The Really Quite Spiffy, Yet Not Overly Sappy, Story of Mostly Purple Patty And The Dancing Frogs

…co-starring her great aunt Francesca Fruitbowl


The Doclopedia #1,214

Potion Recipes: Potion Of Fast Running

(From the Spring 1660 issue of Wizards & Witches Illustrated)

Greetings, loyal readers! Auntie Eugenia is back with another great recipe designed to bestow amazing speed on anyone who drinks it. Here is what you’ll need.

A 3 gallon cauldron

2 gallons of fresh spring water

1 large iron spoon

1 large spoon carved from the rib bone of an ox that was killed on a moonless night

2 cups of honey

1 cup of urine (WARNING: Do NOT use your own urine of that of anybody you care for!)

The left wing of a Blue Darting Butterfly

1 pinch of dried and ground eye of newt (the old standbys never go out of style)

3 pinches of beach sand

And, of course, three drops of your own blood

Bring water, urine & honey to a boil while chanting the Chant of Great Magic. Feel free to dance about while chanting.

Once it begins to boil, stir clockwise 9 times with the wooden spoon.

Add the beach sand and eye of newt while concentrating of a running rabbit, or, if you choose, a running hare.

While stirring anticlockwise with the bone spoon, recite Merlin’s 4th Law and drop in the butterfly wing. The whole contents of the cauldron should turn milky blue and dissolve the bone spoon.

Now, recite this: “Fast, fast, like a windy blast!” while pricking your finger (NOT fingering your prick, like the late Donar the Dyslexic did) and adding the 3 drops of blood. The whole batch should now become crystal clear.

Lower the heat and reduce the liquid to one pint. This could take a few hours.

The remaining pint will yield 4 vials of potion. Store in a cool, dark place.