Why I Had To Apologize To The Vampires Of Paris

…I was singing “Werewolves of London”


The Doclopedia #1,050

The Toolbox: Left Handed Screw Polarizer

Thank you for purchasing a Yuland-Weytani Left Handed Screw Polarizer. This precision instrument, used properly, should give you years of faithful service.

How To Operate A Left Handed Screw Polarizer

1: Activate the the SmartTool OS by pressing the blue tab three times and the red tab twice.

2: Open the hopper lid on top of the device and insert left handed screws to the line that says “Full”.

3: Close the lid and press the green button twice.

4: Polarization will take less than 30 seconds in most cases. Very large screws might take a full minute.

5: When the Polarizer says “Job Finished”, you may remove the screws by opening the small “Screw Removal” door.

Remember to always keep your Yuland-Weytani Left Handed Screw Polarizer in the included case when not in use.




The Doclopedia #1,051

The Toolbox: Zilg Oil

Sweet Jesus on a cracker, do I ever hate oiling Zilgs! Bad enough the blubbery sons of bitches took over Earth, now we gotta rub oil on them to protect their friggin’ skin from stuff in our atmosphere. It’s a disgusting job.

And that oil? It’s made out of freakin’ rotten food and the fat of Zilgs who failed their Vook Test, whatever the hell that is. The oils is just terrible to touch and it stinks to high heaven. Christ, I haven’t had sex with anybody but other Zilg Oilers for years.

But you know what? I heard that the reason the Zilgs had to pull out of Central Asia was because somebody in the Underground found out that if you added certain things to Zilg Oil, it would kill ’em in a week or so. Man, I hope we get that formula soon.”

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