The Seasonally Cheery, Yet Really Rather Darkly Foreboding, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Strange Case Of The Reindeer’s Nose

… featuring her younger cousin, Mabel Maroon

 

The Doclopedia #1,182

Send In The Clowns: Stabby, The Killer Clown

Stabby (real name: John Stabakowski) was a deranged young many from Encino, California, who wanted nothing more in life than to be a beloved children’s birthday party clown. Unfortunately, his choice of “Stabby” as a clown name, along with his black and red clown outfit, meant that most parents would not hire him. The best he could get was the occasional drunken frat party or adult Goth party.

When Stabby finally lost his fragile hold on sanity, he went into a homicidal rage. By the time he was shot (157 times!) by police, he has killed 43 people and made 81 balloon animals out of their intestines. He killed most of his victims by stabbing, although he did kill 7 people by stuffing them all into one Smart Car.

One result of Stabby’s rampage was that most cities in the area banned clowns. There are some people who think that makes Stabby a hero.

The Doclopedia #1,183

Send In The Clowns: Auntie HeeHee, The Dancing Clown

There were two things you noticed right away about Auntie HeeHee, the Dancing Clown: She was a hell of a good dancer and she loved to make folks laugh. Every day you could find her dancing down the streets of Cleveland, Ohio, making jokes, doing tricks and singing silly little songs. Everybody loved her and she attracted many tourists. The mayor even proclaimed May 15th as “Auntie HeeHee Day”. She got free meals and drinks anywhere in town. She went to schools and hospitals and made people forget their troubles for a while. She made national news and was interviewed many times.

But here’s the strange part: nobody seemed to know who Auntie HeeHee really was. She never revealed a single detail about herself and all attempts to follow her to a home (she always stopped her clowning at dark) failed. One reporter followed her as far as an alley, but when he got to it, she was gone. A news agency tried following her with a drone, but she went into a wooded area and the drone crashed into a tree. As of today, that news agency is offering a million dollar reward for her true identity. So far, nobody has claimed it. This could be because the citizens of Cleveland go out of their way to obstruct any efforts to unmask Auntie HeeHee.

It should also be noted that, as of December 2014, Auntie HeeHee has been clowning around for 90 years.

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