How To Look Really Cool While Screwing Up

…I need that book

 

The Doclopedia #853

Alt. Elections & Debates: Simmons VS Leong VS Espinosa VS Jyrzinski

 

On Earth 4G, U.S. politics is a whole lot more convoluted than it is here. For example, take the 1996 election for president, in which candidates from the top four parties all had enough backing, both financial & popular, to make it onto the November ballot.

 

Dan Simmons, the Republican, ran on a platform of making the United States a “paradise for business”, mostly by lowering taxes on the rich and getting rid of most regulations.

 

The Democrat, Martha Leong, campaigned for better education, fairer taxes on the wealthy and more money for space exploration. She was also pro-choice and favored “sensible regulations”.

 

Michelle Espinosa, the Family Values candidate, was anti-abortion, wanted the line between Church & State blurred or removed, demanded stricter censorship of all entertainment media and was against sex education in our schools.

 

Mark Jyrzinski was the Green Party candidate and was for much tighter environmental laws, green energy, reducing the budget for the Defense Department and in favor of more Public Television.

 

On our Earth, there might have been some sort of deals cut between parties, but on Earth 4G, that sort of thinking didn’t fly. Because of that inflexibility, and a Senate & House made up of the members of 7 different parties, the candidates had to just slug it out. Mud was slung, names were called, big bucks were spent on ads and only the lack of gunfire distinguished the debates from a gang war.

 

In the end, it got so bad that the candidates were resorting to actual hard facts. The pundits were at a loss for words about that turn of events.

 

In the end, the Green Party candidate won by 25,000 votes. The Republican became a lobbyist for Big Oil. The Democrat ran for governor of her home state and won. The Family Values candidate went home, but was later caught up in a real estate scam.

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The Doclopedia #854

Alt. Elections & Debates: Lincoln VS Douglas

 

No, no, not THAT Lincoln & Douglas! This is about Gertrude Lincoln running against Abigail Douglas for the office of mayor in Boochville, Kansas (population 4,387) back in 1976. Gertrude was a native daughter of Boochville and didn’t really cotton to fancy big city ideas about, well, anything. She was a tall imposing and stern looking woman who, quite frankly, scared the bejeesus out of most folks. Her husband, Ernest, spent much of his time on the family farm, talking to the livestock.

 

Abigail Douglas was also a nativer of Boochville, but she had left at 18 to go to college in California, where she became a doctor. After being gone for ten years, she returned home to take over at the clinic for old Doc Evans, who was retiring to tavel around in one of those big recreational vehicler. Unlike Gertrude, Abigail was short, friendly and didn’t scare anybody.

 

During the campaign, Abigail expoused some pretty new fangled ideas about how to run the town, while Gertrude berated them as “hippie thinking” and “an attempt to turn Boochville into San Francisco”. Abigail often chuckled at these remarks and replied that Gertrude reminded her of her grandmother, which infuriated Gertrude and made the audience there at the Grange hall think they might be about to witness a murder.

 

In the end, most likely due to the voting age being 18, Abigail won by 256 votes. Gertrude never ran for office again and she and Ernest eventually retired down in Texas. Under Abigail’s mayorship, businesses did well, the new interstate freeway spur went in just east of town and a big company from San Francisco built a warehouse facility right near there. The population swelled to 7,000 by 1988 and the Boochville Bears won the Western Kansas High School Football Championship three years in a row. Yep, Abigail was good for Boochville.

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