Tonight’s Episode: Gander & Percy Try To Smuggle A Trained Ox Into The Barndance

…featuring a guest appearance by Don Knotts as Barney Fife

 

The Doclopedia #1,171

Murder By…: Used Spork

Jeez, Al, what’s the world coming to? Wasn’t that long ago that a guy with a gun or maybe a shiv could make a good living doing hits in this town. Now, with that green haired psycho in charge, you got drooling nutjobs doin’ all the killin’ and using every damned thing BUT a gun or shiv.

Look here, this article says that George Danning, the military contractor, was killed by 99 stab wounds from a plastic spork? A fuckin’ USED plastic spork! Jesus jumped up Christ!

You never heard of a spork? It’s one of them weird lookin’ spoon things that they hand out over at the Chinese take out joint on Biltmore and Tenth. Yeah, looks like a spoon with a serrated front end. People use ’em on picnics and stuff, too.

Anyway, this fuckin’ whackjob uses one that he found in a trash can to do old man Danning. Says here he got him in the throat the first 6-7 times, then just kept stabbin’. Cops got there just as he counted off 99. Got him in custody now, but you can bet old Creepy Smile will get him sprung, one way or the other.

Yeah, I agree, we need to blow this town and head off to someplace less insane. What do ya think about Miami?”

The Doclopedia #1,172

Special One Shot: Getting Around The Multiverse

Since I have been doing these entries, I have had thousands of readers ask me how I get from one reality to the next. Below are some suggestions.

Use a vehicle: For 99% of my trips, I use a space/time traveling school bus. It’s big inside, comfy and has a well stocked pantry. Finding this type of vehicle is not easy, but worth the search. A words of caution: Buy only a vehicle that comes with both a quantum mechanic and an automatic life support bubble. That last is an absolute must for protecting you and your vehicle from radiation, dragons, pandemics and other nasty situations.

Find a dimensional portal: These are rare, but still easier to find than a vehicle. Unfortunately, most only link to one other reality and most of those are pretty bad places to visit.

Travel via psychic transference: I rarely use this, but it is necessary when visiting worlds that are hostile in some way to humans. Your mind takes over another sentient being. Be aware that this can have adverse side effects. After my first visit to CatEarth, it took three days before I could defecate anywhere but a litterbox.

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