The Cupcake Elves Use Their Powers For Evil

…Mmmmm, evil cupcakes

 

The Doclopedia #985

It Came From The Garden!: Buford’s Big Melon Genre: Humor

It was early August of 1953 when Buford Oakley packed up the biggest watermelon from his garden and headed off to the Texas State Fair. The melon in question was a 30 pounder and looked pretty damned perfect to Buford. He had elevated it up on a special rack he had built so the sun could reach all parts of the melon and remove that yellow spot most watermelons had from sitting right down on the ground. The seeds were from an old heirloom variety that had been in Buford’s family for right about 120 years. Yes sir, this melon was a prize winner!

Well, to make a long story shorter, Buford won First Prize at the fair. Now, that not only got his picture in the newspapers and interviews on TV, it got Buford a cash prize of $1,000.00 dollars! Happy as a hog in mud, Buford headed back home. The watermelon? Oh, they sliced that bad boy up and ate it after the prize was awarded. Many of the folks who ate a slice saved the seeds, including Buford. In later years, many of those seeds ended up as prize winning melons.

You might think that’s the end of the story, but is sure ain’t, no sir. See, when Buford was about 50 miles from home, he stopped at a little cafe for some lunch and that’s where he met Dolores, a waitress and just about the cutest little old gal Buford had ever seen. Well, before you know it, they were keeping steady time together and after about a year, they up and got married.

That still ain’t the end of the story. See, when Buford got home, he used some of his prize money to fix up that old ’41 Ford flatbed truck that he’d inherited when his Uncle Hank passed on. Got it painted up and had side racks built and started up a junk hauling service, Buford did. Made good money, too, mostly from fixing up other people’s junk and reselling it. By the time he and Dolores welcomed young Buford Jr. into the world, they were doing real well, financially. Over the years, they expanded the business and moved into a real nice house and sent all the kids off to college.

Buford passed away at the age of 102 and the family had his headstone made to look like a big watermelon. Buford would have liked that.

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The Doclopedia #986

It Came From The Garden!: Mutant Walking Onions Genre: Humor, Science Fiction

Let’s just get it straight right off that we are not talking about the ordinary species of walking onion, Allium ×proliferum. Well, we are, but only because it was used in a genesplicing experiment that got a bit out of hand when a flood destroyed the lab and released these mutant plants into the outside world.

Now a common sight in much of North and South America, these 3-4 foot tall plants move along at a slow walk using half a dozen thickened and modified roots. The remaining roots behave as they do on normal plants. The onions have primitive visual receptors and are sensitive to sound. They reproduce by dropping bulblets into moist rich soil in the early fall.

Recently, it has been proven that Mutant Walking Onions develop a rudimentary intelligence when found in groups of 200 or more. Research is still being done on this.

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