The Legend Of The Golden Platypus

…an action packed silly adventure

 

The Doclopedia #1,078

Golden States: The Bear Flag Empire

If you thought the Bear Flag Republic was a different sort of California, the Bear Flag Empire of California will knock your socks off.

In the current year of 2013, the Bear Flag Empire of California Is made up of what we know as California, the western 2/3 of Mexico, Arizona, Nevada, half of New Mexico, the western third of Utah, Oregon, Washington, Alaska, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, the Phillipines, Cuba, All of Central America, Chile, many dozens of Pacific Islands including New Zealand, all of Ireland, a big chunk of equatorial Africa and the whole damned Moon. Mars is less than 3 years away from having the Bear Flag planted on it. Several financially unstable European countries have petitioned to join the Empire, including Portugal, Spain, Greece and Italy. Close allies to the BFE are Canada, Australia, India and Japan.

The BFE is the largest economy in the world and could buy and sell Great Britain, The United States and China a few times over. There are 5 billion humans on Earth and about a third of them are citizens of the Empire. They are fiercely loyal to the Empress, Jasmine I and to the Empire itself.

In the BFE, citizens have enormous freedom and, by and large, an excellent standard of living. Voting is mandatory, taxes are low and, of course, the Empire owns 75% of everything. That doesn’t mean they take 75% of your hard earned money (unless you are a multi-billionaire), just that nobody really owns control of their business, home, farm, etc. Most of the time, you’d never know this, but if somebody breaks the law or otherwise fucks up, the government will step in and take control of things.

Racism, sexism, homophobia or any other form of discrimination are not only illegal, they carry a mandatory 10 years in prison, no parole allowed, plus hefty fines. You can TALK about such things (though very few do) but you can’t do them. Violent crimes of any sort carry the death penalty, which gets carried out after two fast moving appeals. If you win your appeal, you get life in prison. Empire prisons were formerly in Antarctica, but are now underground on the moon.

Major exports from the BFE are fusion power plants, foods of all sorts, motion pictures, music, electric cars, high tech of all sorts and solar cells.

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The Rare And Beautiful Singing Mouse Hippo Of Potawango Island

…they get together for 4 part harmonies

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,077

Golden States: The Bear Flag Republic

The great state of California exists on many versions of Earth, but it’s not always the California we know. In some universes, California is a country, as we’ll see in the next few entries.

On Earth 42-E, California became the Bear Flag Republic in 1830. This happened when, in 1828, gold was discovered in several different places by both poor Mexicans and poor white guys from the United States. All of them wanted to keep things secret until they could establish claims, but they managed to find out about each other pretty early on. They didn’t much like each other, but fortunately they had two men among them who were more willing to negotiate and much smarter than the average poor Joe.

On the Mexican side, there was Alberto Loveless, a half Mexican, half English genius who had fallen upon hard times. He was university educated and wanted his fellow miners to get a fair shake. He also wanted to get some revenge on the Mexican Government. And yes, he wouldn’t mind a bit of wealth and power.

On the other side, the Anglos decided that they’d be represented by Samson York, a young fellow from Boston who was smart, shrewd and looking to make a name for himself. Of course, wealth and power would be nice, too.

Putting their heads together, Loveless and York had the miners “mine like hell”, stashing the gold away in a well guarded location high in the sierra Nevada mountains. At the same time, they took turns going to other countries (including the US & Mexico) and arranging loans of everything from money to guns to manpower. This was surprisingly easy to do when you had 5-6 pounds of gold nuggets to show off.

Eventually, allied with at least 9 countries, 11 banks and an untold number of plain old greedy bastards, they set about the last phase of their plan: recruiting people to come live in a new country. Considering how badly poor folks are treated in most places, they had an easy time of it. They also got many native peoples on their side.

When the war broke out, Mexico lost quickly, mostly due to it still being in recovery after the War of Independence it had fought not too many years earlier. Not being stupid, York & Loveless quickly signed a mutually beneficial pact with Mexico, just to show no hard feelings.

As soon as the war ended, people started to flood into the Bear Flag Republic. LOTS of people, including runaway slaves from the US and Chinese that the new country had brought over by the boatload. In just a couple of years, the population reached a million people. The Constitution gave the ruling Council of Five great power, but also gave the people all kinds of freedom. Things were looking good.

Then, in 1832, York, Loveless and their cronies announced that the BFR was just full of gold. In a year, the population doubled. Many people got very wealthy and many others got to settle down in a nice new country that pretty much didn’t care what you looked like as long as you paid your taxes.

By the time the USA started getting up in the BFR’s face, the genius of Doctor Alberto Loveless had produced several amazing weapons that could easily hold off any aggression. The USA had to swallow the bitter pill that what in our world would be California, half each of Nevada & Arizona and a good chunk of Oregon was indeed a new independent country.

Now (current year 1980) the Bear Flag Republic is the third richest nation on Earth and a leader in most things. Except gold production. That pretty much dried up by 1890.

How To Talk To Your Cat About Drugs

…don’t bother, because cats don’t need drugs

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,076

Tiny Folk: Khara Sandflyer

In the desert southwest of the United States, where Little Folk enclaves are mostly found in or near human settlements, there are a few hearty tribes that prefer to live out in the arid regions. One of these is the Five Lizards Tribe and they are the home tribe of Khara Sandflyer, one of the most daring of all Little Folk.

Always an adventurous child possessed of a creative mind, Khara cobbled together an old human child’s toy, a piece of cloth, some twine and a few old tongue depressors into what she calls a sandflyer. The result looks like a surfboard with four big wheels, a sail and bunch of ropes. With a decent breeze, the sandflyer can reach speeds of 15 miles an hour, which most Tiny Folk think is an insane speed for such an obvious deathtrap. With a good desert wind, Khara can hit 40 miles an hour. Most of her tribe think she is suicidal.

Khara loves racing across the desert on her sandflyer and has recently started doing tricks with it, such as jumps, spins and even grinds along rocks. Of course, she often gets so caught up in her exploits that she ends up many miles from home. Fortunately, she has excellent survival skills. Recently, she has been thinking of heading west on her sandflyer. She’d like to see the ocean.

Khara is 19 years old and is short for a Tiny Person, standing only 5 inches tall. She has brown hair, very tanned skin and is quite thin. Her mother despairs of Khara ever finding a husband.

The Deal With The Turks Went Better Than Expected

…nobody got shot and we all went out for drinks.

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,075

Tiny Folk: Livanto Builder

In a long abandoned Underground station beneath London, the Queen’s Own Nation of the Tiny Folk have built a huge (by their standards) town. Since the station measures more than 40 meters long by 22 meters wide by 10 meters high (not counting nearly 120 meters of tunnel that they haven’t built into yet) and is built from floor to ceiling in many spots, it can hold a couple thousand Tiny Folk.

The Head of Construction in this marvelous underground world is Livanto Builder, a master of both the planning and execution of building projects. At any given time, upwards of 200 people work for him. On really big projects, like the Northside Greenhouse, he will employ a hundred more.

Livanto has been in charge of building housing blocks, schools, a hospital and the newly rebuilt lighting system. His crack staff includes Master Scroungers, Architects, assorted skilled craftsmen and even a couple of Tiny Folk/Human liaisons. These last have been very important in helping to get some of the more difficult building materials.

Recently, Livanto has been involved in talks with the Town Council about expanding out into the sealed off tunnels. He has plans for a park and a second hospital, along with newer and larger apartment blocks. He’s even got plans to install a big screen television for use as a movie theater.

Livanto is 50 years old and married. He has three sons, all of whom work in construction. In his spare time, Livanto likes watching American western movies and cricket matches.

The 33 Things You Probably Should Never Eat

…#8: Barium Biscuits

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,074

Tiny Folk: Sandri Dogfriend

All Tiny Folk can, to some degree, speak with animals. Not all animals, but usually mammals and birds. A few can speak very well to one or two species in particular. Very rarely, you’ll find one who can speak perfectly well with one species. Sandri Dogfriend is one of those rare people.

Born and raised in Los Angeles as part of the Venice Beach Clan, Sandri has been able to speak fluent Canine (yes, she can also converse with wolves, coyotes and foxes) since she was 3 years old. She is well known and loved among the Canine population of the Los Angeles area. She can often be seen (assuming you are allowed to see her) riding around on one dog or another, often many miles from Venice Beach.

Sandri helps the dogs stay out of trouble and the dogs not only protect any Tiny Folk they meet, but help bring the various Clans items they can use. If you are in L.A. and see a dog carrying a ball of twine or a toy or small bits of wood, they are probably headed for a Tiny Folk village.

Recently, Sandri has taken to traveling around with a Pitbull named Clarence and a couple of border terriers named Mazey and Lacey. They are helping the North Hollywood Clan build a new tunnel city in the hills nearby. Having a couple of terriers to do your excavation is a great thing. Having a Pitbull to stand guard is also very nice.

Sandri is 5.75 inches tall and 21 years old. She has red hair and blue eyes and often dresses in outfits sewn from cast off bandanas. She is not married, preferring to have a few boyfriends.

Eyeball Creatures Are In Your Closet

…DON’T OPEN THAT DOOR!

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,073

Tiny Folk: Duuvi Boater

In the Land of 1,000 Lakes, even the Tiny Folk get around by boat much of the time. The most skilled waterman of all is Duuvi Boater, a member of the Moose Hill Clan.

Duuvi and his siblings, children and friends have built nearly three dozen watercraft of various types, ranging from barges to canoes to sailboats. They haul both freight and passengers on the Four Round Lakes, the largest of which is nearly two miles across. The safety record of Duuvi’s operation is impressive, even in the treacherous late fall and early spring months.

You might think that the boating business would stop when the lakes freeze over in winter, but you’d be wrong. Duuvi and his eldest daughter, Jeji, figured out how to put metal runners on some of the sailboats and can now race them across the ice at great speed. This means that winter deliveries of goods are even faster than in the summer.

Duuvi stands 5.5 inches tall and has weathered brown skin. He is 55 years old and married to Luuza Baker. They have 5 children, all of whom are in the boating business.

The Book Of Misinformation

…all the bullshit in one place!

 

The Doclopedia #1,072

Tiny Folk: Gwilla Sharpaxe

In the area that humans call Death Valley, the Tiny Folk of the Red Hand Clan live a hard life. Besides the great heat and the scarcity of water, they must constantly battle scorpions, ants, snakes and other creatures that try to invade their tunnel homes.

The greatest warrior of the Red Hand Clan is Gwilla Sharpaxe. She stands a whopping 7 inches tall and wields a razor sharp axe made of stainless steel. Her armor is also made of stainless steel, as is her shield. This has earned her the nickname “Shining Death”.

Gwilla has killed more scorpions than anyone else in the clan and has the heads of five rattlesnakes mounted around her front door. Rumor has it that she even fought off a wild pig once. As you might imagine, Gwilla is given great respect by her clan.

Gwilla is 30 years old and married to Yanda Maker, the greatest inventor of Red Hand Clan history. They have two children.