The Tern Worms

…he’s eaten about 12 of them so far

 

The Doclopedia #1,023

My Family: Cousin Hank

One of the more tragic members of my family is my cousin Hank. Hank is a handsome, intelligent man of good moral fiber. He has never borrowed a dime from anyone and has successfully run his own business for 25 years, starting out with just a small corner store and building it up to 7 modern supermarkets. His beautiful wife, Ellen, is a tireless charity organizer in addition to being a first rate mother to their 4 children, all of whom are top students in school and have never had trouble with the law.

Nobody in Hank & Ellen’s house drinks, smokes, does any form of drugs or curses. They are the perfect family.

It is therefore heartbreaking that they are pretty much shunned by the rest of both our family and Ellen’s/

Nobody likes perfection.

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The Doclopedia #1,024

My Family: Grandpa Boris

My Grandpa Boris was pretty damned strange. First off, he was only 30 when I was 15. I’ve never figured out how that works out. Next, he came to this country in 1910 to escape the oppression of Jews in Russia, even though he was an Irish Catholic born in Dublin. He was also “no handed”, meaning he did not favor either hand and was equally clumsy with both. He had one green eye and one private eye. Finally, he was known to yodel (quite well, truth be told) in his sleep.

Grandpa Boris was married at least 9 times, twice to his third wife and once to a potted banana plant. That was when he was 98 years old. We’re pretty sure Grandpa Boris died at age 108 in 2011, but he was such a cranky old bastard when you wake him up, we just moved him out into the barn and covered him with a tarp. If he doesn’t wake up by 2014, we’ll go ahead and bury him next to the banana plant.

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