Mr. Porkwaffle Joins The Circus

…as a knife thrower.  Hilarity ensued.

 

The Doclopedia #1,122

Creature Features: It Came From Kansas!

1959, OK Studios

Starring: Rick Munson, David Hall, Annie Early, Rhonda Patterson, Kevin Early, Joe Laswell

Running Time: 102 minutes

Low budget sci-fi movie set in a small town in north central Oklahoma. Road construction in southern Kansas accidentally releases a 10 foot tall lizard man from his eons long sleep and he heads south to terrorize teenagers and, eventually, the entire town. Rick Munson was a former teen idol who thought this film would restart his careen. He was wrong. It did, however, start the career of 12 year old Kevin early, who went on to do many movies over a 40 year career.

The acting is not bad for a film of this nature, with particularly good performances by first timer Early and his older sister. The special effects are good and it is rumored that the lizard man suit alone used up a third of the budget.

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,123

Creature Features: Googora Versus Mousra

In 20012, two 16 year old high school students from Chicago decided to make a Japanese style kaiju movie using only their cell phone cameras, computers and cheap off the shelf software. They recruited friends and family, three pet mice and “several jars of grape jelly” as motion capture subjects, then made a quite good animated movie.

Done mostly in a style similar to Japanese animes like Cowboy Bebop, the film runs 74 minutes and features a slime monster battling the giant “dinosaur mouse”, Mousra. The acting by the humans is pretty good and the overall quality of the movie is excellent. After being shown at several geek conventions and film festivals, it was bought by Big Studio Films and the young directors were hired to expand it to two hours. It went on to make $300 million worldwide and spawn two sequels.

The 87 Things That You Need To Know About Crocodiles

…#6: Never pull their tail

 

The Doclopedia #1,121

Creature Features: The Son In Law Of Frankenstein

Made in 1967 for less than fifty thousand dollars, “The Son In Law of Frankenstein” was written, produced, directed and starred legendary budget movie maker SamRay Wood in the title role. Other money saving casting came in the form of Nancy Olden, Wood’s then wife, as his film wife, Greta Frankenstein, and several friends in other roles. The monster, who only appears in the last 15 minutes of the 90 minute film, was played by a UCLA football player who remains anonymous to this day.

The plot finds earnest young American scientist Sam Brown traveling to Europe where he meets Greta Frankenstein, youngest child of Wolf Frankenstein, from the movie “Son of Frankenstein”. They fall in love, he finds the notes of her father & grandfather and the rest is totally predictable.

The entire movie took 21 days to shoot and, as with other Wood films, used sets that were made up of stuff scrounged from places like old movie sets, thrift stores and the local dump. The lighting is often poor, as is the sound. The acting ranges from poor to terrible and the monster makeup probably cost less than $30.

The film opened in drive ins across the country on June 17th, 1968 and made all of it’s money back in the first three weeks. Unfortunately, it was pulled from theaters after being out a month because of a lawsuit over using the name Wolf Frankenstein. It took two months for Wood to straighten things out by re-dubbing the name “Wolf” to “Walter”, at which point he re-released it to far fewer theaters, but still ended up with profits over thirty thousand dollars. Three years later, he sold the television rights for another fifteen thousand.

Today, “The Son In Law of Frankenstein” is a favorite of bad movie fans and often highlights trash movie festivals.

Not In This Issue: Cheeseburgers, Skateboards Or Vikings

…maybe next month

 

The Doclopedia #1,120

A Child’s Book Of…: Survival

From the introduction…

Listen up, kid! This book will help you survive out in the world. It’s going to be tough, but if you learn the things in this book, you’ll be able to live and grow up.

You’ve probably been given this book by a nursebot or maybe an older kid. It means that you are 9 or 10 years old and have to leave the dome you’ve been living in and go out into the world. You might be afraid, but you have to do it. The domes were designed to hold only about 300 humans and you need to make room for new babies. Besides, if you can find a safe place to live, you can grow up to kill the crazies and the monsters. Kill enough of them and you’ll make the world a whole lot safer.

You need to remember a few things besides the stuff this book will teach you. Here they are.

1: You’ll leave the dome with a bunch of other kids through one of the 7 tunnels. Once you leave the tunnel, NEVER come back to the dome and STAY IN A GROUP. You will die if you try to go it alone out there.

2: For the first two days, run as fast as you can for as long as you can, stop to rest and eat your food bars, then run some more. By the time you are two days out, there will be fewer crazies or monsters. They like to stay near the domes.

3: DO NOT build a fire until your third night out and ONLY if you are in a pretty safe and sheltered place. Monsters and crazies see fire and know humans are around.

4: DO NOT TRUST ANY ADULTS! Most adults outside are crazies and many that aren’t are bad people. You can only trust adults that live in walled villages, but villages are hard to find.

5: DO NOT eat any plant not listed on your edible plants list.

6: DO NOT trust and robots you might meet. There are very few of them left, but they are all insane killers.

7: STAY OFF THE ROADS!

8: NEVER lose your weapons and take every chance you get to make/find new ones.

9: STAY AWAY FROM THE RUINED CITIES AND TOWN!

10: If you meet up with any dogs, trust them. They will probably help you find a safe place to start a village.

Belly Up And Half Wasted On A Beach In Oregon

…that never happened. No, really.

Hey, Doclopedia fans, I’m getting together the 10-15 themes I’m going to put in the first Doclopedia ebook and I’d like to know which ones you liked. If you get a chance, cruise through the over 1,100 entries and give me your theme picks. Pretty sure that “Those Furry Little Bastards” and at least one Dog/Cat theme is a done deal. May save all of the “The Rise Of…” entries for a second ebook.

I’ll be revising most entries I use, at least a bit, so if you have suggestions for improvement or expansion, tell me.

Also, I’m going to need to do at least 50 new, ebook only, entries (maybe 7-9 themes), so I’ll post a list here soon that y’all can vote on.

Thanks!

The Rare And Beautiful Squealing Lizards Of Potawango Island

…they drop out of trees onto your head

The Doclopedia #1,119

A Child’s Book Of…: Aliens

A few excerpts:

BALROGIANS are named after the Balrog from “Lord of the Rings, but they are not evil at all. Standing 15 feet tall, the Balrogians are sometimes referred to as the “Gardeners of the Galaxy” because they are masters of tending plant life.

Balrogians come from the Fentarus system, which is 350 light years from earth. They have muscular bodies, red and black skin, no hair and big horns. They can only speak to other sapients using a Universal Translator because they normally communicate in the subsonic range.

There are 320 Balrogians living on Earth. Most of them are studying Terran Botany.

GOOOODAKDAKDAKS come from the two largest gas giants orbiting Morax Alpha. They somewhat resemble Terran jellyfish, but are much larger. The biggest among them are 15 meters across and 45 meters long.

The Goooodakdakdaks have little in the way of advanced technology, but are masters of mathematics, philosophy, organic chemistry (which they can do within themselves) and a type of art called “gas sculpture”.

Only a very few Goooodakdakdaks have ever left their home system. To do this requires enormous and expensive ships and at least 7 Goooodakdakdaks to travel together. Currently, they are looking into colonizing gas giants in other systems.

NOATIANS are native to the planet Hargivar, which is currently experiencing an ice age. The primitive Noatians live near the edge of the great ice sheets and are hunter gatherers who do a bit of farming (mostly tubers) during the short spring and summer.

Noatians look remarkably human and are 87% genetically compatible with Terran humans. It is believed that they might be descended from humans taken from Earth by the First Races.

Crazy Dogs, Criminal Cats, Dancing Goats And Befuddled Humans

…on the Magic Bus

 

The Doclopedia #1,118

A Child’s Book Of…: Necromancy

From the introduction: “Hello, child! If you have found this book, it means that you are VERY SPECIAL. Do you know what makes you special? Why, it’s your ability to do MAGIC! You are not like other people, oh no. You are MUCH BETTER than they are!

This book was especially written for somebody like you. If you study it, you will learn how to do some VERY SPECIAL things, like bring dead pets and friends back to life or make bad people die and become your ZOMBIE SLAVES. Wouldn’t that be fun?

This book will teach you how to do many interesting spells. You’ll learn RITUALS, POTION MAKING and ENCHANTMENT. This will let you do things that your friends and family will think are AMAZING. By the time you have studied the first twelve chapters, you will be a POWERFUL NECROMANCER.

The thirteenth chapter is called THE RITUAL OF RECALLING A LICH and you will use it to recall me, Dranill Woxinon, from a terrible place called the OUTER DARKNESS. After that, we will be the best of FRIENDS! Won’t that be nice?

Now, you must remember to hide this book from your family and friends. They would become jealous of you and try to take it away. Hide the book well, and soon we will start teaching you your first spell, ANIMATE SKELETON.”

Doomraiders Of The Purple Planet!

…a new Republic serial

The Doclopedia #1,117

A Child’s Book Of…: SCIENCE!

This wonderful book will introduce boys and girls age 6 and up to the wonders of our Modern Age. Newly revised for 1910, it now covers the great inventions powered by steam, internal combustion, electricity, chemistry and the newly discovered etheric energy of the cosmos. Children will learn about airships, automatons, computing engines and a host of other discoveries. The text is written in such a way as to appeal to both children and adults. Many line drawings and photographs are included, as are schematics for building simple devices. A new section on discoveries in biology will allow children to understand the wonders of nature and how Man has improved on some of them. 250 pages. Price: $1.10

Teaching Betty To Bop

…wop a loo bop!

 

The Doclopedia #1,114

The Alphabet: X is for…

Xorolxee…

…is an earth-like planet located 300 light years from Earth. It orbits a yellow star slightly (2% larger) than our own and is the fourth planet in a system of 10. Like Earth, it has a large moon and plenty of water (65% of the planetary surface). Xorolxee is about 10% larger than Earth.

Xorolxee is a warmer world than ours and teams with life of all sorts. The 4 large continents each have very distinct species that inhabit everything from polar icecaps to steaming jungles to enormous deserts. It is a mystery to scientists that most of the land based lifeforms on Xorolxee are smaller than a small cow. There are no land based lifeforms larger than a water buffalo. The oceans are another matter, because there you will find several lifeforms that could swallow a blue whale in one gulp.

Xorolxee has no sentient lifeforms. There are some indications that civilization existed once, but these await further exploration to prove that.

The Doclopedia #1,115

The Alphabet: Y is for…

Yark…

…or, as the gnomes refer to him, Yark the Most Dangerous. This is a fitting name for the most accident prone gnome inventor of all time. In his short 40 year life, Yark was responsible for the destruction of a gnomish town (mechanical wheat harvester malfunctioned), a war (clockwork soldiers went berserk), a volcanic eruption (mechanical “mole” could not be controlled) and the sinking of an entire island (sonic ditch digger overloaded). Those are just a few of his many screw ups.

Yark was finally killed by one of his inventions (a magical powered mechanical fruit picker) on a summer day in 1409. Gnomes and other intelligent races celebrated his demise.

 

The Doclopedia #1,116

The Alphabet: Z is for…

Zally Z. Zmith…

…chose to spell her name that way just to be different. When she turned 18, she had it legally changed to that spelling. She then went on to live a pretty bohemian lifestyle for the next 22 years.

On her 40th birthday, the alien Zigzz invaded earth. They made Zally their Queen because she was the only human with a proper sounding name.

 

Zally was a benevolent and beloved Queen of All Earth for the next 65 years.

Don’t Be A Duck!

…wait, what?

 

(Note: This is my first Doclopedia entry for a famous living person. Thank goodness for satire laws. Please don’t kill me, Wil.)

The Doclopedia #1,113

The Alphabet: W is for…

Wil Wheaton…

…in our universe, is an actor, writer and champion of all things geeky. His motto, well known to his millions of followers on social media, is “Don’t be a dick”.

But in other realities, Will Wheaton is quite a different guy.

There are three dimensions where Wil Wheaton is a super powered fighter for good and justice. One of these versions was given a “super soldier” treatment during WWII. Another was bitten by a radioactive spider. The third is actually an alien from a long dead world.

In no less than 5 magic based realities, Wil is a dungeon delving adventurer. Two of these are sword swinging barbarians, two are crafty thieves and the fifth is a wizard of moderate power who carries a crossbow because “sometimes you run out of mana and monsters are total dicks”.

There are realities where Mr. Wheaton is a starship crewman or even the captain of the vessel. In one of these, he has pointy ears and is highly logical. In another, he has a lumpy forehead and loves to drink prune juice, which he calls “a warriors drink”. Maybe warriors have trouble with regularity.

There is a world where Wil is a zombie, but a smart one who still likes geek culture. Once you get past the way he smells and tries to eat your brain, he’s a darned nice guy.

On CatEarth, Wil Wheaton is a shorthaired tabby cat who in all other respects is just like our Wil, except he sheds and brews his own fermented milk instead of beer.

Finally, there are 14 realities where Wil Wheaton is, in fact, a dick. These range from him just being a snotty young actor to one where he is a rampaging robot to a couple of dimensions where he rules the world with an iron fist. There are rumors of a reality where he is a 300 foot tall kaiju, but nobody has ever come back from there to prove it. 

The Totally Goofy, Yet Still Very Romantic, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Tweenage Superhero

…co-starring her pet duck, Malcom

 

The Doclopedia #1,112

The Alphabet: V is for…

 

Vien Vong

 

…is a town on the western shore of Lake Vong, the fourth largest lake in the Nimyang Empire. Indeed, “vien” means “place by” in the Nimyac language. It is an important stopover for both travelers on the Haon River, which both feeds and drains the lake, and those who travel overland from Nimkoro (the imperial capital) to cities in the east.

The population of Vien Vong is roughly 25,000, but it fluctuates depending upon the season, various festivals and the odd flooding of the Haon River. About half of the residents are ethnic Nimyang, with most of the rest being Dhange and Hootevi, who were the main people conqured by the Nimyang 300 years ago.

Besides being a busy port town, Vien Vong is the hub of both the spice trade and salt mining in the nearby Cha’a Hills. Tons of both substances move through Vien Vong every year. Trade in the skins of the great dragonsnakes is also economically important.

Vien Vong has a secret from the Nimyang: it is the center of the Dark Raiders, a group that has been opposing the empire for almost 200 years. Secret training schools teach young men & women of Dhange and Hootevi blood the skills they need to be assassins, thieves and spies. If the Nimyang ever found this out, they would wipe Vien Vong off the map.