Flash & Lulu VS The Nazi Death Machine

…starting tonight at 11:59

 

The Doclopedia #1,146

Magical Masks: The iMask

I must state at the outset that I am not convinced that this mask is actually magical. Oh yes, I know that Professors Higgenwacker and Bloomadrog consider it some form of exotic magic, possibly from the area of Hidden Vosh or maybe Upper Thurvessala, but having examined and, yes, even worn the mask, I am convinced that it was created in another reality and is the product of science!

Oh really, do calm down, you nervous chickens! We live with science every day and the thought that it might someday supplant magic in our world is absurd. But even if it did, it might not be such a terrible thing. Heresy, Mr. Avboso? Perhaps, but far more likely just a simple fact. Now do calm down, all of you.

This mask, a plain white thing made in the style of a domino mask and composed of some strange material that is neither metal nor glass, is clearly named on it’s outer surface right next to the small rainbow apple insignia. It can confer vast amounts of information on the wearer. Why, in just the few minutes I wore it, it relayed the local time, temperature, distance I walked, my blood pressure & heart rate, the direction I was facing and offered to allow me to play a game in which I ran a farm. It also played music of a type I have never before heard, but which had a very infectious beat. Truly remarkable. It is a pity that the High Council decided to lock it away in the Tower of Forbidden Magicks. Perhaps one day they might let it be examined more thoroughly.

 

 

Advertisements

New Recipe: Baked Apples, Or, If You Prefer, Baked PCs

…sorry, Linux users, but baked linux boxes just ain’t funny

 

The Doclopedia #1,145

Magical Masks: Spider-Mask

The origin of this mask is totally unknown, although it is rumored that the Sorcerer Supreme might have some insight into it, if one could ask him. Which one can’t, so forget it, students.

The mask in question is a simple cloth affair designed to fully cover the head and extend down a bit towards the upper chest. It seems to have been treated with a waterproofing and has large eye coverings made of a substance that provides mirroring on the outside, yet is quite clear from the inside. Quite remarkable, really. The mask is red with a black spiderweb pattern. It is in all other ways very ordinary.

But should you don this mask, students, you would leave the ordinary behind you, for it grants amazing powers. First off, you would find that you have become very strong…ogre strong, at least. You will also be very tough and as agile & speedy as an elven thief might only dream of being. Like a spider, you will be able to climb up walls and even walk on ceilings! Most amazing of all, you will become possessed of a “danger sense” that warns you of attacks a second before they come! Given your now enhanced speed and agility, this can save your life.

Now, before you all go out hunting for this mask, you must know that using it has a price. You will begin to attract a large and very odd array of enemies, your personal life will be filled with troubles and your family & friends will often become imperiled.

And no, I have not the slightest clue where the mask might be found.

A Watched Plot Never Boils

…a lesson for writers, that

 

The Doclopedia #1,144

Magical Masks: The Mask Of Frankenstein

First off, students, this mask has nothing to do with that unfortunate wretch Victor Frankenstein or his creation. It does, however have everything to do with his cousin, an equally mad wizard by the name of Karl Frankenstein.

Wizard Frankenstein was obsessed with the thought of cheating death. This is a not uncommon thing among wizards, despite the fact that most will live two to three centuries. He consulted all of the usual texts and a good many unusual one, too, but to no avail. He would never reach the level of power necessary to become a lich, the usual method for attaining some degree of immortality.

Still determined to escape death’s embrace, Karl set about transferring his soul into some object that a human might used, and once used, would allow his soul to take control of their body. He decided upon a mask.

For two years, the madman wove dark spells, several requiring human sacrifices. At the end of things, weak and near death, he instructed his apprentices to cut off his face and place it into a specially prepared chemical bath. They did as he instructed them and he died at the moment his face entered the cursed liquid.

A week later, the apprentices removed the mask, for that is what the horrid skin had become, and rinsed it in the blood of three virgins. The mask was beautiful, showing the face of a young man, made of finest leather and decorated with gold, silver and jade. It was so alluring that the eldest apprentice slipped it on. He writhed in pain, unable to scream. A few seconds later the voice of Karl Frankenstein boomed out “I live!” and laughed maniacally. He strutted around, telling his remaining two apprentices how they would all soon move to a better location and pursue darker and more powerful magicks.

But then he removed the mask, which flew from his hand, landing acros the room. Suddenly gasping for breath, the wizard fell to the floor and died. Well, actually, the apprentice’s body died. Karl Frankenstein was back inside the mask, where he learned that evil spells enact a price upon those who cast them.

The curse is that to remain alive, the mask must never be removed. Now, this might seem a simple task, but curses will have their little twists and this one causes the mask to begin itching a year and a day after it is put on. Karl has yet to last more than a month after the itching starts.

And then there is the part about getting the mask found by somebody, so they might put it on. Since Karl often tears it off while in a remote or hidden place, it can lie undiscovered for years or even decades. To date, 215 years after his initial death, the mask has managed to give Karl Frankenstein only 14 years of added life.

Sassy Wombats Ridiculed My Partridges

…it was terrible to hear

 

The Doclopedia #1,143

Bad Dogs: Yin Yin

Among the affluent young capitalist of Shanghai, owning a purebred dog is a status symbol. Owning a unique purebred dog puts you at the top of the heap. The owners of Yin Yin have such a dog, since he is a pure white miniature long haired dachshund with blue eyes. The three year old is the apple of their eye and leads a pampered life. Too bad that he is also evil to the core.

There is a reason why Yin Yin looks so different: he’s not from our world. He was actually born on an Earth where psychic powers are very common. Humans, dogs, cats and a few other species have them and, for the most part, use them for good. But when a certain weenie dog began using his mind control powers for evil, the Grand Council banished him to another reality. Our reality.

Yin Yin controls the minds of several hundred rich and powerful people, both in Shanghai and in other parts of China. Having no real need for money, the cunning canine is instead setting China up for violent revolution and eventual collapse. After that, he intends to do the same to the USA and all of the other countries of the world. Very few humans and dogs can resist his mental powers.

Yin Yin’s big weakness is cats, who are utterly unaffected by his attempts to control their minds. Now, if they only cared about the collapse of civilization, we might have a chance.

The Rare And Beautiful Whistling Potto Of Potawango Island

…they can imitate many birds

 

The Doclopedia #1,142

Bad Dogs: Lulu Louise Cross


Until the Summer of 2013, Lulu was a normal basset hound/coon hound mix living in Sacramento, California. Then she died from lymphoma, he basset hound sister transferred her intellect into an artificial brain and in the Fall of 2013, Lulu awoke with a partly organic, partly mechanical body.

Now a cyborg, Lulu found that she was much stronger and faster than normal. Within a couple of months, her body was upgraded to full robotic when her meat parts began to fail. This made her even stronger and faster and gave her some advanced weaponry & sensors. Whoever thought that was a good idea?

Later still, Lulu’s body was improved even more, along with her getting an adamantium skeletal structure and vibranium “skin”. She is now nearly indestructible. Her top speed, on Earth, is 175 miles per hour. She weighs 150 pounds, but is only about the size and build of a Dalmatian. She can function perfectly well under water at great depths and in the vacuum of space.

Lulu is known for flaunting the law, upsetting the status quo and causing great amounts of property damage, all in the name of fun, or on rare occasions, justice. She is often accompanied by her brother, Flash Alexander Cross, a small cat who is every bit the hell raiser Lulu is. Neither of them has ever shown the slightest trace of guilt about their exploits. They are both often found locked down at home (Lucy by a restraining bold, Flash by steel bars on his apartment) by their human parents.

Lulu and Flash are wanted for questioning by hundreds of law enforcement agencies worldwide and a few agencies from offworld.

Golden Weevils

…I have no idea where that came from

 

The Doclopedia #1,139

Road Signs: Steep Grade

On Smart Earth, where education is mandatory everywhere and most folks have 3-4 degrees, you’ll often see this road sign as you drive the last mile to one of the more exclusive universities. It references the fact that if you have less that a B+ average after the first semester, you’ll probably get kicked out. At the end of the second semester, it better be an A average or they’ll start calling you “the slow student”.

The Doclopedia #1,140

Bad Dogs: Amelia, The Irish Setter

On DogEarth, there are some pretty bad dogs. Amelia O’Barker is one such canine. Born in Ireland, she came to the United States at age 5 and immediately started up a gang of the toughest bitches she could find. Before long, they were deep into extortion, gambling, drugs and a host of other rackets.

Amelia rules with an iron paw and enforces her rule via “The Big Girls”, three Saint Bernard sisters who strike fear into the hearts of everyone they meet. These enforcers are thought to be responsible for several murders and at least a dozen forced neuterings of members of the “West Boston Growlers” gang.

Amelia O’Barker is a 10 year old Irish Setter. Her fur is deep red with blond highlights. She usually wears gray business suits and has a nickel sized notch in her left ear. She has a pronounced Dublin accent.

The Doclopedia #1,141

Bad Dogs: Doctor Petey

Of all the evil masterminds on DogEarth, Doctor Petey is the most feared. A master of planning, he uses his insanely loyal followers and high tech gadgets to take whatever he wants, spreading fear and destruction along the way. He has several secret lairs around the world, with his favorite being the one beneath New York City.

Doctor Petey started out as Petey Wagtail, a genius pup born to poor Staffordshire Terrier parents in San Francisco in 1922. By the age of 4, he had started down the path of evil and was soon gathering up the funds and technology he would need to launch an attack on the law abiding world.

 

The only reason Doctor Petey has not conquered the world by now is that he has been thwarted at every turn by the likes of Mystery Hound, Lois Woofer of the FBI and Agent 333 of Her Majesties Secret Service. These do-gooders and their associates always seem to gain the upper hand at the last moment.

 

Doctor Petey is a 12 year old Staffordshire Terrier with a mostly white coat that has black spots in a few places. He usually dresses in expensive suits and wears a monocle in his left eye. He effects a German accent, but is not German at all. He is often accompanied by his right hand man, Max, a miniature poodle. In his spare time, Doctor Petey enjoys fine food & wines, building deathtraps and dropping enemies into a tank full of sharks.

Chapter 411: In Which Our Hero, Assisted By A Hermit And A Small Pig, Infiltrates A French Castle

… he stole a pie, the baron’s daughter and the Secret Plans

 

The Doclopedia #1,137

Road Signs: Scenic Drive

In the reality often referred to as “the Squishy Universe”, space can and does fold in on itself on the local level. This can make a drive of 500 miles take less than 10 minutes or make a trip to the corner store a 3 day event.

In some instances, folds along a stretch of road will take you into and out of different locations on the planet. One of the most famous is a 10 kilometer bit of road in Yorkshire, UK, that takes travelers through 16 different areas on 4 continents. Among the sights seen are the Arizona desert, rural northern Quebec, Singapore and the northern Andes. Guide books are available at the visitors center just after you see the sign.


The Doclopedia #1,138

 

Road Signs: Watch For Deer

 

Bet your ass you’ve gotta watch for deer, buddy! Since the animals all became sentient, those damned deer have been getting revenge on all of their ancestors that were hit by cars.

You get up there outside of Boise heading north and the deer like to roll rocks down the hill onto the highway. The rocks aren’t really big, so hardly anybody gets killed, but they fuck up hundreds of cars every year.

Then there’s that spot down in east Texas where the deer have learned how to toss broken glass and stuff on the road. I was hauling a load of hogs through there and got two flats. While I was waiting for the repair truck, the fucking deer turned loose the hogs!

So yeah, you see a Watch For Deer sign, you be on the lookout for trouble.”