Albert, The Chicken Faced Boy

…most popular guy in the freak show

The Doclopedia #1,209

And Now, A Word From Our Sponsors: Uncle Tubby’s Porkburgers

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With 16 locations to serve you, you’re never far from an Uncle Tubby’s Porkburger! Open from 6 am until midnight, 7 days a week!

The Journal Of The American Society Of Earwax Collectors

…with a circulation of 32!

Sasha Explains It All

Reader Mail

Hi there, folks! Time for another go at reader mail.

Kyle Miller asks: “Do fish sleep?”

A good question, Kyle. Turns out, fish don’t sleep like humans and other mammals, birds, reptiles or amphibians. They do slow down all bodily functions from time to time, sort of going into suspended animation, but nope, they don’t actually sleep.

Now, that’s here on our Earth. Over on Earth 17, there is a fish called the Sand Snoozing Cod that actually comes into very shallow sandy coves and does indeed fall right to sleep for about 5 hours out of every 30. They even snore! To protect themselves during this vulnerable time, they excrete a deadly poisonous mucus that spreads all over their bodies.

Carol Robinson want to know about the canine sense of smell: “Can your beautiful species smell intentions? Can you tell when someone is up to no good as opposed to someone who loves you at first sight?”

First off, Carol, thank you for the compliment about my species. And the answer is a definite yes. Dogs can smell bad folks and good folks pretty easily. We know if you are up to no good or are a nice person. Generally, bad people smell of fear and sometimes insanity. Also booze, drugs and filth. Nice people smell like, well, you humans have no word for it, but in canine it would be “roowurf”. It’s a good smell.

The big problem is that we dogs are fighting about 20,000 years of wanting to cut you humans slack and be with you. That’s why some dogs stick with bad humans and other dogs fear everyone. It’s not that different than mental illness in humans or whatever it is that makes people stick with abusive mates or parents or vote for the same scumbags over & over. It sucks, but there it is.

As you no doubt know, we dogs can smell all manner of things you can’t. And wolves can smell stuff we can’t, at huge distances. Of course, wolves are often arrogant wankers, but man, can they catch a scent.

In a somewhat less than serious vein,
Joshua Simon wants to know: “Has anyone fed you in the last three weeks?”

Well of course they have. We get fed four times a day, plus a Milkbone or other treat at midday. Most days it’s dog food, sometimes dry, sometimes mixed with a delicious sauce (our dad makes an excellent Stinky Sauce). Recently, the Parental Units have been mixing in delicious cooked lentils. Yum Yum!

The problem is that the portions are never enough to satisfy our doggie lust for food. There is also the fact that Mom & Dad eat delicious human food right in front of us and almost never share. However, this seems to be a common human trait, so I guess we can’t change it.

My Auntie Avis Crane wants to know: Why is the sky blue?

As you well know, Auntie Avy, the sky is blue because we see it after certain wavelengths of light have been scattered by particles in the air. Now, some folks not involved in the hard sciences will tell you that in the past, people did not see a blue sky because they had no word for blue. These folks are as full of shit as a well fed hog. Blue has always been there, but those old humans just didn’t know how to describe it. A bunch of stuff was there that they didn’t have a word for, like germs, radiation and lead poisoning. Ancient humans were not nearly as smart as modern man thinks they were. Of course, modern man is pretty damned stupid, too.

Now we dogs, as well as many other animals, have also always seen blue (and yellow & grey), but we had a word for it: wefif. Just as an aside, I’d like to point out that once dogs like me become Smart, certain pysiological changes occur that let us see the rest of the colors. I can tell you that seeing green grass and red flowers for the first time was quite the mindblower, yessir.

If you ever want to hear a REALLY strange description of the world, talk to a swarm of bees. It has to be a swarm, the bigger the better. They see all sorts of goofyass colors.

Ok, folks, that’s it for this session. Good questions.

Until my next rant,

Sasha Jane Cross, PhD

A Mink On The Brink Begins To Drink And Think

…and yes, stink.

CatCon 8

Day 12: In which we head home, but only after hitting a brand new roadside attraction.

So, we interrupted out trip home (actually, our trip to Spike & Mary’s) with a stop at the, you guessed it, World Famous Sex Toy Museum. As museums go, this one is both fascinating and a bit repetitive. I mean, you see one dildo, you’ve seen them all, right? Well, except for the one from ancient Egypt and the solid gold one and the one that looked less like a dick and more like a snake.

One thing you learn is that not only has vibrator technology improved, but sex toy technology in general has improved. One look at a blow up sex doll from 1980 next to one from today will prove that.

So we bought the t-shirts and stuff and took pictures standing next to the 30 FOOT TALL DILDO in the lobby. Quite a way to remember our visit.

After we took Spike & Mary home, we started back toward California. About 10 minutes later, Avis popped out of our universe and we used some gadget of Sasha’s to send Leon home.

(Sasha: It was a goddamn TELEPORTER, Daddy! You knew that. “Gadget”…HRUMPH!”)

We are all home now and relaxing, another trip to Critter City on the books. We hope you enjoyed this years report, even if it was a bit shorter than in past years.

Doc out.

CatCon 8 is over

but the Cross Family & Friends will be back next year for…

DogCon 9

The Almost Certainly True, But Still Damned Hard To Believe, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Singing Dugongs

…co-starring her mom, Mostly Green Josephine

CatCon 8

Day 11, Con Day 4: It’s all about the pie!

The convention is almost over and, as we do every year, we had big fun. Last night’s Old Time Radio shows went of without a hitch and were very well received. Next year, the con staff wants to do Old Time Radio broadcasts all 4 days of the con, from noon to midnight. AND, they want to do a different decade every day. I volunteered to do a late 60’s freeform FM show.

(Silky: I’m looking forward to that.)

As we do every year, Spike & I (this year joined by Peter, Brian and 4 others) took part in the two hour “Ask A GM ANYTHING event. This year was another treasure trove of questions ranging from goofy to well thought out. Most fun question? “Can you read from a rulebook like a preacher reads from the Bible?” We used the first edition AD&D books, mostly quoting Gary Gygax at his most verbose and, dare I say, preachy. I gave my reading a real old fashioned fire & brimstone treatment.

(Daisy: Daddy got several “Amens” and even healed three people of their addiction to house rules.)

We also did the “I Love It/I Hate It” event. As one might expect with a room full of over 500 geeks, there was a wide variety of things to hate or love.

And now, Gentle Readers, we are about to head into the Post-Con Cooldown Party, which many of you will remember is a huge pie eating festival. This year, they have 50 different kinds of pie. Since we have an ever full ice creal locker, we supplied 50 kinds of ice cream. I predict many full tummies.

(Sasha: One of which will be mine.)

After going comatose from pie eating, we will get on the bus and head to the “Oklatexas RV Park”, up on the state line. Tomorrow, everyone goes home and this trip is a wrap.

Blog ya later, alligators!

The Pastry Goblins Attack The Ice Cream Dwarves!

…it’s war!

CatCon 8

Day 10, Con Day 3: It’s all about the Old Time Radio!

Very quick report today, kids!

Breakfast: Ate at Mistress Diana’s Breakfast Dungeon. Great food and the décor is quite eye opening.

(Daisy: WOAH! WTF?)

(Leon: And humans laugh at us because we lick our butts?)

Seminars: Went to two. Sasha went to one. Daisy moderated one on “Gming for a Human Group”

(Daisy: I had a full house for mine!)

Games: I played in one, Sasha in one, Silky in three, Daisy in two.

(Silky: To be fair, mine were all short demos.)

Other Fun: The girls and Sadie & Leon are going to the Pets Only Amusement Park tonight.

(Daisy: Sasha has a date with a foxhound!)

Lunch: Hot Dogs from Ed’s Big Weenie

(Silky: Mom & Auntie Mary giggled the whole time.)

Buying: Too much to list.

(Sasha: Because you know we don’t own enough games already.)

(Silky: Says the dog that owns 8 Cadillacs.)

Rehearsing: TWO Old Time Radio shows. “The Adventures of Doc Mystery” and “At Home With The Geekmans”

Dinner: Ate with a big group at Taco The Town.

(Leon: Fish tacos = love.)

Leaving now for the big broadcast. Afterward, it’s the Game & Dance Party.

More blog-o-rama tomorrow.