Life’s A Long Song

…but the tune ends to soon for us all

 

The following three entries are about alternate world versions of my friend Jeff Mackintosh, a totally swell guy from Canada who recently lost his fight with cancer. Now, I could have written something sad and serious that goes well with the lump in my throat and the tears in my eyes, but that is neither how I roll here on the Doclopedia, nor how Jeff would have wanted it. I just wish I could have finished these when he could have read them. Here’s to you, Jeff.

The Doclopedia #1,290

Jeff Mackintosh: International Superspy

Wherever there are evil plans to be stopped, madmen to be dealt with, hired goons to be calmly shot, martinis to be sipped and beautiful women to be seduced, you’ll find Jeff Mackintosh, secret agent for Canadian Intelligence.

Recruited into the Service at a young age, Jeff soon proved himself a fast learner when it came to tracking down foreign agents, escaping from deathtraps and unhooking a woman’s bra with one hand while shooting commies with his other. He also scored top of his class in Looking Cool, Witty Quips, and Disarming Bombs With Only Seconds Left.

Jeff has saved Canada and the rest of the Free World so many times that secret agents all over the world now refer to doing so as “Jeffing it”. Evil dictators fear him as they do nothing else. Rumor has it that a former leader of North Korea actually died from a heart attack when he misheard a cook talking about a load of Mackintosh apples arriving that day.

When he is not saving the world, Jeff enjoys driving insanely cool cars, eating gourmet food and looking damned good in a well tailored suit.

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The Doclopedia #1,291

Jeff Mackintosh: Rock Star

Are you ready to rock your asses off?” is the line that Jeff Mackintosh yells out before every concert given by his band, The Jeffsters. Formed in 1990 with, oddly enough, three other guys named either Jeff or Geoff, the band later added a keyboardist, Tom (AKA “NotJeff”), and started touring, as they put it, “every hole in the wall bar, tavern & saloon in Canada”. They also played at many high school dances and a couple of weddings. On a good paying night, the band could sleep in a tiny fleabag motel room.

After three years of non-stop touring in Canada, the band headed south and toured the United States. There were more gigs and the pay was better, but the best part of the tour was when they got a contract to do an album for the Faultline label out of Los Angeles. The album itself ended up having lukewarm sales, but the guys did get a Top 30 hit off of it with “Canadian Beaver”, a song that had little to do with flat tailed rodents.

With the success of that song, the band got a two record deal with A&M and their second album “Big Mike” (because it showed a big microphone on the cover), had 3 top ten hit songs and went gold. The third album was even more successful. The rest is history.

On stage, Jeff is famous for his long curly hair, skin tight leather pants and fancy guitar work. He is also famous for inviting young ladies onto both the stage and the tour bus. Groupies always remark what a nice guy he is, usually with a naughty giggle.

It should also be known that Jeff and the band donate large amounts of money to Canadian charities. Every year they do at least 5 benefit shows.

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The Doclopedia #1,292

Jeff Mackintosh: Product of SCIENCE!

Yes, that is Jeff Mackintosh over there. Yes, THE Jeff Mackintosh. Know him? Hell, lady, I was there when they took him out of the tank! Boy, what a day that was. See, he was physically 10 years old, but we couldn’t get him past age 2 mentally until we decanted him. Let me tell you, a giant sized 2 year old…see, he was about 1.5 meters tall and weighed around 80 pounds…is no fun to deal with. He was upset and yelling “NO!” and tossing technicians around like they were ragdolls. Finally, Mr & Mrs Mackintosh, his parents, stepped in and darned if he didn’t calm right down. Oh, he did crack two of his dad’s ribs hugging him, but it was an accident.

Yeah, his parents gave him to us as a newborn, so the Canadian Science Institute could try out Project X on him. See, we knew it wouldn’t hurt him, but truth to tell, we thought we’d just fix a couple of small birth defects and enhance his strength. Shows you what we knew. By the time he was in the tank an hour, readings were going every which way. He was growing fast and we had to power everything down to about 10% just to have a handle on it. We plugged in the brain to brain interface, hooked the Mackintosh’s up and let them raise a baby from 1 day old to 2 years in about a week. Of course, he grew much faster physically, but once he was out of the tank, he went back to normal aging and caught up to the 10 year mental level in about 2 months.

Now look at him, all grown up and as strong as 5 men and smarter than any 20. He heals up really fast, too, and has senses better than many animals. Pity he declined the adamantium claws, but we knew that was a long shot anyway. Did I mention he can see in the dark? Well, he can!

What does he do? Why, lady, he fights crime and terrorists and makes scientific discoveries and all sorts of other stuff. Tonight, he’ll be giving a talk about that new solar reactor he designed that they’re building out in Alberta. That thing will power half the province, you wait and see!

Hey, he’s looking this way. Why don’t you walk up and say hello? Heck, even the Man of SCIENCE! Might need a date tonight.

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