My Life Among The Tentacled Dogs

…they picked my pocket!


Dog Con 7


Day 3: In which we see trained cats, visit a house on stilts, prevent a bear from getting in trouble and watch monster movies.

9:00 am

We played Car Wars and other games until the wee hours last night, which explains why only a couple of us (me & Brian) are up even now. Mostly this has to do with walking dogs.

(Sasha: Well excuse us for having to pee!)

(Sadie: And poop!)

(Daisy: It was a nice walk.)

(Silky: We saw chipmunks and birds.)

The Car Wars session took place on a flat figure eight racetrack. While there were no collisions at the intersection, there was a whole lot of combat damage. The teams were Brian & Sadie, Spike & Daisy, Lauren & Sasha and Me & Silky. It was human drivers, dog gunners. The win would only go to the team that completed three laps. We all lasted longer than I would have thought, with Brian & Sadie going out at lap 2.25, Me & Silky going out at lap 2.33 and Spike & Daisy getting taken out at lap 2.75. Having miraculously kept 3 tires intact to the end (but no driver’s door, windshield or forward facing weaponry), Lauren & Sasha did a victory lap at 20 miles an hour.

(Sasha: It was superior driving & gunning all the way!)
(Daisy: You got lucky with that flaming oil.)

(Sadie: We were hosed when Doc & Silky forced us into the wall. Twice!)

(Silky: Yeah, but then we rolled our car and lost our gun turret.)

Once we all hit the sack, the bus drove up into the boondocks of western Ontario, a hundred odd miles north of the US border. We are near a lake, because in this part of Canada you can’t swing a dead beaver without hitting a lake. There is plenty of forest and it’s all really nice and I’m glad the bus knows where we are because I’m lost as hell. If a bunch of cavemen came by questing for fire, I would not be surprised.

Now it’s time to rouse our sleeping travel mates with the promise of a hearty breakfast. More bloggage soon.

11:30 am

Amazingly, despite appearing to be in the ass end of nowhere, we were in fact only 10 miles from a major highway and about 30 minutes from a small town with a great roadside attraction: a trained cat show. Note to self: jokes about well trained pussies are NOT well received by the women on this bus.

We arrived in the town of Burchord at 10:30, after breakfasting and looking at chipmunks.

(Flash: They were everywhere! Breakfast on the hoof, and me harnessed and leashed!)

(Lulu: And me restraining bolted!)

(Leon: It just ain’t right to hold a cat back!)

(Lulu: Or a robot dog!)

(Leon: Yeah!)

(Jazz: Why waste all that energy chasing rodents? Mom has about 15 kinds of cat food, plus fresh fish.)

(Roxy: I like chasing rodents for a couple of minutes, in a house or yard. But out there in the wilderness? No way!)

(Jazz: I know, right? There are wolves and coyotes and stuff out there, not to mention all the things that can get stuck in fur.)

The trained cats do their thing in the window of Burchord Hardware (established in 1890) and those cats are very well trained indeed. The walked a tightrope, ran an agility course, played soccer (we all wondered why it wasn’t hockey, but I guess the cats had trouble with the sticks) and did things like roll over, shake hands and dance. It was a great show and free. They do it at 11:00 am and 3:00 pm and it lasts about 20 minutes. T-shirts are only ten bucks.

(Sasha: Those were very talented cats, you bet.)

(Sadie: And very pretty, too.)

(Daisy: But not as pretty as Jazz!)

Our kitty contingent was, of course, unimpressed by the show. They pointed out that those cats couldn’t sing the blues (Jazz), write poetry (Roxy), use power armor (Flash) or steal a car (Leon). I suspect Leon & Avis will discuss that last confession.

(Flash: Aw, who hasn’t boosted a car or two?)
(Roxy: Not me!)

(Jazz: Oh, look, fresh cat food!)

(Leon: Well, apparently my mom hasn’t. She was upset with me.)

(Flash: Our mom has never stolen a car either. Dad, on the other paw…)

We are now back on the bus and will soon be collapsing the old timey wimey to get to Saskatchewan to see the World Famous Prairie House on Stilts. The folks at Roadside Canada Quarterly give it three out of four stars. More bloggage soon.

1:00 pm

OK, so about that house on stilts: it’s really high up on stilts! Like, 40 feet up. Of course, they are very stout concrete and steel stilts, one of which contains a big roomy elevator, but still, 40 FUCKIN’ FEET!

(Sadie: I got a kink in my neck looking up at it!)

The McAdams family (Ron, Jill and 3 cats) charge five bucks per person to tour the 3 bedroom, two bath house, which is very spacious and has a large deck with a great view of the surrounding prairie/farmland. The garage, naturally, is down on ground level. It’s a pretty remarkable place and best of all, Ron built it because “why not?”. A man after my own heart.

(Daisy: “Why not?” Translation: Because I’m crazy!)

By the way, your five buck admission gets you either a free bumper sticker or a fridge magnet. SCORE! Of course, the t-shirts are $10.00 each.

Right now, we are way up in northern Saskatchewan enjoying some trees and nature and stuff. A few minutes ago, we helped a young bear avoid some big trouble. It went like this…

Bear is walking along, minding his own business. We are 100 yards upwind and being quiet. He does not notice us.

We see that he is heading towards Mama Skunk and her four young ones.

Daisy says “Uh oh!”, then yells something in Bruin. Bear looks up at us, then starts loping away, toward the skunks.

Lulu takes off running and yelling in bruin. Bear gets scared, starts running. Skunks look up. Skunks start doing warning dance.

Bear is oblivious. Probably has never met a skunk.

Lulu grabs 300 pound bear by the scruff of the neck and drags him about 100 feet. Bear is frightened and yelling.

Lulu releases bear and, in Bruin, reads him the riot act. Bear runs off at top speed. Skunks also run off.

Lulu returns and we all thank her for helping the now in need of therapy bear.

Never a dull moment for us. And now, a bit more nature appreciation, then back on the road.

11:30 pm

We are now in Sasksatoon, where we will spend the night. After dinner, the whole bunch of us took a walk around this part of town, which is mostly a residential area. One old guy saw us all coming out of the bus (which from the outside is only 18 feet long) and asked if we weren’t awfully crowded in there. I let him take a peek inside, after which he seemed to want to get back inside his house really quickly.

After the walk, it was movie time in the Theater Room, where we watched a couple of alternate reality low budget monster movies. First up was “The Monster of Millville” (Goodwin Films, 1959), which looked a lot like a student film with maybe a $300 budget. The titular monster was a “mutation” caused by “atomic Z radiation”. It looked kind of like what you’d get if a gorilla, a duck and a frog has crazy irradiated sex, then had a baby. Best line of dialogue: “There’s an eight foot tall mutant somewhere in Millville and I’ll find it if it takes a year!”

The second feature was higher up on the budget scale, but not that high. It was “Torbo” (International United, 1963) and it was about a giant robotic lizard that trashed a town “somewhere in Arizona”. It also trashed a bunch of guys dressed up as Army personnel. The stop motion for Torbo was actually pretty good and the acting was better than expected. Best line of dialogue: “It’s not just a giant lizard. It’s a robot giant lizard.”

And now it’s time for the snoozing. More blogging tomorrow.

Destination Sign when we started: The Forbidden Forest

Destination Sign when we stopped: Rock & Roll High School

Music: Bow Wow Blues: Music for Dogs


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