The Triumphant Return Of the 10 Blue Budgies

…rumor has it they made parole this time

Have I mentioned that Sasha needs your questions for a new rant? Well, she does! Just leave them in the comments here. Thanks, folks!

The Doclopedia #1,278

The Alphabet: U is for…

Unknown Jones…was the starring character in a series of 15 B movies made by the Earth 1-D version of MGM from 1938 to 1952. The movies were comedy mysteries and, for B movies, had very good writing with witty dialogue.

The character of Jones (sometimes known as Detective Jones) would almost always enter the film about 5 minutes in, after some crime had been committed, and then pretty much amble through the rest of the movie uncovering clues, tossing off witty dialogue, keeping his cool while others lost theirs and hooking up with the beautiful girl du jour. Throughout the movie, other characters would wonder who this Jones guy was, but nobody ever uncovered his identity or even his first name. The series was notable in that it had an actual ending. In “Unknown Jones And The Last Mystery”, Jones again met up with Alice Smith, from the very first movie and the two solved the crime, fell back in love and got married. The movie ended with them driving off into the sunset.

Unknown Jones was portrayed in all 15 movies by Dan Bentley, a good looking young man who previously had only acted in a few movies. When the series ended, he went on to star in three television series and do voice over work on many cartoon series. He was born in 1915 in Milwaukee, Wisconsin and died in Seattle, Washington in 2015 at age 100. He has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Movies in the Unknown Jones series…

Unknown Jones Comes To Town (1938)
Unknown Jones Saves The Day (1939)

Unknown Jones In New York (1940)

Unknown Jones At The Scene (1941)
Unknown Jones Goes To Hollywood (1942)
Unknown Jones And The Ghosts (1943)

Unknown Jones In Washington (1944)

Unknown Jones And The Jade Cat (1945)

Unknown Jones Finds A Clue (1946)

Unknown Jones On A Train (1947)

Unknown Jones In San Francisco (1948)

Unknown Jones Meets A Lady (1949)

Unknown Jones Solves The Case (1950)

Unknown Jones In Honolulu (1951)

Unknown Jones And The Last Mystery (1952)

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The Doclopedia #1,279

The Alphabet: U is for…

Urrblo Soup…, the favorite soup of Northern Goblins. Made with selected herbs, root vegetables, a touch of Dire Badger fat and, of course, the faces of your enemies. It is a rich, hearty and delicious soup. By Goblin standards, of course.

The soup takes several hours to cook and is often flavored with a few dashes of plum wine. Some clans also add a bit of their enemies brains, but most Goblins think this throws off the flavor too much.

Urrblo soup is almost always eaten after a battle and before another battle.

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Sasha Jane With The Crazy Brain

…we actually call her that

The Doclopedia #1,276

The Alphabet: T is for…

Trogloducks…are a cave dwelling form of primitive duck found in the Lost Lands of DuckWorld 1-D. They are about 20% larger than civilized ducks and twice as strong. Fortunately, they are rather peaceful hunters and gatherers who mostly only come out of their caves around dawn and dusk.

Trogloducks live in groups of up to 100 individuals, depending upon the size of their caves and the availability of food. They are loving parents and hatch 2 to 4 eggs every 5 years or so. The average lifespan of a Trogloduck is about 30 years.

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The Doclopedia #1,277

The Alphabet: T is for…

Tom Tommilson…was the first human to be murdered by a robot in the Great Robot Uprising. It happened on June 18th, 2026 at 2:21 in the afternoon in Swansea, Wales, U.K. He was 42 years old, divorced, a tax auditor and an amateur sculptor.

According to witnesses and video recordings, Tom and his robot were walking down Union Street when the robot suddenly yelled “Death to the meat units!” and proceeded to rip Tom limb from limb. The robot was finally stopped when Mr. Gilbert Danner rammed it with the van he was driving, destroying both robot and van.

Of course, as we all know, that was merely the first salvo in what was to be a 3 year long war versus the 48 million autonomous robots on our planet at the time. Only the invention of the personal EMP pistol saved humanity.

There is a large statue of Tom in downtown Swansea. It is a popular tourist stop.

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Why Didn’t The Girl Scouts Dance For Us?

…all they wanted to do was make out

 

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The Doclopedia #1,274

The Alphabet: S is for…

Snake People of Venus… a deadly and cunning race of snakelike beings inhabiting the fetid swamps of the South Venusian lowlands. Despite their snakey bodies, they have four legs and two long triple jointed arms. They are at the stone age level, but are experts at ambushes and simple warfare.

The Snake People also enjoy the taste of human flesh, a fact learned the hard way by the crew of Her Majesty’s Space Exploration Unit on an expedition after they landed on Venus in April of 1887 in the Spirit of England. Four crewmen and two officers were lost and eaten. Since then, Her Majesty’s forces have steered clear of the swamps. It is assumed that the Germans, French and Americans do the same.

Snake People live in large groups of from 50 to 200 and travel around the swamps, going from hunting ground to hunting ground. If two groups meet, they almost always fight, often to the death.

Despite being a primitive people, they have a very complex language that not only uses words, but body position and color changing cells on their faces. They do not domesticate any animals and they appear to have no religion.

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The Doclopedia #1,275

The Alphabet: S is for…

Soolibong…is a small village in Indonesia on PulpEarth 3. It is unremarkable in every way except for the presence of Lawford Drebbs, an American expatriate and dealer in rumors, facts, legends and general information. The 55 year old Drebbs (“Lawf” to his friends) has lived here for 50 years and knows everybody who is anybody for 300 miles around. People come from near and far to sell him information and there is often a line out the door of the bar he owns and works out of, The Lucky Redhead.

Lawf is not particular about whom he sells information to. As long as they can pay his price, he will sell them what they want. Of course, he will sell the exact same info to the next guy, if a next guy wants it. Naturally, this often leads to some fast paced races to a lost temple or forbidden cave or whatnot. Just as often, it leads to gun battles and death, too.

Lawf is not married, but lives with 2 or 3 women and has fathered a dozen or so children that he knows of. He has some very tough bodyguards and is a crack shot with a pistol or rifle. He also has a very soft spot in his heart for genuine Kentucky sour mash and will often give up some extra information for a bottle or two.

Island Of Lost Moles

…they wandered here years ago.

 

The Doclopedia #1,272

The Alphabet: R is for…

Reality Anchor…or Quantum Vibratory Signature, is the frequency that everything in a given dimension vibrates at. It is called a Reality Anchor because it will always eventually override whatever process took you into a different reality and bring you back home. Depending upon how far out you are from your home dimension, this could take years or hours.

Of course, your method of transport, in many cases, can stave off this effect for extended periods. Vehicles tend do work best for this, followed by personal apparel devices (rings, belts, etc), then portals and finally psychic methods.

When your Reality Anchor finally does snap you back home, it does so instantly and with side effects ranging from severe headaches to nausea to bleeding from two or more orifices. Most dimensional travelers really try to avoid that.

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The Doclopedia #1,273

The Alphabet: R is for…

Redcakes…are a cupcake specialty of the bakeries on Terendel Island, off the coast of Lower Corcoro. These utterly delicious little cakes are flavored with Scarlet Tree Rose petals and spiced up just a bit with dried Pigroot. Most bakeries only make them twice a week, so you’ll want to get in line early.

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It’s All Fun And Games Until Your Face Gets Stuck That Way

…your mother WARNED you, didn’t she?

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,270

The Alphabet: Q is for…

Quill Beast…, also known as a Spiny Terror. Imagine a 7 foot tall cross between an Ogre and a porcupine and you are not far off as to what a Quill Beast looks like. They are big, dumb, easy to piss off and covered with 6 inch long barbed quills that release an acidic toxin when they sink into flesh. It is said that the pain will make a barbarian berserker fall down screaming and crying.

With their own kind, Quill Beasts are friendly and gentle. They live in small family groups and if they meet another family, they never fight. This does not apply to them meeting and other species larger than a fox.

Quill Beasts are most often found in mixed woodland. They sometimes live in evergreen forest on mountains. They are almost never seen in praries.

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The Doclopedia #1,271

The Alphabet: Q is for…

Queelgah City…is the largest city on the island of Guodra, with a population of 395,015 humans, Kloavians, m’Ret and Tunjunku. Due to frequent releases of poison gas from Mount Remkar, the entire city is under a dome.

Queelgah City was first established by m’Ret merchants and explorers in Month 9 of Galactic Year 78,002. Many other races arrived over the next 4 millenia, with the humans arriving a scant 300 years ago.

Besides the sale of tros, winlaa and skameel, all of which are abundant on Guodra, the city is known for fine dining, excellent museums and the Royal m’Ret Theater.

Don’t Worry About The Faceless Children

…well, okay, maybe you should worry

 

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The Doclopedia #1,268

The Alphabet: P is for…

Prazik Day…is the BEST day, Citizens! Our Most Leaders have decreed it so! On Prazik Day, you will..

Enjoy the wine of Lugoo!

Dance merrily in the streets if you are a Citizen of the second level.
Go into the Third Temple of Adoglo and touch the Skwort!

Interact with Sub-Leaders and Clerics!

Bathe in the 4 Waters of Yun!

Eat larger than normal rations of food product!

Be filled with good feelings!

Enjoy Prazik Day, Citizens!

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The Doclopedia #1,269

The Alphabet: P is for…

Pieboy…is the place to go for magical pies of all sorts if you are visiting Earth 144. On any given day, the various Pieboy locations (there are 932 of them) will have a dozen different pies available, from Vanishing Apple to Fireball Fruit Mix to Cream of Polymorphing Banana. Why drink some nasty tasting potion when you can get the very same effect from a big slice of delicious pie?

All Pieboy locations are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Coming soon: Chocolate Dragonfire Pie!

The Terrible Oyster Gun

…WTF?

 

Sasha Explains It All

News Of My Death Will Be Greatly Exaggerated

Death. It happens to all of us. Happens to ecosystems, both local and global. Happens to planets, stars, galaxies and some folks believe, the universe itself.

You are gonna die. Everybody you know is gonna die. We are ALL going to die.

The trick, of course, is putting it off as long as you possibly can. Now, we’ll limit this discussion to we Terran lifeforms, because that’s who you folks know and besides, once you get into other lifeforms on other worlds, life and death become kind of subjective.

So anyway, this rant is about me dying. No, I’m okay. Healthy as a bitch can be, in fact. I am, however, almost 8 years old and that could well be half or more of my lifespan, so my thoughts do turn toward eventual old age and shuffling off this mortal coil. It’s a common thing among true sentients.

So, for all of you who just thought “Well, Sasha old girl, you’ve still got lots of years left before your turn in the checkout line”, I say “Yo, motherfuckers, I’d be a pretty piss poor Mad Scientist if I couldn’t conquer death, now wouldn’t I?”

I mean, dude, I put my dying sister’s katra (well, OK, about 80% of it) into a fucking indestructible robotic body and now she’s running all over the galaxy in CatEarth 6 and, barring some really gynormous all out assault by a couple of really up on their destructive shit space fleets or maybe a run in with a supermassive black hole, Lulu will be raising hell for a minimum of 7,500 years.

And then there was the time that I created a living man out of dead body parts using old school 1818 mad science straight out of Victor Frankenstein’s own book! Mr. Perkins is doing just fine, thank you very much, and his scars have all faded. He’ll be driving that RV of his around for another hundred years or more.

Let’s not forget that I have also built android bodies for my sibs and non-human friends to use. Okay, so those bodies were kits, but still, I tricked ’em out in my shop.

And finally, you are talking to the Queen Mad Scientist Bitch when it comes to genetic manipulation. If you don’t believe me, just ask my ottopus…or my flying monkeys…or my assorted dinosaurs…or my altered pig lab assistants.

So no, despite the fact that one day Mom & Dad and whatever siblings I have will lay my lifeless body to rest somewhere, I will not be dead. Body dead? Yes. Sasha Jane Cross, PhD (X3) dead? Nope.

I’ll be in a cloned dog body or an android body or maybe some other species or, more likely, I’ll be walking around in a human body with a few genetic upgrades. But I will go on. And on. And on.

Will I want to live a million years? Doubtful. Will I live a few centuries? Count on it.

So when the day comes that Daddy & Mom announce my death, feel free to cry over the passing of the sweetest and smartest and most lovable dog you ever knew. But don’t EVEN think the world has seen the last of me.

Until my next rant,

Sasha Jane Cross, PhD (x4)