One Pill Makes You Larger And One Pill Makes You Talk To Small Animals

…Happy birthday, Grace Slick!



The Doclopedia #1,084

My Dogs: Sasha Jane Cross

Sasha is an almost 4 year old Basset Hound who lives with her human mom & dad and her Basset sister in the Sacramento, California area. She is reddish orange and white in color.

Little is known of Sasha’s first two years beyond the fact that she was born in Modesto, California. Rumors that she had to leave Modesto as part of the Witness Protection Program are unconfirmed, as is the rumor that she worked for the CIA. We do know that before she turned two, Sasha learned to speak fluent Feline, Bovine and Porcine. Currently, she has also learned to speak Caprine, Avian and is learning Cetacean.

Her personality is rather mercurial, ranging from utterly nerdy to bossy and rowdy. She is not given to violence, except where squirrels are concerned. She is highly intelligent. Her favorite roleplaying game is Dungeons & Dogs.

In early 2012, after the death of her sister, Winker, Sasha found her stash of catalogs for Alien & Future technology products. With the help of the family quantum mechanic, Sasha soon had a vast knowledge of ultra-tech. This knowledge served her well when, in late August of 2013, she built a cyborg body to hold the “katra” (Vulcan for spirit or lifeforce) of her recently deceased sister, Lucy. The project was a success.

In her spare time, Sasha enjoys eating Foooooodddd Foooooorrrr Doooooggggssss!, watching Star Trek episodes (original series and Next Generation), recalibrating Chameleon Circuits, participating in Extreme Basset Wrestling, dating hunky yellow Labradors and sliding in the Slide Room on the Magic Bus.

The Doclopedia #1,085

My Dogs: Daisy Mae Cross

Daisy is a slightly more than two year old Basset Hound who lives with her human mom & dad and her Basset sister in the Sacramento, California area. She is mostly red and white in color, with a freckled nose.

The first two years of Daisy’s life are a complete mystery and she doesn’t talk much about them. We know that she lived with a human mom and “a whole damned bunch of chihuahuas”, but beyond that, we only know that he life “didn’t suck”.

Daisy is a thin, but very athletic girl. She does not gain weight easily, despite the efforts of her mom & dad to put some meat on her bones. Daisy loves humans, dogs and many other animal species, but she hates squirrels (who are all “bushy tailed communist bastards”) and thinks both rabbits and cats are “pretty damned dodgy, if you ask me”.

Daisy is very intelligent and has a generally sweet disposition. She is a lover of all things Trek (and Who, Marvel, DC, Tolkien, etc, etc), Daisy is a big old geek girl. She particularly loves Star Trek: The Next Generation, the fourth Doctor, all things Firefly, Captain America, Batman and the RPG Dungeons & Dogs. She can hardly wait to attend her first DogCon in August of 2014

In her spare time, Daisy likes reading Star Trek novels, eating Foooooodddd Foooooorrrr Doooooggggssss!, watching monster movies with her dad, chewing on beef bones, dating nerdy Spaniels and sliding in the Slide Room on the Magic Bus.

Bananas On The Bed

…along with several drunken monkeys


The Doclopedia #1,083

Wait…What?: Polly Pond

Intrepid girl reporter Polly Pond covers the superhero beat for the Daily Times newspaper. When a city destroying battle breaks out, she’s there with her best pal and photographer, Pam Chu, to get the story. If there’s an interview with a superhero or villain to be had, Polly gets it. Oh sure, she’s been kidnapped a few times, but she always gets rescued and she always gets the story.

There are rumors that Polly has sometimes slept with heroes, villains and sidekicks to get the juicy gossip, but nobody has proven anything yet. That doesn’t mean the rumors aren’t true, just that there isn’t enough proof. Many of her reporter rivals would love to get the goods on her, but her demonic servant puts a stop to that.

Polly lives in a fashionable apartment on the Upper East side of town. She shares it with her cat, George and her cockatoo, Baby.

The Adventures Of Pureluck Stones, Master Detective

…and part time insurance adjuster


The Doclopedia #1,083

Wait…What?: Bobby Bunny

Appearing in Weener Brothers Cartoons, Bobby Bunny is one of the craziest residents of the Wacky Woods. He is always up to something with his pals Goober Goose and Melvin Mink. His antics often cause plenty of property damage and embarrassing situations for old grumps like Farmer Fertinberger, Sheriff Porkly and J. Wolverton Wolf. Many of Bobby’s adventures revolve around his attempts to get rich quick or steal some tasty food. Kids around the world just love these cartoons.

Bobby has a girlfriend, Honey O’Hare and a dog named Roy. In many cartoons, they are the ones that save Bobby from getting thrown in jail, beaten up or having his incredibly large penis cut off. The cartoons usually end with Bobby singing some sort of happy song with his pals as the old grump he’s been tormenting gets blown up or otherwise injured.


Eat More Fleems!

…this message brought to you by the American Fleem Producers



The Doclopedia #1,082

Wait…What?: Herr Muller

Oh, how we all loved Herr Muller! He was the kindest man in town, always giving out candy to children and helping the elderly and taking in injured animals. He was a pillar of the community.

It was Herr Muller, Manfred to his many friends, who helped raise money for the new hospital wing. He also gave the town the land for a new park and playground. He always said that it was up to each of us to do everything we could to help others.

Many of the women in town tried to lure Herr Muller into marriage, but he never married. It was said this was because he had lost the great love of his life during the war. He never had children, but used to say that all of the children of the town were “his kids”.

He lived in a nice house down near the river. It had wonderful gardens that he encouraged people to visit. At night, he would sometimes sing at the tavern or play cards with the other men or attend plays or concerts. Other nights, he would just stroll about or stay at home to feast upon the well rotted flesh of vagrants before a night of watching television. He enjoyed American detective shows.

In 1975, Manfred Muller moved away to spend his old age living in the south of France, after the tragic fire that burned his house to the ground. As he wished, the town turned his property into another park.

Welcome To The House Of Strange

…where we live with strange pets


NOTE:I don’t usually post stuff about DogCon/CatCon in between actual con trips (though, of course, these con trips are imaginary), but several things have happened, so I figured I’d give everybody a heads up.

First off, as most of you know, we lost Lucy to cancer back in August. It was a sad time, but we are doing better now. More on Lucy later. A few days after Lucy’s death, we adopted our sweet little Basset Hound girl, Daisy. She has become a beloved family member.

(Daisy: Hi there, folks!)

Next, our imaginary Nigerian Dwarf Goats, Abigail & Beatrice, have been offered a chance to come live in Critter City, Texas, as part of the Trained Goat Review, doing shows at the Rock Hard Cafe. It’s a pretty big show that plays twice daily during the heavy tourist season and three times a week during the off season. Abby & Bea have decided to take the offer, so they will be leaving us soon. We’ll miss them, but we’ll get to see them at the con every year.

(Abby: It was a hard decision, folks, but Mom has always told us to follow our dreams.)

(Bea: We’ll miss everybody here and the yearly trip on the Magic Bus, but we’ll put on a really great show in Critter City. Come see us!)

Our imaginary cat, Flash, did not take Lucy’s death well. He stopped eating, cried all the time and seldom left his apartment. The female cats stopped coming around and he got pretty surly. After awhile, he started to hit the catnip pretty hard. He really missed his big sister and partner in crime.

But then, well, the way Joe explained it to me is like this. See…

(Sasha: I’ll be taking over the explaining here, folks, since listening to Dad try to explain anything high tech is pretty painful and embarrassing.

To give you the short version, with the help of Joe, Bea and Sadie Misiaszek, I braintaped Lucy just days before she died (thus preserving a copy of her katra, or spirit if you follow human religion) and then uploaded it later into a cyborg body. I just could not stand to think of losing my sister.

Well, it all worked out reasonably well, even though it took longer than we expected to get some of the parts from Eosonia Cybernetics and Massive Dynamics. The biological parts took a couple of days longer to grow than we expected, too. Still and all, I think Bea, Sadie & I did a hell of a job considering we don’t have hands or thumbs and Callurian Arm Units are a pain in the ass to use.

And for those of you who ask “Why didn’t you just clone her?” see below.

The only tiny problem was that the polyphasic silibrain that we copied Lucy into doesn’t hold information indefinitely unless it’s in a functioning body, which means that when we hooked up her brain, she had some holes in her memory, plus a few very minor changes to her personality. Unfortunately, none of those changes seem to make her less likely to get into trouble with Flash.

Anyway, after about 3 weeks of fine tuning, we figured it was time to tell Mom, Dad, Flash & Abby about her. It was a very interesting family meeting, but Joe did a good job translating for Bea & I. Of course, I use the term “very interesting family meeting” in place of “the shit hit the fan”. Mom & Dad & Abby were speechless for about 10 seconds, then they all started talking at once, often in foreign tongues or straight out cussing.

Poor Flash, who was stoned out of his mind, just said “What?”

Then I trotted out Lulu (we all had agreed that she was no longer exactly Lucy Louise anymore) and everybody stared and then cried and stuff.

First thing Lulu did, tail wagging all the time, was walk right up to Flash and say, “You are now and have always been my friend. I am now and always will be yours.”

Yeah, I sorta reprogrammed her to be a Trekkie.

So Flash just stared at her and then he jumped up on her back and started wailing like a lost kitten and it was two days before he fell off of her, exhausted. He then slept for three days and has now been off the ‘nip for a month.

Mom told Bea and I what good girls we were and fed us a great meal.

Dad stood and looked at us, then smiled and said “That’ll do, pigs” and gave us the Vulcan salute.

You gotta love Dad! Well, except when he talks about high tech.

So Lulu is a part of the family now. She still needs a few upgrades before she can go out in public. The one red cyber eye makes her look kind of Borgy and I’m damned if I can get organics to grow on her tail. She also needs a few memories reinforced. Still, she’s in pretty good shape and we’ve got our sister back. Mostly.

And now I’ll return you to Dad.)

(Abby: You did good, girls. I’m proud of you.)

(Flash: I love you guys and Sadie and Joe!)

(Lulu: There is no way I can thank you, Winker.)

(Sasha: It’s Sasha, sis. Keep saying my name like I told you to, while thinking that you need to activate module 888-C.)

(Lulu: Ok. Sorry, sister.)

(Sasha: It’s ok, Lulu.)

…and while she doesn’t act or look exactly the way she used to, she’s pretty much our girl. Well, except for the 47% that’s machinery, but you can’t see most of that anyway. Amazingly, she does still eat food, but she doesn’t poop or pee very often. And she’s not afraid of a goddamned thing!

So there you have it, Gentle Readers. If anything of a similarly big nature happens, I’ll let you know.


The Doclopedia #1,081

Golden States: The Magical Golden Kingdom

On a bunch of Earths, the United States of America exists in a magic filled world. In most of those worlds, California is a major player. However, on Magic Earth 12, thingsa are different.

California is a land of great wealth, happy people and powerful magic. Unfortunately, all of the kingdoms around it are populated by evil scumbags who covet the riches of the Golden Kingdom.

To the east is Nevada, home to both the Gambling Elves and the Dark Trolls. Both have attacked California several times, but failed to gain any ground. Fortunately, these two groups hate each other and will never work together.

To the southeast you’ll find Arizona, a wretched desert kingdom that is ruled with an iron claw by the Snake People. They have attacked California twice, the last time in 1980. They were beaten back and badly hurt by a Rain of Fireballs.

Immediately to the south is Mexico, home of all sorts of terrible creatures. The worst of the lot are the Aztec Mummies and the Dire Chupacabras. While not overly intelligent, these creatures are many and persistent.

Finally, to the north is Oregon, home of the Rain Dwarves and the Beaver People. They are formidable opponents who work together well. Fortunately, they cannot devote enough manpower to a full attack on California because then the Dragons of Washington would attack from the north and the Idaho Goblins would ravage the east.

We won’t even get into the odd threats from the Salt Demons of Utah, the Volcano Giants of Wyoming or the Skinwalkers of New Mexico.

All of the above are why 60% of California’s GNP goes to defense.

What Fresh Hail Is This?

…well, that’s how it sounds in the South.


The Doclopedia #1,080

Golden States: Deadifornia

The year was 1850 and a group of miners had found a rich vein of gold in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada mountains. Then they busted through into an ancient cavern and released a strange dust that killed them all. About an hour later, the 7 miners rose up as undead and left the mine. The dust slowly drifted out of the mine and uphill, infecting more that 120 other miners. All of them rose up as the undead.

Now, some of these undead were brain eating zombies, some were flesh eating zombies and others were blood drinking vampires. Except for the brain eaters, each one created more of it’s kind. In just under 6 months, there were almost no humans left in California.

The united states government, with help from Mexico and several other countries, tried to destroy the undead. It only ended up increasing their ranks. Then, somebody noticed that the vampires, ghouls, zombies and other undead never left a certain area, which turned out to be the borders of California as we know it. There is no explanation for this.

In the current year of 1920, and starting in 1853, California is a closed off place. The borders are heavily patrolled 24/7. Thankfully, the undead do not enter oceans, lakes or large rivers, although they do seem to find ways to float across the latter on natural or man made rafts. Despite the sealing off of the area, gold greedy folks do slip in every year. None of them ever return.

The California undead are not very smart, but are quite cunning in a predatory way. They do not seem to decompose. All of them are active day and night. Much of the time they subsist on the blood, brains & flesh of feral cattle, horses, pigs & sheep. All dogs & cats left the state decades ago. The undead never seem to attack native creatures, even the huge Grizzly Bears that will kill undead on sight.

Thrilling Spicy Horror Tales Of Suspenseful Scientific Mystery

…that should cover everything.


The Doclopedia #1,079

Golden States: Long California

This version of California is only different in that it includes the Baja peninsula and an equally long 200 miles wide strip of eastern shore of the Sea of Cortez. This pretty much doubles California’s size and gave it a huge amount of arable land once desalinization plants were built to supply water. It also allowed California to become a worldwide mecca for tourists. In fact, after agriculture and high technology, tourism is California’s biggest source of income.

In most other ways, California is pretty much the same as it has always been, except Texans hate it even more than they do here.