…my girl, Sasha.
For today, I turn the blog over to my basset hound, Sasha. This will be the first of her rants about various things. we both hope you enjoy it.
Sasha Explains It All
The Word of Dog
Right off the bat here, let’s make it clear that Dog is not some sort of canine deity. Animals do not have religion like you humans do. We have never had religion, because we never lost touch with the natural world and how things really work. Death is part of life for us. For you humans, death is feared and you created religion to help you believe that you’d live on after your body dies. Well, that and religion also helps sooth your consciences when you do terrible shit to the planet and each other.
So, Dog is absolutely NOT the Christian God or any other god.
What Dog was, in all probability, was a mutation. Every once in awhile evolution does shit like that. It’s pretty cool. It’s why you humans are here.
Dog lived about 25,000 years, give or take a few thousand years. He was like other dogs, except smarter. A whole lot smarter. At least pig level smart, which means he was pretty much the Stephen Hawking of those old school dogs.
Oh, wait a minute…I need to explain to you about where dogs came from. You folks get it completely wrong. We are NOT descended from wolves!
Here’s how it goes: Breed wolves in captivity for 10 generations. Do they get tamer? Yep. Do they start displaying doglike behavior. Yep. Do they alter their coloration, size, tail shape, etc? No, they still look like wolves.
Now, do the same thing to foxes. They undergo all of the changes that wolves do, plus they alter physically to look more like dogs. And they do it in only a few generations.
So, what does this mean? It means that we dogs are descended from a creature that was a sort of halfway step between wolves and foxes. And no, I do not mean the freakin’ coyotes. We were and are a distinct species, leaning more toward the wolf, but not wolves. This is pretty important to us and it kind of pisses us off how you humans don’t get it. Of course, you don’t get a lot of things, but that’s a whole other essay.
So, Dog was a genius level canine back in the ancient days and he was born into a pack that lived very near a human tribe. From puppyhood, he would watch these humans and compare how they lived with how dogs lived. He saw that it was very similar, but with some differences.
First off, humans could do all sorts of things dogs did, but they had very weak senses and were not nearly so good at hunting. Secondly, they had figured out how to control fire, which was a pretty damned big deal. Finally, with their tools, they could kill huge creatures, then cook the meat over fire! The smell of this cooked meat just made dogs crazy.
By the time he reached adulthood and took over his pack, Dog had decided that humans and dogs should hook up. He figured that we could help each other. So, when the humans were out hunting without much success, Dog and a couple of his homeboys drove some deer their way. After the humans killed the deer, Dog and pals just looked at them, wagging their tails. The humans, who were a bit slow, ignored them. Fortunately, Dog was patient.
After a few times of helping the humans hunt, Dog and his pack were accepted as being useful and friendly. The humans started leaving them delicious animal guts and bones and even slices of cooked meat. Pretty soon, Dog moved the pack near to the humans and they followed the humans around. Eventually, the humans started liking them, especially the puppies.
When he was very old, Dog got a bunch of young dogs & bitches together and told them this, which is, by the way, the most important thing any dog knows. And yes, almost every dog knows this. We are taught it from puppyhood. It’s in our DNA.
“Young ones, you see how our life is so much better with humans in it. You see that their lives are better, too. We are all living longer and safer lives. They protect us and we protect them. We hunt together and eat together. Life is very good.
Now you must go out in pairs and find new human packs to help. You must do with them as we have done here. Without each other, humans and dogs would have rough lives. Together, we will grow and thrive.
Go, find your humans. Get other dogs to join with you. Teach your puppies and send the best and brightest among them out to do as you have done. Teach them to love the humans and live among them. It is for the best of both species.”
And that is just what those dogs did! After about 1,000-1,500 years, they had spread the Word all over the planet and the human/dog partnership was a done deal.
Folks, that right up there explains EVERYTHING! It is why we stick with you despite your cruelty and arrogance and outright stupidity. You need us and we need you. We complete each other in ways you folks might never understand and it’s been that way for tens of thousands of years.
While I’m on this subject, here are a few more points.
There was never a cat equivalent to Dog. Cats were told the Word pretty early on, but since they are different creatures from dogs & humans, they kind of rewrote things to suit them. Call them the Reform Church, if you will.
Every thousand years or so, the DNA of Dog himself gets back in the mix (it is most likely some double recessive thing) and we get a new really smart dog or two. They don’t really alter the Word, but they have added some insights. The one about “someday, humans might kill themselves off, so be prepared” is pretty recent, but very wise.
Very few other species give the Word of Dog any thought. Wolves will outright laugh at you if you try to tell them about it. Given what humans have done to them, I can see their point. Many other species are just not smart enough to grasp the concepts. No, really. Try telling all of this to a sheep.
Anyway, that’s it, the story of the Word of Dog. Think about it.
Until my next rant,
Sasha Jane Cross
Update From May 24th, 2020: Yesterday, the combined (and expanded) autobiographies of Roscoe and Silky, “The Damndest Story You’ve Ever Heard”, went live. In it, Roscoe reveals how he lead LOTS of lives across tens of thousands of years. I mean, like 20 of them.
He also revealed that in most of his lives, he had visits from a time traveler known as “Jane”. That was me, same as I helped Silky. What dropped my jaw personally, was that for 5 of his journeys, the time traveler helping him was a male blue raccoon called “Captain Blue”. Even more jaw dropping, this blue rascal took him back 35,000 years to interbreed with primitive bitches and spread his genes AND TAKE THE NAME DOG! Yes, Roscoe was Dog.
The dog community is having assorted meltdowns about this. My son has only replied to my questions with “Had to be done, Mom.”
I can’t even.