Milk For The Mongoose

…for his cornflakes

 

The Doclopedia #1,168

Murder By…: Books

“Yes, YES, I killed her! I admit it and I’m glad I did she’s dead! It was always “I’m reading blah blah blah” or “So and so is doing a book signing” or “I’ve preordered such and such titles”. All she ever talked about were friggin’ books! 24/7 it was books, books BOOKS! It drove me mad, I tell you! MAD! Hahahahaha!

But I fixed her, yes I did! It was genius! I knew she’d be looking for the next book in her latest series soon, so I used it as the bait in my clever trap. She had thousands of books in that pare room, all stacked up from floor to ceiling. It took me three days to get them all stacked just exactly right. I made sure to put the largest and heaviest on top. Oh, it was a work of art, my trap!

Once it was set, all she had to do was pull out that one book and the rest would collapse on top of her! Even if she didn’t die instantly, she’d be covered up and crushed. Meanwhile, the day before she finished the book, I went out of town on a “business trip”. I was 300 miles away when she died! When I found out she was killed instantly, I was a bit disappointed. But I was FREE! Free of her constant yammering on about books! Hahahahaha!

But I didn’t know she had installed micro cameras all over the house because she was afraid of book thieves. Who the hell worries about book thieves? Oh, of course, SHE DID!

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Garlic In The Laundry

…I forgot that it was in my pocket

The Doclopedia #1,165

Fish Of the Day: Walking Lungshark

Somewhere on Earth 88 there might be a more terrifying fish than the Walking Lungshark, but we are damned if we know what it might be.

Combining aspects of the lungfish, walking catfish and great white shark, these 20 foot long eating machines usually stay in the water, but they can come right out on the land to chase their prey! They can stay out of the water up to 45 minutes and they can hit a top speed of 10 miles an hour. Faster if they are going downhill. Fortunately, they cannot climb trees. Unfortunately, they CAN bite right through tree trunks up to 6 inches thick.

It will come as no surprise that Walking Lungsharks are hunted by many people around the world. This hunting is done in very large and very sturdy boats. Even so, if the Lungsharks are swimming in a school, the boats and crews may never return.

The Doclopedia #1,166

Fish Of the Day: Magic Crabs

Magical crabs are found on many islands in the Feerngark Sea. They range in size from two to 10 inches across and are identified by their bright yellow shells. They spend much of their time in shallow waters feeding on everything from algae to dead fish. They are usually quite docile, unless it is the mating season, in which case they might try to pinch you.

Getting the magical essence from a Magic Crab is quite easy. Simply pick one up and drop it into a bucket of cold fresh water. It will immediately release a golden liquid, the magical essence that Wizards pay top dollar for. Once it releases the essence, put the crab back into the sea, for it will not survive long in fresh water.

Magic Crabs cannot survive anywhere outside their home territory, so introducing them to other areas just won’t work. As to why more people aren’t harvesting the essence and getting rich, that is easily explained by the fact that the Feerngark Sea is also home to Giant Sea Demons, Surf Blobs, Fire Gulls and Fog Creatures, to name but a few.

The Doclopedia #1,167

Fish Of the Day: Baconfish

“Well it’s a fish th’ size of a salmon what tastes exactly like bacon, innit? Grows about a meter an’ a ‘alf and nice and pudgy, too! Th’ red an’ white colors marks ’em from reg’lar salmon, ain’t that right, Dex?

Now, you get y’self one, you clean it all proper an’ smoke it up an’ that’ll be th’ best you ever ate! Blimey, I’m makin’ m’self ‘ungry, I am. C’mon, Dex, let’s go fishin’!”

No Escape From Bunnyland

…and they are NOT nice bunnies

 

The Doclopedia #1,163

Fish Of the Day: Yelling Carp

This fish is a large blue-gray carp that periodically comes to the surface to yell things in a surprisingly human voice. This always scares the hell out of most humans and animals nearby. During the Yelling Carp mating season, the rivers and lakes are very noisy.

The Yelling Carp grows to a length of 8 feet, weighs up to 100 pounds and can live 75 years. Things they yell include HELP!, MURDER!, HEY YOU!, SONOFABITCH! and PISS OFF!, among many others.

Many communities hold “Kill A Yelling Carp” days, but the wily fish are hard to find when threatened.

The Doclopedia #1,164

Fish Of the Day: Ghostfish

Throughout the multiverse, there are many game fish that can really challenge anglers, but none so much as the Ghostfish. Found in coastal waters all around the Pacific Ocean on Earths 4,11, 28, 59 and 136, the Ghostfish is tricky to catch because it can become incorporeal at will.

Most of the time, the meter long fish, which travels in schools of up to 200 individuals, is a beautiful pale white with light blue streaks. When it decides to go ghostly, it fades to near invisibility and can pass through solid matter as easily as it swims through water.

Catching a Ghostfish often means using various arcane charms, specially enchanted hooks and Vibroshrimp as bait.

The Professional Newsletter Writer’s Newsletter

…all the news that fits in a newsletter

The Doclopedia #1,161

A Hand Full Of…: Gold

“Holy shit, Jimmy, that’s gold! A real gold bar! It must have been left behind when the old mine closed down in 1884. Holy shit!

Let me hold it. Man, it’s heavy, isn’t it? How much do you think it’s worth? NO WAY! $900 an OUNCE! Shit, this has to weigh 2 or 3 pounds! We’re rich, dude! WOOHOO!

Man, I’m gonna but that new X Box and a shitload of games. And a big screen TV! And…what? No, I don’t know why the mine closed. What the hell does…Indian curse? 20 dead miners? Oh, fuck you, Jimmy! You don’t believe that shit, do you? Fuckin’ dead Indian zombies! What crazy bullshit!

Anyway, we can buy cars! Cool cars! And you know what that means…GIRLS! Man, I’d like to get in the back seat with…wait, did you hear that?”

The Doclopedia #1,162

A Hand Full Of…: Science!

“Ok, so, right…my name is doctor Neil Case and I’m making this video to record the effects of my nanobots on curing cancer. I know you all are watching this, Janos, and I apologize to you and the team for not waiting for the approval of human trials, but the cancer is spreading. If I wait, I won’t be around to see the start of trials.

So, I’m injecting the nanobots now. No discomfort other than getting stuck with the needle. I’ve programmed the bots to remove the cancer while rebuilding the good cells and optimizing them for good health. They’re going to need building materials, so I’ve eaten a huge meal and taken several vitamin & mineral supplements. To tell you the truth, I could use a nap. I’ll leave the cameras on. Talk to you later.

Whew! That was a good nap. Lasted…holy crap! 15 hours? What the hell?

I feel good, better than I have in weeks. I…WOAH! WOAH! Look at me! Oh shit oh shit oh shit! I’m younger! And I have a full head of hair! Oh shit! And I can see things clearly without my glasses!

Oh wow…the optimization! They’re taking it to all of me. Gotta run tests! Shit, now I’m wishing I’d told you guys. I can only do a few tests myself. Ok, gotta call Janos and Maria and Bob and…woah! I think my dick is bigger.”

Are You Ready To Enter The Kingdom Of Godzilla?

…welcome back, big guy. we missed you.

 

The Doclopedia #1,159

A Hand Full Of…: Dwiff

“Oh yes, your Most High Skondorf, that is indeed dwiff, straight from the Cliffs of Ooon. The Thrice Blessed Kelldorn, Feemis Feev, went out and personally slew many lowgs and roozards to get to the Cliffs and obtain it for you.

Yes, Highest One, the blue-green dwiff is the most highly prized. The amount you have in your hand must easily be twice that which the War of Clards and Haavesses was fought over.

Now, in order to use the dwiff properly in the Ritual of Hizic Cleansing and Heavenly Ascendance, we must sacrifice three of your favorite pleems and tattoo the names of your ancestors onto your aanveg and your klurts. After that, we will bathe you in skleb oil and then dust you with the dwiff. Only then can we begin the Ritual.”

The Doclopedia #1,160

A Hand Full Of…: Pixie Poop

“Gods damn their eyes! Those two pixies, who were SO polite and helpful, each shit in my hand! They did it so fast, then flew off, that I couldn’t react!

Stop laughing! Ertix, I swear I’ll shove that wand up your skinny ass! Walten, I’ll drop kick you back to your mines! It’s not funny!

How could two 4 inch high creatures hold so much shit? I can’t wipe it off and it smells terrible. Fuck you, you little green bastards! If I ever see the two of you again, I’ll squash you!

What’s that, wizard? A great good deed? Just to get pixie crap off my hand? Sonofabitch! Well, let me get a glove on this hand and we’ll go find a dragon to slay or an army of the undead to stop. Gods, this stuff is wet and warm and…stop laughing, you assholes!”

Amazing Adventures In Mad Science!

…as told by Sasha Jane Cross

 

The Doclopedia #1,158

A Hand Full Of…: Goop

“That there in yer hand is 100% Goop, young fella. Comes outta them Goop Cactus over yonder and it’s worth twice as much as gold. Why? Well, ya see, if ya mix a bit in some booze, it makes a drink that makes older folks feel frisky as young colts, especially in the boodwahr, if ya know what I mean. Heh heh heh.

Anyhow, there ain’t many of them cactus around, so we guard ’em pretty well. I hear they grow more down in Mexico, but the Mexicans will shot ya fulla holes if you go lookin’ for ’em.

Oh no, we don’t cut down the whole danged cactus. No, we just put this here little spigot in the side once a month, then drain out a quart or so. Yeah, it thickens up real fast out in the air.

Hear, use this rag to clean up yer hand and we’ll go get some grub. Tomorrow, we’ll hike up the canyon and collect goop from the cactuses up there.”

The Warm Noodle Event

…it was warm and buttery

 

The Doclopedia #1,156

Dolls: Dollgora

What turned a typical child’s doll into a 300 foot tall city destroying kaiju with laser eyes and acid fog breath? Nobody in Japan has a clue, but when she burst up from below the city, you can bet they tried to find out.

Unfortunately, Dollgora didn’t make researching her easy, what with knocking over buildings and killing thousands with her acid breath. When they sent the military in, the giant doll pretty much took everything they threw at her, then lasered the shit out of them. Makes you wonder why A: the Japanese even bother sending the military up against kaiju, and B: why the hell would anybody join the Japanese military anyway?

Anyway, just about the time Dollgora finishes stomping half of Tokyo into gravel, along comes another kaiju to challenge her to a fight. Japan just cannot catch a break, ya know?

So Dollgora and the other monster, a 250 foot tall chicken that could breath cold out of her mouth and fire explosive eggs out her ass, start duking it out from one end of Japan to the other. After about 4 days of this, the Japanese people are fondly remembering the days of earthquakes, tsunamis and the rare American nuke.

Finally, Dollgora fries the chicken and starts heading for Osaka, unaware that in the last few days, Japanese scientist have discovered how to destroy her. As she was climbing over a mountain, they hit her with some sort of gravity beam that increased her weight about 500 times normal. The doll was crushed into pieces, then those pieces were melted down into plastic slag. Japan was once again safe!

Yeah, right.

The Doclopedia #1,157

Dolls: Beery Babies

OK, pal, right off I gotta give my mother in law credit. She’s the one that knitted the first Beery Baby for me. It kept my hand warm while helping keep my can or bottle of beer cold. And she made it look like a pro wrestler, which was neat.

Anyway, my buddy likes it and asks her to make him one, which she does and he gives her a fiver for her trouble. Before you know it, her and my wife and some aunts are cranking out 10-15 a week for guys here in Chicago.

Well, me and my father in law see the potential in this and we set up a business and get a bunch of gals to knit and pretty soon we’re selling 10,000 Beery Babies a week. We had 102 different ones and pretty soon we added 200 more and then things REALLY took off. When we sold the company, six months before the collecting fad began to fade, we got a cool thirty million bucks for it.

Oh yeah, we still have one of every Beery Baby created. I think they’re in a box out in the garage. Me, I still use that very first one. Of course, now I’m drinking much better beer.