Thrilling Mom Tales

….written by actual moms

The Doclopedia #1,262

The Alphabet: M is for…

Mountain Orcsare primarily found at or very near the tree line of very large mountains. They live in extended family groups of 15 to 30 members and are much larger and stronger than ordinary Orcs. Males average 6 feet tall and 200 pounds. Most Mountain Orcs have red hair and yellow eyes.

Mountain Orcs are more primitive than their lowland cousins and are only at the hunter/gatherer level of civilization. They are, however, excellent hunters and are one of the few humanoid species that hunt and eat Greater Rock Dragons and Cliff Howlers. They have also domesticated Ghost Wolves, who aid them in hunting.

Despite being primitive Orcs and living in a rough and dangerous environment, Mountain Orcs are not immediately violent towards humans, dwarves or elves. They will usually give warning if other races get too near their homes, but not attack unless those warnings are ignored.

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The Doclopedia #1,263

The Alphabet: M is for…

Modram 3an Earth type planet orbiting Modram’s Star, which is 325 light years from Earth.

Modram 3 has a roughly 50/50 land to water ration and is a bit warmer overall than Earth. Gravity is 90% that of Earth and the planet has two moons, each only a third the size of our moon.

While Modram is very Earth-like, it is devoid of native life forms. Scientists have determined that this is a very recent development, no more that a few centuries old. Since this has been found on other worlds very far apart, it is believed to be caused by an ancient technology called a Wandering Life Stealer, a sort of selective wormhole that removes all life on a planet and transport it instantly to some as yet undiscovered place.

Modram 3 has been colonized by both humans on the land and Thurgs in the oceans. Most of the introduced life forms are from Earth, but there are a few from Thurr, Pazvilon and Sagan. Life is spreading with incredible speed across the planet.

Visitors to Modram 3 will find few large cities and only one medium sized spaceport. Water is inexpensive, but food will cost much more than most planets.

Boys On The Run With Dogs

…damned if I can remember what we were running from

 

 

Life On The Magic Bus

I’m sorry. I must have misheard you.” Doc Clay was sitting in his favorite chair on the Bus, facing Grace, his son Sam and his daughter in law Rani.

Rani laughed at his genuinely puzzled expression. “I said, you are going to be a grandfather.”

 

Doc blinked. He heard the words coming out of her mouth, but they made no sense.


“I can’t be a grandfather. I’m too young.”

Grace gave him an exasperated look. “You’re 57, you old fart. Two years older than your dad was when we had Sam. Like it or not, grandfather is going on your resume next to farmer, game designer and spy.”

This news had the desired effect on Doc. He sat back in his chair, eyes wide. His right hand extended out to the side where Jeeves, his SmartBot gentleman’s gentleman, placed a large double Irish whiskey in it. He gulped down a large mouthful, then looked at his son and Rani.

“Well, I’ll be damned. I’m gonna be a grandpa.”

(Historical Note: those were exactly the same words Doc’s dad, Bill, had said when he was told about Sam being on the way.)

“Are you two sure you’re old enough to be parents?” Doc was only halfway joking.

Same chuckled and laid his hand upon his dad’s left arm. “Yes, Dad, we are. We’re both 30, which I’ll remind you is three years older than you were when I was born.”

So, have you told your sister?,” Grace asked.

“Yep,” Sam replied. “Called her this morning. She pretty much lost her shit and started yelling about being an auntie. I figure everyone in her lab probably heard her.”

It was then that Sasha, Winker and Lucy came running in.

“We’re gonna be aunties too!” They yelled as they jumped up onto the sofa next to Rani and Sam.

“This is gonna be SO cool!,” Sasha said. “I love babies.”

Winker put her paw on Rani’s hand and told her,“You’ll be a great mother.”

Lucy gave Sam a kiss. “And you’ll be a great Dad, Sam.”

After a few moments, Grace looked at them and said, “You are bringing that baby into one damned strange family. I mean, I thought Doc and I had strange families…”

“And we do!,” Doc interjected.

“…but your baby will grow up knowing about talking dogs and SmartBots and buses that are bigger on the inside and who knows what else.”

Rani nodded. “Yes, and we haven’t even gotten to the part of my family still in India. My Uncle Gurdeep believes that ghosts live in his goat barn and my brother Raj collects animal skulls.”

Doc leaned back even further and sipped his whiskey.

“Oh yeah, this kid has no chance of being normal.”

 

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Real Housewives Of Leng

…they’re dreamy

 

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The Doclopedia #1,260

The Alphabet: L is for…

Loyd The Lucky…AKA Sir Loyd of Blankenship AKA The Scarlet Highwayman. As you can no doubt deduce, Loyd was a man of noble descent who also had a secret identity as a red garbed highwayman in England (and sometimes Wales and even Scotland) during the years 1755 to 1765. He and his three associates (nobles all) would pick off coaches and wagons carrying wealthy nobles, clergymen or just cargo that could be quickly sold. They once even robbed a line of wagons carrying prisoners to prison.

Loyd was not so much lucky as a genius planner. He even arranged for himself to be robbed twice, to throw anyone off the scent. Another time, he and his mates lead a detachment of 15 soldiers into a bog, then rescued them once they had given up their weapons. Tales of his daring and cunning were popular with the common folk, many of whom also benefited from his habit of redistributing half of his ill gotten gain.

In 1766, Loyd married and took his new bride to the colonies in North America. Eventually, he fought in the Revolutionary War before retiring to his upstate New York farm. Back in England, his mates kept the legend of the Scarlet Highwayman going until 1783.

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The Doclopedia #1,261

The Alphabet: L is for…

Love Sauce…which is NOT what you are thinking, you dirty minded perverts. In fact, Love Sauce was a tasty sweet and hot sauce created in 1952 by Mr. Ed Love in El Reno, Oklahoma. The sauce, which used prunes, chile peppers, mint and bourbon, among many other ingredients, was initially made for family & friends, but soon caught on in Oklahoma City and beyond. By 1958, it was being sold in grocery stores throughout the Midwest from Texas to North Dakota. By 1960, the Love Sauce Company was selling 9 million dollars worth of sauce per year.

In 1971, Love sold his company to U.S. Foods and Love Sauce went national. Sales peaked in 1977 at 25 million dollars a year. Rumors that the sauce could perk up low libidos probably helped sales.

Sadly, in 1985 U.S. Foods reworked the recipe and Love Sauce sales nosedived. That and several other missteps put the company out of business in 1990. However, in 1997, Jake Love, son of Ed, managed to buy the rights to Love Sauce and once again began manufacturing it for regional sale and mail order sale. Love Sauce fans rejoiced.

The Spy Who Hugged Me

…it was a very good hug

 

The Doclopedia #1,258

The Alphabet: K is for…

Kinkajous…which took the place of cats on Earth 2-F once all the domestic housecats developed Merton’s Syndrome and died.

These Central and South American cousins to the raccoon are much longer lived and easier to domesticate in that reality. They make loving and affectionate pets and actually live a bit longer than cats did, up to 34 years. The eat an omnivorous diet and are generally healthier than cats.

Breeders of kinkajous have only come up with a few variations of the normally light brown coat. The more rusty red coat is the most common, with light gray, dark gray, black and albino being the rarest.

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The Doclopedia #1,259

The Alphabet: K is for…

The Keystone Korpse…is a Hollywood legend that states that while filming one of the Keystone Kops comedies in the 1920’s, a young man died. According to the story, he was buried quickly and Mack Sennett, the director, had the whole incident hushed up.

Some years later…the exact year varies by story…the ghost of a man in a Keystone Kops outfit appeared to several workers on a night shoot. They were scared shitless because the ghost lookeed like a rotting corpse. It made no move to attack them, but it was coming toward them fairly rapidly.

Over the decades, the Keystone Korpse, as it became known, was sighted dozens of times, most famously by Humphrey Bogart, Peter Lorre and director John Huston. The fact that all three of them had been drinking is often ignored by ghost hunters.

The Keystone Korpse was last sighted in October of 1998, by two security guards. Some experts believe that the ghost was dispelled when Parking Lot H was build in 2001, but others think the Korpse is just taking a break.

The Thirteen Things You Should Never Tell A Cat

…#1 is “You’re only a cat”

 

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The Doclopedia #1,256

The Alphabet: J is for…

Jangwo…or as the natives of Ruined Chicago call it, “fast killer cat thing”. Jangwos are cougar sized felines that can move with astounding speed and do a long leap of up to 50 feet. They can also leap 20 feet straight up with ease. The look very much like dark gray or black cougars, but they have a much longer and prehensile tail. They also have a cranial bump that contains a part of their brain that emits a signal that confuses their prey, if they are within 30 feet. The prey might stop instead of running, run in a circle or do other odd behavior just before the Jangwo takes them down. The prehensile tail is then used to hold onto the prey while claw and fang do their job.

Jangwos travel in mated pairs or sometimes trios. They only breed every third year, but can have up to 10 cubs that stay with the parents for two years. Jangwo have excellent senses and trying to sneak up on one, let alone a pair, is probably suicide.

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The Doclopedia #1,257

The Alphabet: J is for…

Jenny’s Tacos…a favorite taco shop in Los Angeles, California on Earth 3-F. Since that version of Earth is one where elves live among humans, Jenny serves up some Elven favorite tacos, like Sweetberry, Hot Salad and Melon. Most humans think veggie or fruit tacos are strange, but the elves love them and Jenny does good business.

Clown Army Neutralizer

…fuck clowns and fuck their army

 

The Doclopedia #1,254

The Alphabet: I is for…

Idiot Girl…who was, in fact, not an idiot. Samiya Bukhari was a Saudi girl born into an old fashioned and hardline Islamic family. Until she was 10 years old, life was pleasant enough, even though she sometimes chafed under the male dominated society. She knew she was at least twice as smart as all three of her brothers put together, but that meant nothing to her father.

Then, just after she turned 10, her mother grew sick and died. Her father was devastated by the loss and for no reason turned his anger toward Samiya. Her aunt, who had moved in to tend the house, did her best to shield the girl from the brunt of the abuse, but it only got worse. By the time Samiya turned 14, her father and her brothers were calling her an idiot and preparing to marry her off to a wealthy older man.

This never happened because shortly after turning 14, Samiya manifested extra-normal powers, not the least of which were a greatly increased IQ, a true photographic memory with total recall and enhanced senses. She was also, as people with powers often are, physically superior to anybody of their size and weight or even most larger people. After some of the usual shock at what she had become, Samiya began to formulate a plan.

Three days later, as her father was escorting her to meet her husband to be, she quickly calculated the best escape route. This took the form of her throwing off her outer clothing to reveal a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and sneakers that she had gathered up on a late night raid of local clotheslines, then leaping onto first the hood, then the roof of a passing car. In true superhero fashion, she then escaped by leaping from car to car until she got onto the back of a speeding truck. In no time, she was miles away.

Although her first few weeks were spent on the run and nearly clueless about the wider world, Samiya learned very fast and soon had found a place to stay with a young gay man, who had been astounded when she had told him she knew he was also oppressed and that she could help him. Her reasoning and plan being rock solid, he introduced her around his neighborhood as his cousin Yasmin. Thus began a long and fruitful friendship.

By day, Samiya works at a clothing store for women and girls. At night, she puts on a red & black Spandex outfit and goes out as Idiot Girl, friend and inspiration to the downtrodden and Enemy Number One to the Saudi government. Her various actions have done everything from exposing corruption to “liberating” large sums of money to just plain kicking the asses of sexist men. Nobody can catch her because they just aren’t smart enough. Idiot Girl has also stirred up the women of her country to the point that concessions are being made to allow women and girls more rights. She is very nearly at the point where killing or imprisoning her would make her a martyr and cause way more problems than it would be worth.

Idiot Girl has also been constructing an organization of mostly women that extends far out from Saudi Arabia, as far as Europe, Asia and even the Americas. Their resources are considerable, thanks to Idiot Girl’s ability to win at everything from lotteries to stock markets. Rumor has it that she wants to see women in control of most of the world’s governments by the time she turns 40.

She’s only 19 now.

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The Doclopedia #1,255

The Alphabet: I is for…

Ink Magic…which is one of the 49 types of magic on Earth 121. It has two basic styles: tattoos and writing. Either one can create very powerful spells, although tattoos last far longer. Of course, tattoos can also sometimes develop curses, which is just no damned fun.

The study of Ink Magic is costly and takes 3 times longer to get good at than any other form of magic. Women have a harder time mastering it than men. Young folks learn faster than old folks.

 

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Milk Bullets

… from discontented cows

 

The Doclopedia #1,252

The Alphabet: H is for…

Hotel For Monsters…a Japanese anime series following the misadventures of young Hidoke as he attempts to do his job as a room service boy in a creepy old hotel that caters to all manner of monsters. His job is not made any easier by encounters with the owners two hot young daughters, both of whom are werewolves, or his nutty Uncle Moko, a monster hunter.

The series runs to 133 episodes, all of which have been dubbed into English.
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The Doclopedia #1,253

The Alphabet: H is for…

Hats…the wearing of which will get you arrested, tortured and killed in the Trofiddien Empire on Fantasy Earth 6. It seems that when he was 22 and a brand new Emperor, His Imperial Perfection Kaksor II was very nearly assassinated 5 times in 8 days by men and women wearing hats. Being a fine product of royal inbreeding, this pushed him right over into Crazyland and caused him to outlaw all hats. Over the years, he also outlawed cats, rats, bats, mats and spats because they sounded like “hats”. Nothing has changed to weaken this law, despite the current age of Kaksor II being 101.

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Patreon Backer Shoutout!

Carol Robinson, Mark A Schmidt, Loyd Blankenship and Derek Pearcy have all backed this blog. Thank you all!

If YOU would like to back me on this blog, and maybe even on a podcast, just go here…

Support this blog on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/DocCross