Doctor Tempest And His Amazing Adventures In The Zombie War

… from the July, 1898 issue

 

The Doclopedia #920

The Alphabet: J Is For…

Joozoon Powder: Made from, among other things, the spittle of ancient red dragons and the earwax of a living hell hound, joozoon powder is a primary ingredient in many high lever spells. As one might imagine, it is a rare and very expensive ingredient. The finest joozoon powder comes from the Gorv Mountains, where there are many deadly creatures and an opening to Hell. As much as a pound of joozoon powder is created every year.

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The Doclopedia #921

The Alphabet: K Is For…

Kangaroo People: After the Merge Virus got loose on Earth 44 and caused the DNA migration from species to species, many new sentient lifeforms appeared as pure humans died off. In Australia, the main sentient species became the Kangaroo People.

Resembling some strange human/kangaroo centaur, these creatures are generally peaceful nomads. Unlike normal kangaroos, they carry their young to a more mature state, then place them in their pouch for another 6 to 8 months. After they leave the pouch, the young are raised much like human children. They mature to adults in about 5 years.

Kangaroo People are omnivores, but mostly eat vegetation. They do hunt and enjoy eating meat whenever they can. They use fire, build temporary shelters and will plant edible plants that need little care. They return to these scattered gardens later in the year and harvest from them.

The Australian Aborigines get along very well with the Kangaroo People and often trade with them.

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The Rare And Beautiful And Very Large Easily Confused Elephants Of Potawango Island

…in many respects, they are like teenagers

 

The Doclopedia #917

The Alphabet: G Is For…

 

Golden Robots: In 1923, the Eastern European country of Grubansky unleashed an army of golden robots on its two neighboring countries Oxomistan and Anthillia. Within days, they were conquered and the robotic army was heading west. By the time the major European governments heard anything about this, three other countries had fallen and the robots were headed for Germany.

War was declared and the remaining European nations mounted a massive attack on the advancing robots. Despite the Allies having a huge advantage in manpower, the golden robots were winning. They seemed totally indestructible and the heat beams they could fire from their eyes could melt thick steel plates in seconds.

All seemed lost until a team of commandos made their way into Porgo, the capital city of Grubansky. Once there, they met up with a young scientist named Hargo Bovinki. He told them how the evil Professor Yevki had built the first golden robot in his lab, then demonstrated it to the countries mad dictator Orlo Smadlonko. Soon after, a factory was built and dozens of robots rolled off the line every day, all of them controlled by radio signals from the dictators palace.

Using old maps of the nearly 500 year old building, the commandos were able to sneak into the building and take control of the robots, causing them to self destruct. They also managed to capture both Smadlonko and Yevki, who were publicly executed a couple of days later.

Unfortunately or fortunately, depending upon your point of view, the diagrams and equipment for building the golden robots were destroyed when Professor Yevki set the factory on fire just before he was captured.
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The Doclopedia #918

The Alphabet: H Is For…

 

HMS Apollo: Commissioned in 1883, the HMS Apollo was the very first armored airship in the British Areofleet. It measured 150 meters from bow to stern and 35 meters from port to starboard. It had three decks and a crew of 300 men. It was armed with 12 cannons, bomb bays fore & aft and a bow mounted lightning cannon.

The Apollo fought in the War of the Worlds and the first World War, both times with great distinction. It was decommissioned in 1928 after 35 years of service. It is now on display at the Royal Air & Space Museum.
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The Doclopedia #919

The Alphabet: I Is For…

 

Inky McCoy: Seamus “Inky” McCoy, so nicknamed for his many tattoos, was a safecracker of great skill and fame. He was constantly in demand by thieves and bank robbers between the years of 1925 and 1938. It was said that he would often take a job just to crack the most up to date type of safe or vault. With his help, tens of millions of dollars worth of currency and other valuables were stolen, most often by the Penny Gang, who always cleaned out a safe or vault, then left a single penny behind.

In the spring of 1938, Inky was caught trying to crack a brand new type of safe at the Gruber Safe Company in Chicago. He was all alone at the time the FBI busted in, but they allowed him to finish cracking the safe before he was taken away. Company president Leo Gruber was not happy about that, but the FBI told him to get over it.

Inky was taken to FBI headquarters in Washington, where several official looking men told him that he could avoid life in prison if he would teach safecracking to American intelligence agents. Moreover, they told Inky that when he wasn’t teaching, he could crack safes in several selected foreign countries. Being a practical guy, Inky accepted their generous offer.

Things went along smoothly until after World War 2, at which point Inky just vanished shortly after helping to rob the safe of a major diamond mine in South Africa. His whereabouts were never determined, partly because the US government didn’t do much to find him. In 1992, one of his many illegitimate children, a daughter named Kerry, announced that her father was dead at age 93. Later that year, his autobiography “A Cracking Good Life” was published and became a worldwide best seller.

A Big Day At The Flea Circus

…I love the tiny elephants.

The Doclopedia #914
The Alphabet:  D Is For…

Dream Gun: When the masked crimefighter known as Brother Night went out in the evening to hunt bad guys, his favored weapon was the Dream Gun. Many an evildoer was sent into a blissful dream state after being shot by it, only to snap out of it an hour later behind bars.

The gun itself looked like some sort of science fiction ray gun about the size of a .45 automatic. It was colored silver & blue and fired small bullets that Brother Night said were made of “concentrated dreams”. The police were convinced they were some sort of dope. Whatever they were, they penetrated clothing and even body armor before totally dissolving inside the human body. The Dream Gun had an effective range of about 120 feet and Brother Night was a crack shot.

When Brother Night retired in 1951, he passed the gun onto a new young masked vigilante known as Johnny Sweetdreams, who used it for the next 22 years. Today, the gun is being used by the mutant superhero Dream Girl, who has the power to enter the dreams caused by the Dream Gun.
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The Doclopedia #915

The Alphabet: E Is For…

Ed Gomez:  The only thing remarkable about Ed Gomez, of (usually) 51 Maxwell Street, San Diego, California, is that he is always the (relatively) same guy in 136 different realities. Oh sure, sometimes his address changes a bit, as does the name of the city or state, but Ed is always there. Fantasy, steampunk, pulp era, war years, superheroes, modern era, 22nd century, it doesn’t matter. Ed is always there just doing his thing.

In all of those 136 realities, Ed is either a retired or still working gardener. He looks exactly the same, although it seems his age can range from 40 to 70. In most realities, he is married to Dolores, but in a few his wife is Lupe, Janet or Rose. His number of children and grandchildren vary.

Ed is a Hispanic fellow who stands 5’9” tall, weighs about 165 and has short black hair. He usually wears jeans and a blue work shirt.
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The Doclopedia #916

The Alphabet: F Is For…

 

Foooood Foorrrr Dogggssss!:  Of all the sacred things that dogs worship, Foooood Foorrrr Dogggssss! is the most sacred of all. Oh my, how dogs react with joy and excitement when a Mom Unit or a Dad Unit says those most beloved words before placing the food bowls on the floor! The anticipation of it has sent many a dog into spasms of joy.

What exactly makes up Foooood Foorrrr Dogggssss! is not all that important, although Dog Rice, Birthday Burgers and Human Food are rare and wonderful delights.

This Week’s Episode: Willie Borrows Clem’s Mule

…it’s a laugh riot

The Doclopedia #912

The Alphabet: B

B is for…Baker Elves

These jolly little elves stand just four inches tall and travel in family groups of 5 to 15. Most baker elves have blond hair, but redheads are not unknown. They all tend to be a bit on the chubby side, but are quick and nimble nonetheless.

As their name implies, these tiny folk just love to bake things. A family group will set up shop in a human home, then every night for a week or so, they’ll bake things late at night for their hosts to eat. By using a magical spell, the Baker Elves insure that the humans won’t wake up until the baked goodies are out of the oven in the morning. After a week or so, they tiny bakers move on to another human dwelling.

Everybody loves Baker Elves. Even cats & dogs won’t bother them.

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The Doclopedia #913

The Alphabet: C

C Is For…Cold Pigs

On Earth 72, there is a large and very dangerous species of swine that lives in the cold sub-polar regions. Standing 4 feet tall at the shoulders and nine feet long from snout to tail, these hogs are covered in dense thick fur over an even thicker coat of fat. They travel in small herds consisting of one or two boars, three to six sows and, in the spring & summer, up to two dozen piglets.

Cold Pigs will eat anything they find or can kill. In the summer, they roam the tundra eating plants, small animals, birds eggs and carrion. They will chase polar bears, foxes, snow yetis and wolves away from a kill, although they only chase away the wolves when they outnumber them. Cold Pigs will also kill and eat humans, elves and other humanoids if they get the chance. These giant swine are able to move with great stealth and even greater speed when necessary. Often, the first and last thing their prey sees are those razor sharp foot long tusks.

In the fall, Cold Pigs move to their winter hunting grounds in the upper range of the boreal forests. Here, they can survive the winter in relative comfort, providing they don’t encounter Northern Goblins, Forest Dragons or a very large pack of wolves.

Handsome Joe Visits Uncle Stanley In France

…or, An American Basset Hound In Paris

The Doclopedia #911

The Alphabet: A

A is for…Auntie Madder

In the Reality of Earth 125, most of the Milky Way galaxy is ruled by the terrifying, yet harmless looking, Auntie Madder and her “Girls & Boys”. Nobody knows where she came from, but when you can cause stars to just wink out or planets to crumble into gravel or entire ecosystems to go bugfuck crazy, your point of origin really doesn’t matter. Auntie Madder tells the various sentient races how to behave and by golly, they obey her. This really chaps the ass of some races who just can’t reconcile a 70 year old looking human woman with awesome godlike power, but they bite their tongues (or whatever) and do what Auntie tells them to do.

Twelve Angry Hens

…who puts chickens on a jury anyway?

Ok, I got the following strange note from Joe, our quantum mechanic for the Magic Bus, a little while ago. I have no recollection of what he’s talking about, but apparently some shit went down last summer and he managed to fuck with time and fix it. I checked the DogCon5 entries and see no reference to it.

Crazy friggin’ timey wimey shit!

 

Boss,

I’m writing this to you just in case you have some partial memory retention of the unaltered past. I’ll be deliberately vague on some things, so if you don’t remember, it won’t mess with your head too much.

So, after that thing that happened with the bus after DogCon last summer, I figured I was all alone against those interlopers. That was gonna make things rough for me, but it turns out I had some four footed help. We kept those punks busy running around and repairing stuff, except when they were off the bus causing trouble.

Anyway, just a few days ago, we popped into a world where magic works and let me tell you, that raised some hell with the less advanced equipment. But when the aforementioned punks left the bus, me and my helpers snuck out and went looking around. Turns out, the helpers could talk on this world!

We found a guy who put us on to a wizard that he said could help. Sure enough, the wizard, (who had the damndest name I’ve ever heard) once he hears our tale of woe, rounds up the punks and strips them of all their cool gadgets. Then, he pops ’em over to another Earth where it’s the Age of Piracy. That seems about right to me.

Then, this wizard offers to send us and the bus back to you, but my helpers decide to stay in that world, because there, they’re Smart Animals. Also, on your Earth, there’d be duplication issues.

After that, I went back the past, fixed a certain problem in the warehouse and it’s all good now. Never happened. Well, never happened to you.

So here’s the bus back. It’s stuck looking like a bus again, cos I ripped out the chameleon circuit. Needs work. I also tightened up the Tardis unit so there won’t be any strange rooms popping up. Oh, and I enlarged the main pantry a bit.

Hope you and the missus are doing well and if you can’t make heads or tales of this note, blame it on the timey wimey stuff.

Joe

 

It’s All Fun And Games Until The Fat Man Gets Stuck In The Chimney

…and those damned elves just laugh at him.

 

The Doclopedia #908

Great Presents/Terrible Presents: …On A Superhero World

Great Present: A day off from heroing

Terrible Present: A hand crocheted cape

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The Doclopedia #909

Great Presents/Terrible Presents: …A Post-Apocalypse World

Great Present: Food!

Terrible Present: A computer

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The Doclopedia #910

Great Presents/Terrible Presents: …On A Robot World

Great Present: New upgrades!

Terrible Present: Food