Mr. Porkwaffle Joins The Circus

…as a knife thrower.  Hilarity ensued.

 

The Doclopedia #1,122

Creature Features: It Came From Kansas!

1959, OK Studios

Starring: Rick Munson, David Hall, Annie Early, Rhonda Patterson, Kevin Early, Joe Laswell

Running Time: 102 minutes

Low budget sci-fi movie set in a small town in north central Oklahoma. Road construction in southern Kansas accidentally releases a 10 foot tall lizard man from his eons long sleep and he heads south to terrorize teenagers and, eventually, the entire town. Rick Munson was a former teen idol who thought this film would restart his careen. He was wrong. It did, however, start the career of 12 year old Kevin early, who went on to do many movies over a 40 year career.

The acting is not bad for a film of this nature, with particularly good performances by first timer Early and his older sister. The special effects are good and it is rumored that the lizard man suit alone used up a third of the budget.

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,123

Creature Features: Googora Versus Mousra

In 20012, two 16 year old high school students from Chicago decided to make a Japanese style kaiju movie using only their cell phone cameras, computers and cheap off the shelf software. They recruited friends and family, three pet mice and “several jars of grape jelly” as motion capture subjects, then made a quite good animated movie.

Done mostly in a style similar to Japanese animes like Cowboy Bebop, the film runs 74 minutes and features a slime monster battling the giant “dinosaur mouse”, Mousra. The acting by the humans is pretty good and the overall quality of the movie is excellent. After being shown at several geek conventions and film festivals, it was bought by Big Studio Films and the young directors were hired to expand it to two hours. It went on to make $300 million worldwide and spawn two sequels.

The 87 Things That You Need To Know About Crocodiles

…#6: Never pull their tail

 

The Doclopedia #1,121

Creature Features: The Son In Law Of Frankenstein

Made in 1967 for less than fifty thousand dollars, “The Son In Law of Frankenstein” was written, produced, directed and starred legendary budget movie maker SamRay Wood in the title role. Other money saving casting came in the form of Nancy Olden, Wood’s then wife, as his film wife, Greta Frankenstein, and several friends in other roles. The monster, who only appears in the last 15 minutes of the 90 minute film, was played by a UCLA football player who remains anonymous to this day.

The plot finds earnest young American scientist Sam Brown traveling to Europe where he meets Greta Frankenstein, youngest child of Wolf Frankenstein, from the movie “Son of Frankenstein”. They fall in love, he finds the notes of her father & grandfather and the rest is totally predictable.

The entire movie took 21 days to shoot and, as with other Wood films, used sets that were made up of stuff scrounged from places like old movie sets, thrift stores and the local dump. The lighting is often poor, as is the sound. The acting ranges from poor to terrible and the monster makeup probably cost less than $30.

The film opened in drive ins across the country on June 17th, 1968 and made all of it’s money back in the first three weeks. Unfortunately, it was pulled from theaters after being out a month because of a lawsuit over using the name Wolf Frankenstein. It took two months for Wood to straighten things out by re-dubbing the name “Wolf” to “Walter”, at which point he re-released it to far fewer theaters, but still ended up with profits over thirty thousand dollars. Three years later, he sold the television rights for another fifteen thousand.

Today, “The Son In Law of Frankenstein” is a favorite of bad movie fans and often highlights trash movie festivals.

Not In This Issue: Cheeseburgers, Skateboards Or Vikings

…maybe next month

 

The Doclopedia #1,120

A Child’s Book Of…: Survival

From the introduction…

Listen up, kid! This book will help you survive out in the world. It’s going to be tough, but if you learn the things in this book, you’ll be able to live and grow up.

You’ve probably been given this book by a nursebot or maybe an older kid. It means that you are 9 or 10 years old and have to leave the dome you’ve been living in and go out into the world. You might be afraid, but you have to do it. The domes were designed to hold only about 300 humans and you need to make room for new babies. Besides, if you can find a safe place to live, you can grow up to kill the crazies and the monsters. Kill enough of them and you’ll make the world a whole lot safer.

You need to remember a few things besides the stuff this book will teach you. Here they are.

1: You’ll leave the dome with a bunch of other kids through one of the 7 tunnels. Once you leave the tunnel, NEVER come back to the dome and STAY IN A GROUP. You will die if you try to go it alone out there.

2: For the first two days, run as fast as you can for as long as you can, stop to rest and eat your food bars, then run some more. By the time you are two days out, there will be fewer crazies or monsters. They like to stay near the domes.

3: DO NOT build a fire until your third night out and ONLY if you are in a pretty safe and sheltered place. Monsters and crazies see fire and know humans are around.

4: DO NOT TRUST ANY ADULTS! Most adults outside are crazies and many that aren’t are bad people. You can only trust adults that live in walled villages, but villages are hard to find.

5: DO NOT eat any plant not listed on your edible plants list.

6: DO NOT trust and robots you might meet. There are very few of them left, but they are all insane killers.

7: STAY OFF THE ROADS!

8: NEVER lose your weapons and take every chance you get to make/find new ones.

9: STAY AWAY FROM THE RUINED CITIES AND TOWN!

10: If you meet up with any dogs, trust them. They will probably help you find a safe place to start a village.

Belly Up And Half Wasted On A Beach In Oregon

…that never happened. No, really.

Hey, Doclopedia fans, I’m getting together the 10-15 themes I’m going to put in the first Doclopedia ebook and I’d like to know which ones you liked. If you get a chance, cruise through the over 1,100 entries and give me your theme picks. Pretty sure that “Those Furry Little Bastards” and at least one Dog/Cat theme is a done deal. May save all of the “The Rise Of…” entries for a second ebook.

I’ll be revising most entries I use, at least a bit, so if you have suggestions for improvement or expansion, tell me.

Also, I’m going to need to do at least 50 new, ebook only, entries (maybe 7-9 themes), so I’ll post a list here soon that y’all can vote on.

Thanks!

The Rare And Beautiful Squealing Lizards Of Potawango Island

…they drop out of trees onto your head

 

The Doclopedia #1,119

A Child’s Book Of…: Aliens

A few excerpts:

BALROGIANS are named after the Balrog from “Lord of the Rings, but they are not evil at all. Standing 15 feet tall, the Balrogians are sometimes referred to as the “Gardeners of the Galaxy” because they are masters of tending plant life.

Balrogians come from the Fentarus system, which is 350 light years from earth. They have muscular bodies, red and black skin, no hair and big horns. They can only speak to other sapients using a Universal Translator because they normally communicate in the subsonic range.

There are 320 Balrogians living on Earth. Most of them are studying Terran Botany.

GOOOODAKDAKDAKS come from the two largest gas giants orbiting Morax Alpha. They somewhat resemble Terran jellyfish, but are much larger. The biggest among them are 15 meters across and 45 meters long.

The Goooodakdakdaks have little in the way of advanced technology, but are masters of mathematics, philosophy, organic chemistry (which they can do within themselves) and a type of art called “gas sculpture”.

Only a very few Goooodakdakdaks have ever left their home system. To do this requires enormous and expensive ships and at least 7 Goooodakdakdaks to travel together. Currently, they are looking into colonizing gas giants in other systems.

NOATIANS are native to the planet Hargivar, which is currently experiencing an ice age. The primitive Noatians live near the edge of the great ice sheets and are hunter gatherers who do a bit of farming (mostly tubers) during the short spring and summer.

Noatians look remarkably human and are 87% genetically compatible with Terran humans. It is believed that they might be descended from humans traken from Earth by the First Races.

Crazy Dogs, Criminal Cats, Dancing Goats And Befuddled Humans

…on the Magic Bus

 

The Doclopedia #1,118

A Child’s Book Of…: Necromancy

From the introduction: “Hello, child! If you have found this book, it means that you are VERY SPECIAL. Do you know what makes you special? Why, it’s your ability to do MAGIC! You are not like other people, oh no. You are MUCH BETTER than they are!

This book was especially written for somebody like you. If you study it, you will learn how to do some VERY SPECIAL things, like bring dead pets and friends back to life or make bad people die and become your ZOMBIE SLAVES. Wouldn’t that be fun?

This book will teach you how to do many interesting spells. You’ll learn RITUALS, POTION MAKING and ENCHANTMENT. This will let you do things that your friends and family will think are AMAZING. By the time you have studied the first twelve chapters, you will be a POWERFUL NECROMANCER.

The thirteenth chapter is called THE RITUAL OF RECALLING A LICH and you will use it to recall me, Dranill Woxinon, from a terrible place called the OUTER DARKNESS. After that, we will be the best of FRIENDS! Won’t that be nice?

Now, you must remember to hide this book from your family and friends. They would become jealous of you and try to take it away. Hide the book well, and soon we will start teaching you your first spell, ANIMATE SKELETON.”

Doomraiders Of The Purple Planet!

…a new Republic serial

The Doclopedia #1,117

A Child’s Book Of…: SCIENCE!

This wonderful book will introduce boys and girls age 6 and up to the wonders of our Modern Age. Newly revised for 1910, it now covers the great inventions powered by steam, internal combustion, electricity, chemistry and the newly discovered etheric energy of the cosmos. Children will learn about airships, automatons, computing engines and a host of other discoveries. The text is written in such a way as to appeal to both children and adults. Many line drawings and photographs are included, as are schematics for building simple devices. A new section on discoveries in biology will allow children to understand the wonders of nature and how Man has improved on some of them. 250 pages. Price: $1.10