…where we live with strange pets
NOTE:I don’t usually post stuff about DogCon/CatCon in between actual con trips (though, of course, these con trips are imaginary), but several things have happened, so I figured I’d give everybody a heads up.
First off, as most of you know, we lost Lucy to cancer back in August. It was a sad time, but we are doing better now. More on Lucy later. A few days after Lucy’s death, we adopted our sweet little Basset Hound girl, Daisy. She has become a beloved family member.
(Daisy: Hi there, folks!)
Next, our imaginary Nigerian Dwarf Goats, Abigail & Beatrice, have been offered a chance to come live in Critter City, Texas, as part of the Trained Goat Review, doing shows at the Rock Hard Cafe. It’s a pretty big show that plays twice daily during the heavy tourist season and three times a week during the off season. Abby & Bea have decided to take the offer, so they will be leaving us soon. We’ll miss them, but we’ll get to see them at the con every year.
(Abby: It was a hard decision, folks, but Mom has always told us to follow our dreams.)
(Bea: We’ll miss everybody here and the yearly trip on the Magic Bus, but we’ll put on a really great show in Critter City. Come see us!)
Our imaginary cat, Flash, did not take Lucy’s death well. He stopped eating, cried all the time and seldom left his apartment. The female cats stopped coming around and he got pretty surly. After awhile, he started to hit the catnip pretty hard. He really missed his big sister and partner in crime.
But then, well, the way Joe explained it to me is like this. See…
(Sasha: I’ll be taking over the explaining here, folks, since listening to Dad try to explain anything high tech is pretty painful and embarrassing.
To give you the short version, with the help of Joe, Bea and Sadie Misiaszek, I braintaped Lucy just days before she died (thus preserving a copy of her katra, or spirit if you follow human religion) and then uploaded it later into a cyborg body. I just could not stand to think of losing my sister.
Well, it all worked out reasonably well, even though it took longer than we expected to get some of the parts from Eosonia Cybernetics and Massive Dynamics. The biological parts took a couple of days longer to grow than we expected, too. Still and all, I think Bea, Sadie & I did a hell of a job considering we don’t have hands or thumbs and Callurian Arm Units are a pain in the ass to use.
And for those of you who ask “Why didn’t you just clone her?” see below.
The only tiny problem was that the polyphasic silibrain that we copied Lucy into doesn’t hold information indefinitely unless it’s in a functioning body, which means that when we hooked up her brain, she had some holes in her memory, plus a few very minor changes to her personality. Unfortunately, none of those changes seem to make her less likely to get into trouble with Flash.
Anyway, after about 3 weeks of fine tuning, we figured it was time to tell Mom, Dad, Flash & Abby about her. It was a very interesting family meeting, but Joe did a good job translating for Bea & I. Of course, I use the term “very interesting family meeting” in place of “the shit hit the fan”. Mom & Dad & Abby were speechless for about 10 seconds, then they all started talking at once, often in foreign tongues or straight out cussing.
Poor Flash, who was stoned out of his mind, just said “What?”
Then I trotted out Lulu (we all had agreed that she was no longer exactly Lucy Louise anymore) and everybody stared and then cried and stuff.
First thing Lulu did, tail wagging all the time, was walk right up to Flash and say, “You are now and have always been my friend. I am now and always will be yours.”
Yeah, I sorta reprogrammed her to be a Trekkie.
So Flash just stared at her and then he jumped up on her back and started wailing like a lost kitten and it was two days before he fell off of her, exhausted. He then slept for three days and has now been off the ‘nip for a month.
Mom told Bea and I what good girls we were and fed us a great meal.
Dad stood and looked at us, then smiled and said “That’ll do, pigs” and gave us the Vulcan salute.
You gotta love Dad! Well, except when he talks about high tech.
So Lulu is a part of the family now. She still needs a few upgrades before she can go out in public. The one red cyber eye makes her look kind of Borgy and I’m damned if I can get organics to grow on her tail. She also needs a few memories reinforced. Still, she’s in pretty good shape and we’ve got our sister back. Mostly.
And now I’ll return you to Dad.)
(Abby: You did good, girls. I’m proud of you.)
(Flash: I love you guys and Sadie and Joe!)
(Lulu: There is no way I can thank you, Winker.)
(Sasha: It’s Sasha, sis. Keep saying my name like I told you to, while thinking that you need to activate module 888-C.)
(Lulu: Ok. Sorry, sister.)
(Sasha: It’s ok, Lulu.)
…and while she doesn’t act or look exactly the way she used to, she’s pretty much our girl. Well, except for the 47% that’s machinery, but you can’t see most of that anyway. Amazingly, she does still eat food, but she doesn’t poop or pee very often. And she’s not afraid of a goddamned thing!
So there you have it, Gentle Readers. If anything of a similarly big nature happens, I’ll let you know.
And now…DOCLOPEDIA GOODNESS!
The Doclopedia #1,081
Golden States: The Magical Golden Kingdom
On a bunch of Earths, the United States of America exists in a magic filled world. In most of those worlds, California is a major player. However, on Magic Earth 12, thingsa are different.
California is a land of great wealth, happy people and powerful magic. Unfortunately, all of the kingdoms around it are populated by evil scumbags who covet the riches of the Golden Kingdom.
To the east is Nevada, home to both the Gambling Elves and the Dark Trolls. Both have attacked California several times, but failed to gain any ground. Fortunately, these two groups hate each other and will never work together.
To the southeast you’ll find Arizona, a wretched desert kingdom that is ruled with an iron claw by the Snake People. They have attacked California twice, the last time in 1980. They were beaten back and badly hurt by a Rain of Fireballs.
Immediately to the south is Mexico, home of all sorts of terrible creatures. The worst of the lot are the Aztec Mummies and the Dire Chupacabras. While not overly intelligent, these creatures are many and persistent.
Finally, to the north is Oregon, home of the Rain Dwarves and the Beaver People. They are formidable opponents who work together well. Fortunately, they cannot devote enough manpower to a full attack on California because then the Dragons of Washington would attack from the north and the Idaho Goblins would ravage the east.
We won’t even get into the odd threats from the Salt Demons of Utah, the Volcano Giants of Wyoming or the Skinwalkers of New Mexico.
All of the above are why 60% of California’s GNP goes to defense.