I Got Dem Old Swollen Knee Blues, Mama

…and I ain’t ready to walk

Quick post today. Been looking at the early years of this blog, which were ported over from LiveJournal. Think I’ll be redoing some of them to either remove LJ references or to replace entire entries with something more interesting.

And now, time to ice my knee.

 

 

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White Dogs, Pink Cats, Orange Ducks

…all living in harmony

 

365 DAYS, 365 POSTS #20

 

The Doclopedia # 1,228

The Potawango Island Bestiary, Part Two: Giant Yellow Bunnies

 

From the notebook of Dr. Thaddeus Silkmelon:

 

After our decidedly unnerving encounter with the Octocobragator, our party today decided to go in search of a much less aggressive species, the Giant Yellow Bunnies.

Native to the grasslands of the northwest portion of the island, the Giant Yellow Bunnies are peaceful and even friendly creatures about the size of a Saint Bernard dog. The yellow of their fur ranges from a very pale shade to a vivid yellow-orange and they live in groups of from 10 to 40, migrating to follow new growths of grass and flowers.

At the crack of dawn, Pagoona, Abner, Miss Abigail, Smiffy, Percy and myself set out by horse drawn cart through the Blue Hills, the Walking Forest and around Lake Bakakuni to the grasslands, a trip that took several hours. During that time, we sighted Kangaroo Apes, Belching Turkeys, Spraying Mantises and Luminous Parakeets.

Eventually, we arrived at the grasslands just before dark and began setting up our camp. About an hour later, as we were enjoying an excellent stew that Mrs Hardapple had sent with us, we spied the first few bunnies emerging from their burrows. After only a few minutes, the full group of 28 individuals was out and eating. The huge size of an animal he was used to giving chase to had Percy quite befuddled. Wisely, he chose not to attempt chasing any of the Giant Yellow Bunnies.

The huge rabbits seemed not to care that we were there and, in fact, three of the 50 pound young ones came over to give us a sniff. They allowed us to pet them and their fur was very short and soft, not unlike a stuffed animal toy.

After a bit, we were able to approach the adults and pet them. Imagine our surprise when they began to purr like enormous cats. It was quite something to hear and I must report that it was at this point that Percy could no longer contain himself and began running toward the herd while barking his most feared bark. The bunnies, however, were not only unimpressed by this show of canine bluster, two of the large males actually sprayed Percy with urine. This put an immediate stop to his aggression and caused the rest of us to spend the night either bathing him in the creek (myself) or trying to sooth his bruised ego (everyone else).

Doc Tempest: Killer Surf

…from the May, 1964 issue

 

365 DAYS, 365 POSTS #19

The Doclopedia # 1,227

The Potawango Island Bestiary, Part Two: Octocobragator

From the notebook of Dr. Thaddeus Silkmelon:

As we have come to find out via several thankfully non-lethal encounters, Potawango Island can be as deadly as it is wonderful. Today, we saw just how deadly it could be when we went looking for, and found, the Octocobragator.

As the name implies, this creature has aspects of an octopus (4 tentacles and the ability to alter it’s coloring in the blink of an eye), cobra (serpentine body and flaring hood on the neck) and alligator (very tough hide and a long snout full of razor sharp teeth).

So deadly are these great beasts that there are never more than two or three on the entire island. The frequent coastal wetlands and never venture too far from brackish water. They will eat anything they can catch, including smaller members of their species.

Our encounter took place when our guide, Pagoona, finally relented and agreed to take us to see what the natives have many times referred to as the “Devil Beast”. Accompanied by Abner, Miss Abigail and Colonel Orpington, we spent a good three hours hiking along the southern red sand beaches before we came to the edge of a large salt marsh. Fortunately, our side of it rose up into some hills, which we decided to use so as to better survey the marsh.

 

Several minutes of looking through binoculars made us aware that this marsh seemed quite low on animal life. This caused Pagoona some distress because he said that the Devil Beast was eating more than usual because it would soon bear young. He also said that during these times, the creatures would venture out of the marsh to hunt.

No sooner did he say that, than Miss Abigail remarked upon a large log that lay at the bottom of our hill at the marsh’s edge, stating that it had not been there earlier. We all looked and at that moment, the Octocobragator shed it’s disguise and came up the hill at us. The speed of this 50 foot long creature was astounding. Pagoona hurled his spear at it and gave it only a glancing blow. Colonel Orpington fired his rifle, but the beast was twisting and turning so that he only got it near the tail.

It was making a beeline for Miss Abigail and myself when Abner, who has never been a model of fearlessness, leaped upon it’s neck and began bashing at it’s eye with a rock. This caused it to thrash about a bit before it grabbed him with two tentacles and hoisted him into the air. The head, now minus a working eye, turned toward him with deadly intent.

 

Fortunately, before it could bite him, Colonel Orpington got off another shot that removed a large part of the head from the body. The beast thrashed about violently and tossed Abner several feet into a bush. He was bruised and has a few small cuts, but was otherwise unharmed.

I was about to suggest taking some samples from it when the abdomen split open and no less than two dozen small Octocobragators poured out. Thankfully, the 2 foot long creatures headed directly toward the marsh at high speed. Pagoona assured us that within a fortnight, less that 5 would still be alive due to cannibalism.

We returned to our camp somewhat shaken, so Miss Hardapple made us all a very stiff drink before dinner. Miss Abigail insisted on Abner having a rest after she tended his wounds and comforted him. Perhaps he was more badly shaken than I thought, since it is now an hour later and she is still in his tent comforting him.

The Secret War Between Spoons and Forks

…the knives stay out of it

 

365 DAYS, 365 POSTS #18

 

The final Earth 5C entry. A new theme will be coming soon.

The Doclopedia #1,226

Who Are You On Earth 5C: Mark A. Schmidt

Mark A. Schmidt…oh man, I wish I could tell you what he is like on Earth 5C, but I can’t. If I did, the black helicopters would come or Grace would find me in the shower with a broken neck due to “slipping on a bar of soap” or I might just disappear, never to be heard from. So don’t even ask. Hell, don’t even THINK his name too long. I’m serious, dude.

If you visit Earth 5C, just enjoy the sights and have fun. Don’t ask about him ever! Some people did ask, you know. Who? Jimmy Hoffa, Bobby Kennedy, Malcom X, Janis Joplin, Tupac, David Bowie…the list is long, dude. Just don’t even mention him.

 

 

The Rare And Beautiful Turnip Eating Rat Of Potawango Island

…the burp in harmony at night

 

365 DAYS, 365 POSTS #17

 

The Doclopedia #1,225

Who Are You On Earth 5C: Kyle Miller

Although hundreds of millions, if not billions, know Kyle Miller’s artwork, far fewer know his name. You see, Kyle is an artist specializing in album cover artwork. Well, mostly CD covers and posters nowadays, but from the mid 70s to the late 80s, he did some of the greatest album covers of all time.

Perhaps Kyle’s best known cover is for the three record set of “Blues Wind”, the 1979 electric blues album by Jimi Hendrix. He won several awards, including a Grammy, for it. Another was the cover to “Woodstock 5”, which he thought up, drew and then colored in just under 48 hours.

Kyle now lives in Hawaii with his wife and 2 dogs. In his spare time, he enjoys roleplaying games, cooking and telling young people that today’s music sucks.

Potholes On The Road To Nowhere

…and they never get fixed

 

365 DAYS, 365 POSTS #16

 

The Doclopedia #1,224

Who Are You On Earth 5C: Avis Crane

Producer, director, writer and sometimes even camerawoman…that is Avis Crane, the richest, most famous and most celebrated person in the adult film industry.

So well crafted are the films she makes, so well written with compelling and interesting stories, so well directed that she has sold the remake rights to no less than 25 of her films to big Hollywood studios so they can remake them minus the sex. Her movies are wildly popular in 87 countries and have made her a billionaire. From her straight sex movies like “Thigh Society” to her gay movies like “Sailors & Seamen” to her rare forays into kink like “Spankenstein”, the films of Avis Crane are all big budget affairs that often attract actors from outside the adult film world.

Recently, Avis, who is now 62 years old, has said that she might leave the adult movies to “the younger crowd” and start directing mainstream films. Her millions of fans hope this is not true.

Pickled Squid Sandwich

…just as disgusting as it sounds

 

365 DAYS, 365 POSTS #15

 

The Doclopedia #1,223

Who Are You On Earth 5C: Kim Marshall

The Kim Marshall of Earth 5C is a kindly middle aged woman, a housewife in Toronto, Canada and the Queen of Canadian Crime.

It all started when Kin was newly married and pregnant with the first of her 7 children and got bored just sitting around the house. One day, she planned out a smuggling operation to bring American games and comics into Canada without paying various duties and taxes. It looked so doable, Kim convinced several college boys from the frat house down the street to do it. In no time, she was very rich and using the money to finance other crimes or take over rival criminal gangs.

By the time her youngest child, Angus, was 7 years old, Kim totally controlled all the Crime in Canada. Now, 10 years later as her youngest is almost ready to leave home, Kim has turned her thoughts toward taking control of Crime in the USA.