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The Doclopedia #1,305

How Did You Get That Scar?: The Redneck

New York Times? You come all the way down here to hear the story? You Yankees must be short on interestin’ things to write about. I figured you’d be coverin’ the election. Ain’t Kennedy your boy? Anyway, you paid for it, so here y’all go.

It was Friday afternoon, two weeks ago. Me and my cousin Jessie had just come off shift over at the sawmill and we were sittin’ out on his front porch lookin’ at this little school bus that was parked up by the Baptist church. Damned thing was painted all sorts of colors, all splotchy like. Now, we’d only had a couple of beers, but I’d swear to Jesus that them colors on that bus kept moving and changing, but really slow.

Hell yeah, I know how that sounds. You don’t think everbody in town hasn’t said we was drunk or lyin’ or crazy? But I’m just sayin’ how it looked. Reverend Milford says it musta been the sun moving and causing it, but that damned bus was in shade the whole time!

So we watched that bus and drank another beer and pretty soon the door on it opens and out comes this old boy with long hair. I mean long like a girl. He’s maybe 60 or so. Had on sneakers, dungarees and a t-shirt with a picture of a dragon on it. White beard, mostly gray hair, pot belly, wearin’ glasses. Looked a little like one of them mountain men from back in my grandpa’s day.

He was walkin’ one of those short legged long eared dogs…yeah, a basset hound…but he wasn’t usin’ no leash. The dog just walked along next to him and he was talkin’ to it just like it was a person. Me and Jeff could tell by his accent that he was some sort of Yankee. We saw that the dog wasn’t lookin’ right, neither. It was fat as a pig and had a hunchback. Didn’t seem to hurt it none. It was just trottin’ right along, stoppin’ ever so often to sniff somethin’.

Well sir, when they get up close by us, me and Jeff decided to poke a little fun at ’em. Jeff said “Hey, are you a boy or a girl” to the feller and I said “Man, that there is one ugly damned dog”. The guy and dog both stop and look at us a second, then the he says to Jeff “Why don’t you suck my dick and find out, you halfwitted hillbilly”. Yeah, I know you can’t print that, but it’s what he said. Pissed Jeff off, too. I could tell there was gonna be a fight.

But before Jeff can even get up outta his chair, the old boy turns to me and says “You’d better apologize to my dog, dickhead. She’s very sensitive and might get mad and kick your ass.” Well, I just started laughin’ and Jeff come flying off that porch fittin’ to land on that long haired bastard and kick his ass.

Except that Yankee just sorta steps to his left, grabs Jeff as he’s flying by and tosses him into the side of my pickup. Knocked Jeff out cold and put a dent in my truck door. I jump up and yell hoe I’m gonna whup his ass and that’s when that dog started changin’.

Lord Jesus, I don’t ever wanna see anything like that again. That hump on her back and them rolls of fat changed color and turned into a damned OCTOPUS! Yes, I said octopus and I mean it. It had four of them arm things…yeah, tentacles…wrapped around the dogs body and the other four tentacles was grabbin’ me! Two had my arms all pulled out wide, one had my throat and the fourth arm started slappin’ me around. HARD!

I ain’t gonna lie, mister, I was scared like Satan was draggin’ me to Hell. That dog was strong, way stronger than me. And then she started in talkin’! I ain’t ashamed to say I wet myself then.

That dog said “Listen up, you fucking hairless ape! I’m a goddamned scientist and a respectable bitch and no fucking redneck loser like you is going to get away with insulting me!” Then she slaps me a half dozen more times before she lets me go. I took off runnin’ and didn’t look back.

I ran a couple of miles, until I was clean out of town. Then I just fell on the ground and shook and cried. I ain’t never been so scared. It was maybe an hour later that Jeff come walking up and tells me the old boy and his dog are gone now. Just got back on that bus and left town.

Now, Jeff wasn’t scared or nothin’, so I asked him what was up. He just said the guy had shined a light in his eyes and told him to leave the area, go get an education and lead a good life. He musta done that, because the next morning he packed everything into that old ’48 Ford of his and drove off. Me? I stayed drunk for three days. Been answerin’ peoples questions since I sobered up.

Nope, I don’t know who or what that old boy and his dog were and sir, I do not care to find out.

So there’s your story. What? Oh, this scar on my forehead? Well, seems that when I took off runnin’ and screamin’, I run smack into a tree. I don’t even remember it. Yeah, it does kinds look like a basset hound, don’t it?”

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