Thrilling Mom Tales

….written by actual moms

The Doclopedia #1,262

The Alphabet: M is for…

Mountain Orcsare primarily found at or very near the tree line of very large mountains. They live in extended family groups of 15 to 30 members and are much larger and stronger than ordinary Orcs. Males average 6 feet tall and 200 pounds. Most Mountain Orcs have red hair and yellow eyes.

Mountain Orcs are more primitive than their lowland cousins and are only at the hunter/gatherer level of civilization. They are, however, excellent hunters and are one of the few humanoid species that hunt and eat Greater Rock Dragons and Cliff Howlers. They have also domesticated Ghost Wolves, who aid them in hunting.

Despite being primitive Orcs and living in a rough and dangerous environment, Mountain Orcs are not immediately violent towards humans, dwarves or elves. They will usually give warning if other races get too near their homes, but not attack unless those warnings are ignored.




The Doclopedia #1,263

The Alphabet: M is for…

Modram 3an Earth type planet orbiting Modram’s Star, which is 325 light years from Earth.

Modram 3 has a roughly 50/50 land to water ration and is a bit warmer overall than Earth. Gravity is 90% that of Earth and the planet has two moons, each only a third the size of our moon.

While Modram is very Earth-like, it is devoid of native life forms. Scientists have determined that this is a very recent development, no more that a few centuries old. Since this has been found on other worlds very far apart, it is believed to be caused by an ancient technology called a Wandering Life Stealer, a sort of selective wormhole that removes all life on a planet and transport it instantly to some as yet undiscovered place.

Modram 3 has been colonized by both humans on the land and Thurgs in the oceans. Most of the introduced life forms are from Earth, but there are a few from Thurr, Pazvilon and Sagan. Life is spreading with incredible speed across the planet.

Visitors to Modram 3 will find few large cities and only one medium sized spaceport. Water is inexpensive, but food will cost much more than most planets.

Boys On The Run With Dogs

…damned if I can remember what we were running from



Life On The Magic Bus

I’m sorry. I must have misheard you.” Doc Clay was sitting in his favorite chair on the Bus, facing Grace, his son Sam and his daughter in law Rani.

Rani laughed at his genuinely puzzled expression. “I said, you are going to be a grandfather.”


Doc blinked. He heard the words coming out of her mouth, but they made no sense.

“I can’t be a grandfather. I’m too young.”

Grace gave him an exasperated look. “You’re 57, you old fart. Two years older than your dad was when we had Sam. Like it or not, grandfather is going on your resume next to farmer, game designer and spy.”

This news had the desired effect on Doc. He sat back in his chair, eyes wide. His right hand extended out to the side where Jeeves, his SmartBot gentleman’s gentleman, placed a large double Irish whiskey in it. He gulped down a large mouthful, then looked at his son and Rani.

“Well, I’ll be damned. I’m gonna be a grandpa.”

(Historical Note: those were exactly the same words Doc’s dad, Bill, had said when he was told about Sam being on the way.)

“Are you two sure you’re old enough to be parents?” Doc was only halfway joking.

Same chuckled and laid his hand upon his dad’s left arm. “Yes, Dad, we are. We’re both 30, which I’ll remind you is three years older than you were when I was born.”

So, have you told your sister?,” Grace asked.

“Yep,” Sam replied. “Called her this morning. She pretty much lost her shit and started yelling about being an auntie. I figure everyone in her lab probably heard her.”

It was then that Sasha, Winker and Lucy came running in.

“We’re gonna be aunties too!” They yelled as they jumped up onto the sofa next to Rani and Sam.

“This is gonna be SO cool!,” Sasha said. “I love babies.”

Winker put her paw on Rani’s hand and told her,“You’ll be a great mother.”

Lucy gave Sam a kiss. “And you’ll be a great Dad, Sam.”

After a few moments, Grace looked at them and said, “You are bringing that baby into one damned strange family. I mean, I thought Doc and I had strange families…”

“And we do!,” Doc interjected.

“…but your baby will grow up knowing about talking dogs and SmartBots and buses that are bigger on the inside and who knows what else.”

Rani nodded. “Yes, and we haven’t even gotten to the part of my family still in India. My Uncle Gurdeep believes that ghosts live in his goat barn and my brother Raj collects animal skulls.”

Doc leaned back even further and sipped his whiskey.

“Oh yeah, this kid has no chance of being normal.”


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Carol Robinson, Mark A Schmidt, Loyd Blankenship and Derek Pearcy have all backed this blog. Thank you all!

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Real Housewives Of Leng

…they’re dreamy


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The Doclopedia #1,260

The Alphabet: L is for…

Loyd The Lucky…AKA Sir Loyd of Blankenship AKA The Scarlet Highwayman. As you can no doubt deduce, Loyd was a man of noble descent who also had a secret identity as a red garbed highwayman in England (and sometimes Wales and even Scotland) during the years 1755 to 1765. He and his three associates (nobles all) would pick off coaches and wagons carrying wealthy nobles, clergymen or just cargo that could be quickly sold. They once even robbed a line of wagons carrying prisoners to prison.

Loyd was not so much lucky as a genius planner. He even arranged for himself to be robbed twice, to throw anyone off the scent. Another time, he and his mates lead a detachment of 15 soldiers into a bog, then rescued them once they had given up their weapons. Tales of his daring and cunning were popular with the common folk, many of whom also benefited from his habit of redistributing half of his ill gotten gain.

In 1766, Loyd married and took his new bride to the colonies in North America. Eventually, he fought in the Revolutionary War before retiring to his upstate New York farm. Back in England, his mates kept the legend of the Scarlet Highwayman going until 1783.




The Doclopedia #1,261

The Alphabet: L is for…

Love Sauce…which is NOT what you are thinking, you dirty minded perverts. In fact, Love Sauce was a tasty sweet and hot sauce created in 1952 by Mr. Ed Love in El Reno, Oklahoma. The sauce, which used prunes, chile peppers, mint and bourbon, among many other ingredients, was initially made for family & friends, but soon caught on in Oklahoma City and beyond. By 1958, it was being sold in grocery stores throughout the Midwest from Texas to North Dakota. By 1960, the Love Sauce Company was selling 9 million dollars worth of sauce per year.

In 1971, Love sold his company to U.S. Foods and Love Sauce went national. Sales peaked in 1977 at 25 million dollars a year. Rumors that the sauce could perk up low libidos probably helped sales.

Sadly, in 1985 U.S. Foods reworked the recipe and Love Sauce sales nosedived. That and several other missteps put the company out of business in 1990. However, in 1997, Jake Love, son of Ed, managed to buy the rights to Love Sauce and once again began manufacturing it for regional sale and mail order sale. Love Sauce fans rejoiced.

The Spy Who Hugged Me

…it was a very good hug


The Doclopedia #1,258

The Alphabet: K is for…

Kinkajous…which took the place of cats on Earth 2-F once all the domestic housecats developed Merton’s Syndrome and died.

These Central and South American cousins to the raccoon are much longer lived and easier to domesticate in that reality. They make loving and affectionate pets and actually live a bit longer than cats did, up to 34 years. The eat an omnivorous diet and are generally healthier than cats.

Breeders of kinkajous have only come up with a few variations of the normally light brown coat. The more rusty red coat is the most common, with light gray, dark gray, black and albino being the rarest.




The Doclopedia #1,259

The Alphabet: K is for…

The Keystone Korpse…is a Hollywood legend that states that while filming one of the Keystone Kops comedies in the 1920’s, a young man died. According to the story, he was buried quickly and Mack Sennett, the director, had the whole incident hushed up.

Some years later…the exact year varies by story…the ghost of a man in a Keystone Kops outfit appeared to several workers on a night shoot. They were scared shitless because the ghost lookeed like a rotting corpse. It made no move to attack them, but it was coming toward them fairly rapidly.

Over the decades, the Keystone Korpse, as it became known, was sighted dozens of times, most famously by Humphrey Bogart, Peter Lorre and director John Huston. The fact that all three of them had been drinking is often ignored by ghost hunters.

The Keystone Korpse was last sighted in October of 1998, by two security guards. Some experts believe that the ghost was dispelled when Parking Lot H was build in 2001, but others think the Korpse is just taking a break.

The Thirteen Things You Should Never Tell A Cat

…#1 is “You’re only a cat”


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The Doclopedia #1,256

The Alphabet: J is for…

Jangwo…or as the natives of Ruined Chicago call it, “fast killer cat thing”. Jangwos are cougar sized felines that can move with astounding speed and do a long leap of up to 50 feet. They can also leap 20 feet straight up with ease. The look very much like dark gray or black cougars, but they have a much longer and prehensile tail. They also have a cranial bump that contains a part of their brain that emits a signal that confuses their prey, if they are within 30 feet. The prey might stop instead of running, run in a circle or do other odd behavior just before the Jangwo takes them down. The prehensile tail is then used to hold onto the prey while claw and fang do their job.

Jangwos travel in mated pairs or sometimes trios. They only breed every third year, but can have up to 10 cubs that stay with the parents for two years. Jangwo have excellent senses and trying to sneak up on one, let alone a pair, is probably suicide.




The Doclopedia #1,257

The Alphabet: J is for…

Jenny’s Tacos…a favorite taco shop in Los Angeles, California on Earth 3-F. Since that version of Earth is one where elves live among humans, Jenny serves up some Elven favorite tacos, like Sweetberry, Hot Salad and Melon. Most humans think veggie or fruit tacos are strange, but the elves love them and Jenny does good business.

Clown Army Neutralizer

…fuck clowns and fuck their army


The Doclopedia #1,254

The Alphabet: I is for…

Idiot Girl…who was, in fact, not an idiot. Samiya Bukhari was a Saudi girl born into an old fashioned and hardline Islamic family. Until she was 10 years old, life was pleasant enough, even though she sometimes chafed under the male dominated society. She knew she was at least twice as smart as all three of her brothers put together, but that meant nothing to her father.

Then, just after she turned 10, her mother grew sick and died. Her father was devastated by the loss and for no reason turned his anger toward Samiya. Her aunt, who had moved in to tend the house, did her best to shield the girl from the brunt of the abuse, but it only got worse. By the time Samiya turned 14, her father and her brothers were calling her an idiot and preparing to marry her off to a wealthy older man.

This never happened because shortly after turning 14, Samiya manifested extra-normal powers, not the least of which were a greatly increased IQ, a true photographic memory with total recall and enhanced senses. She was also, as people with powers often are, physically superior to anybody of their size and weight or even most larger people. After some of the usual shock at what she had become, Samiya began to formulate a plan.

Three days later, as her father was escorting her to meet her husband to be, she quickly calculated the best escape route. This took the form of her throwing off her outer clothing to reveal a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and sneakers that she had gathered up on a late night raid of local clotheslines, then leaping onto first the hood, then the roof of a passing car. In true superhero fashion, she then escaped by leaping from car to car until she got onto the back of a speeding truck. In no time, she was miles away.

Although her first few weeks were spent on the run and nearly clueless about the wider world, Samiya learned very fast and soon had found a place to stay with a young gay man, who had been astounded when she had told him she knew he was also oppressed and that she could help him. Her reasoning and plan being rock solid, he introduced her around his neighborhood as his cousin Yasmin. Thus began a long and fruitful friendship.

By day, Samiya works at a clothing store for women and girls. At night, she puts on a red & black Spandex outfit and goes out as Idiot Girl, friend and inspiration to the downtrodden and Enemy Number One to the Saudi government. Her various actions have done everything from exposing corruption to “liberating” large sums of money to just plain kicking the asses of sexist men. Nobody can catch her because they just aren’t smart enough. Idiot Girl has also stirred up the women of her country to the point that concessions are being made to allow women and girls more rights. She is very nearly at the point where killing or imprisoning her would make her a martyr and cause way more problems than it would be worth.

Idiot Girl has also been constructing an organization of mostly women that extends far out from Saudi Arabia, as far as Europe, Asia and even the Americas. Their resources are considerable, thanks to Idiot Girl’s ability to win at everything from lotteries to stock markets. Rumor has it that she wants to see women in control of most of the world’s governments by the time she turns 40.

She’s only 19 now.




The Doclopedia #1,255

The Alphabet: I is for…

Ink Magic…which is one of the 49 types of magic on Earth 121. It has two basic styles: tattoos and writing. Either one can create very powerful spells, although tattoos last far longer. Of course, tattoos can also sometimes develop curses, which is just no damned fun.

The study of Ink Magic is costly and takes 3 times longer to get good at than any other form of magic. Women have a harder time mastering it than men. Young folks learn faster than old folks.


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Milk Bullets

… from discontented cows


The Doclopedia #1,252

The Alphabet: H is for…

Hotel For Monsters…a Japanese anime series following the misadventures of young Hidoke as he attempts to do his job as a room service boy in a creepy old hotel that caters to all manner of monsters. His job is not made any easier by encounters with the owners two hot young daughters, both of whom are werewolves, or his nutty Uncle Moko, a monster hunter.

The series runs to 133 episodes, all of which have been dubbed into English.

The Doclopedia #1,253

The Alphabet: H is for…

Hats…the wearing of which will get you arrested, tortured and killed in the Trofiddien Empire on Fantasy Earth 6. It seems that when he was 22 and a brand new Emperor, His Imperial Perfection Kaksor II was very nearly assassinated 5 times in 8 days by men and women wearing hats. Being a fine product of royal inbreeding, this pushed him right over into Crazyland and caused him to outlaw all hats. Over the years, he also outlawed cats, rats, bats, mats and spats because they sounded like “hats”. Nothing has changed to weaken this law, despite the current age of Kaksor II being 101.



Patreon Backer Shoutout!

Carol Robinson, Mark A Schmidt, Loyd Blankenship and Derek Pearcy have all backed this blog. Thank you all!

If YOU would like to back me on this blog, and maybe even on a podcast, just go here…

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Sudden Depth Playoff

…pretty common in whales sports


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The Doclopedia #1,250

The Alphabet: G is for…

Gary and the Goats…premiered in September of 1975 as part of the National Broadcasting Company’s (NBC) “Comedy Tuesday” lineup. It came on at 8:30 pm, right after “Just Two Guys”.

The premise of this half hour show was that Gary Duffman (played by Gary Crosby) shared his suburban home with four goats that were actually aliens from the planet Gorton. Since the goats could only communicate with Gary via telepathy, nobody else would believe they were aliens. Between the goats, Gary’s goofy best friend Ed and the ever suspicious Mr. & Mrs. Sullivan next door, hilarity often ensued.

In fact, hilarity ensued enough that the show ran for three years, 90 episodes. It was also one of the few shows of it’s time that had a definite ending, with the goats going home to Gorton and Gary marrying his long suffering fiancee, Patty.

The Doclopedia #1,251

The Alphabet: G is for…

Gimzelfwan…also known as Gimzelfwan the Wanderer, was a Wizard of the 11th Level during the Three Centuries of Peace. A restless soul by nature, he seldom stayed in any one place for more than a year and would often vanish into the wilderlands for a decade or two, only to pop up later with tales of his travels and adventures.

Doing so much gallivanting around meant that Gimzelfwan found may strange magical artifacts, mostly from the Imperial Era, but sometimes from the Era of Living Gods. He also uncovered much new magical and historical information. He was most warmly welcomed by Wizards and Scholars alike when he would enter a city.

At the ripe old age of 333 years old, Gimzelfwan departed from the city of Hradofar with the intention of exploring the Forests of Xoon and areas east of Mount Tandovar. He was never seen again.

Naked Is NOT The Best Disguise

…especially in heavy poison oak. Trust me on this.


The Doclopedia #1,248

The Alphabet: F is for…

Friendly Cove…a small community that is only friendly so that they can lure in tourists they can then eat! Yep, all 200 people in the town are cannibals. Additionally, nobody in Friendly Cove is under 50 years old and almost all of them are related by blood to old Edgar Friendly, founder of the town and demon cursed cannibal.

Because Friendly Cove is way off the beaten path, only a few tourists ever end up there. Often these are young folks looking for adventure. Later, the Deegan brothers, Ollie and Dale, drop their cars, bikes or whatever off a couple hundred miles away, along with a few personal effects. So far, after 129 years of cannibalizing folks, nobody has ever come to Friendly Cove asking questions.

The Doclopedia #1,249

The Alphabet: F is for…

French Magic…that impressive and stylish looking form of spellcasting that is neither as efficient as German Magic, as straightforward as British Magic, as seemingly haphazard, yet still astoundingly effective as American Magic, as emotionally charged as Spanish Magic or as bloody dangerous as Irish Magic. Indeed, only Italian Magic ranks lower than French Magic.

But holy crap, French Magic looks great!

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A Bit Of Light Spanking, Then Some Pie

…Mmmm, pie

The Doclopedia #1,246

The Alphabet: E is for…

Elvis Clones…
really are clones of the late Elvis Presley. On Earth 2-D, Elvis lived to be 60 years old, dying May 9th, 1995 of complications from a viral infection. Years before, however, Elvis became fascinated by cloning and donated $5,000,000.00 to the University of California, San Francisco, to advance cloning technology. He also donated his own DNA, joking that maybe someday, there could be an All Elvis Band.

The first three clones were born in October of 2023 to three volunteer mothers, each of whom received $25,000.00, but did not know the babies were Elvis clones. All three babies were healthy and had no health problems beyond those that are normal. Two years later, 7 clones were born and two years after that, 5 more.

All of the babies were adopted out to people that knew the babies were Elvis clones, but were legally forbidden from talking about it. Of course, the world eventually found out in 2038 when the three oldest clones (who lived in three widely separated states) caught the eye of Elvis fans and the media. When it was announced that 15 Elvis clones were out there, it was all the news cycle covered. For about ten days. After that, a meteor strike in the Indian ocean and the resulting 150 foot tall tsunami occupied everyone’s attention.

By and large, the 15 boys grew up with way less publicity than one might expect. As of the current date, 2058, all of them are healthy adults. Three are gay, 10 are straight and 2 are transitioning to females. Although they have many different professions, none of them are musicians or actors.



The Doclopedia #1,247

The Alphabet: E is for…

Escape From P.A. One… is the title of a true story about how Lan Tolliver, Yen Ma Wu and Kam Goodfaith escaped from Prison Asteroid One on December 10th, 2130. The story is told in a very straightforward style and Goodfaith, the author, makes no excuses for the fact that all three men were career criminals and Resistance leaders working against the New World Government. He details every bit of the planning and execution of the escape, as well as the first few days back on Earth. He includes bits of news reports and several previously thought to be top secret communiques between EarthGov and P.A. One.

The book was not published until 15 years after the escape and 5 years after the government fell and UniGov took it’s place. All proceeds went to providing health and education services to the poor. To this day (September, 2059, nobody knows where Tolliver, Wu and Goodfaith went or even if they are still alive.

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Trapping The Wild Podcaster

…so you can release them later at a convention


The Doclopedia #1,244

The Alphabet: D is for…

Disco Detective…was the hero of a series of 10 paperback novels published between 1976 and 1979. The main protagonist was former cop Lance Cutter, who was now a private eye and professional disco dancer. He was aided by his “brother man”, Julius “Jetstream” Daniels, also a pro dancer. Together, they traveled from city to city solving crimes, dancing and scoring with the ladies. Two low budget movies “Dallas Disco Killer” and “Death Dances In Miami”, were released in 1979.

The Doclopedia #1,245

The Alphabet: D is for…

Dream Duck…is a manifestation of Drazzkural, the goddess of dreams. In her Dream Duck form, she leads the dreamer into happy playful dreamlands that calm their troubled waking minds. The dreamer often wakes up giggling. Dream Duck never looks the same way in any two dreams.



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Not In This Issue: Peas, Roman Baths or Fainting Goats

…or non-fainting goats.

The Doclopedia #1,242

The Alphabet: C is for…

Crab Invasion…of 1966, when millions of large mutant crabs created by atomic bomb testing in the Pacific Ocean came onto the beaches of Australia. Measuring as much as a meter across the shell, these fast moving crustaceans killed and ate over 400 humans and countless other animals before they were, destroyed by flamethrowers and napalm bombs. So far as scientists know, none survived. A motion picture about the event came out in 1970.

The Doclopedia #1,243

The Alphabet: C is for…

Crunchy Chunks…the favorite breakfast cereal of androids everywhere! Composed of bits of various minerals and organic matter, Crunchy Chunks give your internal maintenance nanites all of the material they need to keep you repaired and functioning at optimal efficiency. Purchase Crunchy Chunks today! And try our newest flavors: Carbon/Wool Swirl and Titanium Spice!

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…Hey, that’s not water!


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The Doclopedia #1,240

The Alphabet: B is for…

Beetles & Battles…is the #1 roleplaying game on the Earth 2-C Mars colony. Based upon the 120 year old roleplaying game Dragons & Dungeons, players take the role of 100 pound mutant beetles that are fighting to settle the world after humankind has died off. Player races include 7 species of beetle. Player classes are fighter, flyer, healer, psion and digger. Weapons are mostly swords or spears. Monsters include moles, skunks, assorted birds and the deadly raccoon.


The Doclopedia #1,241

The Alphabet: B is for…

Beer Man…was a minor superhero in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, in the 1970’s and early 80’s. He was quite popular with Wisconsinites during that time

Beer Man got his powers of super strength, near invulnerability and super speed when Mike Dublonsky fell into a vat of contaminated beer at the old Smudd brewery. Before he could climb out, the vat was struck by lightning and hit by a strange glowing meteor. When Mike finally got out, he had super powers. He was also about half drunk.

Mike soon found out that his powers only manifested when he was tipsy. For years, just before going out to rescue people in trouble or fight some evil doer like Cheese Crook, Mike would pound down a couple of quarts of beer. Alas, this was also his undoing. Years of daily heavy drinking took their toll on his health. In 1983, when his wife threatened to leave him and take his kids, Mike hung up his Beer Man suit and joined AA.

Now 33 years sober, Mike looks back on his days as Beer Man fondly and has written 3 books about his exploits.

Doc Tempest VS The Master Of Murder

…from the August 1953 issue

Monday Patreon Backer Shoutout!

Carol Robinson, Mark A Schmidt, Loyd Blankenship and Derek Pearcy have all backed this blog. Thank you all!

If YOU would like to back me on this blog, and maybe even on a podcast, just go here…



And now, another go ’round at an old Doclopedia theme, The Alphabet

The Doclopedia #1,238

The Alphabet: A is for…

Abonongo…which is the name of the Great Forest Tyrant of the Korakoka Jungle. Although exact descriptions of Abonongo are almost non-existent due to him/her/it killing and eating people, the few reports by survivors agree that he/she/it is at least 40 feet tall, covered in greenish blue hair and has a wide mouth full of very long and sharp teeth. Abonongo is bipedal and has anywhere from 4 to 6 long clawed fingers on each hand. It’s hard to count when you are running and screaming

Abonongo can sleep for as long as 5 years, but the longer he sleeps, the more he eats upon awakening. As a result, the indigenous people of the Korakoka Jungle are among the fastest runners on their planet.



The Doclopedia #1,239

The Alphabet: A is for…

Atrimus the Avenger…On Earth 3-B, during the Napoleonic Wars, a masked man caused no end of trouble for the French, doing everything from kidnapping French officers to blowing things up to, in 1809, successfully diverting an entire supply train into the hands of the Spanish. 1810, there was a fifty thousand franc bounty on Atrimus. Napoleon’s hatred of him knew no bounds, something the British took advantage of by leaving posters of “Little Boney” getting taunted by Atrimus wherever they could.

At first, Napoleon was convinced that Atrimus was British, but over time realized that he could be any of a dozen nationalities. Identification was made even more difficult by the fact that Atrimus almost never spoke and was seldom seen close up. However, by 1812, just a month before Napoleon invaded Russia, evidence was found that proved that Atrimus was French. Napoleon went berserk, ordering his forces back in France to start rounding up anyone they might think knew who Atrimus was and start questioning them. Three days later, a series of bombs went off along the French Main column, killing dozens and injuring hundreds. Such attacks happened all during the Russian campaign.

When Napoleon returned to Paris, he was greeted by his officers, who told him they had not found Atrimus, but knew he was in Spain the night before. This proved to be false when, less than an hour later, Napoleon Bonaparte and 27 other men were blown to pieces by a series of blasts that leveled the building they were in. At the same time in a dozen other places, military officers of the higher ranks were blown up or shot by snipers. The reign of Napoleon ended much sooner than in our world. Atrimus the Avenger was never heard from again.

For nearly 120 years, the world wondered who Atrimus was. The favorite theory was that “he” was actually a small group of men acting together. But in 1930 a small wooden box was left at the headquarters of the Surete. The box was sealed with Napoleon’s own seal and experts agreed it had been put there around the time of his death. Carved into the top of the box was an ornate “A”. When it was opened, it was found to contain several items that Atrimus was known to have stolen. Along with these was a letter that read.

“To whom it may concern,

By now we are long dead, as are our children and, perhaps, our grandchildren. If you seek the true identity of Atrimus the Avenger, seek it not among the rich, not among the military and certainly not among men. Seek it among women who grew tired of husbands, brothers, lovers and sons going off to war to die. Seek it among the very last group Napoleon would think of.

But do not hope to learn our true names. Those died the day Atrimus was born.

Vive la France!”

Dye Hard

…a little shout out to tie dyers

DogCon 9

Day Seven: In which we spend our last day at the con and finish it off with plans for next year.

This will be short and sweet, folks, since it is almost 1:00 am and the bus is rocketing across our great country at just under 150 miles per hour. Fortunately, we are cloaked and using back roads.

We had our final Critter City breakfast at Waffles From Outer Space, after which the day was all about playing games, buying games & other geekery, attending seminars and giving seminars. Spike, Daisy and I were all on the “Ask A GM Anything” seminar and then Spike and I were on a panel with two other folks for the “We Loves It/We Hates It” seminar. Both of those were the same great fun as every year.

The Post Con Cool Down party was quite different this year. Oh, there was still a huge variety of pies to try and much chatting and goodbye saying, but there was also a six page questionnaire about what we would like to see at the con next year, for the tenth anniversary. Over 1,600 people filled them out, plus in a few days it will be available to fill out online. Folks, there were many great ideas floated, let me tell you.

We left Critter City at 7:30, headed to Baltimore to drop off Spike & Mary, then New Hampshire to drop off Avis, Ginie, Leon & Roxie. After that we will make a beeline for home.

At some point in the not too distant future, I’ll expand this year’s report and add in missing critter comments, but for now, bedtime beckons. Until next year, this is Doc signing off.

DogCon 9

is over.
But we will all be back next year for…

CritterCon 10

(even if some of us go to GenCon)

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Introducing Luke Skywalker Cross


And now we are six.

Doc, Grace, Silky, Sasha & Daisy Cross are very happy to introduce our newest family member, Mr. Luke Skywalker Cross. Luke is a Basset Hound/Standard Poodle mix, 8 years old and has had a very rough last few months. His owners died, he looks to have been a stray for a while and he got pretty badly hurt when he was hit by a car. He has healed up from the injuries, but being an older dog, was getting passed over at the shelter.

Cross family to the rescue!

Adopted today, we will get him cleaned and groomed, then put a few pounds on his underweight body. Luke is a gentle fellow who is fascinated by The Girls and eager to sniff out his new home. For their part, The Girls seem to have accepted him pretty quickly, as is the manner of Bassets and other hounds traditionally kept in packs.

He will be going onto the Magic Bus soon, so as to get up to mental speed with The Girls and Grace & I. Being half poodle, I’m thinking he will be smart. Being surrounded by three sisters, he will probably be smart to not bug them too much.

Pix coming after his grooming session.

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Chapter 704: In Which Our Hero, Being Without Funds, Cons A Pig Farmer Into Giving Him A Five Pound Note


…and a rasher of bacon.


DogCon 9

Day Six: In which I  update this report throughout the day, just to be different.

8:00 am: We started our day with a delicious breakfast at Pancakeville. That place never skimps on the portions. I highly recommend the cheesecake pancakes.

9:00 am: While most of our traveling band went off to play various games, Sasha and I did a seminar entitled “Mad Science In Your Game”. It was well attended and the audience had many thoughtful and borderline disturbing questions.

10:15 am: With Sasha off to address meeting of the Central Texas Non-Human Terran Association, I got into a game of Lords of Waterdeep. I am not winning, but it’s fun and it should be done in time for me to meet Grace & The Girls for lunch.


12:00 pm: We had lunch at Curry On Eating!, a damn fine new Indian buffet. We were joined by Avis and Ginie. There is some small possibility that we all crossed the line into “Ate Too Much” territory, but damn, fresh warm naan and goat curry!


1:00 pm: We met up with the rest of our party and some other folks for a rehearsal of tonight’s Old Time Radio broadcast of “The Adventures of Doc Mystery: The Laughter of Death!”. It will be an hour long and run from 8:00 to 9:00.

2:30 pm: Spike, myself and 4 other gamers over 50 did a panel  called “You Kids Get Outta My Dungeon!”, which for being a bunch of old farts talking about gaming pre-1990, was well attended and full of laughs.

4:00 pm: I ran another Toon game, this time for 24 players, including Grace, Silky, Sadie, Lauren, Mary and Max. It ran for 2 hours and we probably had 50-60 spectators at any one time. I was knackered when it was done.

6:30 pm: We had dinner at Chez Mom’s. I ate a chicken fried steak the size of a large frisbee.

7:45 pm: We are all in the Green Room at station KRTR awaiting the start of our show. More bloggage later before yet another party.

9:15 pm: Radio show finished. Some of us (Grace, Mary, Silky, Lauren, Sadie) went back to the hotel to relax and sleep. The rest of us are heading to the Costume Party, This year the theme is Zombie Robots, costumes will be provided.


2:30 am: Tipsy, but not drunk, Sasha and I are back from eating chili after the party. It was another very fun party, considering everybody was made up to look like badly rusted robots. We shall sleep now.



Radical Lorikeets Angered My Skinks

…you do not want to deal with angry skinks

DogCon 9

Day Seven: In which, while we humans eat an expensive dinner prior to yet another party, the critters discuss their day at the con.

Sasha: I started the day playing in the live critters only dungeon with Silky, Roxie and Sadie.

Sadie: It was lots of fun! I played a thief.

Roxie: I was a wizard of the School of Fire. I fried several zombies and a bugbear,

Silky: I was the cleric of the party, Sister Orella. I had my work cut out for me between healing Sasha & Sadie and smiting unbelievers.

Sasha: I was a barbarian with a bigass sword. We kicked ass.

Daisy: Max and I played board games until I had to do my panel on GMing.

Max: Yeah, I really liked “Mars Explorer”. It’s a competitive, but you also get points for helping other players out of jams.

Leon: I got into a minis war game at 8:00 am that lasted 6 hours. It was United Planetary Marines versus Martian Warbots on Mars. It was a pretty fast moving game considering there were 10 players.

Max: After Daisy went off to do her panel, I played a game of Paranoia with Sasha and Sadie. That was some funny shit.

Sadie: Yeah, we blew through about 4 clones each before we even got out of the briefing room.

Sasha: And another 3 down in R&D!

Roxie: Silky and I went to watch some anime. The first few episodes were Magic Girl stuff, which is fine, but then they started showing some goofy high school romance comedy that was just too goofy.

Silky: Yeah, the Japanese have a different sense of humor, for sure.

Leon: When my game finished, I went to the all cat play area. It was fun for a couple of hours. Then I went to the Dealers Room and bought some minis.

Sasha: Yeah, the three of us hit the Dealer’s Room, then went to the arcade to play the hell out of Pac Man and the like.

Max: I rule at Venture!

Sadie: I set a new personal record for Centipede.

Roxie: Sounds like we all had a fun day. So, who wants to order room service before we meet the humans at the party?

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No Man’s Lamb

…those sheep belong to Little Bo Peep!

DogCon 9

Day Six: In which I do a very cursory bit of reportage on my day, with critter commentary.

The Summer of Love party last night was great, especially for those of us who actually grew up in the 60’s. However, as often happens when one dances the night away and consumes alcohol, today was a rather slow starting day.
(Daisy: Max and I danced all night at our party and we were fine today.)
(Silky: That’s because you’re 5. I think I wore out 3 of my legs.)

(Sasha: I’m beginning to think that 7.5 years old is too old for the mosh pit. Even my ears hurt this morning.)

Breakfast: We ate at Waffles From Outer Space, where they made some special veggie waffles for Max and fish topped waffles for the cats.

(Max: Oh man, those waffles were the shit! Yum!)

(Leon: Waffles topped with tuna are my new love.)

Seminars: I gave one entitled “Time, The Multiverse & You” and it had a full house. I went to one Spike was on called “Editors: Threat Or Menace?”. That one was full, too.
(Max: Mr. C. was in rare form at his seminar. It was funny as hell. )

Games: I ran a Toon game. It was “The House That Jerks Built” scenario. As usual, it went very well. I played in a short session of Feng Shui, in which I was a Scrappy Kid. After lunch and a long stroll through the dealer’s room, I joined Spike and Grace in a life sized game of “Kill Dr. Lucky”.

Other Fun: I bought an hour hookup to a robot at GenCon and went around saying hi to my friends up there.

(Sasha: I did the same thing an hour before my longass X-Files game.)

Lunch: Partaken of at Taco The Town. I won a tamale eating contest.

Purchases: Too much to list.

(Sadie: My dad did the same thing, and this after he went hog wild at that pulp show.)

Dinner: Ate with a big group at Big Slabs O’ Meat .

(Daisy: MEAT COMA!)

Leaving now for tonight’s party. No theme, just lots more partying.

More blog-o-rama tomorrow.

Hot Damn! It’s The Dancing Elks!

…and they’re wearing tuxedos

DogCon 9

Day Five: In which we reach Critter City, meet up with lots of friends and prepare to party.

Having spent the night less than an hour from Critter City, we all got up late today, around 9:30. After a fairly light breakfast, we got on the road and rolled under the big dome at 11:45.

After parking in the Hyatt underground and then getting all of our stuff into our suites, we went to meet assorted friends and then get our con badges and swag bags. Among the first dozen friends we met were Brian Misiaszek, his wife & daughter & dog. The Misiaszek family and Sadie have traveled to this con with us before several times and Brian is always involved in a couple of the old time radio productions we do, to say nothing of panels and games.

The swag bags at DogCon are always good and this year was no exception.Our bags included…

A t-shirt depicting a movie starring ConDog, the lovable mutt mascot of the con as “Dogtor Strange” and looking sort of Cumberbatchy.

Three six sided dice (mine were electric blue) with the 6 replaced by the DogCon 9 logo.

A poster for a low budget, Kickstarted movie called “It Came From Under Space”, which looks to feature a giant mole.

A super yummy (and safe for critters) lemon cookie the size of a tea saucer.

A book of discount coupons for favorite eateries like Chez Mom’s, Thai One On, Ed’s Big Weenie, Pizza My Heart, Waffles From Outer Space! (BACON & BUTTER FLAVORED SYRUP!) and Mistress Diana’s Breakfast Dungeon, plus a few free drink coupons.

A mini board game called “Carp Wars”

The con book, which this year is done up to look like a steampunk Journal Of SCIENCE!

Having gotten our swag, we all made our way to Ed’s Big Weenie to eat delicious hotdogs and look through the con book.

Since I have your attention, I will note that besides the seminars, panels and games that Spike, Brian, Peter, Sasha, Daisy and I run, this year will see Grace & Mary as part of a 6 person panel with the title “I Married A Gamer”. I am told it has already been moved twice to larger rooms.

And now we are back from dinner at Thai One On and are letting our tummies rest before heading out to the pre-con party and alcohol fest. This years theme is “Marvel VS DC” and costumes are provided. Oh, yeah, this year, there is also a critters only party sponsored by Non-Human Terrans of Texas. The theme for that party is “Summer of Love”.

More blogging tomorrow.


The One Day Late, But Still Shiny New, Story of Mostly Purple Patty And The Talking Ginko Tree.

…c0-starring her pet mink, Alma


DogCon 9

Day Four: In which we visit a bunch of places and then attempt to change history.

Our day, which began at 7:00 am, was longer than the actual hours of daylight and was pretty tiring. Because of this, you get the condensed report.

Places we visited

The Haunted Ranch House: Legend has it that in 1989, the lady of this remote place went batshit insane and killed her husband, her mother and father in law and three cousins. Since then, the place has reportedly been the site of all sorts of spooky shit, enough that nobody has lived here since 1960. The solemn, yet perky young Texas A&M coed that lead our tour showed us the areas where bodies were found and where spooky stuff was said to have happened, Sadly, nothing spooky happened on our 45 minute tour. Note: This place was destroyed by arson in 1994.

Rattlesnake Acres: This is your basic small farm that has been dedicated to housing 2,500 rattlesnakes of about 20 species and 18 subspecies. It’s pretty interesting and more than a bit scary. Unlike most Texas rattlesnake establishments, this place only milks them for antivenin and does not kill them for their sdkins. They also breed rare and endangered species of rattlers. Note: Still in business in 2016.

Jesusland: This is, or was, a sort of small fundamentalist theme park. In 1986, it has been open just over a year. There was a small roller coaster, a merry go round, bumper cars and a few other rides, all with a Biblical theme. There were maybe 200 people there today. Note: Jesusland closed in 1990, reopened in 1992, closed again in 1997 and was razed to make way for a Wal Mart in 2004.

Tiny Town: Yet another example of the type of roadside attraction based upon people with plenty of spare time building tiny houses and stuff and assembling them into a town. This one has an Old West theme and was somewhat more intricately built. Note: Still open in 2016, their 79th year.

Bob & Bessie’s Big Bad Barbecue: This alliterative place is where we stopped for lunch and the chow was crazy good. Some of the best barbecue I’ve ever eaten, which is saying something. Note: Still open and with three times the seating in 2016.

After all those stops, plus driving nearly halfway across Texas, we stopped for a bit so everyone but Spike, myself and Sasha could take a nap. The three of us, however, had other things to do, or rather, undo.

With Sasha along as a skeptical observer, Spike and I traveled forward in time and space to Roosevelt, Washington in 2010. We were right outside the building housing “Uncle Ferdie’s Trained Squirrel Review”. Yes, the same trained squirrel show that Lucy, Winker and Flash caused a riot at on our trip to DogCon 3. Our goal was to prevent that debacle AND another one a few years later.

Now, changing history is impossible, as Spike and I have learned the hard way. However, making sure history happens is dead easy. What we did today was a twist on the latter, but not really. Here’s how it went.

Spike and I set our ambush up about 5 minutes before our 2010 bus crew arrived as the humans got off the bus, we neuralized them and had them get back on the bus. Then we zapped them AND the critters, gave them memories of the whole event, then told them to drive 10 miles down the road, wait for half an hour, then proceed on with the trip, false memories intact. It worked like a charm.

Sasha’s jaw nearly hit the pavement.

We then went forward in time to our second visit to Uncle Ferdie’s, then implanted more false memories of a debacle. Again, it worked like a charm. We even implanted the thing were if we google Uncle Ferdie, we remember reading how he closed down a year after the Second Great Riot.

Except, of course, he didn’t. Uncle Ferdie’s Trained Squirrel Review is still in Roosevelt, Washington and doing 4 shows a day, 6 on weekends.

When we returned to 1986, we told everyone what we had done and they were pretty amazed. Spike and I celebrated with milkshakes.

And now we are at an RV camp about 45 minutes from Critter City, preparing to hit the sack. Tomorrow: the pre-con usual stuff,

More blogging soon.


…of course, you do have to feed them a baby or two

DogCon 9

Day Three: In which we do not have the most interesting of days, but still manage to spin off a new timeline or two.

It was hot in New Mexico today, averaging 103 most of our way across the state. Our East Coast contingent does not deal well with hot dry weather, so that plus a surprising lack of places we wanted to stop made the trip a mostly driving one.

Travel Tip: You cannot go all the way across New Mexico on I-10 because after Las Cruces (about a third of the way across the state) it dives down into Texas. Thus, we split off to Route 70 when we left Las Cruces, took that to Alomogordo, then took Route 82 the rest of the way to the Texas border.

Aside from stopping for lunch at a swell Mexican Restaurant in Alamogordo for lunch before going to learn all about how the USA learned to blow shit up atomically at White Sands Visitor Center, we stopped at two other places.

First was “The Strange Spot”, a place a few miles off I-10 near Deming where the desert rocks are set up in such a way as to cause multiple echoes and strange sounds from the wind in a sort of maze-like 50 acre area. You ride through it in golf carts and stop every few minutes to yell, then listen, then take pictures. The whole tour takes about 45 minutes and I’m pretty sure that without the small personal cooling units Sasha provided, Avis and Ginie would have melted away. But it was worth the buck fifty each and we did get t-shirts, bumper stickers and other stuff.

The next place was in the town of Artesia, where we came across the “New Mexico Youth Talent Show” being held in a rather large high school gymnasium. Now, at first, we were going to just pass it by, but when Daisy saw the sign saying “Free Admission” and “Everyone under the age of 18 free to perform” she told me to stop, then gathered the other critters and went off to the Meadow Room for a meeting.

About 45 minutes later, after the rest of us had played a couple of rounds of “Love Letter” and “Murder of Crows”, they came and said we needed to take the bus back in time to just before the event started at 10:00 am (it being by then about 2:45). We did so and they went to the Clothes Closet (which is about the size of a large Wal Mart) and came out wearing very nice suits (for Max and Leon) and skirts (for Daisy, Sasha, Silky and Roxie). The clothes were vintage early 60s lounge act looking.

Going into the gym, we noted that there were maybe 50 other acts and about 600 spectators. The critters signed up as the “Smooth Tones” from Taos. We humans got our seats and began a quiet conversation about what the hell was up. We didn’t worry about changing history, but we did wonder if this might cause some sort of temporary local disturbance that might see us making a hasty retreat to the bus.

The Smooth Tones were the fifteenth act on, coming after singers, dancers, magicians, two trained dog acts (one very good) a poetry reading and a couple of young men with excellent juggling skills. As the critters (in their teenage android bodies, I remind you) came out, the stage lights dimmed and they began an slow and loungy a cappella version of “Video Killed The Radio Star”, no doubt spurred by today being the 35th anniversary of the launching of MTV. They were terrific, as you might imagine from sentients with perfect pitch due to android bodies. The crowd, never having heard the song, was dead silent. Spike leaned over to me and asked my odds on this spinning off a new timeline, seeing as it was 5 years before the song would be released in England and 6 years before MTV would debut. I put it at about 85%.

When the song was done (including lead singer Max pointing right at a local TV camera as he sang “Put the blame on VTR!”) the crowd went wild. The critters came up to join us, followed by several young folks and a guy who gave them his card and said he was a talent agent from Dallas.

We watched another two hours of acts, including a young lady who sang a hymn with a voice that indeed sounded like that of an angel. The crowd loved her.

After all 50 acts had done their thing, the entire crowd got to vote. Angel Voice came in First, the Jugglers came in Second and the Smooth Tones came in Third. They won $100.00. They also signed a shitload of autographs, which I reckon raised the new timeline spinoff to 100%. Then we took out leave back to our proper time.

Note: The hundred bucks was donated to a local charity.

Having spun off an alternate timeline where, in a few years folks would say, “Hey, the Buggles ripped off that song!”, we drove the rest of the way to Highway 18, then down to Hobbs, where we are stopped for the night. We have all praised the Smooth Tones, in particular Max, and they will get their favorite meals for dinner, lovingly prepared by ChefBots Alton, Julia & Jacques. The rest of us will be eating Indian fare, also prepared by the ChefBots.

Entertainment tonight will be six half hour episodes of “Doc Savage: The Animated Adventures”, which make up the story arc “Devil Doctor”, featuring Doc vs Fu Manchu.

Tomorrow, it’s Texas and 1986! More blogging soon.