Red Red Whine

…Shut up, you communists! It’s over, damn it!

The Doclopedia #1,052

The Toolbox: Anti-Vibration Clamps

These handy clamps come in many sizes and will neutralize all vibrations on anything the clamp. This is accomplished by using voodoo physics.

Anti-Vibration Clamps are often used inside giant robots, starships, time cannons, airships and buildings that house sex addicts.

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The Doclopedia #1,053

The Toolbox: Screwdriver Deluxe

Yes, you may know this screwdriver by another name thanks to a popular British television show, but the real deal does so much more.

Need a device to reprogram a gene based computer? You’ve got it!

Can’t shut off a mind melting cybersong? Use the Screwdriver Deluxe!

Want to seal an Ancient Evil away forever? There’s a setting for that!

Want to open a cold beer? No problem!

Best of all, each Screwdriver Deluxe is programmed at the factory to respond only to the person who owns it. All others will be transmogrified into a Dornubian Phlegm Weasel!

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Why I Had To Apologize To The Vampires Of Paris

…I was singing “Werewolves of London”

 

The Doclopedia #1,050

The Toolbox: Left Handed Screw Polarizer

Thank you for purchasing a Yuland-Weytani Left Handed Screw Polarizer. This precision instrument, used properly, should give you years of faithful service.

How To Operate A Left Handed Screw Polarizer

1: Activate the the SmartTool OS by pressing the blue tab three times and the red tab twice.

2: Open the hopper lid on top of the device and insert left handed screws to the line that says “Full”.

3: Close the lid and press the green button twice.

4: Polarization will take less than 30 seconds in most cases. Very large screws might take a full minute.

5: When the Polarizer says “Job Finished”, you may remove the screws by opening the small “Screw Removal” door.

Remember to always keep your Yuland-Weytani Left Handed Screw Polarizer in the included case when not in use.

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The Doclopedia #1,051

The Toolbox: Zilg Oil

Sweet Jesus on a cracker, do I ever hate oiling Zilgs! Bad enough the blubbery sons of bitches took over Earth, now we gotta rub oil on them to protect their friggin’ skin from stuff in our atmosphere. It’s a disgusting job.

And that oil? It’s made out of freakin’ rotten food and the fat of Zilgs who failed their Vook Test, whatever the hell that is. The oils is just terrible to touch and it stinks to high heaven. Christ, I haven’t had sex with anybody but other Zilg Oilers for years.

But you know what? I heard that the reason the Zilgs had to pull out of Central Asia was because somebody in the Underground found out that if you added certain things to Zilg Oil, it would kill ’em in a week or so. Man, I hope we get that formula soon.”

Handsome Joe Goes To The Movies

…to see “Iron Hound 3”

The Doclopedia #1,048

The Toolbox: Duck Tape

So you’ve got a busted wing or maybe some frayed webbing on your foot. My friend, you need all new, 100% organic Duck Tape! It has a thousand uses around the nest! Use Duck Tape to reinforce your bill after a long summer of dabbling! Got some ratty looking feathers after a molt? Use Duck Tape to remove them safely and without making a mess! Cracked eggshell? Duck Tape to the rescue!

Duck Tape is 100% organic and will safely biodegrade after a few weeks. Approved for use on ducklings and pets!

Duck tape is not available in stores, but you can order it now at the low price of $5.00 for a 100 foot roll! Order now and mention this commercial and get a second roll FREE!!! You just pay shipping and handling!

Duck Tape: A Duck’s Best Friend!
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The Doclopedia #1,049

The Toolbox: Hot Hammer

So yeah, we call this the Hot Hammer because the head of it heats up to 2,500 degrees, which you need it to be so you can hammer in those goobtanium bolts when you’re putting the inner hull on a Confederation timeship. And brother, I’m talking about the 3,760,450 bolts in a Wells class timeship, not one of those two person jobs.

Yeah, you use it just like a regular hammer. Stick the bolt in the hole, hit it 4-5 times and you’re good to go.

The thing to remember it that even though the Hot Hammer only stays really hot while you hold it, it cools down quickly when you let it go. Sure, it’ll still be like, 125 degrees, but that’s a hell of alot better that 2,500!

Ok, so now you go do your Hot Hammer qualifying test and then we’ll get you working up on foredeck #2. See you in about an hour, buddy!”

Bucky & Squint Are Back In Action

…lock up your liquor!

 

The Doclopedia #1,046

Ten Things You Didn’t Know About…: The Secret War

1: The Forces of Good are holding the line so far.

2: The Forces of Evil are readying a major attack.

3: The Forces of Chaos are readying itching powder and banana peels.

4: Think of 10 of your friends. Odds are, at least 1 of them is a Secret Warrior.

5: Due to the Plate of Wishing being used, history has been altered 3 times.

6: That big explosion on the moon? A botched attack by Evil.

7: All of those badgers running through Manchester? A distraction by Chaos.

8: Good has been recruiting dogs and cats. Nobody knows why.

9: There used to be another continent, but it was lost in a history change.

10: Do your part for the Secret War: Drink more green tea!

The Doclopedia #1,047

Ten Things You Didn’t Know About…: Being A Superhero

1: You have to get a permit from your local municipality. It costs $45.00.

2: You have to join the union if you want decent benefits.

3: X Mart sells pretty good costumes. Use the secret password “stanlee”

4: Once a year, in October, you have a 7 day period when you can become a villain.

5: Sidekicks are expensive and the regulations are a pain in the ass.

6: April 20th and November 9th are “No Super Days”, when heroes and villains get a day off.

7: Chafing and jock itch are big problems for many heroes

8: You get access to a secret internet.

9: You get great deals on secret hideouts, lairs, etc.

10: There are plenty of groupies of both sexes.

Riding Off Into The Setting Suns

…all three of them

 

The Doclopedia #1,044

Ten Things You Didn’t Know About…: Magical Girls

1: All Magical Girls are cute, even the naughty ones.

2: Their familiars can be anything from cats to rabbits to talking dolls to ambulatory shrubs.

3: Magical Girls always dress in the same three color combination, with each Magical Girl having different colors.

4: Magical Girls just love cookies and cute boys.

5: Unless they are REALLY naughty, Magical Girls hate evil things.

6: All Magical Girls wield very powerful magic, but…

7: …not all of them have great control of it.

8: Magical Girls sometimes become dangerously nervous in the presence of really cute boys.

9: Every Magical Girl has a distinct weakness.

10: Magical Girls usually don’t get along well with Science Girls.

The Doclopedia #1,045

Ten Things You Didn’t Know About…: The Towers Of Mars

1: The tallest rises up 10 kilometers.

2: The shortest rises up 7.5 kilometers.

3: There are 30 of them equally spaced around the Martian equator.

4: The Chinese exploratory mission got halfway up the Shortest tower before contact was lost with them.

5: Every 21 days, all of the towers emit a short burst of static electricity.

6: Although they are all made of the same white material, each one is covered in a different design.

7: Of the 5 missions to explore the towers, only the second US/Canadian team got back alive. All of the rest were lost without recovery.

8: Once a year, all of the towers hum for a full hours. No measurable effect has ever been found before, during or after the humming.

9: The only examples of life on Mars, the black grass ecosystem, are found circling the base of each tower out to 300 meters.

10: It has been found that the towers extend at least 3 kilometers below the Martian surface.

Pieboy Has An Encounter With Mexican Jenny

…afterward, there was chafing to deal with

 

The Doclopedia #1,043

Ten Things You Didn’t Know About…: The Doclopedia

1: There is some version of it on 240,975,398 versions of Earth.

2: It is very near to achieving sentience.

3: There are Classified Themes that you will never see.

4: On 78,000 Earths, it is the basis of major religions.

5: On 193,006 Earths, it has been made into television shows. Movies, novels, etc.

6: You think it’s all fictional. You are wrong.

7: On most Earths, it is the only place you can read about deep fried fleems or AirCat!

8: It really enjoys a good milkshake.

9: If you read the PornEarth version, you’d never have sex again.

10: It’s gluten free!

The Rare And Beautiful Stinking Fern Of Potawango Island

…they smell just like rotten eggs.

The Doclopedia #1,042

Ten Things You Didn’t Know About…: The Great Gooey God

1: If you stare at him, you’ll go insane.

2: If you touch him, you’ll go insane.

3: If you hear him speak, you’ll go insane.

4: If he looks at you , you’ll go insane.

5: If you make a sacrifice to him, you’ll probably go insane.

6: If you approach him without a sacrifice, you’ll go insane, then he’ll eat you.

7: If you burp, fart or lose bowel control in his presence, he will be pleased and reward you. Later, you’ll go insane.

8: If you approach him with fear in your heart, you won’t have time to go insane before he squashes you.

9: NEVER bring gold anywhere near him!

10: If you even think something like “Holy crap, is he ever disgusting looking” in his great & gooey presence, you’ll go insane.