The Warm Noodle Event

…it was warm and buttery

 

The Doclopedia #1,156

Dolls: Dollgora

What turned a typical child’s doll into a 300 foot tall city destroying kaiju with laser eyes and acid fog breath? Nobody in Japan has a clue, but when she burst up from below the city, you can bet they tried to find out.

Unfortunately, Dollgora didn’t make researching her easy, what with knocking over buildings and killing thousands with her acid breath. When they sent the military in, the giant doll pretty much took everything they threw at her, then lasered the shit out of them. Makes you wonder why A: the Japanese even bother sending the military up against kaiju, and B: why the hell would anybody join the Japanese military anyway?

Anyway, just about the time Dollgora finishes stomping half of Tokyo into gravel, along comes another kaiju to challenge her to a fight. Japan just cannot catch a break, ya know?

So Dollgora and the other monster, a 250 foot tall chicken that could breath cold out of her mouth and fire explosive eggs out her ass, start duking it out from one end of Japan to the other. After about 4 days of this, the Japanese people are fondly remembering the days of earthquakes, tsunamis and the rare American nuke.

Finally, Dollgora fries the chicken and starts heading for Osaka, unaware that in the last few days, Japanese scientist have discovered how to destroy her. As she was climbing over a mountain, they hit her with some sort of gravity beam that increased her weight about 500 times normal. The doll was crushed into pieces, then those pieces were melted down into plastic slag. Japan was once again safe!

Yeah, right.

The Doclopedia #1,157

Dolls: Beery Babies

OK, pal, right off I gotta give my mother in law credit. She’s the one that knitted the first Beery Baby for me. It kept my hand warm while helping keep my can or bottle of beer cold. And she made it look like a pro wrestler, which was neat.

Anyway, my buddy likes it and asks her to make him one, which she does and he gives her a fiver for her trouble. Before you know it, her and my wife and some aunts are cranking out 10-15 a week for guys here in Chicago.

Well, me and my father in law see the potential in this and we set up a business and get a bunch of gals to knit and pretty soon we’re selling 10,000 Beery Babies a week. We had 102 different ones and pretty soon we added 200 more and then things REALLY took off. When we sold the company, six months before the collecting fad began to fade, we got a cool thirty million bucks for it.

Oh yeah, we still have one of every Beery Baby created. I think they’re in a box out in the garage. Me, I still use that very first one. Of course, now I’m drinking much better beer.

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