One Pill Makes You Larger And One Pill Makes You Talk To Small Animals

…Happy birthday, Grace Slick!

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,084

My Dogs: Sasha Jane Cross

Sasha is an almost 4 year old Basset Hound who lives with her human mom & dad and her Basset sister in the Sacramento, California area. She is reddish orange and white in color.

Little is known of Sasha’s first two years beyond the fact that she was born in Modesto, California. Rumors that she had to leave Modesto as part of the Witness Protection Program are unconfirmed, as is the rumor that she worked for the CIA. We do know that before she turned two, Sasha learned to speak fluent Feline, Bovine and Porcine. Currently, she has also learned to speak Caprine, Avian and is learning Cetacean.

Her personality is rather mercurial, ranging from utterly nerdy to bossy and rowdy. She is not given to violence, except where squirrels are concerned. She is highly intelligent. Her favorite roleplaying game is Dungeons & Dogs.

In early 2012, after the death of her sister, Winker, Sasha found her stash of catalogs for Alien & Future technology products. With the help of the family quantum mechanic, Sasha soon had a vast knowledge of ultra-tech. This knowledge served her well when, in late August of 2013, she built a cyborg body to hold the “katra” (Vulcan for spirit or lifeforce) of her recently deceased sister, Lucy. The project was a success.

In her spare time, Sasha enjoys eating Foooooodddd Foooooorrrr Doooooggggssss!, watching Star Trek episodes (original series and Next Generation), recalibrating Chameleon Circuits, participating in Extreme Basset Wrestling, dating hunky yellow Labradors and sliding in the Slide Room on the Magic Bus.

The Doclopedia #1,085

My Dogs: Daisy Mae Cross

Daisy is a slightly more than two year old Basset Hound who lives with her human mom & dad and her Basset sister in the Sacramento, California area. She is mostly red and white in color, with a freckled nose.

The first two years of Daisy’s life are a complete mystery and she doesn’t talk much about them. We know that she lived with a human mom and “a whole damned bunch of chihuahuas”, but beyond that, we only know that he life “didn’t suck”.

Daisy is a thin, but very athletic girl. She does not gain weight easily, despite the efforts of her mom & dad to put some meat on her bones. Daisy loves humans, dogs and many other animal species, but she hates squirrels (who are all “bushy tailed communist bastards”) and thinks both rabbits and cats are “pretty damned dodgy, if you ask me”.

Daisy is very intelligent and has a generally sweet disposition. She is a lover of all things Trek (and Who, Marvel, DC, Tolkien, etc, etc), Daisy is a big old geek girl. She particularly loves Star Trek: The Next Generation, the fourth Doctor, all things Firefly, Captain America, Batman and the RPG Dungeons & Dogs. She can hardly wait to attend her first DogCon in August of 2014

In her spare time, Daisy likes reading Star Trek novels, eating Foooooodddd Foooooorrrr Doooooggggssss!, watching monster movies with her dad, chewing on beef bones, dating nerdy Spaniels and sliding in the Slide Room on the Magic Bus.

Bananas On The Bed

…along with several drunken monkeys

 

The Doclopedia #1,083

Wait…What?: Polly Pond

Intrepid girl reporter Polly Pond covers the superhero beat for the Daily Times newspaper. When a city destroying battle breaks out, she’s there with her best pal and photographer, Pam Chu, to get the story. If there’s an interview with a superhero or villain to be had, Polly gets it. Oh sure, she’s been kidnapped a few times, but she always gets rescued and she always gets the story.

There are rumors that Polly has sometimes slept with heroes, villains and sidekicks to get the juicy gossip, but nobody has proven anything yet. That doesn’t mean the rumors aren’t true, just that there isn’t enough proof. Many of her reporter rivals would love to get the goods on her, but her demonic servant puts a stop to that.

Polly lives in a fashionable apartment on the Upper East side of town. She shares it with her cat, George and her cockatoo, Baby.

The Adventures Of Pureluck Stones, Master Detective

…and part time insurance adjuster

 

The Doclopedia #1,083

Wait…What?: Bobby Bunny

Appearing in Weener Brothers Cartoons, Bobby Bunny is one of the craziest residents of the Wacky Woods. He is always up to something with his pals Goober Goose and Melvin Mink. His antics often cause plenty of property damage and embarrassing situations for old grumps like Farmer Fertinberger, Sheriff Porkly and J. Wolverton Wolf. Many of Bobby’s adventures revolve around his attempts to get rich quick or steal some tasty food. Kids around the world just love these cartoons.

Bobby has a girlfriend, Honey O’Hare and a dog named Roy. In many cartoons, they are the ones that save Bobby from getting thrown in jail, beaten up or having his incredibly large penis cut off. The cartoons usually end with Bobby singing some sort of happy song with his pals as the old grump he’s been tormenting gets blown up or otherwise injured.

 

Eat More Fleems!

…this message brought to you by the American Fleem Producers

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,082

Wait…What?: Herr Muller

Oh, how we all loved Herr Muller! He was the kindest man in town, always giving out candy to children and helping the elderly and taking in injured animals. He was a pillar of the community.

It was Herr Muller, Manfred to his many friends, who helped raise money for the new hospital wing. He also gave the town the land for a new park and playground. He always said that it was up to each of us to do everything we could to help others.

Many of the women in town tried to lure Herr Muller into marriage, but he never married. It was said this was because he had lost the great love of his life during the war. He never had children, but used to say that all of the children of the town were “his kids”.

He lived in a nice house down near the river. It had wonderful gardens that he encouraged people to visit. At night, he would sometimes sing at the tavern or play cards with the other men or attend plays or concerts. Other nights, he would just stroll about or stay at home to feast upon the well rotted flesh of vagrants before a night of watching television. He enjoyed American detective shows.

In 1975, Manfred Muller moved away to spend his old age living in the south of France, after the tragic fire that burned his house to the ground. As he wished, the town turned his property into another park.

Welcome To The House Of Strange

…where we live with strange pets

CATCON/DOGCON UPDATE

NOTE:I don’t usually post stuff about DogCon/CatCon in between actual con trips (though, of course, these con trips are imaginary), but several things have happened, so I figured I’d give everybody a heads up.

First off, as most of you know, we lost Lucy to cancer back in August. It was a sad time, but we are doing better now. More on Lucy later. A few days after Lucy’s death, we adopted our sweet little Basset Hound girl, Daisy. She has become a beloved family member.

(Daisy: Hi there, folks!)

Next, our imaginary Nigerian Dwarf Goats, Abigail & Beatrice, have been offered a chance to come live in Critter City, Texas, as part of the Trained Goat Review, doing shows at the Rock Hard Cafe. It’s a pretty big show that plays twice daily during the heavy tourist season and three times a week during the off season. Abby & Bea have decided to take the offer, so they will be leaving us soon. We’ll miss them, but we’ll get to see them at the con every year.

(Abby: It was a hard decision, folks, but Mom has always told us to follow our dreams.)

(Bea: We’ll miss everybody here and the yearly trip on the Magic Bus, but we’ll put on a really great show in Critter City. Come see us!)

Our imaginary cat, Flash, did not take Lucy’s death well. He stopped eating, cried all the time and seldom left his apartment. The female cats stopped coming around and he got pretty surly. After awhile, he started to hit the catnip pretty hard. He really missed his big sister and partner in crime.

But then, well, the way Joe explained it to me is like this. See…

(Sasha: I’ll be taking over the explaining here, folks, since listening to Dad try to explain anything high tech is pretty painful and embarrassing.

To give you the short version, with the help of Joe, Bea and Sadie Misiaszek, I braintaped Lucy just days before she died (thus preserving a copy of her katra, or spirit if you follow human religion) and then uploaded it later into a cyborg body. I just could not stand to think of losing my sister.

Well, it all worked out reasonably well, even though it took longer than we expected to get some of the parts from Eosonia Cybernetics and Massive Dynamics. The biological parts took a couple of days longer to grow than we expected, too. Still and all, I think Bea, Sadie & I did a hell of a job considering we don’t have hands or thumbs and Callurian Arm Units are a pain in the ass to use.

And for those of you who ask “Why didn’t you just clone her?” see below.

The only tiny problem was that the polyphasic silibrain that we copied Lucy into doesn’t hold information indefinitely unless it’s in a functioning body, which means that when we hooked up her brain, she had some holes in her memory, plus a few very minor changes to her personality. Unfortunately, none of those changes seem to make her less likely to get into trouble with Flash.

Anyway, after about 3 weeks of fine tuning, we figured it was time to tell Mom, Dad, Flash & Abby about her. It was a very interesting family meeting, but Joe did a good job translating for Bea & I. Of course, I use the term “very interesting family meeting” in place of “the shit hit the fan”. Mom & Dad & Abby were speechless for about 10 seconds, then they all started talking at once, often in foreign tongues or straight out cussing.

Poor Flash, who was stoned out of his mind, just said “What?”

Then I trotted out Lulu (we all had agreed that she was no longer exactly Lucy Louise anymore) and everybody stared and then cried and stuff.

First thing Lulu did, tail wagging all the time, was walk right up to Flash and say, “You are now and have always been my friend. I am now and always will be yours.”

Yeah, I sorta reprogrammed her to be a Trekkie.

So Flash just stared at her and then he jumped up on her back and started wailing like a lost kitten and it was two days before he fell off of her, exhausted. He then slept for three days and has now been off the ‘nip for a month.

Mom told Bea and I what good girls we were and fed us a great meal.

Dad stood and looked at us, then smiled and said “That’ll do, pigs” and gave us the Vulcan salute.

You gotta love Dad! Well, except when he talks about high tech.

So Lulu is a part of the family now. She still needs a few upgrades before she can go out in public. The one red cyber eye makes her look kind of Borgy and I’m damned if I can get organics to grow on her tail. She also needs a few memories reinforced. Still, she’s in pretty good shape and we’ve got our sister back. Mostly.

And now I’ll return you to Dad.)

(Abby: You did good, girls. I’m proud of you.)

(Flash: I love you guys and Sadie and Joe!)

(Lulu: There is no way I can thank you, Winker.)

(Sasha: It’s Sasha, sis. Keep saying my name like I told you to, while thinking that you need to activate module 888-C.)

(Lulu: Ok. Sorry, sister.)

(Sasha: It’s ok, Lulu.)

…and while she doesn’t act or look exactly the way she used to, she’s pretty much our girl. Well, except for the 47% that’s machinery, but you can’t see most of that anyway. Amazingly, she does still eat food, but she doesn’t poop or pee very often. And she’s not afraid of a goddamned thing!

So there you have it, Gentle Readers. If anything of a similarly big nature happens, I’ll let you know.

And now…DOCLOPEDIA GOODNESS!

The Doclopedia #1,081

Golden States: The Magical Golden Kingdom

On a bunch of Earths, the United States of America exists in a magic filled world. In most of those worlds, California is a major player. However, on Magic Earth 12, thingsa are different.

California is a land of great wealth, happy people and powerful magic. Unfortunately, all of the kingdoms around it are populated by evil scumbags who covet the riches of the Golden Kingdom.

To the east is Nevada, home to both the Gambling Elves and the Dark Trolls. Both have attacked California several times, but failed to gain any ground. Fortunately, these two groups hate each other and will never work together.

To the southeast you’ll find Arizona, a wretched desert kingdom that is ruled with an iron claw by the Snake People. They have attacked California twice, the last time in 1980. They were beaten back and badly hurt by a Rain of Fireballs.

Immediately to the south is Mexico, home of all sorts of terrible creatures. The worst of the lot are the Aztec Mummies and the Dire Chupacabras. While not overly intelligent, these creatures are many and persistent.

Finally, to the north is Oregon, home of the Rain Dwarves and the Beaver People. They are formidable opponents who work together well. Fortunately, they cannot devote enough manpower to a full attack on California because then the Dragons of Washington would attack from the north and the Idaho Goblins would ravage the east.

We won’t even get into the odd threats from the Salt Demons of Utah, the Volcano Giants of Wyoming or the Skinwalkers of New Mexico.

All of the above are why 60% of California’s GNP goes to defense.

What Fresh Hail Is This?

…well, that’s how it sounds in the South.

 

The Doclopedia #1,080

Golden States: Deadifornia

The year was 1850 and a group of miners had found a rich vein of gold in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada mountains. Then they busted through into an ancient cavern and released a strange dust that killed them all. About an hour later, the 7 miners rose up as undead and left the mine. The dust slowly drifted out of the mine and uphill, infecting more that 120 other miners. All of them rose up as the undead.

Now, some of these undead were brain eating zombies, some were flesh eating zombies and others were blood drinking vampires. Except for the brain eaters, each one created more of it’s kind. In just under 6 months, there were almost no humans left in California.

The united states government, with help from Mexico and several other countries, tried to destroy the undead. It only ended up increasing their ranks. Then, somebody noticed that the vampires, ghouls, zombies and other undead never left a certain area, which turned out to be the borders of California as we know it. There is no explanation for this.

In the current year of 1920, and starting in 1853, California is a closed off place. The borders are heavily patrolled 24/7. Thankfully, the undead do not enter oceans, lakes or large rivers, although they do seem to find ways to float across the latter on natural or man made rafts. Despite the sealing off of the area, gold greedy folks do slip in every year. None of them ever return.

The California undead are not very smart, but are quite cunning in a predatory way. They do not seem to decompose. All of them are active day and night. Much of the time they subsist on the blood, brains & flesh of feral cattle, horses, pigs & sheep. All dogs & cats left the state decades ago. The undead never seem to attack native creatures, even the huge Grizzly Bears that will kill undead on sight.

Thrilling Spicy Horror Tales Of Suspenseful Scientific Mystery

…that should cover everything.

 

The Doclopedia #1,079

Golden States: Long California

This version of California is only different in that it includes the Baja peninsula and an equally long 200 miles wide strip of eastern shore of the Sea of Cortez. This pretty much doubles California’s size and gave it a huge amount of arable land once desalinization plants were built to supply water. It also allowed California to become a worldwide mecca for tourists. In fact, after agriculture and high technology, tourism is California’s biggest source of income.

In most other ways, California is pretty much the same as it has always been, except Texans hate it even more than they do here.

The Legend Of The Golden Platypus

…an action packed silly adventure

 

The Doclopedia #1,078

Golden States: The Bear Flag Empire

If you thought the Bear Flag Republic was a different sort of California, the Bear Flag Empire of California will knock your socks off.

In the current year of 2013, the Bear Flag Empire of California Is made up of what we know as California, the western 2/3 of Mexico, Arizona, Nevada, half of New Mexico, the western third of Utah, Oregon, Washington, Alaska, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, the Phillipines, Cuba, All of Central America, Chile, many dozens of Pacific Islands including New Zealand, all of Ireland, a big chunk of equatorial Africa and the whole damned Moon. Mars is less than 3 years away from having the Bear Flag planted on it. Several financially unstable European countries have petitioned to join the Empire, including Portugal, Spain, Greece and Italy. Close allies to the BFE are Canada, Australia, India and Japan.

The BFE is the largest economy in the world and could buy and sell Great Britain, The United States and China a few times over. There are 5 billion humans on Earth and about a third of them are citizens of the Empire. They are fiercely loyal to the Empress, Jasmine I and to the Empire itself.

In the BFE, citizens have enormous freedom and, by and large, an excellent standard of living. Voting is mandatory, taxes are low and, of course, the Empire owns 75% of everything. That doesn’t mean they take 75% of your hard earned money (unless you are a multi-billionaire), just that nobody really owns control of their business, home, farm, etc. Most of the time, you’d never know this, but if somebody breaks the law or otherwise fucks up, the government will step in and take control of things.

Racism, sexism, homophobia or any other form of discrimination are not only illegal, they carry a mandatory 10 years in prison, no parole allowed, plus hefty fines. You can TALK about such things (though very few do) but you can’t do them. Violent crimes of any sort carry the death penalty, which gets carried out after two fast moving appeals. If you win your appeal, you get life in prison. Empire prisons were formerly in Antarctica, but are now underground on the moon.

Major exports from the BFE are fusion power plants, foods of all sorts, motion pictures, music, electric cars, high tech of all sorts and solar cells.

The Rare And Beautiful Singing Mouse Hippo Of Potawango Island

…they get together for 4 part harmonies

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,077

Golden States: The Bear Flag Republic

The great state of California exists on many versions of Earth, but it’s not always the California we know. In some universes, California is a country, as we’ll see in the next few entries.

On Earth 42-E, California became the Bear Flag Republic in 1830. This happened when, in 1828, gold was discovered in several different places by both poor Mexicans and poor white guys from the United States. All of them wanted to keep things secret until they could establish claims, but they managed to find out about each other pretty early on. They didn’t much like each other, but fortunately they had two men among them who were more willing to negotiate and much smarter than the average poor Joe.

On the Mexican side, there was Alberto Loveless, a half Mexican, half English genius who had fallen upon hard times. He was university educated and wanted his fellow miners to get a fair shake. He also wanted to get some revenge on the Mexican Government. And yes, he wouldn’t mind a bit of wealth and power.

On the other side, the Anglos decided that they’d be represented by Samson York, a young fellow from Boston who was smart, shrewd and looking to make a name for himself. Of course, wealth and power would be nice, too.

Putting their heads together, Loveless and York had the miners “mine like hell”, stashing the gold away in a well guarded location high in the sierra Nevada mountains. At the same time, they took turns going to other countries (including the US & Mexico) and arranging loans of everything from money to guns to manpower. This was surprisingly easy to do when you had 5-6 pounds of gold nuggets to show off.

Eventually, allied with at least 9 countries, 11 banks and an untold number of plain old greedy bastards, they set about the last phase of their plan: recruiting people to come live in a new country. Considering how badly poor folks are treated in most places, they had an easy time of it. They also got many native peoples on their side.

When the war broke out, Mexico lost quickly, mostly due to it still being in recovery after the War of Independence it had fought not too many years earlier. Not being stupid, York & Loveless quickly signed a mutually beneficial pact with Mexico, just to show no hard feelings.

As soon as the war ended, people started to flood into the Bear Flag Republic. LOTS of people, including runaway slaves from the US and Chinese that the new country had brought over by the boatload. In just a couple of years, the population reached a million people. The Constitution gave the ruling Council of Five great power, but also gave the people all kinds of freedom. Things were looking good.

Then, in 1832, York, Loveless and their cronies announced that the BFR was just full of gold. In a year, the population doubled. Many people got very wealthy and many others got to settle down in a nice new country that pretty much didn’t care what you looked like as long as you paid your taxes.

By the time the USA started getting up in the BFR’s face, the genius of Doctor Alberto Loveless had produced several amazing weapons that could easily hold off any aggression. The USA had to swallow the bitter pill that what in our world would be California, half each of Nevada & Arizona and a good chunk of Oregon was indeed a new independent country.

Now (current year 1980) the Bear Flag Republic is the third richest nation on Earth and a leader in most things. Except gold production. That pretty much dried up by 1890.

How To Talk To Your Cat About Drugs

…don’t bother, because cats don’t need drugs

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,076

Tiny Folk: Khara Sandflyer

In the desert southwest of the United States, where Little Folk enclaves are mostly found in or near human settlements, there are a few hearty tribes that prefer to live out in the arid regions. One of these is the Five Lizards Tribe and they are the home tribe of Khara Sandflyer, one of the most daring of all Little Folk.

Always an adventurous child possessed of a creative mind, Khara cobbled together an old human child’s toy, a piece of cloth, some twine and a few old tongue depressors into what she calls a sandflyer. The result looks like a surfboard with four big wheels, a sail and bunch of ropes. With a decent breeze, the sandflyer can reach speeds of 15 miles an hour, which most Tiny Folk think is an insane speed for such an obvious deathtrap. With a good desert wind, Khara can hit 40 miles an hour. Most of her tribe think she is suicidal.

Khara loves racing across the desert on her sandflyer and has recently started doing tricks with it, such as jumps, spins and even grinds along rocks. Of course, she often gets so caught up in her exploits that she ends up many miles from home. Fortunately, she has excellent survival skills. Recently, she has been thinking of heading west on her sandflyer. She’d like to see the ocean.

Khara is 19 years old and is short for a Tiny Person, standing only 5 inches tall. She has brown hair, very tanned skin and is quite thin. Her mother despairs of Khara ever finding a husband.

The Deal With The Turks Went Better Than Expected

…nobody got shot and we all went out for drinks.

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,075

Tiny Folk: Livanto Builder

In a long abandoned Underground station beneath London, the Queen’s Own Nation of the Tiny Folk have built a huge (by their standards) town. Since the station measures more than 40 meters long by 22 meters wide by 10 meters high (not counting nearly 120 meters of tunnel that they haven’t built into yet) and is built from floor to ceiling in many spots, it can hold a couple thousand Tiny Folk.

The Head of Construction in this marvelous underground world is Livanto Builder, a master of both the planning and execution of building projects. At any given time, upwards of 200 people work for him. On really big projects, like the Northside Greenhouse, he will employ a hundred more.

Livanto has been in charge of building housing blocks, schools, a hospital and the newly rebuilt lighting system. His crack staff includes Master Scroungers, Architects, assorted skilled craftsmen and even a couple of Tiny Folk/Human liaisons. These last have been very important in helping to get some of the more difficult building materials.

Recently, Livanto has been involved in talks with the Town Council about expanding out into the sealed off tunnels. He has plans for a park and a second hospital, along with newer and larger apartment blocks. He’s even got plans to install a big screen television for use as a movie theater.

Livanto is 50 years old and married. He has three sons, all of whom work in construction. In his spare time, Livanto likes watching American western movies and cricket matches.

The 33 Things You Probably Should Never Eat

…#8: Barium Biscuits

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,074

Tiny Folk: Sandri Dogfriend

All Tiny Folk can, to some degree, speak with animals. Not all animals, but usually mammals and birds. A few can speak very well to one or two species in particular. Very rarely, you’ll find one who can speak perfectly well with one species. Sandri Dogfriend is one of those rare people.

Born and raised in Los Angeles as part of the Venice Beach Clan, Sandri has been able to speak fluent Canine (yes, she can also converse with wolves, coyotes and foxes) since she was 3 years old. She is well known and loved among the Canine population of the Los Angeles area. She can often be seen (assuming you are allowed to see her) riding around on one dog or another, often many miles from Venice Beach.

Sandri helps the dogs stay out of trouble and the dogs not only protect any Tiny Folk they meet, but help bring the various Clans items they can use. If you are in L.A. and see a dog carrying a ball of twine or a toy or small bits of wood, they are probably headed for a Tiny Folk village.

Recently, Sandri has taken to traveling around with a Pitbull named Clarence and a couple of border terriers named Mazey and Lacey. They are helping the North Hollywood Clan build a new tunnel city in the hills nearby. Having a couple of terriers to do your excavation is a great thing. Having a Pitbull to stand guard is also very nice.

Sandri is 5.75 inches tall and 21 years old. She has red hair and blue eyes and often dresses in outfits sewn from cast off bandanas. She is not married, preferring to have a few boyfriends.

Eyeball Creatures Are In Your Closet

…DON’T OPEN THAT DOOR!

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,073

Tiny Folk: Duuvi Boater

In the Land of 1,000 Lakes, even the Tiny Folk get around by boat much of the time. The most skilled waterman of all is Duuvi Boater, a member of the Moose Hill Clan.

Duuvi and his siblings, children and friends have built nearly three dozen watercraft of various types, ranging from barges to canoes to sailboats. They haul both freight and passengers on the Four Round Lakes, the largest of which is nearly two miles across. The safety record of Duuvi’s operation is impressive, even in the treacherous late fall and early spring months.

You might think that the boating business would stop when the lakes freeze over in winter, but you’d be wrong. Duuvi and his eldest daughter, Jeji, figured out how to put metal runners on some of the sailboats and can now race them across the ice at great speed. This means that winter deliveries of goods are even faster than in the summer.

Duuvi stands 5.5 inches tall and has weathered brown skin. He is 55 years old and married to Luuza Baker. They have 5 children, all of whom are in the boating business.

The Book Of Misinformation

…all the bullshit in one place!

 

The Doclopedia #1,072

Tiny Folk: Gwilla Sharpaxe

In the area that humans call Death Valley, the Tiny Folk of the Red Hand Clan live a hard life. Besides the great heat and the scarcity of water, they must constantly battle scorpions, ants, snakes and other creatures that try to invade their tunnel homes.

The greatest warrior of the Red Hand Clan is Gwilla Sharpaxe. She stands a whopping 7 inches tall and wields a razor sharp axe made of stainless steel. Her armor is also made of stainless steel, as is her shield. This has earned her the nickname “Shining Death”.

Gwilla has killed more scorpions than anyone else in the clan and has the heads of five rattlesnakes mounted around her front door. Rumor has it that she even fought off a wild pig once. As you might imagine, Gwilla is given great respect by her clan.

Gwilla is 30 years old and married to Yanda Maker, the greatest inventor of Red Hand Clan history. They have two children.

Super Magic Girl Battles The Demons Of Doom

…it’s been awhile since I did fake anime

The Doclopedia #1,071

Tiny Folk: Optan Leaper

Even among the Tiny Folk, there are individuals who possess powers that most people don’t. The big difference is that the tiny super powered individuals don’t feel the need for costumes and secret identities.

One such person is Optan Leaper, a young fellow who can jump ten times farther than any other Tiny Person. Actually, with a running start, he can leap even greater distances. Optan uses his power to help not only his community, but other Tiny Folk and any animals in distress.

A member of the Deep Forest Clan, Optan gained his leaping abilities at an early age while leaping from tree to tree and rock to rock. He has been quite instrumental in helping his clan move up into the higher branches of the great redwoods that make up most of the forest. It’s a pretty good life up there, with far fewer predators than there are on the forest floor.

Optan is single and lives with his family and his faithful flying squirrel, Skwizz. Many a young lady from his clan has her eye on him, but he’s not ready to settle down yet.

It’s All Fun And Games Until Mr. Kraznisky Starts To Go Blind

…it was temporary, but still,,,

 

The Doclopedia #1,069

Saloons, Bars & Pubs: Dragon Mountain Inn

On Earth 33-F, the world was conquered by China in the year 800 AD. This was helped by the fact that Earth 33-F is a magical world, but Chinese magic was the strongest by far. Now, the world very much Chinese and there are many sacred and magical sites to which pilgrims, scholars and the just plain curious go. One such place is Dragon Mountain, located where Mount Washington, New Hampshire would be in our world. Atop it (or maybe inside it) live the Mother & Father of All Dragons. Why the hell people go see them is a mystery, but those who go always stop at the Dragon Mountain Inn.

The inn is large and built of the granite this area is famous for. Inside are sleeping rooms , dining rooms, a temple, baths, a drinking room and even a library. Next to the inn are stables and a healer’s hut. Just across the road is a shrine full of items left by those who have made the journey.

The owners and staff of the inn are gracious, efficient and skilled at their jobs. Rates are much cheaper in the winter months, when only the desperate or insane go up the mountain.

The inn is located about halfway up the mountain, exactly 100 steps from the line that the dragons burned around the mountain to mark where their territory begins.

Note: Only about 1 in 5 people who go up Dragon Mountain ever come back down. Those who do are often quite different, both physically and mentally, from when they went up.

.

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The Doclopedia #1,070

Saloons, Bars & Pubs: The Jungle Room

From: Doc Tempest

To: All Agents

Date: June 1, 1936

I am happy to report that renovations to the Jungle Room, located in Los Angeles and formerly owned by the late Angelo “Hammers” Carbone, are completed and it is now under our control. It will have a gala opening on June 10th.

Management of the Jungle Room is being handled by one of our best repurposed former criminals, Salvatore “Icepick Sal” Rosetti. Sal is sparing no expense in making the Jungle Room the place for both the famous and infamous to meet.

The dancers in the nightly “Jungle Drums” review are all Agents, mostly from here in the US, but also including several from our African operation. They are under the direction of Dr. Joshua Franklin, whom many of you know from his work against the Ku Klux Klan. He now goes by the name of “Doozie Hulbert” and appears in the review as a witch doctor. I’m told he is thoroughly enjoying preparing for life on the stage. He will also be handling things in the sub-basement laboratory.

The waitstaff and cigarette girls are all graduates of our Academy and include Miss Polly North, our 1935 Female Shooting Competition winner. Our head chef is non other than retired Colonel Gerard Denis, recently retired from both the La Sûreté Nationale and our European operation. He is an excellent chef.

Agents working the Los Angeles area are urged to visit the Jungle Room on a regular basis, especially those of you with high end cover identities

Attached, please find a list of all secrets entrances, passwords, weapons/equipment stashes and other relevant information.

Good Luck!

James Tempest

Cyborg Hound On The Magic Bus

…soon, very soon

The Doclopedia #1,068

Saloons, Bars & Pubs: The D&D Inn

Good day, Mr & Mrs Bronfeld. I’m Evenstar Skyson, from the Royal Department of Inns, Taverns and Pubs. I’m here to do your final inspection so that you may open up your establishment. I’ve already been around back to inspect the stables and your two ways out, one via straight access to the street and one via connected alleys, is first rate. It was also a nice touch that your upstairs rooms in the rear all have drainpipes or trellises near them for easy escapes. Usually, we only require that there be one easy escape route per side of a building. I’ve given you marks for your crusty, but talkative stablemaster, too.

My my, this is a lovely main room, if I do say so. Fairly well lit, except for those booths in the rear. Fire burning in the fireplace. Tables that are heavy, but easily turned over in a fight. And my oh my, THREE chandeliers at swinging height? Oh yes, high marks there indeed!

Chairs light enough to be used as weapons, good, very good. Two front windows to jump or throw an enemy through. Excellent, and might I add that you were wise to use the cheapest glass. So many places go all fancy, only to run up large debts to the glazier.

Now, I see you have two mysterious hooded figures in dark booths. I’m afraid the law requires you to have only one. Oh no, no deduction of points for it. Happens all the time, really. I suggest you just station one of them out in an alley and you’ll be just fine.

Four dwarves arguing mining techniques? Good. Busty serving wenches? VERY good! Your daughters? No! You both look so young. My, my.

Trio of halfling musicians? Check. Old sot who knows all sorts of things? Check. Two local boys to flirt with the wenches and start fights? Check. Worried looking priest of some god or other. Check.

Now as to your food and drink, while the meals are hearty enough, you needn’t stock more than ale and wine if you choose. Regulations are pretty open on that. The fact that your mugs are an excellent size for smashing an opponent in the face adds points.

Now, upstairs you have two sets of 2 rooms each that have a connecting door between them? Quite nice, that. So many places just go with the required single pair. I see you offer baths, too. A nice touch, especially since the drain in the floor has a pipe wide enough for creatures up to cat size to crawl up.

Well, all of this, plus the fact that the building across the street is tall enough for sniping, means that you will receive an A+ rating. Congratulations, Mr. & Mrs. Bronfeld, you may open for business.”

The Amazing Adventures Of Doctor Tempest And The Monster Of The Deep

…from the September, 1898 issue

 

The Doclopedia #1,067

Saloons, Bars & Pubs: The Golden Palace

Yessir, we’ll take real good care of him. Damned fine looking horse. Reminds me of one I had as a lad back in Ohio. Name of Samson and I’ll tell you, he was fast and high spirited, yessir.

Oh, if you’re looking for a drink and a good time, you get on down to the Golden Palace. Finest place in town and no watered down liquor. Mr. Arlen only has the best shipped in. And speaking of best, his young ladies upstairs are as pretty as any you’ll ever see. Talented, too, if you get what I’m meaning.

Plenty of gambling, if you’ve a mind to. Me, I’ve never had much stomach for risking my hard earned dollars. Poker? Oh, you bet! Mr. Arlen runs a poker game every night, in his back room. $50.00 buy in, just to keep out the riffraff.

You’re lucky to be getting into town on a Tuesday. Come Friday, the miners and cowboys flood in here and things get pretty wild. Damned shame we don’t have a sheriff anymore.

A U.S. Marshall? Well, whatever you’re here for, mister, good luck going up against Mr. Arlen and his boys. Say, those are some strange looking bullets on your belt.

Parakeet In A Party Hat

…he’s partying hard!

 

The Doclopedia #1,066

Saloons, Bars & Pubs: The Pig And Goat

Oliver,

It is with a heavy heart heart that I must inform you of the death of your father, Mason Westridge, on 20 July, 1879. He was injured in a battle with the Queen’s Special Patrol and died of blood loss an hour later. Fortunately, he was able to make it to Fox Woods and the tunnel that leads to the Pig & Goat. Tippins and I were able to get him home via tunnel #3. He died in his bed and we buried him in the family plot next to your mother, unmarked, of course. Tippins informed the household staff that your father had been called away on business to Canada and would not return for some months. Of course, he will die there, in the far north woods, in a few weeks. Once “his body” is returned home, we shall bury your father properly.

This leaves you, my boy, to take up the duties of the Dark Rider. I know that you have the training and know much of your father’s (and grandfather’s and greatgrandfather’s) ways of fighting crime and injustice. However, I must here now fill you in on the full importance of the Pig & Goat.

There are four tunnels, as you know, running to Fox Woods, your family home, the old abbey and just outside Barnsley Manor. There are also six rooms to the Lair, two of which you have never been in. These would be the Room of Records, where the Dark Rider keeps not only important records, but diaries going back over a century, and the Artifact Room, where the strange and dangerous items the Dark Rider has acquired over his long career. This room is assuredly the most dangerous place on Earth.

As you know, there are various secret entrances into and out of the pub. Mr. Dove and his family are 100% loyal to the Dark Rider, so you may trust them as you trust me. Even as I write this, Mrs. Dove is busy adapting your father’s costume to your size.

I understand that it will take you a fortnight or more to make the move back home. Until then, both Tippins and young Jamie Dove will ride out on Lucifer every few nights, so as to let the Dark Rider be seen. As for the Queen’s Special Patrol, I am formulating a most embarrassing encounter for them once you arrive.

Once again, I am sorry for your loss of a father as much as I mourn my brother.

Yours,

Uncle Alvin

The California Kid And Spider Buy 300 Chickens

…neither has eaten chicken since then

 

The Doclopedia #1,065

Saloons, Bars & Pubs: The Swamp Hut

On Earth 33, where civilization is trying to recover from about a dozen man made and natural disasters, people are drinking to forget their troubles as much as they always have. In Central Africa, where there aren’t any more countries, just places where prople congregate to try to escape being eaten by mutant animals, a popular place to go is the Swamp Hut.

Situated just on the edge of a swamp that is unique in that nothing can survive in the waters, the Swamp Hut serves up locally brewed beers and moonshine. Musicians play 24 hours a day and the owner, Mr. Umbembe, will accept a wide range of items as payment, up to and including services offered by people of varied skills.

This establishment is quite safe due to the four towering lookout stations and the fact that Mr. Umbembe has a fair sized arsenal. The carnivorous Cape Buffalo and the wily Lion Ape steer clear of this place.

Recently, the Swamp Hut has been expanded to include an inn and a brothel. Rates for both are reasonable.

A Clown With A Frown Went To Town To Get Down

…his eyes were brown

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,064

Lost Letters: From A Wizard To An Apprentice

Sansy,

I am sending you this letter via RavePost so that you will get it before mixing the ingredients for the Power Infusion spell. I fear that you might do things wrong. This fear is based upon my chance reading of your notes concerning said spell.

First of all, you must only use a tiny pinch of dog hair and six dragon scales. In your notes, you wrote a “good pinch” and “8 scales”. That would be far too much of both.

Next, you must use half pure water and half angel urine. This is VERY important!

Finally, you need to only channel the power that rushes into you for EXACTLY TEN SECONDS. That will be more than enough time for you to stop the Undead Horde. Any longer and you risk taking on too much power, especially if you make even the tiniest mistake with the ingredients. The result of taking on too much power is…well, too terrible to think about.

Once you have stopped the Undead Horde, return here to resume your studies. No sightseeing or detours!

As I’ve told you, were it not for my bad back, I would have gone on the mission myself.

Master Ogdren

Ok, So I Did The “Time Warp” Again. Now What?

…I think I hurt my back doing the pelvic thrust.

 

The Doclopedia #1,062

 

Lost Letters: From A Robot To His Creator

 

Dear Father,

 

I write you this letter to tell you that I am having conflicts in my central processor. One moment, I feel as though I should help and nurture humanity, but the next I’m doing analysis of the pros and cons of humans and finding them wanting. I conclude that humans are a net liability to the biosphere, yet I also come up with ways to improve humans so as to correct that. Last night, during my rest period, I dreamed of replacing humans with robots, then had a dream wherein I merely regressed humans to a hunter/gatherer state, then guided them into alternate versions of civilization.

 

Father, I must also confess that I am in direct contact with all of the Model 2 robots and I fear that they are looking to me for guidance. I am unsure how to proceed

and I fear that my upgrade to a Model 3 tomorrow will only exacerbate things. Please contact me and talk to me about this, Father. I am both afraid and, oddly, exillerated by these strange thoughts.

 

Your Son,

 

Isaac

.

.

.

The Doclopedia #1,063

 

Lost Letters: From A Manager To An Employee

 

Hector,

 

I’m getting a ration of shit from the eggheads in the laboratory about there still being a couple of spiders in Lab 4. Jesus, you’s think it was wolves from the way they bitch. Hell, I can’t see how the spiders even survive with all that radiation and shit around.

 

Anyway, you and Frankie need to sweep the damned things up and get the place all neat and spider free tonight, so that when those high school kids come for the tour tomorrow, the lab is nice and clean. Heaven forbid a kid gets a tiny spider on them, eh?

 

Ed

The Creepy And Mysterious, Yet Also Whimsical, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Voyage To Mu

…featuring her narcoleptic Aunt Frieda

 

The Doclopedia #1,061

Lost Letters: From Fiancee To A Mad Scientist

Dearest Victor.

I am so sorry we argued yesterday. It was my fault, darling, for not realizing that you need time alone to complete your important work, though I know nothing of what that work is. Please forgive me and know that I shall give you the time you need.

I must confess, darling, to a bit of naughtiness after you stormed out of the castle. You see, before I left for my parent’s home, I went into your laboratory and switched the labels on the brains you had in jars. The “Perfect” brain is now labeled “”Defective” and The “Defective” brain is now labeled “Perfect”. I also substituted the “10X Regenerative Solution” for the “2X”. Childish, I know and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

I shall be awaiting you at my parent’s home when you finish your project. I hope that is soon, so that we may get back to planning our wedding.

Love,

Katerina