The California Kid Slides Into Home

…he was not, however, playing baseball

 

The Doclopedia # 1,232

The Potawango Island Bestiary, Part Two: Gong Cows

 

From the notebook of Dr. Thaddeus Silkmelon:

 

After our grisly encounter with the Carnivorous Fig Tree yesterday, we were very much pleased to have a far more pleasant encounter this morning when our breakfast was interrupted by a species I have named Gong Cows.

 

Looking for all the world like Holstein cattle whose black & white had been replaced by yellow & blue, these gentle creatures strolled into camp to have a look around. We fed them some bread and biscuits and petted them. They, in turn, smelled us and seemed to generally approve of us.

It was as they began to leave out camp that they began making gong-like sounds ranging from rather deep to rather high and tinny. Miss Abigail remarked that it sounded just slightly more melodic than somebody dropping a load of assorted pie pans off a second story balcony. The rest of us tended to agree with her assessment.

All About Jovian Cloud Demons

…a book for children

 

 

The Doclopedia # 1,231

The Potawango Island Bestiary, Part Two: Carnivorous Fig Tree
From the notebook of Dr. Thaddeus Silkmelon:

 

Today, we walked many pleasant miles to the edge of the foothills that lead up into what I have named the Sierra Potawango Mountains. However, our pleasant day was brought to an abrupt halt when we encountered a particularly deadly form of plant life, the Carnivorous Fig Tree.

 

We had decided to stop near a small lake for a late lunch and Colonel Orpington remarked that not far away was a fine large fig tree laden with ripe fruit. We all stood looking at it as it’s branches swayed in the wind. Just then, a large elk approached the tree to partake of the fruit. He had just bitten into one when two things occurred.

 

First, Abner noted that there was no wind blowing. Then, the tree sprang to life, it’s branches grabbing hold of the elk and raising it up above the trunk. It then proceeded to first crush the life out of the poor beast, then rip it apart and drop the pieces into some orifice in the crown of the tree. It was a horrible sight to see. Within minutes, the deed was done and the tree went back to looking like a normal fig tree.

We vacated the area and had our lunch an hour later.

Chapter 917: In Which Our Hero, Clad Only In A Modest Nightshirt, Has Difficulty Exiting A School For Young Ladies

…they kept tackling him

 

 

The Adventures of Captain Flame #3

The Grand Square of the Most Glorious City of Mabuuth was always busy, regardless of the hour of the day. There were hundreds of market stalls, dozens of taverns and inns, brothels, gambling halls and a hundred other business. There were also scores of tax collectors and agents of the Customs House, to say nothing of the City Guard. The latter were a presence throughout the Square and consisted of men and women you would definitely not want to piss off.

The bulk of Mabuuth’s, and Ardovia’s, population was human. The remainder was made up of Sea Elves, the odd looking Koboldin and a smattering of other humanoid races, none of whom were reptilian. That would be why all eyes in the immediate area turned to watch the Speaker’s Spire as Huma Dnilok, a Dragonborn, Climbed the 100 Steps of Free Speech. He was dressed in the full armor of a paladin of Bahamut and followed by a beautiful young human woman dressed in modest white robes. Once they reached the top, the paladin looked down upon the crowd, pressed the stone that would carry his voice throughout the Square and began speaking.

“Hear me, good people of Mabuuth, for I am here to tell you of a reckoning! Yes, a reckoning for your sins! I speak to you of the COMING OF BAHAMUT!”

Exactly one and a half miles away, a slightly pudgy and somewhat ordinary young human woman stepped into the Imperial Museum of Ardovia. She was accompanied by her husband, who was a tall muscular fellow, and her two young daughters. After paying the 8 coppers entrance fee, the four of them began wandering through the museum in the same manner as all the rest of the museum goers. Nobody spoke until they had reached the Hall of the Ancients.

“This is it, mates.” The mother may have looked chubby and domestic, but her voice, was far more commanding than one might expect. “Mister Vorastrix, Miss Arpagig, When we reach the display, you know what to do. Miss Caldwell, prepare to get to work.”

All three of them said a quiet “Aye, Captain before starting off down the hall.

At Speaker’s Spire, Dnilok was really getting into his speech. If he could show even one of these sinful humans the path to redemption via worshiping Bahamut, it would be a day well spent.

Below him, the vast majority of the sinners were more interested in how he looked, not what he was saying. Dragonborn seldom made it to Ardovia and never had one come here dressed as a paladin and preaching. This was a day to tell your grandchildren about.

The young lady standing behind Dnilok gave a quiet cough and the paladin knew he would not get to tell the story of Bahamut and the Wandering Merchant. Pity, because it was one of his favorites. Still, that cough was the agreed upon signal that in about three minutes, things were going to get very lively up at the museum. What was the term Miss Joplin had used? Ah, yes, “the shit will hit the fan”. Another strange human saying.

He continued his speech with renewed vigor.

Zeezee And The Difficult Pie

…it just would not cooperate

 

 

Another short post tonight because it is late and I’m tired

As I mentioned the other day, I’m replacing old posts with new and hopefully interesting ones. These will be tagged in different ways, but my first one, from April of 2004 is up with the tag DOC FACTS. Other revised posts may get that tag or others. Anyway, go check it out and learn about my pet duck, Duck.

The Pancake Goblins And The Ice Cream Dwarves Go To War!

…it’s a really great smelling war

 

 

The Doclopedia # 1,230

The Potawango Island Bestiary, Part Two: Gooey Wallaby

 

From the notebook of Dr. Thaddeus Silkmelon:

 

Today we continued our trek through the temperate forests and fields of this northern part of the island. The more I stroll along, the more I am reminded of the Mediterranean climate regions found in the rest of the world, especially in California. There are many large oaks here and it being springtime, wildflowers everywhere. There is also an abundance of wildlife, especially birds. Sadly, one species of wildlife was the cause of much aggravation to my dear friend, Abner Porkwaffle..

Around 10 in the morning, we saw a group of wallabys grazing in a small clearing. They looked much like any other medium sized species of wallaby, being a light brown with gray on the stomach and face. There were 18 individuals, mostly females with joeys in their pouches. They watched us, but like many creatures on this island, showed no fear.

Abner was taking photos of them, getting closer at what I considered an overly cautious speed. At some point, he must have crossed a line since they entire group began hopping rapidly toward him and, as we all noticed, oozing some sort of clear and highly pungent fluid from their bodies.

 

By the time they overtook poor Abner, they were fairly dripping this gooey substance. As he flailed about trying to drive them off (the smell gave the rest of us pause in helping him), the wallabys rubbed themselves on him, coating him in goo from head to foot. Not once did they try to bite, claw or kick him. Once he was covered and retching, the lot of them hopped off, the goo rapidly crystallizing and falling from their fur.

The goo on Abner did the same thing, but not for over an hour. Once crystallized, it had no smell and neither did Abner, I’m glad to say. However, his temper for the remainder of the day was indeed quite foul.

Human Slippers For Bunnies

…not made from real humans

 

365 DAYS, 365 POSTS #21

 

The Doclopedia # 1,229

The Potawango Island Bestiary, Part Two: Pole Dancing Lemurs

 

From the notebook of Dr. Thaddeus Silkmelon:

 

I am constantly amazed by this island. The animal and plant life are a constant source of wonder. However, even the very land itself is an incredible puzzlement. I speak, of course, of the size of Potawango Island.

The earliest known mention of the island comes from the log of a fishing boat blown off course from the southern Philippines in 1120 AD. If one sifts through the rather hyperbolic text, one finds that they estimated the island, which the captain swore had never been there before, to be 40 miles long and 20 miles across. Of course, their measurements are suspect due to all the running in panic that they did.

The next mention of the islands size comes from 1356, when the Chinese explorer Ying Ko sailed around it and pronounced it 50 miles across and almost completely circular. This, however, does not match up with any other description of the island. I will point out here that he also encountered the island almost 600 miles northeast of where the Filipinos found it. Had Ying Ko not written descriptions of both the Screaming Hyraxes and the Man-Eating Oysters, I would have discounted his report out of hand.

In 1688, the “Dona Maria”, a Spanish merchantman, was caught in a typhoon and blown far into the Pacific. After 4 days of sailing west, they came to Potawango Island and spent several days here while sailing around it. Their very accurate maps depict an island 130 miles long and anywhere from 40 to 90 miles across. They describe the interior, or rather what they could see from various beaches, as ranging from tall snow capped mountains to steaming jungles to vast swamps.

Finally, we come to the ill fated expedition of Grackle and Thubbley in 1853. A sad bit of history, that. Captain Grackle and Professor Thubbley set off with two ships and an expedition crew of 60 sailors. Two years later, Professor Thubbley and 8 sailors were rescued from a large raft just off the coast of central Chile. All of them were hopelessly insane and swore that they had been gone for over 10 years. Thubbley was in possession of excellent maps which showed an island 35 miles long by 12 miles wide. Despite having longitudes and latitudes. The ensuing rescue mission for the remaining members of the party found no island.

I recount all of the above to explain that we are now camped some 100 miles inland from the coast and north of the highlands we had visited previously, a distance that we should not have been able to travel given our charting of the island as we initially sailed around it. Indeed, we should be about 45 miles out to sea, not gazing north at high mountains that remind me of the Sierra Nevada range of California.

But enough of that, I am writing today of a new species of lemur that we encountered yesterday. These lemurs were slightly larger than the Ringtailed Lemur of Madagascar and had no rings on the tail. The creatures are colored a warm reddish brown except on their faces and abdomens, where they are a cream color. The eyes of the females are blue, while the male’s eyes are brown. In almost all ways, these lemurs behave like most other forest dwelling lemurs. I say “almost” because they have a mating ritual unlike anything I have ever seen before.

To describe it, I as you to imagine an area where several bamboo plants grow about 4 feet from one another. This species of bamboo is about the thickness of a broomstick and grows 7 to 9 feet tall. In the early afternoon, many male lemurs gather around this area to watch female lemurs dance about the poles and do complex and frankly erotic movements on them. I must say that several of us were a bit scandalized, although Miss Abigail seemed to watch with great intent, nodding every so often and taking some notes in her journal.

As the dancing progresses, the male lemurs become more and more aroused until, in a full state of erection, those possessed of the greatest, umm, equippage, grab a female and carry her off for an hour or more of very loud mating. Once all those females are taken, new ones arrive. This continues until nobody is left dancing or watching.

As I said, a quite singular event that we have dubbed “pole dancing”.

White Dogs, Pink Cats, Orange Ducks

…all living in harmony

 

365 DAYS, 365 POSTS #20

 

The Doclopedia # 1,228

The Potawango Island Bestiary, Part Two: Giant Yellow Bunnies

 

From the notebook of Dr. Thaddeus Silkmelon:

 

After our decidedly unnerving encounter with the Octocobragator, our party today decided to go in search of a much less aggressive species, the Giant Yellow Bunnies.

Native to the grasslands of the northwest portion of the island, the Giant Yellow Bunnies are peaceful and even friendly creatures about the size of a Saint Bernard dog. The yellow of their fur ranges from a very pale shade to a vivid yellow-orange and they live in groups of from 10 to 40, migrating to follow new growths of grass and flowers.

At the crack of dawn, Pagoona, Abner, Miss Abigail, Smiffy, Percy and myself set out by horse drawn cart through the Blue Hills, the Walking Forest and around Lake Bakakuni to the grasslands, a trip that took several hours. During that time, we sighted Kangaroo Apes, Belching Turkeys, Spraying Mantises and Luminous Parakeets.

Eventually, we arrived at the grasslands just before dark and began setting up our camp. About an hour later, as we were enjoying an excellent stew that Mrs Hardapple had sent with us, we spied the first few bunnies emerging from their burrows. After only a few minutes, the full group of 28 individuals was out and eating. The huge size of an animal he was used to giving chase to had Percy quite befuddled. Wisely, he chose not to attempt chasing any of the Giant Yellow Bunnies.

The huge rabbits seemed not to care that we were there and, in fact, three of the 50 pound young ones came over to give us a sniff. They allowed us to pet them and their fur was very short and soft, not unlike a stuffed animal toy.

After a bit, we were able to approach the adults and pet them. Imagine our surprise when they began to purr like enormous cats. It was quite something to hear and I must report that it was at this point that Percy could no longer contain himself and began running toward the herd while barking his most feared bark. The bunnies, however, were not only unimpressed by this show of canine bluster, two of the large males actually sprayed Percy with urine. This put an immediate stop to his aggression and caused the rest of us to spend the night either bathing him in the creek (myself) or trying to sooth his bruised ego (everyone else).

Doc Tempest: Killer Surf

…from the May, 1964 issue

 

365 DAYS, 365 POSTS #19

The Doclopedia # 1,227

The Potawango Island Bestiary, Part Two: Octocobragator

From the notebook of Dr. Thaddeus Silkmelon:

As we have come to find out via several thankfully non-lethal encounters, Potawango Island can be as deadly as it is wonderful. Today, we saw just how deadly it could be when we went looking for, and found, the Octocobragator.

As the name implies, this creature has aspects of an octopus (4 tentacles and the ability to alter it’s coloring in the blink of an eye), cobra (serpentine body and flaring hood on the neck) and alligator (very tough hide and a long snout full of razor sharp teeth).

So deadly are these great beasts that there are never more than two or three on the entire island. The frequent coastal wetlands and never venture too far from brackish water. They will eat anything they can catch, including smaller members of their species.

Our encounter took place when our guide, Pagoona, finally relented and agreed to take us to see what the natives have many times referred to as the “Devil Beast”. Accompanied by Abner, Miss Abigail and Colonel Orpington, we spent a good three hours hiking along the southern red sand beaches before we came to the edge of a large salt marsh. Fortunately, our side of it rose up into some hills, which we decided to use so as to better survey the marsh.

 

Several minutes of looking through binoculars made us aware that this marsh seemed quite low on animal life. This caused Pagoona some distress because he said that the Devil Beast was eating more than usual because it would soon bear young. He also said that during these times, the creatures would venture out of the marsh to hunt.

No sooner did he say that, than Miss Abigail remarked upon a large log that lay at the bottom of our hill at the marsh’s edge, stating that it had not been there earlier. We all looked and at that moment, the Octocobragator shed it’s disguise and came up the hill at us. The speed of this 50 foot long creature was astounding. Pagoona hurled his spear at it and gave it only a glancing blow. Colonel Orpington fired his rifle, but the beast was twisting and turning so that he only got it near the tail.

It was making a beeline for Miss Abigail and myself when Abner, who has never been a model of fearlessness, leaped upon it’s neck and began bashing at it’s eye with a rock. This caused it to thrash about a bit before it grabbed him with two tentacles and hoisted him into the air. The head, now minus a working eye, turned toward him with deadly intent.

 

Fortunately, before it could bite him, Colonel Orpington got off another shot that removed a large part of the head from the body. The beast thrashed about violently and tossed Abner several feet into a bush. He was bruised and has a few small cuts, but was otherwise unharmed.

I was about to suggest taking some samples from it when the abdomen split open and no less than two dozen small Octocobragators poured out. Thankfully, the 2 foot long creatures headed directly toward the marsh at high speed. Pagoona assured us that within a fortnight, less that 5 would still be alive due to cannibalism.

We returned to our camp somewhat shaken, so Miss Hardapple made us all a very stiff drink before dinner. Miss Abigail insisted on Abner having a rest after she tended his wounds and comforted him. Perhaps he was more badly shaken than I thought, since it is now an hour later and she is still in his tent comforting him.

The Secret War Between Spoons and Forks

…the knives stay out of it

 

365 DAYS, 365 POSTS #18

 

The final Earth 5C entry. A new theme will be coming soon.

The Doclopedia #1,226

Who Are You On Earth 5C: Mark A. Schmidt

Mark A. Schmidt…oh man, I wish I could tell you what he is like on Earth 5C, but I can’t. If I did, the black helicopters would come or Grace would find me in the shower with a broken neck due to “slipping on a bar of soap” or I might just disappear, never to be heard from. So don’t even ask. Hell, don’t even THINK his name too long. I’m serious, dude.

If you visit Earth 5C, just enjoy the sights and have fun. Don’t ask about him ever! Some people did ask, you know. Who? Jimmy Hoffa, Bobby Kennedy, Malcom X, Janis Joplin, Tupac, David Bowie…the list is long, dude. Just don’t even mention him.

 

 

The Rare And Beautiful Turnip Eating Rat Of Potawango Island

…the burp in harmony at night

 

365 DAYS, 365 POSTS #17

 

The Doclopedia #1,225

Who Are You On Earth 5C: Kyle Miller

Although hundreds of millions, if not billions, know Kyle Miller’s artwork, far fewer know his name. You see, Kyle is an artist specializing in album cover artwork. Well, mostly CD covers and posters nowadays, but from the mid 70s to the late 80s, he did some of the greatest album covers of all time.

Perhaps Kyle’s best known cover is for the three record set of “Blues Wind”, the 1979 electric blues album by Jimi Hendrix. He won several awards, including a Grammy, for it. Another was the cover to “Woodstock 5”, which he thought up, drew and then colored in just under 48 hours.

Kyle now lives in Hawaii with his wife and 2 dogs. In his spare time, he enjoys roleplaying games, cooking and telling young people that today’s music sucks.

Potholes On The Road To Nowhere

…and they never get fixed

 

365 DAYS, 365 POSTS #16

 

The Doclopedia #1,224

Who Are You On Earth 5C: Avis Crane

Producer, director, writer and sometimes even camerawoman…that is Avis Crane, the richest, most famous and most celebrated person in the adult film industry.

So well crafted are the films she makes, so well written with compelling and interesting stories, so well directed that she has sold the remake rights to no less than 25 of her films to big Hollywood studios so they can remake them minus the sex. Her movies are wildly popular in 87 countries and have made her a billionaire. From her straight sex movies like “Thigh Society” to her gay movies like “Sailors & Seamen” to her rare forays into kink like “Spankenstein”, the films of Avis Crane are all big budget affairs that often attract actors from outside the adult film world.

Recently, Avis, who is now 62 years old, has said that she might leave the adult movies to “the younger crowd” and start directing mainstream films. Her millions of fans hope this is not true.

Pickled Squid Sandwich

…just as disgusting as it sounds

 

365 DAYS, 365 POSTS #15

 

The Doclopedia #1,223

Who Are You On Earth 5C: Kim Marshall

The Kim Marshall of Earth 5C is a kindly middle aged woman, a housewife in Toronto, Canada and the Queen of Canadian Crime.

It all started when Kin was newly married and pregnant with the first of her 7 children and got bored just sitting around the house. One day, she planned out a smuggling operation to bring American games and comics into Canada without paying various duties and taxes. It looked so doable, Kim convinced several college boys from the frat house down the street to do it. In no time, she was very rich and using the money to finance other crimes or take over rival criminal gangs.

By the time her youngest child, Angus, was 7 years old, Kim totally controlled all the Crime in Canada. Now, 10 years later as her youngest is almost ready to leave home, Kim has turned her thoughts toward taking control of Crime in the USA.

Is Your Steamer Duck Getting Enough Mental Stimulation?

…if not, try giving them crossword puzzles

365 DAYS, 365 POSTS #14

 

Movies I REALLY Want To See

Doctor Strange: Everything I’ve seen and heard about this movie tells me it is going to rock. I know they probably won’t go as visually trippy as Steve Ditko did in the early years of the comic, but even halfway will be cool enough. Cumberbatch looks good and despite them keeping a tight lid on it, you just know Mads Mikkelson is going to play Dormmamu.

The Next American Godzilla Movie: I really liked the first one and I’m ready to see him fight and/or team up with Rodan or Mothra.

Pacific Rim 2: Especially if they can fit Godzilla into it, but if they can’t I’ll still be there to watch the Jaegers kick kaiju ass.

The Next James Bond Movie: I don’t care if they cast Mel Brooks as Bond (which would be hilarious), I’ll go see it. I’ve seen every one of them since Dr. No and I’m not gonna stop any time soon. By the way, I think Idris Elba would make a great James Bond.

Wonder Woman: Because it’s about fucking time. The trailer looks good and I like that a woman is directing it.

The Five Places You Should Never Take Your Cat

…#1: roller coaster

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,222

Who Are You On Earth 5C: Glen Hallstrom

For millions of Earth 5C Americans, Glen Hallstrom is the king of late night television. His talk show “The Smokestack Jones Supershow”, is the #1 rated late night talk show and has been on the air since 1986.

The show, a mix of interviews, sketch comedy, fake commercials and short films, was a big hit after the first week. By the end of year 3, he was beating the Tonight Show on a regular basis. It is rumored that his rising popularity caused Johnny Carson to retire in 1992.

In his spare time, Glen enjoys sailing his yacht, raising show ducks and chasing Vegas showgirls.

Wicked Oxen Threatened My Ibis

…his name is Ibis Elba

 

365 DAYS, 365 POSTS #11

 

The Doclopedia #1,221

Who Are You On Earth 5C: Amanda Fenton

On Earth 5C, Amanda Fenton, housewife and mother, is widely known for inventing the internet cat video craze.

It happened many years ago when she was 10 years old and started posting videos of her cats Muffin, Fred and Pickles on her web page. Soon, the videos were on websites all over the world, brightening the days of hundreds of millions of people and costing businesses billions in lost productivity.

Recently, Amanda has started posting videos and photos of her horny male cat George, although the internet knows him as Humpy Cat.

Module V-1: Assault Against The Amazon Seductresses

…surprisingly little fighting in this one

 

365 DAYS, 365 POSTS #10

 

The Doclopedia #1,220

Who Are You On Earth 5C: Jeremiah Reed

Jeremiah Reed, known as “Stu” to his friends, is the founder and owner of “Stu’s Weenie Wagons”, the most popular hot dog carts in Northern California. From the Oregon border to Stockton and from the Nevada border to the Pacific coast, you’ll see his bright red and orange carts in cities and towns.

While his carts serve a wide variety of sausages made of everything from soy to chicken to venison, the most popular is the half pound beef/pork footlong called “Stu’s Big One”. Television and radio commercials say that “Everybody loves Stu’s Big One! Taste it today!”

In his spare time, Jeremiah enjoys watching movies, racing motorcycles and taste testing weenies.

Dogs On The Run

…usually from the police

365 DAYS, 365 POSTS #10

The Adventures of Captain Flame #2

It had been a good while since Flame had eaten a gourmet meal and Uncle Luke had not disappointed. Every bite, and there had been many during the 12 courses, had been delicious, as had the five types of wine. It was only thanks to her sturdy constitution and large capacity for drink that she wasn’t nodding off.

Instead, she was in Uncle Luke’s library watching him inspect the figurine. He was going over every detail of it with a magnifying glass, stopping every few seconds to look through an ancient book that lay open on his desk.

You say that you found this on a merchant ship out of Emerald Bay?”

She nodded. “The “Matilda Green”, a fine bark which will soon go up for sail. The chest this was found in looked fairly new, as did most of the jewelry.”

Uncle Luke put down the figurine and the magnifying glass and went to remove two more books from his shelves. One seemed to be a collection of scrolls bound as a book, while the other looked fancy enough to have belonged to a king. She commented on that.

Luke laughed and said, “Oh, it did indeed. King Dorak Dorin of Typathia, a very wealthy and somewhat mad gentleman, by all accounts. This and several other volumes were liberated from his library by our friends in the Thieves Guild. They cost me a damned sight more than you’ll get for that bark, I can tell you.”

Flame let out a whistle. That bark would sell for ten thousand gold easily.

Ah, here we go!” He beckoned her over to look in the scroll book. She could not understand a bit of what the writing said, since it was all in runes.

Seeing her bewildered look, Luke translated.

“It was ordered that on the fifth day of the fifth month in the year of the Bear, five small figures representing the gods of the northern dwarves be carved and brought to the city of Rool to be enchanted. This was done and the enchanting took a full fortnight, the result being the binding of much magical power to each figure, so that when they might be placed on the altar of the Great Red God it would open a portal to his treasure chamber, inside of which lie wonders undreamed of.”

Luke and Flame looked at each other for a moment. Any mention of great treasure always caught a pirate’s attention.

Going to the larger book, Luke began reading from it.

“It was in 1055 K.E. that the empire of the northern dwarves began to fall due to the loss of five enchanted figures that were being taken to Mount Tarkarus. The procession of mostly priests and wizards was beset upon by a horde of Gray Men and their allies, a pair of Blue Dragons. Most of the priests were slain and the figures were carried away by two of the survivors, a wizard and a young servant boy. Neither they nor the figures have been seen since.”

1055 K.E.? That was 1,500 years ago!”

Luke nodded. “More like 1,700, but still very long ago. The northern dwarf empire fell in 1190 K.E. And there hasn’t been a Gray Man seen in the north or anywhere else since 74 R.E. However, I happen to know that 3 other figures have been found and are now in the Imperial Museum of Ardovia. I also have every reason to believe that if the four are brought together, they will show the location of the fifth.”

Flame smiled at her uncle. Once a pirate, always a pirate.

“So,” she said, “Where the hell is Ardovia and how should we go about stealing those figures?”

I Saw The Man Eating Rosebush At Earl’s Roadside Plant Zoo!

…and all I got was a lousy t-shirt

 

365 DAYS, 365 POSTS #9

 

The Doclopedia #1,219

Who Are You On Earth 5C: Carol Robinson

On Earth 5C, Carol Robinson is the international criminal kingpin known only as “Lady Z”. With her army of criminals, she commands thieves, robbers, forgers, hijackers, swindlers, hackers, hit men, drug dealers, loan sharks, arsonists, pimps, whores, enforcers and other assorted crooks on 6 continents. Every major law enforcement agency in the world is looking for her, but so far without success. She often sends them rude emails full of gloating.

Carol operates her criminal syndicate out of an old farm in rural Nebraska. Local folks just think she’s a crazy cat lady or something. In her spare time, Carol enjoys toppling governments, blackmailing politicians & businessmen and collecting salt & pepper shakers.

Happy National Pickled Fleems Day!

…sorry, deep fried Fleems, your day is in October

 

365 DAYS, 365 POSTS #8

 

The Doclopedia #1,218

Who Are You On Earth 5C?: Mark Vorwerk

Known as the “King of the Daredevils”, Mark Vorwerk first came to international prominence in 2005 when he was the first person ever to dive off the Golden Gate Bridge and survive. In the following years, he performed many other near suicidal feats, but they all paled in comparison to his 2 hour descent of Mount Everest in 2015.

Using what looked like an oversized skateboard that could almost instantly retract it’s wheels and become a snowboard and, if need be, flatten out for short distance gliding, Vorwerk kicked off from the summit of Everest at noon on July 7th, 2015. Since he was wearing 3 video cameras linked up to a satellite, the entire trip was available to people everywhere. It was watched by an estimated 2.2 billion people.

Upon reaching Base Came 2 hours, 3 minutes and 26 seconds after he started, Mark was asked what his next challence would be. He responded, “orbital skydiving”.

Doctor Silkmelon and Mr. Porkwaffle Uncover A Dastardly Plot!

…DASTARDLY, I tell you!

 

365 DAYS, 365 POSTS #7

 

The Doclopedia #1,217

Who Are You On Earth 5C?: Eddy Webb (a real person)

Eddy Webb is the kindly young proprietor of “Eddy’s Bait Shop” in Slow Creek, Colorado. He took over from his father when dear old dad decided to retire and devote the rest of his days to fishing instead of telling people where and how to fish.

Eddy sells everything in his shop, from rods & reels to maps of local fishing holes. Of course, he also sells a wide variety of baits, including his famous “Gourmet Worms: The Only Bait The Big Fish Want”. You’ll find then under the sign that says “Eddy Has Worms!”

When he isn’t working at the shop, Eddy likes to watch old monster movies, eat good food and train attack Pugs.

The Rare and Beautiful Snarky Pigeon Of Potawango Island

…beautiful plumage, but they can be annoying.

 

The Doclopedia #1216

Potion Recipes: The Most Exalted Potion Of Summoning D’Lorkuu And Smiting One’s Enemies

What You Will Require

16 slaves, preferably Hinokans of the smeem caste

1 liver from an adult male CleTak beast

43 small, yet fully ripe vaa berries

3 gallons of water blessed by the Most High Mother of the Third Church of Yot

A small bit of flesh from one of the enemies threatening your city

7 dried and prepared yunk eels

One large (at least 30 gallons) Jijidian spellcasting cauldron

Preparation

Mark 4 of your less desirable slaves with red paint

Order half of your slaves to place the cauldron in a spot where your advancing enemies can be observed. While they are doing this, the other slaves must sing and dance in praise of D’Lorkuu.

Remove all of your clothing, have one of your apprentices smear your entire body with Lotion of R’rakk, then don the ceremonial Robes of Summoning.

While you recite the epic poem “D’Lorkuu Eats The Face Of Masdeenops” and your slaves wail in fear, pour the water into the cauldron. When this is done crumble into it the yunk eels and the vaa berries.

After ordering your slaves to assume the Blessed Position Of Summoning, drop in the liver and say the Dread Words of D’Lorkuu.

The water should increase fivefold in volume, then assume a thick consistency. Order the slaves marked in red into the cauldron while you praise them for their sacrifice.

As they dissolve, sing the Fifth Song Of War and toss in the bit of your enemies flesh.

Along with your remaining slaves, run very quickly away from the cauldron. You must be at least a half mile away when, in 5 minutes, D’Lorkuu appears.

Once you are safe, give thanks to D’Lorkuu as he slays and consumes your enemies, then immediately start preparing The Most Exalted Potion Of Banishing D’Lorkuu.

My Life Among The Cosplaying Dogs

…mostly Trek or Who cosplay

365 DAYS, 365 POSTS #5

Life On The Magic Bus

It was 2:30 in the morning and Doc & Grace Clay had been running almost non-stop for an hour through the godforsaken boondocks of North Korea, dodging NK Army patrols the whole way. To make matters worse, Doc was carrying a North Korean scientist on his back and Grace was carrying his wife. Thankfully, both of them were small, skinny from malnutrition and drugged into dreamland.

They were less than a mile from the DMZ when they finally stopped to rest and meet their contact. Both of the 20 something Yanks were very near to hitting the wall of exhaustion.

“When we get home,” Doc said between deep breaths, “I’m going to climb into the hot tub and stay there for a week, or until I fall asleep and drown.”

Grace wiped her sweaty brow. Korea, North or South, in the summer was a shitty hot place. And these mosquitoes could just fuck off, too. Why the hell did they love her so much and never bite Doc?

“I’m all for that and a massage, too. And a very cold drink or three. So, sweetheart, would now be a bad time to tell you some big news?”

Doc gave her a cautious look.

“Does the news involve us just driving across the DMZ in a big Caddy? Because if not, it better involve cold beer and a cheeseburger or I don’t want to hear it.”

“I’m going off the Pill after this mission.”

Doc was so tired, yet alert for the sounds of approaching enemies, that he took a full ten seconds to register what she had said.

“Off the pill? As in, becoming fertile and, one presumes, eventually pregnant?”

She smiled and nodded.

“Yep, exactly that. You ready for that, big daddy?” She, noticed that he had a look on his face like you might find on a politician who has just been asked to tell the truth about something.

After a moment, he just said, “Yeah, I guess so. Nice timing, by the way.”

She gave a quiet giggle as she pointed to the headlights in the distance.

I think our old buddy Captain Cho is here. Let’s grab our bundles and go meet him.”

Hours later, after the good Captain had been bribed with liquor and food, thus allowing Doc and Grace to use the smuggling tunnel that ran all the way under the DMZ and into South Korea and after they had dropped off their still drugged friends with the proper people, they checked into a swanky hotel and got showered and ready for bed.

“So,” Doc said as he climbed into bed, ”I guess we go to London in a few days for what will be our last mission for the Business, eh?”

“Yes, that’s about it. Central is not going to be happy about our leaving, but they’ll let us go.”

Doc chuckled. “Damned right they will or else everyone will know about Senator Leeman’s real affection for his wife’s clothing, how the Chief Justice of SCOTUS made the undeclared income he has tucked away in that Swiss bank and what is really going on in Area 51. We’ll be out so fast we’ll burn rubber. And now, my Sweet Little Apricot Turnover Of Love, let’s do what we used to do as teenagers.”

And with that, they fell asleep until 3:00 pm in the afternoon.