Dogs Reading Books, Cats Taking Photos, Canaries Doing Yoga

…Downward Finch is a hard position to master

 

The Doclopedia #1,194

Bats, Man: Micro Bats

Earth 11 is nicknamed War Earth and that is a damned accurate description. As of the current year of 2023, pretty much the entire planet is wracked by hundreds of wars. Communist vs Capitalist vs Facist, Male vs Female, Old vs Young, different states & countries vs each other, all the various religions vs each other and vs science, DC fans vs Marvel fans…the planet is a mess. And these are no shit shooting wars, folks, not just some arguments being called a war. Nobody is sure of the exact cause of all of these wars, but most historians agree that it all started around 1900 and involved the newspapers owned by William Randolph Hearst and Joseph Pulitzer.

If there is a winner in all of this (and there really isn’t, although the greatly reduced human population kind of helps the ravaged ecosystem), it is science. Not scientists. Those fuckers are waging battles over all sorts of shit. But science itself has advanced by huge leaps. Which explains the newest and potentially most game changing weapon yet developed: Micro Bats.

Developed by a team of Liberal Capitalist Twentysomething Bisexual Female Jewish West Coast Caucasian Omnivore Roboticists who are fans of Star Trek, Werewolves, Deep Dish Pizza, Disney Animation & Fantasy Novels (detailed identification is crucial on War Earth), Micro Bats are turning the tide in many wars. Especially those involving Liberals, Capitalists, Twentysomethings, Bisexuals, Females, Jews, West Coasters, Caucasians, Omnivores, Roboticists, Star Trek Fans, Werewolf Fans, Deep Dish Pizza Lovers, Disney Animation Fans & Fantasy Novels Fans.

Micro Bats are honey bee sized robot bats that can fly at up to 75 miles an hour, sense & evade or even jam radar, release any number of chemical agents, emit sonic screams that can deafen or even kill, chew through stone, be used as mobile vidcams and, if need be, explode. They are usually sent out in groups of 200 or more, but for spy missions, groups as small as five might be used.

In recent days, the use of Micro Bats has caused a Chinese aircraft carrier to sink, a plasma cannon installation to open friendly fire on a bomber full of nerve gas (so long, people of Bilbao), 900 East Coast Straight Male Communist Chinese Food Loving Sci-Fi Fans to more or less melt and the population of Leeds to abandon their homes. They also shut down both the World Cup and the Super Bowl, leading to a total of five billion dollars in reward money to be offered for the perpetrators, dead or alive.

Anthropologists and behaviorists from other realities are excited about the introduction of Micro Bats on this war ravaged planet. Many papers should be published soon.

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