Chapter 305: In Which Our Hero Herds Sheep And Drinks Overly Sweet Wine While Eluding An Angry Scotsman

…although once the Scotsman saw the sheep, he calmed right down

 

TWO blog posts in one day? Thank Sasha for this one.

Sasha Explains It All

Reader Mail

Hi there, folks! For this entry, I thought that I might FINALLY get around to posting some answers to some of my voluminous reader mail, so here we go.

In an email, Ms. A. C. writes: “Just how big is the inside of the Magic Bus?”

A great question, but one that is not easily answered. See, certain of the rooms adjust their size depending upon how many people are on the bus. The living room is particularly adept at that. Then we have the problem of new rooms (like the Forest Room and the infamous Dungeon) popping in from time to time. And that damned Warehouse just will NOT allow you to get an accurate measurement!

The best ballpark figure I can give you (which does not include the area under the main living areas) is about 3 square miles.

A personal message from Robin asks: “How can you justify creating a nearly indestructible dog with such destructive tendencies, then giving an equally crazed cat a suit of power armor? Have you no morals? No conscience?”

Since that is actually a three part question, I shall answer each part in turn. A: I’m a Mad Scientist. We do not justify what we do, we do it because we can. Also, my sister was dying. B: Being mad means having a more “adaptable moral structure”, to quote my Dad. C: Nope, nope. Not a whole hell of a lot of conscience to speak of.

I hope that cleared things up.

Ms. Bonnie, from Seattle, asks: “Why are so many humans so fucked up?”

Man, talk about a question that could fill several books. Anyway, Bonnie, I think it mostly comes down to religion. When you have an idea that promotes one species above all others as special, then give that species one of the premiere creative brains on the planet, you are asking for trouble. It also doesn’t help that humans, like chimps, are a violent species. When you toss in politics (at least, human politics) and the damned near universal mammalian habit of males thinking with their dicks, you end up with some really bad hairless apes. We can only hope they wise up fast or, barring that, die off in droves.

An email from Justin asks: “Can you tell us about some alternate world Canadas?”

Sure, Justin! I’ll tell you a bit about three of them.

In the first Canada, there is no poutine or hockey. Neither one ever really caught on for some reason. It is a sad place to visit, although the sport of Bear Teasing is kind of fascinating to watch. By the way, 80 years into it, the score is Bears: 39,753 Humans: 0.

In the next Canada, the entire population of the UK and much of Ireland moved there when the British Isles sank into the ocean in 1835 thanks to the machinations of Professor Demonicus. Canada became the jewel of the British Empire, at least until the Empire exploded. Even today, it is the #2 superpower in the world, after the United States. Both nations work together to make sure that never changes.

The third Canada was invaded by Martians in 1950, but these Martians were only 3 feet tall and very friendly. There were only 278,000 of them and the were allowed to settle in the northern parts of Alberta and parts of the southern Northwest Territory. They soon fitted right in and became valued members of Canadian society. It didn’t hurt that their poop contains large quantities of precious metals and rare earths.

Well, folks, that’s all for now.

Until my next rant,


Dr. Sasha Jane Cross, PhD

 

Chickens Who Just Don’t Care

…such a terrible attitude, even for poultry

The Doclopedia #1,195
Bats, Man: Bat People From Venus

Lovers of shlock movie maestro Ed Z. Corman can argue about which of his low budget movies is best, but they all agree that “Bat People From Venus” is his worst. Indeed, the 1958 film is so bad, it has a whole weekend long festival dedicated to it and it’s actually much better 1960 sequel, “Bat Women From Mars”.

Filmed in seven days in the town of Gold Beach, Oregon, the film had a total budget of $20,000. The cast were all unknowns and many also served as the crew on the shoot. The script, such as it was, kept getting revised by Corman’s brother, Stanley, right up to the last day.

The plot has to do with “bat people” invading a small town as a spearhed to a much larger invasion from Venus. They are eventually stopped by local teenagers, an old science teacher and a very smart dog (Sam, a German Shepherd that got paid $700, more than any other cast member).

The makeup, costumes and special effects were slightly less well done than your average fifth grade play. At about the halfway point, the actress playing “Batella” is replaced by the actresses younger sister. The switch is never mentioned in the film. The whole movie runs only 81 minutes and ends rather abruptly because the money had run out.

Despite all of that, the movie grossed nearly $250,000 and allowed Corman to spend nearly $60,000 on the sequel, which itself earned nearly half a million dollars.

Dogs Reading Books, Cats Taking Photos, Canaries Doing Yoga

…Downward Finch is a hard position to master

 

The Doclopedia #1,194

Bats, Man: Micro Bats

Earth 11 is nicknamed War Earth and that is a damned accurate description. As of the current year of 2023, pretty much the entire planet is wracked by hundreds of wars. Communist vs Capitalist vs Facist, Male vs Female, Old vs Young, different states & countries vs each other, all the various religions vs each other and vs science, DC fans vs Marvel fans…the planet is a mess. And these are no shit shooting wars, folks, not just some arguments being called a war. Nobody is sure of the exact cause of all of these wars, but most historians agree that it all started around 1900 and involved the newspapers owned by William Randolph Hearst and Joseph Pulitzer.

If there is a winner in all of this (and there really isn’t, although the greatly reduced human population kind of helps the ravaged ecosystem), it is science. Not scientists. Those fuckers are waging battles over all sorts of shit. But science itself has advanced by huge leaps. Which explains the newest and potentially most game changing weapon yet developed: Micro Bats.

Developed by a team of Liberal Capitalist Twentysomething Bisexual Female Jewish West Coast Caucasian Omnivore Roboticists who are fans of Star Trek, Werewolves, Deep Dish Pizza, Disney Animation & Fantasy Novels (detailed identification is crucial on War Earth), Micro Bats are turning the tide in many wars. Especially those involving Liberals, Capitalists, Twentysomethings, Bisexuals, Females, Jews, West Coasters, Caucasians, Omnivores, Roboticists, Star Trek Fans, Werewolf Fans, Deep Dish Pizza Lovers, Disney Animation Fans & Fantasy Novels Fans.

Micro Bats are honey bee sized robot bats that can fly at up to 75 miles an hour, sense & evade or even jam radar, release any number of chemical agents, emit sonic screams that can deafen or even kill, chew through stone, be used as mobile vidcams and, if need be, explode. They are usually sent out in groups of 200 or more, but for spy missions, groups as small as five might be used.

In recent days, the use of Micro Bats has caused a Chinese aircraft carrier to sink, a plasma cannon installation to open friendly fire on a bomber full of nerve gas (so long, people of Bilbao), 900 East Coast Straight Male Communist Chinese Food Loving Sci-Fi Fans to more or less melt and the population of Leeds to abandon their homes. They also shut down both the World Cup and the Super Bowl, leading to a total of five billion dollars in reward money to be offered for the perpetrators, dead or alive.

Anthropologists and behaviorists from other realities are excited about the introduction of Micro Bats on this war ravaged planet. Many papers should be published soon.

The Totally Unrelated To Football, Yet Still Very Competitive, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Bathtub Full Of Guacamole

…co-starring her pet skink Malcolm

The Doclopedia #1,193

Bats, Man: Giant Fruit Bat

The Giant Fruit Bats of Orzongeelo are found only in that steaming and jungle choked land. Measuring a full 7 feet long from nose to tail tip and having a 16 foot wingspan, they are the largest bats on Earth 444. Active in the daylight, they travel in groups of up to 40. They are known to eat no less than 43 types of fruits (including the truly horrid tasting florp apple) and 27 kinds of pollen rich flowers. Despite their flower eating ways, they are among the jungle’s most necessary pollinators.

Both feared and worshiped by the primitive tribes of Orzongeelo, the bats are in fact very sweet tempered and gentle. Pairs mate for life and raise 2 to 4 pups every other year. Both parents share in taking care of the young for a full year.

The main predator of Giant Fruit Bats is the Giant Leaping Tarantula, which hides in trees and ambushes the bats.