Fool On The Drill

…sorry, Beatles

DogCon 9


Day Two: In which we do all manner of things that busloads of hippies do in the desert.

So we woke up around 9 am this morning in Blythe, California, 1968. Blythe not exactly being a hotbed of hippie culture, there were some strange looks when the lot of us, dressed in full on Summer of Love style regalia, walked into a Denny’s for breakfast. A couple of old farts muttered something, but our waitress was young and nice to us and didn’t bat an eye when max ordered a salad and fruit. We all scarfed down our chow and I left a fat tip. If the prices were considerably higher than 1954, they still beat the hell out of 2016 prices.

(Sasha: Of course, any prices are meaningless since we beamed a bigass pile of money out of a Mafia counting house in Las Vegas last night.)

About 20 minutes later, when we were in Arizona, we did the old spacey wacey folding thing and went north to Seligman so Avis could check out the town as it was six years after her family left it to move back to New Hampshire. She noted that not much had changed and I told her that would probably remain the case for 15 or 20 years.

Popping back to good old Interstate 10, a road we have driven several times over these last 9 years, we stopped at the following places…

To see “The Thing” at the same roadside spot it will be in 30 years later when we stop to see it. Nothing will change in those 30 years except the desert wearing things down.

To see and take pics of The Rattlesnake Diner, which is (was) made to look like a big rattlesnake. It had only been open a year and I didn’t have the heart to tell the owner that the whole place would burn to the ground in 1970. Also, he wouldn’t have believed me because of that whole cant change history thing.

(Max: Wanting to avoid Phoenix, Mr. C took a turnoff that lead us south to Route 8. Man, there isn’t shit out in the desert.)

We stopped for a bit at a place that called itself “The Oldest Trading Post On The Gila River”. It was full of old memorabilia and stuff. We even got a bumper sticker and some t-shirts.

At Gila Bend, we grabbed some very tasty barbecue at this little hole in the wall joint run by a couple of guys who did not stop arguing the whole time we were there. It was funny as hell.

(Leon: The Indian guy asked “Why did I ever partner up with a white guy?” and the white guy said “Because I married your sister and the tribal elders kicked you off the rez.”)
(Silky: Just before we left, the wife came in and started giving both of them hell. It was funny.)

Outside Eloy, we zapped the bus up onto a mountain way north and thousands of years ago so we could watch the meteor hit that formed Meteor Crater. I wonder why I never thought to do that before?

(Sasha: Probably because after you see the Tunguska strike from 100 miles away and the Dinosaur Killer from space, that little boom in Arizona seems kind of boring.)

We stopped at the Arizona Sonora Desert Museum in Tucson, which my family will stop at next year (1969). It’s always an interesting and fun place to visit.

After we left Tucson, we only stopped once more, at Stella’s Dance Hall in Wilcox, and then only because we had seen about 50 signs advertising the cold beer, live music and dancing. Sure enough, it was a old timey roadhouse set about half a mile off I-10. It was also closed until 5 pm, so we just took some pix and got back on the bus.

At 5:45 we reached San Simon, which was an even smaller town in 1968 than it is in 2016. We pulled off the road into the open desert and are getting ready for yet another tasty dinner, followed by a board game night featuring a massive Formula De race and then some other games.

More trip reporting tomorrow from 1975 New Mexico.

The Real Housewives Of Hobbiton

…they mostly cook and eat

Our Dogcon report proceeds.

Day One: In which we travel through 1954 California and see many Giant Oranges.

At a few minutes before dawn this morning, we drove the bus over to Auburn Boulevard (about a mile from our house), popped back to 1954 (when it was also Highway 49) and headed west until we got to Highway 99 South. Our trip had started.

(Daisy: And all before any dogs…)

(Leon: ...or cats…)

(Max: …or rabbits…)
(Daisy: …were fed.)

We have traveled to some strange places, folks, but driving along roads I use every day, but 62 years in the past and a good 57 years before I remember first ever traveling on them was hella strange. Some buildings are still there in 2016, a few even still occupied, but most are gone. We saw motels, burger joints, diners, gas stations (remember, this was and still is part of the Lincoln Highway), houses, farms (!) and all manner of businesses. “Hamburgers! Buy ‘Em By The Bag!” read one sign. “Ice Cold Beer!” read another. “Rooms: $5.00 per night” was on a motel sign. Gas, by the way, was about 18 cents a gallon.

(Silky: Wow, the past smalls funny, yet oddly familiar.)

(Sasha: People smell a little stinkier, at least to us dogs. We approve of this.)

Everyone was looking out the windows, checking this all out. Spike was riding up front with me and we chatted about how this might be a fun thing to do in Baltimore, Toronto and other cities.

Speaking of Spike and I, it behooves me to point out that everybody on this trip has been fitted with a personal holo-projector that will make sure we look period proper in the 50s and beyond. With our long hair and beards, Spike and I would stand out like whores in church in 1954. The womenfolk would also attract unwarranted attention. And just to avoid any REAL catastrophes, the critters will be in android bodies whenever off of the bus. Also, our destination sign is off and the bus is no longer tie dyed, it is now white and says “XXXX First Church Of God” (with the XXXX being constantly updated to a town 100 miles further along the road) in big blue letters. We also have a sound unit to make the normally quiet bus sound like a 1940 school bus with high mileage.

After about 2 hours of driving the 60 mile an hour speed limit and stopping to take pictures every so often, we ate breakfast at the Red Barn Restaurant, in Lodi. I’m pretty sure at one time or another, every town in North America had a Red Barn Restaurant, most of them little independent joints like this one. The food was great, the service was great and the prices were crazy great. 12 people ate for just over 25 bucks, including a buck fifty tip. The only slight eyebrow raiser for out waitress was when Max (a vegetarian because rabbit) asked for fruit for breakfast. Thinking quickly, Daisy said “My fiance is having some digestive problems” and all was cool. Well, except for Max who was stunned to hear Daisy use the word “fiance”.

(Max: It just caught me off guard!)
(Leon: Dude, you looked like a deer in the headlights!)
(Sasha: I checked as we left to see if he pooped.)

Around 8:45, full of very tasty food, we got back on the bus, but only after “Pastor Cross” was asked by a carload of folks traveling north to do a little pre-breakfast prayer for them. Despite me being a lifelong atheist, many generations of Southern Baptists, Irish Catholics and Portuguese Catholics is in my DNA, so I was able to pull it off very convincingly.

(Sasha: I got the feeling that Daddy would make a hell of a fire and brimstone Pentacostal evangelist.)
(Silky: He’d sure be making more money.)
(Roxie: He has a nice preaching voice.)

We drove for another 3 hours, stopping once to take pictures of the House Made Of Glass, which was closed to the public and scheduled for demolition, and once for the Giant Jesus Of Merced. As Giant Jesuses go, it was merely ok. It was barely 18 feet tall and the sculpting and paint job were very average. Still, another one for our photo album.

(Daisy: Definitely not even in our top 20 Giant Jesus List.)
(Leon: What kind of family has a Giant Jesus List?)
(Sasha: The kind with our Dad in it.)
(Daisy: Don’t even ask about the competing Museums Of Body Parts Lists that Dad and Auntie Mary have.)

As we drove along 99, we saw a vivid memory from my early childhood: Giant Orange drink stands. Indeed, you’d see one about every 20 miles.

For those of you not from California or born after about 1970, these stands were, well, let’s read this bit from the Weird California website.

In 1926 Frank E. Pohl started his chain of “Giant Orange” stands opening up his first orange shaped stand on what was 11th Street near E Street in Tracy. Before trying out orange juice stands, Pohl had a giant lemon from which he served lemonade in Menlo Park called Jumbo Lemon Stand. But his first “Giant Orange” was in Tracy, California and spawned a franchise and imitations throughout California. The franchise peaked in the 1950’s with approximately 16 different stands built throughout Northern California from Bakersfield to Sacramento to Merced and Redding. It’s rumored that a stand could easily go through six thousand oranges during a week as it quenched the thirst of weary travelers who pulled over for a quick drink.

So yeah, there were more Giant Oranges along 99 and other routes from Redding to Los Angeles than you could shake a stick at. Naturally, we stopped at a couple for cold drinks and pictures. I think the last time I drank at a Giant Orange was about 1971.

The rest of our trip saw us stopping at a burger joint for lunch (cheeseburgers were 20 cents each, real milkshakes were a 30 cents), viewing a bunch of plaster statues telling the history of Fresno and closing down a roadside zoo.

For those of you who are under about 45 years of age, roadside “zoos” used to be very common. They generally featured wildlife native to a given area, plus a few monkeys and maybe a chimp and a lion or bear. They were almost universally small, dirty and terrible for the animals. When we saw the first sign advertising one at a truck stop north of Bakersfield, I could see the critters tense up. Being pretty pissed off by the thought of suffering animals, I was also pissed off and so we stopped.

It was pretty large as such things go. Lots of local wildlife, including 4 deer, plus two lions, two bears, a wolf, two chimps, a half dozen monkeys and an elephant. The cages, while clean, were way too small and little was done to mitigate the 100 degree heat

Normally, if one of us is going to go off on a tear and try to change history, it is usually Sasha or I, but this time, it was Silky (in an 18 year old looking human body). Below, the transcript.

(Silky walks up to the owner of the place, a big beefy ex-Texan, with her fists clenched and a neuralizer in her hand. There are about 30 other patrons standing around.)

Silky: “Hey, you son of a bitch!”

(Texan turns quickly to look at her and she drops him with a roundhouse right.)

Silky: “I did NOT fight Nazis in the war just to come home and see this shit! Game over, motherfucker!”

(There are many gasps in the crowd. Silky holds up the neuralizer and zaps everyone but us.)

Silky: “You will all get back in your cars and leave here. You will NOT ever again tolerate animals being treated like this! You will be KIND to animals for the rest of your lives! Now get the fuck out of here!”

(The crowd disperses rapidly. Silky turns back to the Texan. Spike, Sasha and I look at each other. It is looking like this is an instance of MAKING history, because you cannot change it. Silky zaps the Texan.)

Silky: “Listen up, you cowboy asshole. You are going to close this zoo permanently TODAY. You will release the animals that can survive in the wild and then take the exotics back to their homelands OR a really top notch zoo. You will spare no expense in doing this. You will then devote the rest of your life to helping animals and shutting down these fucking roadside zoos. Now DO IT!”

(After a few seconds, the Texan springs into action, yelling at his helpers to cool these animals down. We all get back on the bus and Silky, now back to more or less normal, asks Jeeves to please pour her a double synthehol bourbon on the rocks.)

After we were back on the road, Sasha checked the timeline and found out that, sure enough, that guy and many other animal rights activists started their careers that day. Another case of one of us causing history to happen as it should.

(Daisy: Holy fucking shit!)
Roxie: That was incredible!)
Leon: That was a wicked bad punch she gave him!)

The rest of the trip was much less eventful, being mostly through the desert to Blythe, where we stopped for the night. We had dinner in Palm Springs and saw several big name stars like Bob Hope, Ray Milland, Benny Goodman, Shirley Temple and Barbara Stanwyck. Even better? A ritzy meal for 12 cost me only $157.87! SCORE!

So right now, we are parked off a side street in Blythe. Tomorrow we shift to 1968 and drive across Arizona. Right now, however, I am off to play some games and partake of pints of Guinness.

More trip reportage tomorrow.


…MUCH happier than Jellyfish

It is that time of year again, folks…

DogCon 9

Day Zero: In which I once again set things up for the actual con report.

Greetings once again from the Magic Bus, currently parked in the driveway of the D&G Cross Home For Not At All Normal Basset Hounds. It is just past 10:30 at night and with the exception of myself and Sasha (Sasha: Had to pee, then eat a snack.), everyone else is asleep after a busy day of hanging out at the Meadow Room, Slide Room, Warehouse, Living Room and then eating too much barbecue for dinner.

Our con going contingent this year consists of myself, Grace, The Girls (Silky, Sasha & Daisy), our friend Avis (the original, this year. Her double from Earth 2 will be staying at her house running errands and reading books) and her cat Leon, our friend Ginie and her cat Roxy & Spike & Mary Jones. We will meet up with other old friends when we get to the con.

Our route this year is, from a driving standpoint, pretty straightforward: head south until we almost reach Mexico, then hang a left and head to central Texas. On the other hand, from a temporal standpoint, the route gets much stranger. Just as we leave home, we will time travel to 1954 (the year of my, Avis and Ginie’s birth) and do our first day’s driving then. The second day, we’ll be in 1968. Third day, 1975. Fourth and final day, 1986. On Monday morning, when we awaken about 45 minutes outside Critter City, we’ll be back in 2016. I’m quite sure everything will go smoothly.

(Sasha: Ha! We can’t change the past, but I reckon we’ll be spinning off alternate realities the way a cat sheds fur.)

Anyway, Sasha and I are heading off to bed, so I’ll continue this report tomorrow. Tune in then!

Spanking The Monk

…WAY different than spanking the monkey

The Doclopedia # 1,237

The Crazy Game: Variation #300

Number of players: 6 to 21

Uniforms: Necktie (bow ties are okay), human ladies undies

Playing field: Any 3 average suburban front yards, without fancy landscaping.

Minimum equipment: 33 old unmatched socks, 1 empty (but clean) soup can, 5 sticks of varying length, a golf ball, a rawhide chew toy that isn’t too messed up and a dead squirrel.

The Rules:

1: Each team gets an equal number of socks, with any extra sock being placed in the center of the middle yard. Once play starts, teams can steal other teams socks for valuable Sock Points (2 points per sock), except if it is really cloudy, in which case you only get Sock Points for the socks you have when the game ends.

2: The game will last 1 hour, 11 minutes.

3: Anybody who drops the golf ball into the soup can is then the Coolest Player and gets 25 points for their team, except on weekends, when they get 34 points but must do a little dance first.

4: Bodyslamming is okay, as it nudging, headbutting and scrowfing (for dogs).

5: You get 5 points for carrying the rawhide chew toy from Yard 1 to Yard 3.

6: 10 points will be awarded to any player that leaps over the dead squirrel but does not stop to sniff it or roll in it. Peeing on it loses your team 47 points!

7: No flopping is allowed in this game.

8: Stealing all the sticks from the Stick Zone is worth 10 points, even in the rain.

9: The Referee will create 2 Secret Zones that deduct 1 point for each critter in them.

Wobbly Wombats

…wandering willy nilly


Hot damn! Check it out, a new regular feature!


Weekly New Worlds:  Earth 5-A “Talking Jesus Earth”

On Earth 5-A, one of the biggest and most bizarre differences is that Jesus Christ, or some entity claiming to be him, pops up frequently to talk to various individuals. The strange thing about this is that he doesn’t manifest as a spirit or holy being or even a man.

He comes to chat via his face on a surface, mostly, but not limited to food.

Yes, Jesus has appeared on tortillas and other flatbreads, pancakes, grilled cheese sandwiches, pizza crusts, pie crusts, toast and a wide variety of other baked goods. Of course, he has also put in appearances using mud and grease stains, spilled paint, patterns in wood grain, children’s fingerpaint pictures and at least three times in the patterns created by men pissing on concrete walls.

Jesus never sticks around long, and only one person at a time can hear or see him, but he usually says things that change their life in some profound way. Oddly, he has never told anyone to stop masturbating, vote Republican or buy an SUV.

Masked Rocket G-Men! Episode 1: PICKLES OF DEATH!

…dastardly dills!


The Doclopedia # 1,236

The Crazy Game: Variation #196

Number of players: 7 to 16

Uniforms: Berets, tie dye scarves, one black sock

Playing field: 157 feet by 271 feet. Must be grass covered and must contain at least one small mound about 7 feet across and 18 inches high at the center. Can contain up to 4 small trees.

Minimum equipment: 10 pounds of lard, 4 regulation baseballs, 19 old coats, 2 large (3’x3’x3′) boxes, 5 wooden dowels 1 inch in diameter and 1 to 3 feet long, a very large pig, 33 right handed gloves, 5 empty 1 gallon plastic milk jugs and a bowling ball.

The Rules:

1: Lard must be spread only on baseballs, the pig and 3 of the milk jugs. The remaining lard is now an obstacle.

2: Only 1 wooden dowel may be carried by any team member, who shall be known as the “Stick Dude”. While carrying the dowel, he is worth 7 points and 2 Special Stick Points.

3: The goals are located at two opposite corners, but only for the first 375 seconds of the game. After that, they will be moved around at random every 11 minutes by the Referees.

4: Moving the bowling ball to the top of the mound is worth 12 points on Tuesdays, Saturdays and Sundays before 4 pm. At all other times, it is worth 10 points.

6: The Secret Zone will be no smaller than 6 square feet and will move a random distance every 23 minutes.

7: Tripping is okay. Biting loses 16 points per bite.

8: You lose 3 points every time you lose your sock, beret or scarf.

9: Flopping and resting for 5 minutes is worth 4 points, except in September when it is worth 7 points.

10: You get a point for every foot you drag an old coat. You cannot drag the same coat in a half hour.

11: Every other hour, the Pooping Penalty goes into effect for 9 points per poop. Peeing is never penalized.

12: 3 points for every glove destroyed.

13: The Front Backer on each team can only move in left turns.

14: Each team can make 3 additional rules.


…they’re all wet behind the ears


The Doclopedia # 1,235

The Crazy Game: A Brief History

This very brief history of the Crazy Game is based upon interviews with 157 individuals of 26 species from 5 continents. Much of the early game is known today solely because animals have a racial memory and, in some cases, a rich oral history.

All species of mammals and most birds play games. Play has many purposes that you can read about elsewhere. It’s one of the many things animals have in common with humans.

So, about 3,000 years ago, the domesticated animals, several kinds of birds and some wild animals watched humans play primitive soccer type games and thought they might give something like that a try. Wise dogs advised against doing it where humans could see, because “humans get weird when they see us imitate them too closely”.

The game was even more raucous fun than the human version, so first dogs, then wild canids, then many other species took it up as a fun pastime. Different species played in different ways, but it always involved a group of three or more and the possession and loss of some item. Often, the item was chosen at random just before play started.

“You might start off with a stick this time and a dead rat next time. They’d use rags, old bones, whatever.” Aldo, a standard poodle

“It was pretty rare for more than one species to play together, but if it happened, it was herbivores doing it out in the wild during migrations.” Josie, a Holstein cow

These games remained essentially unchanged for over 2,500 years, until a few semi-Smart animals popped up. They watched humans and introduced the concepts of goal areas, teams and teamwork.

“We think it started in England or Scotland. Bunch of terriers got it going. It spread fast to Europe and other places, most likely via crows or ravens.” Goobie, a Norwich Terrier

Things evolved rapidly from then, with time limits and rules of conduct being plugged in. Of course, different species had different ideas about how to play.

“Horses played a whole lot rougher than, say, cattle. Elephants were surprisingly nonviolent. Of course, like humans, chimpanzees turned every game into a fucking battle.” Sammy, an Appaloosa horse

As mid 19th Century saw the first Smart Dogs and Cats arise, it also saw boredom with the same old games arise. With the spread of Smartness, new games and new versions of old games flourished.

“I remember my granny telling me how they used to play a sort of hide & seek version of Toss The Twig up in the canopy of the rain forest when she was young. It was all the rage around 1890.” Luther, a Scarlet Macaw (age 75)

Even with these variations, the Crazy Game was not all that crazy for many decades, until the day a Smart Dog and a Smart Cat read the very first Calvin and Hobbes comic strip that mentioned Calvinball.

This wacky game, the product of a little boy’s mind (and a common thing among human kids) got them thinking and telling their friends about it. It took surprisingly little time for the random rules and equipment of Calvinball to make it’s was into animal games. After hearing more than one older animal (or even a human) refer to these games as “crazy”, the aficionados of the game officially dubbed it “The Crazy Game.

The rest is history.

Moon Juice And Star Biscuits

…mmm, moon juice


The Doclopedia # 1,234

The Potawango Island Bestiary, Part Two: Popping Yellow Watermelons


From the notebook of Dr. Thaddeus Silkmelon:


As I stated in my last post, we had two rather disastrous encounters with nature and the second one was with a plant. Specifically, it was with a fair sized patch of very large yellow watermelons that looked much like the ones grown by members of Pagoona’s village. These were easily three times as large and somewhat glossier looking, but we only took that as a sign of extreme ripeness.

Having just walked at a brisk pace for the last few miles so as to get clear of the many amorous moose, we were all ready for a rest and a nice juicy slice of melon. So it was that Mrs. Hardapple, Miss Abigail and Smiffy walked out into the patch to survey the melons and choose a ripe one while Pagoona, his men and I, sat under a tree to rest. Abner and Colonel Orpington were some yards away washing up in a stream and changing clothes.

I should have suspected something was up when my dog, Percy, and Mrs Hardapple’s cat, Fanny, began walking off to situate themselves behind a large fallen log. While tolerant of one another, this sudden buddying up was quite suspicious. I can only blame the heat and my aching legs for dimming my perception of animal behavior.

What happened next was spectacular, if also startling and very messy. Mrs Hardapple bent down to “thump” one of the melons and when she did so, it exploded with a loud pop. That would have been bad enough, coating our rather volatile cook with melon as it did, but it also set all the other melons to exploding. In less that a minute, the surrounding area, our gear and all of us who were near or in the patch, was covered in the pink interior and yellow rinds of watermelon. I now saw the wisdom of Percy and Fanny taking up their position.

It took us the better part of an hour to get ourselves and our equipment clean, during with great numbers of birds landed in the melon patch to eat and eventually distribute the seeds. It took the better part of two hours for Mrs Hardapple to stop cursing.

The Beautifuly Illustrated, Yet Not At All Artsy Fartsy, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Gerbils That Built A House

…co-starring her good buddy Satina Spoodles



The Doclopedia # 1,233

The Potawango Island Bestiary, Part Two: Yellow Crested Horny Moose


From the notebook of Dr. Thaddeus Silkmelon:
On today’s journey to the now not so distant mountains, we encountered two species, one animal and one vegetable, that while not dangerous, where quite annoying to certain members of our party.

It was while we were walking near a lake in a pine forest that we had our first encounter with what Miss Abigail Saltgrass christened the Yellow Crested Horny Moose. About 75% the size of a typical moose, this young fellow was of a lighter shade of brown and adorned with a shock of bright yellow hair atop his head. He was calmly eating water plants and looking at us curiously as Abner moved in closer for a photograph and Colonel Orpington went with him to observe the creature and take notes.

The first thing we all noticed was that the young bull was entering a state of sexual arousal. Naturally, we all looked around for a female moose, but we failed to see her. It was then that Mrs. Hardapple rather crudely noted that the moose was looking lustfully at Colonel Orpington. When told this, the Colonel swore rather loudly while Abner removed himself from the vicinity at great haste. Colonel Orpington also began running, with the aroused moose in hot pursuit. Unfortunately, as he was running and cursing, he had the bad fortune to fall onto his hands and knees at the edge of the lake. In a flash, the moose was upon him.

Allow me to state right here that I am sorry that the Colonel, a decorated and brave military man, had to hear the hysterical laughter of our female contingent and Smiffy. I was able to muffle my mirth as I ran with Pagoona to chase off the moose who seemed totally intent on making, as Miss Abigail later put it, “hot moose love” to the Colonel.

We were, after about a minute of hitting the moose with sticks, able to drive it off. But no sooner were we helping the now terrible embarrassed and angry Colonel up off the ground than we heard Abner running back out of the forest pursued by yet another oversexed moose. For a man of rather pudgy physique, Abner was reaching near Olympian speeds until he, too, tripped and fell. It took us somewhat longer to reach him and hhis moose was somewhat larger and more determined.

We are now camped some miles from moose territory and both Abner and the Colonel are still in very nasty moods. The rest of us are keeping quiet and not looking at them.