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The Doclopedia #813

It’s In The Bag!: The Brown Paper Bag

Now listen, Eddie, cos this is real simple. You an’ Tony are gonna get in his car and drive out to Long Island to the address I give you. When you get there, you give this Dr. Sindawal guy the bag and he gives you a briefcase full of money. Then you come back here, give me the case, we all go in and hand it over to Big Sammy and he gives each of us two grand, bada bing. Simple shit, right? OK!”

Now, there’s a couple of things I’ve gotta tell ya here. Do not open the fuckin’ bag, no matter what. I don’t give a fuck if your fuckin’ legs are on fire, you don’t open the bag. You got that? Good. Now, you also gotta keep it away from water, so no drinkin’ anything on the ride over, cos every fuckin’ thing we drink has water in it. Yeah, tony, ya fuckin’ mook, that includes milk! Jesus! On the way back, you can drink each others piss for all I care, but on the way over, no drinkin’!”

Finally, and this is important like you can’t believe: If what is in that bag starts movin’ around, throw the bag out the window and drive as fast as you can back here. I swear, Big Sammy will not blame you, but ya gotta get back here and tell us fast because…well, never you mind why, but get back here fast, ok? Naw, don’t worry, nothing is gonna happen. That was just like, precautions in case of a very unlikely event. You guys’ll be alright. When ya get back, we’ll go over to the High Bar for a few drinks. Now get outta here and drive careful, ok?”

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The Doclopedia #814

It’s In The Bag!: The Small Cloth Sack

Yes, my friends, it’s the finest that can be had by magic or prayer. See how it sparkles, first yellow, then green? That is the mark of uttermost purity and that makes this little sack worth considerably more than any kingdom or even any two kingdoms. Queen Orlena and her army paid dearly to get the raw ingredients here, so my fellows and I could process it. Paid in blood and souls, they did! Now you must get it to Queen Mirshella without delay. I do not envy you, for your route is a dangerous one.”

As this map shows, to avoid the actual war zone, you must go first south, in the opposite direction from Brinderland. Once you reach Swift Ferry, you can follow the river west to the Hungry Hills. Be aware that at this point, the bag will give off heat, for what is inside wants to slay the cannibal tribes that live there. Your sole chance of avoiding an invitation to be dinner is to ride by night and ride fast.”

When you near the Whitewood, the bag may start to give off a very low hum if dragons are about. You might want to pray rather a lot that dragons won’t be about, because they might hear that hum and react in a, well, irritated manner. Of course, if the dragons have gone west to breed, you are safe. Well, except for the land sharks. You might consider giving up a horse, so as to slow them up a bit.”

Finally, you will come to the extreme western border of Brinderland. To avoid going through enemy lines, you can find the ruins of Leeter’s Vale and enter the underground passages that lead to the dungeons under Castle Brinderglow. It’s only about 20 miles and then you can just head up to the castle, give the queen the bag and sit back to watch the war end in no more than a minute.”

Oh, goodness, thank you, Professor Quintrokle, I had almost forgotten! Yes, once you are actually in the underground passages, please be very careful about casting spells too near the bag. The contents have a really strange effect upon magic in such evil places. I’d suggest moving at least 30 feet away from the Bag Carrier. Actually, 40 feet might be better.”

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