This Blog Is Not Really Here

…if you can see it, maybe you aren’t here either

 

The Doclopedia #873

Random Stuff!: Umik The Odd

 

Umik was always a bit strange, but that was not too big a deal in the Clan of the Red Bear. Life in the far northern forests was enough to make anybody, even a mighty warrior, go a bit funny in the head. So as long as he stayed up north with his people, he was good to go.

 

Naturally, Umik did not stay up north or this piece would have ended with that first paragraph. No, at the tender age of 30, Umik decided to head south to find fortune and glory as a sword for hire. By the time he reached the first civilized city on the southern edge of the Yellow Plains, Umik had seen enough strange things (including the Floating Heads of Gu’Har, the Great Black Spider and the Sideways Forest) to have moved him from “a bit strange” to “not right in the head” in most people’s opinion. He often talked to himself and sometimes crooned lullabyes to his sword. Despite this, he found ready work as a swordsmen, a job which often took him to exotic locales where he sometimes encountered even more strange things which made him even more odd.

 

Nobody really knows what eventually became of Umik. Around about age 60, he rode off with some friends to go fight in a distant war, but he never arrived. His friends say that one night he walked out of camp saying, “I must go find the birds”, which they all took as a euphimism for taking a dump. He never returned and has not been seen since.

.

.

The Doclopedia #874

Random Stuff!: Planet Of The Pigs

 

This was another of those wretched Sye Fye Channel movies and was, as you might expect, a ripoff of Planet Of The Apes. The CGI effects were terrible, the fourth string actors looked bored and the dialogue was laughable. Naturally, the channel made two sequels, the final one featuring a Giant Sharkosnaketopus.

.

.

The Doclopedia #875

Random Stuff!: Hoovozark Soup

 

On the planet Breel, Hoovozark soup is darned near everyone’s favorite soup, especially during the incredibly cold 16 winter months. It warms a being up and sticks to your ribs. Well, if they had proper ribs, it would stick to them.

 

Like most Terran soups, this one stars with water and vegetables and herbs. What really makes it great is the addition of plenty of skwirf meat and a big dollop of yeezil butter. Cook that mess up for a few hours and you’ve got some good eating! It is always served with a big slice of fungus bread and a mug of caglat extract. Yum yum!

.

.

The Doclopedia #876

Random Stuff!: The Dance Of The Wienerdogs

 

In 1994, at 6 pm GMT, every dachshund in the world began doing exactly the same little dance. Three steps to the left…bark once…turn 90 degrees right…three steps to the right…bark once…repeat this all twice…stop…bark three times…spin around clockwise four times…stop…bark…fall over and go to sleep.

 

At first, most people with just one or two dachshunds just thought it was cute, but breeders with several thought it was damned strange. When news reports started coming in and the extent of the behavior was know, EVERYBODY thought it was damned strange and a few folks started to freak out.

 

At least three new religions popped up, many scientific studies began and a bunch of governments got a bit more paranoid, but nobody ever found out exactly what the hell happened. All the wienerdogs tested were perfectly normal and no dog anywhere has ever repeated the dance. Of course, conspiracy theories abound, mostly believed by nutcases.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s