Mr. Porkwaffle Cooks A Stew

…but not without humorous mishaps

 

The Doclopedia #1,174

Those Furry Little Bastards!: At A Gaming Convention

Doc: “Oh shit! The Pitipati are here at the con!”

Spike: “That ought to liven things up.”

Doc: “I reckon. Raising holy hell usually does liven things up.”

Mary: “Do you think they’ll paint people like they did on Halloween in Baltimore?’

Miranda: “Oh hell no! It took a week to wash off that purple paint.’

Doc: “Hey, look, they’re building a castle out of dice.”

Spike: “Much to the chagrin of the dice dealers.”

Doc: “Good workmanship. And man, are those little guys fast!”

Grace: “Hi, guys! What’s…OH NO! Not the Pitipati! They ruined our garden last year!”

Doc: “Well, not exactly ruined. They mostly just swapped out our veggies for other veggies.”

Grace: “They gave us seven more zucchini plants and replaced the watermelon vines with radishes. And they annoyed the dogs.”

Doc: “Well, everything small & furry annoys the dogs.”

Spike: “Look, they’ve started to do a LARP. Looks like Expedition To The Barrier Peaks.”

Doc: “Where the hell did they get the tiny armor and weapons?”

Is It Just Me, Or Does Crab Rangoon Sound Like A 1960s Pro Wrestler?

…probably just me.

 

The Doclopedia #1,173

Those Furry Little Bastards!: At War

“Well, Winston, it would seem that the Pitipati don’t like the Nazis or the Japanese any more than you or I do. I just got a report that says they have Hitler and his boys nearly insane with anger. Not that both of us can’t relate to that, eh?

Hahaha! Oh yes, I remember 1933 well. I thought those furry little bastards would never get bored and leave. Pity about Russia though. Still, we did try to tell them that their weapons wouldn’t work.

Now, I’m pulling back our forces on all fronts for a week or two to give the boys a rest and let the Pitipati do what they do so well. What’s that? Hahaha! Well that’s good news indeed. Every factory they lose is a winner for us.

Well, Winston, I’ve got to go meet with…wait…just got a report…well well, seems that our furry friends have gotten onto several Japanese ships. Report says the sailors are abandoning ship in droves. By God, this is turning out to be a good day!

Yes, same to you. We’ll talk again soon.”

Miss Silky Is In Da House!

…no, really!

Doc, Grace, Sasha & Daisy Cross are proud to welcome Miss Silky Dawn Cross to our family. She is 8 years old, very sweet tempered and has longish silky hair. She is doing very well fitting in.

Silky was used as a breeder for most of her life, then dumped at the ASPCA. Because she and I are both old farts, we got her for free. She will have a good home here

In other news…

Flash Alexander Cross & Jasmine Belle Malone

invite you to attend their wedding

to be held August 12, 2014, 3:00 pm.

Aboard the Magic Bus in Critter City, Texas

Reception and Bigass Blowout Party to follow

in the Sands Hotel, Las Vegas, Nevada, April, 1962

Formal, species specific dress requested

A free bar (synthehol only) and humongous buffet will be provided

Free lodging available for one and all

Entertainment provided by a diverse assemblage of famous entertainers

Free universal translators provided to all attendees

Free spatiotemporal transport provided to those who need it

Temporal folding will be in effect so that nobody loses time

RSVP to Critter Avengers on Facebook or @CritterAvengers on Twitter

“A splendid time is guaranteed for all”

(We can’t say if Harry the Horse will dance a waltz, but you can ask)

Tonight’s Episode: Gander & Percy Try To Smuggle A Trained Ox Into The Barndance

…featuring a guest appearance by Don Knotts as Barney Fife

 

The Doclopedia #1,171

Murder By…: Used Spork

“Jeez, Al, what’s the world coming to? Wasn’t that long ago that a guy with a gun or maybe a shiv could make a good living doing hits in this town. Now, with that green haired psycho in charge, you got drooling nutjobs doin’ all the killin’ and using every damned thing BUT a gun or shiv.

Look here, this article says that George Danning, the military contractor, was killed by 99 stab wounds from a plastic spork? A fuckin’ USED plastic spork! Jesus jumped up Christ!

You never heard of a spork? It’s one of them weird lookin’ spoon things that they hand out over at the Chinese take out joint on Biltmore and Tenth. Yeah, looks like a spoon with a serrated front end. People use ’em on picnics and stuff, too.

Anyway, this fuckin’ whackjob uses one that he found in a trash can to do old man Danning. Says here he got him in the throat the first 6-7 times, then just kept stabbin’. Cops got there just as he counted off 99. Got him in custody now, but you can bet old Creepy Smile will get him sprung, one way or the other.

Yeah, I agree, we need to blow this town and head off to someplace less insane. What do ya think about Miami?”

The Doclopedia #1,172

Special One Shot: Getting Around The Multiverse

Since I have been doing these entries, I have had thousands of readers ask me how I get from one reality to the next. Below are some suggestions.

Use a vehicle: For 99% of my trips, I use a space/time traveling school bus. It’s big inside, comfy and has a well stocked pantry. Finding this type of vehicle is not easy, but worth the search. A words of caution: Buy only a vehicle that comes with both a quantum mechanic and an automatic life support bubble. That last is an absolute must for protecting you and your vehicle from radiation, dragons, pandemics and other nasty situations.

Find a dimensional portal: These are rare, but still easier to find than a vehicle. Unfortunately, most only link to one other reality and most of those are pretty bad places to visit.

Travel via psychic transference: I rarely use this, but it is necessary when visiting worlds that are hostile in some way to humans. Your mind takes over another sentient being. Be aware that this can have adverse side effects. After my first visit to CatEarth, it took three days before I could defecate anywhere but a litterbox.

A Time For Apricots

…because YUM!

 

So, all of the “Murder By…” entries I’m putting up on the blog were suggested by my readers. I’ve done this several times before, to good effect. But now I want to try something different.

Starting today and running to the end of the month, I want YOU, Gentle Reader, to WRITE a Doclopedia entry for one of my tried & true themes: Dogs & Cats Living Together.

If you are unfamiliar with this theme, go look it up on the blog.

Here are the rules…

1: 1,000 words or less.

2: Send it to me via email at doccross@aol.com

3: If you post it here, I will delete it, unfriend you and block you for 90 days for being deliberately stupid.

4: I will post ALL of the submitted entries in July, assuming any of you actually do one.

5: There are no prizes

6: See rule #3 up there? It also applies to posting anywhere else, too. EMAIL IT!

7: There are no prizes for this.

The Madcap, Yet Lustily Romantic, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Magical Treehouse

…co-starring her Uncle Olaf, who only has one leg

 

The Doclopedia #1,170

Murder By…: Chocolate Scorpions

In that other world, the one all children know about, but teenagers can barely remember and adults can’t even think of (until they get really old, but that’s when childhood returns anyway), there was a really evil Evil Wizard called the Upside Down Wizard, because, you know, his whole castle was upside down and everything in it was now on the ceiling which should have been the floor but people in the castle just acted normal.

Anyway, the Upside Down Wizard was not nice and he spent all of his time casting spells that gave people zits or made their cheese extra stinky or caused Garbage Trolls to run through town. This one time, he even made it rain dog poop on the town square! He was a bad person!

Well, Sir Teddy Bear heard about that and he decided to go teach that wizard a lesson. But when he got to the Upside Down Castle, he couldn’t get in because there was a Super Strong Magical Force Field around it. That really sucked!

So Sir Teddy Bear sent for the Roly Poly Wizard, the Frizzy Haired Wizard and the Dog Wizard and told them that they needed to find a way to kill the evil wizard before he could summon a bunch of Poop Demons or Giant Snakes or a really humongous spider or something. The three wizards started talking and talking, trying to figure out what to do.

Well, the Dog Wizard remembered that the Upside Down Wizard LOVED chocolate, so he tossed a chocolate bar at the force field and it went right in! Then the Roly Poly Wizard made a bunch of chocolate scorpions about the size of cats and the Frizzy Haired Wizard made them really fast and the Dog Wizard made them poisonous and then they told the scorpions to go kill the Upside Down Wizard.

There was a big fight inside the Upside Down Castle and lots of people ran out, but in the end, the Chocolate Scorpions killed the evil Upside Down Wizard. I think maybe they ate him, too. After that, the three wizards made the Chocolate Scorpions be nice and now kids can play with them and stuff.

It’s Raining Cats & Blogs!

…I wasn’t even trying on that one.

The Doclopedia #1,169

Murder By…: Monotony

“I dunno, Captain, was it really suicide? I mean, sure, he shot himself in front of six co-workers, but I wonder. See, by asking around, we found out that he had formerly been one of the brightest and most creative guys in the advertising department at Amalgamated Widgets. Earned lots of dough, took vacations, all that. Then something happened and he’s down working on the widget packing line 10 hours a day. Six days a week for a couple bucks over minimum wage.

I had Nomura check him out and it seems he had some big financial setbacks about a year ago. According to rumors in the typing pool, that was right about the time he ended an affair with the wife of the big boss, J. Albert Wiggins. Witnesses say that just about the time his financial shit hit the fan, he gets called into the office and fired, then offered a job on the line, which he took.

Now, you’d think a guy like that could get another advertising job in a blink, but that wasn’t happening. Seems old man Wiggins made sure that the victim’s name went on a blacklist. It also seems that most of our victim’s debt was held by Overland Bank, which is owned in part by J. Albert Wiggins.

So I’m thinking that Wiggins forced him onto that mind numbingly boring job knowing that it would push him over the edge. Think about it. A brilliant creative guy used to the high life and now he’s just another drone ass deep in debt and going nowhere. Then, one day, he pops his cork and blows his brains all over those widgets.

Yeah, yeah, I know there’s no way to prove it or get a conviction, but you’ve gotta admit, it was a hell of a way to get a guy dead. Murder by monotony, for Christ’s sake.”