The Care And Feeding Of Your New Lamprey

…try to keep it away from your face

 

The Doclopedia #1,025

Girls Just Wanna Have Guns: Reggie And Her Mobile Steam Cannon

 

From the remains of a coded message sent to the Prime Minister of England from an unknown agent in India, November 4, 1878

name is Reggie and I doubt if she is even 25 years old. It is readily apparent that she is white and British, but she takes great pains to try and sound American or French. Dresses in strange costumes and gives fiery speeches to the rebels. Sometimes wears armor that looks like”

The cannon seems to be powered by steam and has a range twice that of our best. It can fire up to 6 rounds in rapid succession, said rounds being highly destructive to both men and property. It is a very quiet weapon when compared to”

is mobile, moving under it’s own power at anywhere from a rapid walk to as fast as a horse can gallop. Our engineers say it is not possible, but the evidence”

25,000 Indians shouting her name. She treats them like equals and is much beloved by them. Her network of spies is large and it is believed that she may have converted some of our soldiers to her”

cannon fire reduced the fort to rubble in under an hour. 3,000 dead and another 1,000 taken prisoner. If she is not stopped”

unconfirmed rumors that her name is Regina Fellowes, possibly from Liverpool. Suggest that you”

as cannon fire is now striking nearby. Reports of possibly 75,000 Indian warriors massing east of here. Will attempt to get another report sent from Delhi.”

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The Tern Worms

…he’s eaten about 12 of them so far

 

The Doclopedia #1,023

My Family: Cousin Hank

One of the more tragic members of my family is my cousin Hank. Hank is a handsome, intelligent man of good moral fiber. He has never borrowed a dime from anyone and has successfully run his own business for 25 years, starting out with just a small corner store and building it up to 7 modern supermarkets. His beautiful wife, Ellen, is a tireless charity organizer in addition to being a first rate mother to their 4 children, all of whom are top students in school and have never had trouble with the law.

Nobody in Hank & Ellen’s house drinks, smokes, does any form of drugs or curses. They are the perfect family.

It is therefore heartbreaking that they are pretty much shunned by the rest of both our family and Ellen’s/

Nobody likes perfection.

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The Doclopedia #1,024

My Family: Grandpa Boris

My Grandpa Boris was pretty damned strange. First off, he was only 30 when I was 15. I’ve never figured out how that works out. Next, he came to this country in 1910 to escape the oppression of Jews in Russia, even though he was an Irish Catholic born in Dublin. He was also “no handed”, meaning he did not favor either hand and was equally clumsy with both. He had one green eye and one private eye. Finally, he was known to yodel (quite well, truth be told) in his sleep.

Grandpa Boris was married at least 9 times, twice to his third wife and once to a potted banana plant. That was when he was 98 years old. We’re pretty sure Grandpa Boris died at age 108 in 2011, but he was such a cranky old bastard when you wake him up, we just moved him out into the barn and covered him with a tarp. If he doesn’t wake up by 2014, we’ll go ahead and bury him next to the banana plant.

Never Tickle A Shark

… Not even with a really long stick

 

The Doclopedia #1,022

My Family: Aunt Wren

 

My Aunt Wren was my favorite aunt. She was always joking around and would take us kids places and she’d read comic books and sing songs. She was a hell of a baker, too, and her coconut chocolate chip cookies were to die for. She and Uncle Oliver traveled often, usually on business. As a kid, I never thought to ask what their business was, but later I asked Mom and she told me they were insurance salespeople.

When I was 22, the truth came out that Aunt Wren and Uncle Oliver were actually professional hitters who specialized in killing important businessmen and politicians, usually in far off countries. Oddly, the family found this easier to believe than if they were in the insurance biz.

Aunt Wren and Uncle Oliver supposedly died in a bloody shootout and big explosion in Russia in 1981, but no bodies were ever found. Most folks say they died, but I and several of my cousins still get two dozen coconut chocolate chip cookies in the mail every Christmas.

Junior Muskrat Shops For A Chainsaw

…and now he is banned for life from MuskMart

 

The Doclopedia #1,020

My Family: Uncle Porky

Everybody in the family loves Uncle Porky, even though he was transformed into a half human/half pig after a toxic chemical spill. Once he got used to his new looks, he was back to being his funny old self, always telling jokes and stories and goofing around.

Uncle Porky has been married to Aunt Xena for going on 60 years now. They have 5 children, 17 grandchildren and 5 great grandchildren. Porky is a member of the Elks Lodge, the Masons, the VFW and the Yuba County Democratic Party. In his spare time, which he has a lot of since he retired, he likes camping, fishing and rooting for acorns.

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The Doclopedia #1,021

My Family: Cousin Gert

Except for her third eye, Cousin Gert is just your average middle aged suburban housewife and grandmother. She and her husband Dave are both avid gardeners and their yard has won many awards.

Most of the time, her third eye is kept closed and is covered by her bangs, but every once in a while she’ll brush her hair aside and open that baby blue up. She’ll look around and find the person who pissed her off (Beware, Jehovah’s Witnesses who knock on her door early on a weekend!) and then tell them the exact time & date of their death, along with details about how it will happen. These folks never bother her again.

The last time I talked to her, Gert told me she and Dave were planning a vacation to Washington, DC. It will be interesting to see what happens if they attend a session of the House or Senate.

Horrid Finger Monsters

…made from horrid fingers, naturally

 

The Doclopedia #1,019

My Family: Sister Zoe

My older sister, Zoe, was pretty much your average girl as a child. She played with dolls, liked to read, played games and had a pet cat named Roger. She did well in school and helped around the house. For an older sister, she was ok.

Unfortunately, when Zoe entered puberty she started breathing fire. As one might imagine, this got her banned from most public and private buildings, including our home. Dad built her a nice fireproof little house out back, but being a teenaged girl with social problems, she was not happy with it.

As time went by things only got worse, until, during her junior year of high school, the lid blew off. It seems that Zoe was fighting with her boyfriend, feeling sorry for herself, getting teased by snobby rich girls and having issues with algebra. I didn’t see the explosion, but I’m told it sent a fireball up 3,000 feet into the air. I know that it pretty much vaporized 600 acres of prime undeveloped real estate that Zoe cut across on her way home from school. Now, 45 years later, the crater is a popular tourist attraction.

A couple of years later, Zoe was out of puberty and her teenage years and stopped breathing fire. She went to college and got a degree in Fire Prevention & Management, then married a firefighter named Gus. Thankfully, her three kids are normal.

Doc Tempest And The Curse Of The Vampire’s Tomb

…from the June, 1948 issue

 

The Doclopedia #1,015

 

Guys Named Fred: Fred Baker

 

On Earth 20, Fred Baker was an actor, famous for his roles in such movies as “They Came From Jupiter”, “Attack Of The Killer Turtles” and “The Incredible Growing Man”. In those and nearly 100 other science fiction films made between 1949 and 1973, Fred usually played scientists, cops, military men or government officials. He never got the girl, but he did get to be killed by the monsters or aliens pretty often. Fred loved his work and his fans.

 

Fred got his first break in movies as a teenager back in 1939, playing “Billy the Newsboy” in “Murder On Broadway”. He continued doing bit parts until Pearl Harbor was attacked, at which point he enlisted in the Army and served in Europe and Africa.

 

After the war, Fred went back to movies and started his career as the “King of the Sci Fi Movies”, though to be fair, he also did horror movies, westerns and crime dramas. In 1973, Fred was cast as the tough but fair Judge Manwell in the Oscar winning movie “A New Life”. He won the Best Supporting Oscar and his career took a big jump, which he rather regretted, since the calls to act in cheapo movies stopped.

 

In 1991, on his 70th birthday, Fred quit acting in movies to accept the job of movie host for the brand new NBC series “Saturday Night Creature Feature”. His good humor, encyclopedic knowledge of genre movies and ability to get great guests made the show immensely popular and won 5 Emmy awards. He hosted the show for 20 years, retiring at age 90.

 

Fred died at the age of 106. His grave is always decorated with tributes from his fans.

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The Doclopedia #1,016

 

Guys Named Fred: Fred Li

 

Fred Li was just an ordinary citizen of San Francisco, California on Earth 9. He ran a small herbalist shop with his brother, Ken. He was a nice guy.

 

But at night, Fred would drink the ancient herbal mixture that turned him into Dragon Man, the crime fighting scourge of the Bay Area criminal world. Believing more in Justice than the Law, Dragon Man didn’t often leave crooks alive. Even when he did, the sight of a 7 foot tall fire breathing lizard man didn’t leave the criminals sane enough to do much talking. Screaming, yes. Talking, no.

 

After about 40 years fighting crime, Fred retired and passed the family business on to his nephew, Rick. Dragon Man lives on.

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The Doclopedia #1,017

 

Guys Named Fred: Fred Antonelli

 

A hard working truck driver, Fred Antonelli had a pretty average life. Married, 4 kids, house in Queens, voted Republican, member of the Knights of Columbus. Just your ordinary guy. The only thing that got Fred Antonelli included on this list was his alien abduction.

 

See, the conquering alien race known as the Florb, landed on a dark stretch of road in western Iowa in order to examine a typical human. When Fred drove up in his truck, they zapped him unconscious and took him inside their vessel to examine him.

 

Imagine their surprise when Fred came to just as they laid him on the table! Picture them getting the shit kicked out of them by a scared and pissed off 200 pound, six foot two inch Italian who grew up in a rough neighborhood! Think about Fred getting off the ship and watching it make a wobbly takeoff as the seven busted up crewmen tried to get the hell off Earth!

 

Now picture the ship crash landing into the deepest part of the Atlantic Ocean, where is rests to this day, it’s crew long dead. Having heard nothing from their scouts, the Florb went on to their next and last target world, the Klingon homeworld. Bad choice, that.

 

Fred never told anybody about his experience, but he stopped making fun of UFO nuts.

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The Doclopedia #1,018

 

Guys Named Fred: Fred Slovardnik

 

All Fred Slovardnik ever did was invent HelperBots. You know, those little robots that come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and do all sorts of jobs for us that we used to do. The robots that cook our meals and walk our dogs and rub our feet and lube our cars and wipe our bottoms. Where would we be without them?

 

We’d tell you more about Fred, but when he became the wealthiest man in the solar system, he had his past erased and started living in seclusion in Tahiti, which he owns.

 

My Life Among The High Tech Loving Basset Hounds

…Sasha subscribes to Quantum Engineering Monthly

 

The Doclopedia #1,013

Guys Named Fred: Fred Melendez

On Earth 5, Fred Melendez is known as the “Father of Cold Fusion”, the power source that has pretty much wiped out the oil & gas industry.

Fred was a 35 year old tinkerer and inventor in 1996 when he stumbled upon the right chemical combination to generate energy in a cheap and sustainable manner. Using a few family connections at the patent office (as well as the skepticism of the general public), Fred was able to slip the patten application past energy industry spies. Once the process was patented all nice & legal like, he sent the info to a few trusted friends at NASA and a few big universities around the world.

Once everyone had a week or so to see that Fred wasn’t crazy, the new hit the street and everybody “went bugass crazy”, as Fred’s brother Albert put it. The energy companies tried to play it off as a hoax, but NASA and the universities shut that down. Even better, by then Fred had built a small cold fusion generator that could supply more than enough energy for the average American home.

Within three years, there were 23 companies making cold fusion energy systems for homes, businesses, cities and vehicles. All of them paid Fred a 2% licensing fee per generator, which really started to add up. Two years later, Fred was a billionare and could work on whatever projects he liked.

Which is how he came to invent the warp drive, but that’s another story.

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The Doclopedia #1,014

Guys Named Fred: Fred Keen

Born Frederick Olanzo Keenelly on March 3rd, 1850, in Hapgood, Maine, Fred Keen was the greatest con man of the 19th century.

Standing 6 feet tall and blessed with both a well proportioned body and a handsome face, Fred Keen charmed the upper crusts of society from Montreal to Mexico City, from San Francisco to New York and all over the UK and Europe. He also charmed them out of very large sums of money, priceless art objects, stocks, bonds, real estate and the virginity of their daughters. Of him, Mark Twain once said that even if butter would melt in his mouth, you’d keep spooning it in just to watch it happen.

One of the things that kept Fred able to con and out of jail was that he was able to convince people that he was an even bigger victim than they were. After he had swindled Alfred Montrock, the railroad tycoon, out of millions, he pretended to be flat broke for months, until finally Montrock loaned him several thousand to “get back on his feet and put his losses behind him”.

In 1890. at age 40, Fred met and married Rita Grove, a teacher from Philadelphia. He ran a few more cons without her knowing, but retired in 1895 to be a full time father and husband.

After Rita died in 1935, Fred spent the remaining seven years of his life at their home on Long Island. His autobiography was not published until 1960.