Tricky Monkeys Get All The Cookies

…even the Thin Mints


The Doclopedia #953

Things You Should Not Do: Use The Term “Space Marines”

Right off the bat, there have been spacefaring Marines as part of the military organizations of various advanced civilizations for the last 1.25 billion years. Today (2013, Earth Time) roughly 23,000 species have Space Marines. Any one of them could sue your ass off in TransGalactic Court, unless, of course, your Space Marines are actually Marines in space, which is ok.

If you are a writer of any sort, be aware that roughly 2 trillion other writers have written about Space Marines over the last 1,25 billion years. They’ve written about them in novels, comic books/strips, movies, radio, television, computer games, all other forms of games, holodeck dramas, magical dream potions and somewhere in the neighborhood of 124,000 other forms of media.

In short, don’t EVEN think that you are the first, the last or the best when ir comes to Space Marines. Additionally, you might want to steer clear of Space Morons, Space Maureens, Space Maroons, Space Martinis, Spice Marines or anything else that even remotely sounds like Space Marines.

You might also want to be very careful about anything having to do with hammers of war.


Adventure Module V-1: Journey To The Forgotten Temple Of Evilness

…which is haunted by the Scary Monsters of Scariness


The Doclopedia #951

Things You Should Not Do: Tamper With The Laws Of Nature

But Herr Doctor, you must not attempt this experiment! If Man had been meant to live alongside the dinosaurs, they would not have died out! The fact that this is 1887 and you are a man of Science changes nothing. If you use your Cellular Regenerative Chamber to create even one dinosaur, you will regret it, if for no other reason than the government will surely shut your laboratory down. Worse still, you will not be able to contain these beasts, even using your ElectroFence. When they escape, and I assure you they will, they will spread death and terror across the land!

I beg you, Wilhelm, stop this madness and return all of this amber to the museums you stole it from. Do it now and give up your idea of a Prehistoric Exhibition.”




The Doclopedia #952

Things You Should Not Do: Trust The Dame

Yeah, I shoulda never trusted the dame, I know that now. But brother, I’m telling ya that when she walked into my office with that dress on and that angel face and those tears in her eyes, my good sense took the fast train outta town. She told me that sad story about her dead father and her thug of a husband and I just ate it up. By the time she got to the part about the missing 500 grand, I was ready to collect my Chump of the Year trophy.

Detective Nolan tried to warn me, but I brushed him off as a dumb cop. Georgie the Gimp had the goods on her, but I figured he was just trying to get a cut of the dough. No, I had it all figured out. I was the smart guy who was gonna help her get the money and escape her husband. Yeah, I had it all figured out.

Except that part where she damned near had me committing murder so her husband and I would both be outta the way and the part where she and that chauffeur of hers fled the country with all that money. Oh, sure, the police in France will be waiting for them when they land and they’ll be sent back here to do time for killing her father, but that won’t help me any. I’ve got more apologizing to do than a drunk in a china shop. And then there’s all the time and money I’m out and the busted heart I’ll be nursing for awhile.

Yeah, I shoulda never trusted the dame.”

The Wildly Improbable, Yet Still Down To Earth, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Yellow Elephant

…featuring her good friend, Selma Pookinwinkel

The Doclopedia #950

Things You Should Not Do: Steal Vink Eggs

Despite the fact that the eggs of a Vink are delicious, nutritious and large, you take your life in your hands every time you rob a Vink nest. The female Vink can weigh up to 1,800 pounds and has terribly dangerous claws on all four feet. The beak is also razor sharp and if the Vink in question is a Crested or a Five Striped Vink, it will be able to spit highly acidic stomach fluids. Don’t think about running, because an adult Vink can hit 75 miles an hour and keep it up for half an hour.

Then there’s the problem of Nest Worms. These are actually a sort of caterpillar that live in Vink nests and eat Vink feces. The measure up to 10 inches long and have strong jaws that can deliver a painful and poisonous bite.

So, as we said, you should not steal Vink eggs.




The Doclopedia #951

Things You Should Not Do: Go Into The Goblinwood

Air yew crazy inna head, laddie? Yew dunna just go a’walkin’ inta the Goblinwood! I dunna care how many ye be, it’s the bleedin’ GOBLINWOOD! If there be a million of ye, the Goblins’ll still outnoomber ye a’hunnert ta one! An’ even if yer wee magical trinkets give ye all sorts of protection agin’ tha Goblins, will they protect ye from tha Trolls, Ogres, Slimes an’ other beasts what’ll eat ye as soon as look at ye? Them swords may be sharp an’ ye might be good wi’ ’em, but ye’ll still end up dead or worse.

Oh, ye’ve got a Wizard an’ a Cleric ta go wit’ ye, have ye? Well then, that’ll make ye safe as houses, won’t it? Oh yeah, nuthin’ ta fear…until ten thousand screamin’ hellspawns come outta the ground ta drag yer fancy Wizard ta Hell an’ a Dark Stalker takes yer Cleric down wit’ one swipe o’ his cold clawed hand!

Ah, bugger the lot of ye! Go off inta the bleedin’ Goblinwood an’ if ye come back, ye can buy me a wee drink an’ tell me how wrong I was.