, not anybody that you would bet on to win a wrestling match. Standing 5’4” tall and weighing just 110 pounds, most other wrestlers dwarfed him. His squeaky voice and baggy homemade costume brought howls of laughter from everybody at his first event. This laughter lasted right up until he tossed El Toro Negro clean out of the ring in the first 15 seconds. Then, he tossed him back into the ring and pinned him. Total match time: 52 seconds. Since then, nobody has laughed at El Wimpo. With 168 wins and no losses, he is now the most popular luchador in all of Mexico.

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The Doclopedia #882

Random Stuff!: Diminsh Genitals Spell


This is the most hated spell in all of wizardom. It reduces the size of male genitals by 75% and lasts for up to a year. Just the threat of it has caused entire armies to turn tail and run. As such, it is now banned in 65 countries and 7 planes of existence. Even studying it can earn a wizard the death penalty in some places. Sadly, there is no Enlarge Genitals spell, although Murgolf the Magnificent once made millions selling a fake Enlarge Genitals potion.

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The Doclopedia #883

How I Got The Nickname “Doc”: The War Story

 

(NOTE: None of these stories are true. In this case, I was 14 years old in 1968.)

 

I got the nickname when I was a medic in the army in Viet Nam, back in 1968. I was there for a year and it was pretty terrible, so I don’t like talking about it.”
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The Doclopedia #884

How I Got The Nickname “Doc”: The Baby Story


(NOTE: None of these stories are true. In this case, all of my english teachers were past their child bearing years.)

“When I was a sophomore in high school, my english teacher, Mrs. Johnson, went into labor just as class was starting. Her water broke and she was having hella contractions. The paramedics were on the way, but that baby wasn’t going to wait. Nobody else knew what to do, but I was a farm boy and had seen plenty of other mammals give birth, so I was pretty much just able to catch the baby when it came out. It was a little girl and Mrs. Johnson named her Roberta. The paramedics arrived two minutes later.”

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The Doclopedia #885

How I Got The Nickname “Doc”: The Doctor Story #1

 

(NOTE: None of these stories are true. In this case, I am not an actual Doctor of any sort.)

 

I used to be a Doctor of Experimental Surgery, but I quit when those fools at the Institute condemned my experiments. Is is my fault that giving a human being wings won’t actually let them fly?”

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The Doclopedia #886

How I Got The Nickname “Doc”: The Doctor Story #2

 

(NOTE: None of these stories are true. In this case, besides not being a Doctor, if I was, I wouldn’t be a friggin’ economist.)

 

Yes, I have a Doctorate in Economics, but I’m able to earn much more money working in a restaurant. Besides, people don’t blame me when the economy goes in the shitter.”

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The Doclopedia #887

How I Got The Nickname “Doc”: The Doctor Story #3

 

(NOTE: None of these stories are true, although in this case…)

 

Oh, well, I’m a freelance gynocologist. Yeah, no office means low overhead and a less intimidating setting for exams. Also, I keep all of my instruments at body temperature.”

 

The Rare And Beautiful Blue Furred Monkeybats Of Potawango Island

…they fling poo, but it smells like lavender

 

The Doclopedia #877

Random Stuff!: How To Survive A Zombie Rising


When the zombies started raising hell on May 7th, 2009, Max Lanofsky was the first person in his neighborhood to know about it, because his cousin Adam called him from the Air Force base and had enough time to say “Shit’s on, Max! Zombies!” before he had to run off and fly his helicopter.

 

Now, Max had chosen his home site well. His neighbors all had gardens and plenty of useful stuff. Better yet, most of them were yuppies who spent a lot of their time at work or out of town. Better than that, his neighbor two doors down was Jimbo Richards, a survivalist. Jimbo lived in a fortress of a home with his wife (also a survivalist/conspiracy nut) and his sweet old mother, who often referred to her son & daughter in law as “a couple of goddamn nuts”.

 

So on that fateful day, he walked over to Jimbo’s house and casually asked the gun nut if he had heard about that big truckload of automatic weapons that turned over out on the interstate. Mr. & Mrs. Jimbo were out of the house so fast they nearly knocked Max over. Jimbo’s mom, Polly, was laughing up a storm. It seems she had heard about the zombies from her friend Mrs. Figgins about an hour earlier. She knew there was no truck spill on the interstate, but if it got “Jimbo & the Bimbo” out of the house, that was ok with her.

 

So, while Max’s wife called up certain friends & relatives to come on over for the duration, his kids brought over stuff from their house and Polly baked cookies, Max set about looting the yuppie homes for food and other useful stuff, including one guy’s extensive collection of swords and other weapons.

 

When the realatives & friends arrived, they helped get more houses zombieproofed. By the time the first walking dead appeared, everybody was armed and they had lots of fun shooting zombies in the head. Indoors, the kids played video games and the older folks watched the news.

 

Meanwhile, Jimbo & his wife had a hell of a time dodging zombies and ended up spending the next 18 months in an old prison down near Lompoc. Maybe they shouldn’t have left home in such a hurry that the forgot to take any weapons.

 

Anyway, Max & his gang did really well, what with all the food Jimbo had stored up and the gardens in every yard and the fact that the zombies were slow and stupid and the military coming in with truckloads of brains and leading the zombies to the desert where they could be napalmed. Once all the zombies were gone, Max moved out of Jimbo’s house and everything was back to nearly normal.

 

Except that none of the yuppies ever came home. Seems that zombies really like yuppie brains.
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The Doclopedia #878

Random Stuff!: Boris Zemlesmikov

 

In 1863, 25 year old Boris was working as a chemist in St. Petersburg when he stumbled onto a formula that seemed to heal wounds with remarkable speed. After several experiments, he noticed that it would cure most diseases, too. Seeing a very prosperous future for himself, Boris began mixing up a large batch of the stuff, intent on using it to become a doctor to the wealthy & powerful.

 

As often happens, things went a bit differently when the vat full of formula got too hot and exploded, soaking Boris with boiling liquid. Mad from pain, he ran screaming into the Russian winter night. The formula had given him superior endurance, so he ran a very long way before stopping. When he did, he was way out in the forest, alone and nearly naked. His body was no longer in pain and he was very hungry. He started walking, but fell off a cliff and into a river.

 

When Boris woke up, he was 100 miles downstream, nearly frozen and had lost much of his memory of the past few years. He was miles along on his walk back to the city, having stolen some clothes in a village, when he heard that much of St. Peterburg was engulfed in flames that had gotten their start at his lab. Now a wanted man, Boris changed his course and headed for Europe. Eventually, he got to Paris and started life anew as a baker.

 

As time passed, Boris realized that besides having an incredible healing rate, he also wasn’t aging at the normal rate. In 1893, he left Paris for London and started another new life. He would repeat this every 20-30 years, each time moving to a new country or city. By 2003, Boris was 165 years old and looked 70. He had settled down on a small farm near Adelaide, Australia. At some point in 2008, he was bitten on the same day by a tiger snake and a funnel web spider, which made him quite sick and feverish for a couple of days. As before, Boris recovered fully, but this time he found that he felt a bit off. By 2012, he knew that he was aging at the normal rate, even though his healing factor was still way above normal. Boris died at his farm in November of 2033 at the age of 195.

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The Doclopedia #879

Random Stuff!: Farty The Chipmunk

 

This animated series ran on the Kidz! Channel for 7 years. It followed the antics of Farty the Chipmunk, his pal Hortense Hare and the other screwy denizens of Creekside Woods. Much of the humor came from tiny little Farty ripping off humongously loud farts of hurricane force. Kids and adult men loved the show, but mothers around the world hated it. It was finally cancelled after many kids (and adult men) tried to replicate the “Farty’s Fiery Farts” episode.

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The Doclopedia #880

Random Stuff!: The Dungeon Of The Dwarven King


This is a very large four level dungeon with miles of twisty mazelike passages and plenty of secret rooms. While the possibility of great loot is surely there, so are a wide variety of deadly monsters, including stone spirits, green rats, slime spewers and wind dragons. There are also many traps, most of which are designed to humiliate rather than kill or injury.

 

The dungeon lies under the Demonspine Mountains and is accessible from at least five different caves.

This Blog Is Not Really Here

…if you can see it, maybe you aren’t here either

 

The Doclopedia #873

Random Stuff!: Umik The Odd

 

Umik was always a bit strange, but that was not too big a deal in the Clan of the Red Bear. Life in the far northern forests was enough to make anybody, even a mighty warrior, go a bit funny in the head. So as long as he stayed up north with his people, he was good to go.

 

Naturally, Umik did not stay up north or this piece would have ended with that first paragraph. No, at the tender age of 30, Umik decided to head south to find fortune and glory as a sword for hire. By the time he reached the first civilized city on the southern edge of the Yellow Plains, Umik had seen enough strange things (including the Floating Heads of Gu’Har, the Great Black Spider and the Sideways Forest) to have moved him from “a bit strange” to “not right in the head” in most people’s opinion. He often talked to himself and sometimes crooned lullabyes to his sword. Despite this, he found ready work as a swordsmen, a job which often took him to exotic locales where he sometimes encountered even more strange things which made him even more odd.

 

Nobody really knows what eventually became of Umik. Around about age 60, he rode off with some friends to go fight in a distant war, but he never arrived. His friends say that one night he walked out of camp saying, “I must go find the birds”, which they all took as a euphimism for taking a dump. He never returned and has not been seen since.

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The Doclopedia #874

Random Stuff!: Planet Of The Pigs

 

This was another of those wretched Sye Fye Channel movies and was, as you might expect, a ripoff of Planet Of The Apes. The CGI effects were terrible, the fourth string actors looked bored and the dialogue was laughable. Naturally, the channel made two sequels, the final one featuring a Giant Sharkosnaketopus.

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The Doclopedia #875

Random Stuff!: Hoovozark Soup

 

On the planet Breel, Hoovozark soup is darned near everyone’s favorite soup, especially during the incredibly cold 16 winter months. It warms a being up and sticks to your ribs. Well, if they had proper ribs, it would stick to them.

 

Like most Terran soups, this one stars with water and vegetables and herbs. What really makes it great is the addition of plenty of skwirf meat and a big dollop of yeezil butter. Cook that mess up for a few hours and you’ve got some good eating! It is always served with a big slice of fungus bread and a mug of caglat extract. Yum yum!

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The Doclopedia #876

Random Stuff!: The Dance Of The Wienerdogs

 

In 1994, at 6 pm GMT, every dachshund in the world began doing exactly the same little dance. Three steps to the left…bark once…turn 90 degrees right…three steps to the right…bark once…repeat this all twice…stop…bark three times…spin around clockwise four times…stop…bark…fall over and go to sleep.

 

At first, most people with just one or two dachshunds just thought it was cute, but breeders with several thought it was damned strange. When news reports started coming in and the extent of the behavior was know, EVERYBODY thought it was damned strange and a few folks started to freak out.

 

At least three new religions popped up, many scientific studies began and a bunch of governments got a bit more paranoid, but nobody ever found out exactly what the hell happened. All the wienerdogs tested were perfectly normal and no dog anywhere has ever repeated the dance. Of course, conspiracy theories abound, mostly believed by nutcases.

The Sad Ballad Of Jim The Jackalope

…coyotes sing four part harmony

 

The Doclopedia #870

Random Stuff!: Ratburger

 

After a terrible screw up with GMO grains in 2014, most of the cattle, goats, sheep, poultry & pigs on the planet died out. You might think this would be terrible news for the nutrition of the human populace, but at the same time the livestock were dying, the common brown rat was mutating into a 1,000 pound giant that people eventually found was good eatin’.

 

Most of the big fast food chains either closed down or switched to soy or veggie burgers, but all of them were trying to figure out how they might use rat meat without the public getting wise to it. After all, ratburgers would be a PR nightmare, right?

 

Nope. One small midwestern chain, Bill’s Burgers, decided to just say screw it and start selling ratburgers right out in the open rather than close their 24 stores. The owner, Bill Huggins, figured people would either eat the burgers or not, so what the hell.

 

His bet paid off big time. It seems people were hungry for real meat burgers and after seeing the ads about how these giant rats were raised in sanitary & disease free conditions, they gave it a try. Besides, veggie burgers just plain sucked. Within a year, Bill had stores on both coasts and after two years, he had 200 stores total. The third year, he bought the Burger Duke & Windee’s chains. In year four, he bought Taco Bull and opened 300 new stores. By 2020, Ratburgers (the chain’s new name) had 9,000 stores worldwide. The money was just rolling in like a ratburger tsunami.

 

Rumor has it that the company is looking to diversify by buying the Kentucky Fried Pheasant chain.

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The Doclopedia #871

Random Stuff!: The Mental Empowerment Machine

 

From the “London Science! News”, July 12th, 1887

This amazing machine, powered by steam and exemplifying all that is great about Science!, uses electricity and chemistry to alter the mind of the subject in such a way as to cause even the most dull witted of men to become geniuses! After only 6 hours of treatment, a common laborer from the countryside was able to read and understand great literature as well as grasp higher mathematics. Think of it: an end to dullwittedness among Englishmen, thus leading to the greater glory of the Empire! Come and see and sign up to be treated by this great device in action tonight at the Grand Hall of Science! at 7:30.

 

Please note: Treatments given to men of good British lineage only. No Europeans, Americans, people of color or women will be treated. Men of superior intellect need not apply.

 

(Sadly, the device was stolen mere hours before it could be shown off. Rather amazing, really, since it was roughly the size of a modern deluxe motorhome and weighed 9 tons. Even worse, it was stolen by women, who used it to make vast numbers of their sex into geniuses who eventually took control of the world. Her Majesty, Queen Victoria, was most amused and pleased by this.)

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The Doclopedia #872

Random Stuff!: Dungeons R Us

 

This company builds dungeons for use with Live Action Roleplaying Games (LARPs). These dungeons are almost always set up in a large warehouse and can be up to three levels deep. Since the entire dungeon is made of reuseable and reconfigurable sections, setup is fast & easy. Rental for a three level dungeon with up to 90 rooms is $9,000.00 for 24 hours. LARPers are expected to provide their own monsters, treasures and any dungeon accessories not provided with the dungeon. Installation of webcams to vidcast the entire adventure are available for an extra fee.

 

Soybean Stew

…healthy and fartilicious!

 

The Doclopedia #867

Random Stuff!: Zebra Fever

 

On Earth 22A, in the year 1966, a strange plague ravaged the planet, causing all humans to develop streaky skin colors that included skin tones from all the various ethnic groups. In addition, everyone developed curly red hair, green eyes and full lips. By the time it was all over, everybody looked the same. These changes were genetic, so their children had the same look. Many people heralded this as a wonderful thing, since humans could no longer hate each other based upon what color their skin was. Yes, people would live in peace and everyone was equal.

 

Except for tall people…and short people…and fat people…and women…and the various political ideologies…and religious beliefs…and females…and males…skinny people…left handers…nerds…jocks…old folks…teenagers…hockey fans…wine snobs…cat lovers….bikers…the French…

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The Doclopedia #868

Random Stuff!: Space Trek Meets Space Wars

 

This movie was proposed in 2000 by the studios behind the Space Trek and Space Wars franchises. Many high profile directors were announced as being in the running as director. The budget would be 200 million dollars. The story & script were to be written by fan favorite writers, It would be incredible!

 

Unfortunately, the project had to be shelved after 25,946 fanboys died of heart attacks from just reading the first press release.

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The Doclopedia #869

Random Stuff!: Canine Duplication Syndrome

 

This disease, which is uncommon, but not rare, affects dogs of all ages, sizes, breeds and sexes. In short, it causes the dog to spontaeneously create up to three duplicates of itself. While the duplicates are in all ways just like the original dog, that only means that there is X times the chances of the dogs doing whatever naughty/destructive/disgusting things the original might be prone to do. Entire houses have been ravaged by these duplicates and their originals. No shoes or garbage cans are safe. Taking your dog for a walk can be an ordeal. Cleaning up poop in your yard can take hours. Your cat? Expect him/her to leave town.

 

There is no known cure for CDS, but scientists are working on it.