…co-starring her pet squid, Mr. Calimari
The Doclopedia #1,212
Letter I Have Written: To A Girlfriend
By now you have realized that I flew the coop sometime between when you fell asleep and when you woke up. Actually, it was at 2:10 am, but that doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you and I have come to a parting of the ways that I decided not to tell you about in advance, largely because of that pistol you keep in your nightstand.
It’s not you, baby, it’s me. Well, okay, it’s partly you, but nothing based upon your looks or age, both of which are totally excellent. No, it’s just that I’m not a settling down kind of guy and even if I was, I would not be into settling down in a tiny pissant village in East Texas. I’m also not really into the whole Southern thing. Really, sweetie, I’m at the point where I’m crapping cornbread and pissing sweet tea and I want to strangle the next person that asks if I’ll be at church next Sunday.
So, anyway, it’s all for the best. You’ll be happier without me, though it might take a few years to reach that point. I’ll be off somewhere living a miserable life where people don’t drown everything in gravy after deep frying it, comforting myself with women who are so below you that I might have to use two or three at a time.
I only took what I had on me when we met, plus that case of beer. And that bottle of bourbon. And the dog. And that $200 we had set aside for a trip to New Orleans.
Don’t hate me. If you do hate me, please don’t come looking for me, especially not drunk and armed.