The Fattest Mouse Gets Eaten First

…and other proverbs

The Doclopedia #1,101

The Alphabet: K is for…

Kangaroo Uprising

 

…that’s what it was, mate! The bloody Kangs rose up against the Koalas and Wombats, trying to take control of Australia. It was a damned close thing at first, what with the Cockatoos and Wallabys on their side and us with only the Platypuses and Kookaburras. Two years it went on, and many died on both sides before we got the Emus, Dingoes and Birds of Prey on our side.

After that, it weren’t long before the Kangs gave up and things got sorted out by the politicians. Now, three generations on, we’re all right, mate. Of course, the humans all got wiped out, but there never were many of those blokes anyway.

K’vek

…was an alien of the K’or Dishi race who had the unfortunate luck of straying too near Fantasy Earth 43, where magic prevented any technology greater than the simplest clockwork mechanisms. His small spacecraft shut down and he was barely able to guide it into a crash landing in a large alpine lake.

Escaping with his life and nothing more, K’vek started exploring this strange world. Since he looked somewhat like a large flightless bird with arms instead of wings, he stayed hidden from the dominant sentient races. Fortunately, he could eat this planet’s animals and plants, so starvation was not a worry.

Eventually, K’vek was found by a young mage who had detected an “otherworldly presence” using a spell of detection. After some tense moments, they were able to converse and learned much about each other. The mage, one Terulin by name, invited the alien to come stay at his home, an invitation K’vek was happy to accept.

Over the years, the two became close friends and Terulin explained K’vek to the outside world as “a rather successful experiment in polymorphing”. Using K’vek’s advanced abilities at mentally computing probabilities and chemistry, they sent parties of adventurers out on many successful missions, making all involved quite wealthy.

K’vek died peacefully in his sleep at the age of 187. Terulin, only a few months from death himself, used his wizardly skills to create statues of himself and his old friend. These huge crystal statues still stand unchanged amidst the ancient ruins of Castle Terulin.

Chapter 457: In Which Our Hero, Armed Only With A Sharp Stick And A Bottle Of Port, Uses A Clever Disguise To Defeat A French Patrol

…oh, those easily confused Frenchies!

 

LOOK! Right down there! TWO Doclopedia entries! I’M BAAAACK!

 

The Doclopedia #1,099

The Alphabet: I is for…

Ig The Pig

…was the nickname given to Ignacio Perez, a young mutant who lived in Ciudad Juarez. His mutation made him look quite piggish, but it also made him very tough and an excellent problem solver. Life in his neighborhood was not easy for most mutants. There was teasing and beatings and the well known oppression of the Catholic Church to deal with. Ig survived all of it and helped other mutants when he could.

Eventually, his problem solving skills, toughness and compassion for the less fortunate lead him to become a private eye. He was quite successful and eventually hired other mutants with useful abilities. Naturally, the police and organized crime (pretty much one and the same) came to hate and fear him. Several attempts were made on his life, with the explosion of his office building finally killing him. Well, everyone assumes he is dead. Very few body parts were found, since the explosion was powerful and the resulting fire was very intense.

But just a few months later, cops and mobsters started turning up dead. Most looked like they had been scared to death. A few had committed suicide. There were never any witnesses. A small plastic pig was found on each body. Soon, rumors of “The Ghost Pig” began to circulate.

Crime in Ciudad Juarez is now at an all time low. The killings continue.

Invisible Armor

…is what you want, daughters. It’s tough as troll hide, much lighter than plate mail and nobody but you can see it! The look on some big dumb barbarians face when his sword bounces off your apparently bikini clad body is priceless. Oh my, I remember the time we fought those Red Forest raiders…you recall that, don’t you, Kaareen?…and they came at us with lust in their eyes and only light clubs in their hands. They thought to beat us down and have their way with us. Oh, what a surprise they got! Later, as they pulled our wagon the 100 miles to Ekarris, we laughed and laughed.

Now, you won’t have an easy time getting such armor, but if you’re willing to kill a few trolls, gather up some red Ice Moss from atop Deathspire Peak, then look up the wizard Gabriella in her castle deep in the Western Wastes, you can have a full suit of it in a few months. It shouldn’t cost more than a few thousand gold rounds.

Believe me, it will be the best money you’ve ever spent.

The Doclopedia #1,100

The Alphabet: J is for…

Jewels Of The Night
…are not, as one might think, actual gems. They are instead a group of young female thieves who operate out of Madrid, Spain, and have been the source of two of Sherlock Holmes more colorful cases. Unfortunately, as per my friend’s wishes, I cannot yet recount the tale of the Sleeping Countess or that of the Barnwell Ghost. I can, however, give a brief description of the Jewels Of The Night.

They are comprised of anywhere from 9 to 15 young ladies, many from old and respected families, who have fallen under the sway of that Mistress of Crime, Andromeda Andropolis. She and her cohorts have fashioned these girls into a company of thieves of the highest skill.

They target only the most valuable and supposedly theft proof items, often stealing them when many people are about. The police are left dumbfounded, something that my friend notes is not a noteworthy accomplishment. Few clues are left behind, although in the two cases mentioned above, they did leave notes for Holmes. While he finds the Jewels Of The Night to be excellent foes, he has vowed to bring them to justice sooner or later.

Junkmaster

…runs Junktown, don’t he? Not a bad bloke, if ya stay on his good side. If ya cross him, well, it don’t go well at all, ya know?

So, when ya get to Junktown, ya goes straight on up the hill to see him. He takes a look at what junk ya brought, then he offers ya a fair price. Sometimes, if ya got something he really likes, he’ll offer ya a lot more. That happened with me an’ Reg a few months back when we brought in a bit of some old computer stuff. Junkmaster looked at it and told us he’d give fifty silvers. Fifty! We thanked him an’ took it, we did. Helped our village out right sweet, it did.

Junkmaster is a big bloke, maybe seven feet tall. Dark skinned, maybe half blackfella. Looks like he might be about 40. He’s got muscles an’ is right dangerous in a scrap. Most of the time, he’s smilin’ an’ friendly. If he ain’t smilin’, ya might want to come back another day.

Happy Pigs & Dancing Goats

…admit it, you’re smiling now.

 

The Doclopedia #1,098

The Alphabet: H is for…

Handy Tool

…is the Miracle Tool of Our Time! Created right here in the United States of America by the World Renowned Scientist, Professor Joseph Finkler, Handy Tool will replace all of the following tools in Your Toolbox: Hammer! Pliers! Steam Pressure Gauge! Screwdriver! Flashlight! Magnifying Glass! Ratchet! Pipe Wrench! Automaton Setting Adjuster!

Handy Toll is being used Now by Top Gadgeteers and Scientists all around the World. The Serious Inventor will want this miracle of Modern Creativity! Handy Tool can be yours for only $10.00!

Higgs Boatswain

…is NOT my name, you peckerhead! I’m Senior Chief Petty Officer Gilbert Higgs and yes, I’m a Boatswain’s Mate and have been one for 23 years now. Let me tell you, I’m all for science, but I wish they’d given that particle a different damned name. I’ve heard all the jokes, including the one where I should become a priest so I can give Mass.

Now get the fuck off my ship!

The Rare And Beautiful Red Nippled Tree Dogs Of Potawango Island

…they climb trees to catch tree chickens

 

The Doclopedia #1,096

The Alphabet: F is for…

Fog Monsters

…are a magical beast that likes to hunt humans and humanoids for food. These creatures are not actually made of fog, but can create it magically so as to hide their presence. The fact that Fog Monsters range in color from white to medium gray only serves to hide them better. Many a traveler, camped out on a foggy evening, has fallen prey to one or more of these fast moving and silent brutes.

There are three types of Fog Monster that we know of. The humanoid type is roughly 7 feet tall and man shaped. The feline type have the form of a large cat, not unlike a tiger. The form is that of a very large bird, perhaps owlish or maybe eagle like. All of these Fog Monsters are fast and make almost no sound, Few who encounter them live to give a description.


Fwiz

…is the new drink that everybody is gulping down! Fwiz is what the cool young Martians take with them to the the Goodarin Sea, the slopes of Mount Heek or anywhere they meet up for adolescent mating rituals! Fwiz contains essential moisture and many needed minerals, but it also tastes great! Purchase Fwiz and you will enjoy it!

The Doclopedia #1,096

The Alphabet: F is for…

Game Of The Week

…is a very popular program on several networks worldwide. It features top ranked roleplayers sending their characters into adventures created by the world’s best gamemasters. Each episode runs three hours long and is shown in split screen so viewers can watch both the real world table and the computer generated adventures of the characters. Big cash prizes are awarded based upon experience points gained and how much of the adventure was completed. In the second half of the season, groups square off against one another in a megadungeon.

This program draws very good ratings year after year and the world championship games (shown over 5 consecutive nights) often tops the ratings. The show has been on for 35 years and is sponsored mostly by snack food companies.

Ghastly Ben

…is a children’s show in the New British Empire. It features a REALLY naughty little boy named Ben and the very nice children who stop him from doing things that might tarnish the image of the Empire or upset the course of daily life. For example, in episode #678, Ghastly Ben tried to sabotage a cricket match. In episode #900, he was trying to sell military secrets to the United States of North & South America. In episode #1,396, he knocked a great big hole into the wall between England and Scotland.

Ben is always stopped before he causes too much trouble, but each episode ends with him saying he’ll be back soon.

The Totally New Yearsy, But Not Even A Little Hungover, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Itsy Bitsy Spaceship

…co-starring her old pal, Really Red Rachel

The Doclopedia #1,095

Alt. Television: The X Files

In our world, The X Files premiered in September of 1993, ran for 9 years, had a complex & rather confusing alien conspiracy mythology and was a very popular and successful show on the Fox Network. It was heavily inspired by Kolchak: The Night Stalker.

In another reality, the series was a direct (though two decades later) spinoff from Kolchak, ran for 10 years, had an entirely different background mythology, premiered in September of 1996 and was even more popular & successful.

All of the same regular actors appeared in the same roles, but The Smoking Man was played by William B. Davis only through the first five seasons, after which he was played by a series of younger actors. Davis returned for the final 5 episodes of the series. Smoking Man was a dangerous wild card who, on any given episode, might be helping the cultists, the aliens, the Illuminati. He would help Mulder & Scully if it served his purposes.

Darren McGavin, who played Carl Kolchak, guest starred in a total of seven episodes during the first four years of the series.

The Lone Gunmen were a part of the series right from the start and were part comic relief, part expert help.

The mythology of the series, which made up about a third of the 320 episodes, was less about alien invasion (although that was part of it) and more about the attempts of a worldwide cult to return the Elder Gods to Earth. Failed attempts by the cultists were used to explain the fact that certain supernatural creatures were on our world. The aliens both aided and opposed the cultists. It was alien technology, mostly of a biological nature, that was used to explain some of the mutants that appeared throughout the series.

Among the different episodes that we never got to see in our reality were ones about dragons (“Wyrm”), a rakshasa (“The Kolchak Hunter”), intelligent apes (“Neosimian”) and a real superhero (“The Night Girl”). As it is in our world, the hands down creepiest X Files episode was “Home”.

Eugene Tooms, the mutant who could squeeze through tight spaces, appeared in four episodes before he died in Season 7.

The final five episodes wrapped up the mythology by having the aliens, who were now cut off from their home world, helping Mulder, Scully and Smoking Man defeat the cultists ultimate attempt to summon the Elder Gods. Most of the aliens, Smoking Man, a few mutants and a Mulder clone (from the 7th season episode “Redlum”) die. The last scene showed Mulder and Scully from behind, walking down a country road, talking about how they were getting too old for this crap.


Three motion pictures were made after the series ended. All of them did well at the box office.