Curse Of The Devil Newts

…the lead story in Strange Amphibian Tales

The Doclopedia #987

Poultry That Saved The Day: The Goose Who Stopped The Aliens      Genre: Humor

On April 21st, 1961, the alien race known as the ReeEEn came to Earth in 50 interstellar war craft that each measured two miles across and were bristling with weapons. It took them less than a day to destroy ALL the world’s military might and another day to wipe out the 10 largest cities, just to drive home the point of who was now in control. The main starship hovered over Washington, DC, and the Grand High Leader of the ReeEEn was beamed down to officially accept the surrender of the world leaders who had been told to assemble there. The ReeEEn, who looked sort of like 5 foot tall ants made out of dry leaves, initiated a Universal Translator so everyone could understand what was being said. This is the only reason we know what happened next.

Just as the Grand High Leader was finishing his “You Are Now Our Slaves” speech, a very large gray goose wandered onto the White House lawn. The following conversation was recorded by television crews.

GHL (who began a violent shaking, as did his retinue): “ACK! GAH! A Yundor!”

Goose (honking while looking at the ReeEEn suspiciously): “What are you? You look like food!”

GHL (his retinue has now begun wailing in terror): “Oh, Mighty Member of the Yundor Empire, we had no idea that you had already claimed this planet! Please, accept our apologies!”

Goose (sounding much more aggressive as it advances on the ReeEEn): “You are strange things! I do not think I like you. I will see if you are good to eat!”

GHL & retinue (while collapsing flat on the ground and screaming): “Please, spare us, Great One! We shall make restitution to these beings! We shall make GENEROUS restitution!”

Goose (tries to pull a few of the “leaves” off of the ReeEEn, then apparently gets angry with them): “Blechh! You taste bad. I do not like you! I shall bite you and hurt you until you leave me territory. I shall tell others of my kind to hurt you and all that look like you.”

At this point, at least 5 ReeEEn apparently die of fright and the rest release what scientist later decide was their version of excrement. The GHL gives a command and every one of the ReeEEn is beamed up to the ship.

Within a month, the ReeEEn had rebuilt all of the destroyed cities and replaced each countries military with a single 100 foot tall WarBot. Unfortunately, the WarBots were designed to respond to the language of geese and so could never be used by humans due to them not having a Universal Translator.

When everything was put right, the ReeEEn left a fully functional space station and ready to use bases on the moon, then flew their ships into the sun, destroying them.

The goose, who actually was the pet of a family that lived about two miles from the White House, was honored by the entire world and every country forbid the harming, killing or eating of geese. When the final report of the ReeEEn was sent back to the Galactic Union, Earth was declared off limits for at least 1,000 years.

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