The Amazing Spider-Ant

…he is an ant bitten by a radioactive spider

The Doclopedia #1,314

Modern Magical Items: Cloak Of Commuting

Cloaks of Commuting are somewhat improperly named, since most people associate commuting with traveling on some conveyance like a train or car. The Cloak of Commuting is technically a Cloak of Teleportation that is linked between two places, your home and where you work, or vice versa. They work very well, but if you need to change either destination, a wizard will charge you a cool $2,000 and it takes a week to re-tune the cloak.

Most Cloaks of Commuting can be had for under $200.00 and are remarkably durable.

Fantastic Breasts And Where To Find Them

…What? Oh, it’s BEASTS! My bad.

The Doclopedia #1,313

Modern Magical Items: Garden Tool Golem

The first thing you need to know about Garden Tool Golems is that nobody knows who the hell is making them. They just appear one day, walking through the suburbs wearing a sign saying “Do you need help in the garden?” If you tell them yes, they ask you what you need done, then do it.

Another thing about these strange magical creations is that none of them look like any of the others. Every Garden Tool Golem is made of different garden tools and implements and they aren’t even all humanoid shaped. One of the most famous looked like a giant scorpion. His “stinger” on the tail was an electric hedge trimmer.

Garden Tool Golems will often spend years in one town, then leave late at night for another town. Nobody knows why they do it.

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Pajamas: The Playboy Dog

…he’s a smooth operator

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,312

Modern Magical Items: Brassiere Of Ultimate Comfort

As one might imagine, this item is in big demand. Calling them a brassiere is actually not true. There are no straps at all, just two cups of varying design, depending upon the needs of the woman.

While the number and type of spells used to create these bras is complex, the basic way they work is pretty simple. When activated by the command word, the bra floats under the designated breasts, then gently lifts them into position. The woman adjusts things using command until everything is just right. Easy peasy.

These bras are also enchanted to keep the breasts at a comfortable temperature, which, of course, the wearer can control. Sweaty boobs are a thing of the past, ladies. Of course, the bras are very easy to remove with just a word.

These brassieres are custom made and take about a month to make. They cost 500 American dollars and the women who own them would shoot you before they’d let you take their bra away.

The Rare And Beautiful Pig Faced Orc Of Potawango Island

…old roleplayers will get the joke

 

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,311

Modern Magical Items: Enchanted Pooper Scooper

This item looks like the sort of device owned by millions of dog owners around the world. Long handle and a scoop at the end. They come in a variety of colors.

But this pooper scooper has one important difference: it is enchanted so as to bind an incorporeal spirit into it. Most of the time, such spirits are those of dead politicians and greedy captains of industry, but in the last century, the spirits of televangelists have become popular.

Enchanted pooper scoopers are set by the dog owner to materialize any time the pooch does his business. They scoop it up and then take it to a magical waste dump that turns it into good clean soil. That soil is then spread around to areas that are badly eroded or low in organic matter.

The average price of these devices runs 300 American dollars and there is often a 2 week wait.

In The News: Two Blue Shoes And A Bag Of Screws

…owned by some shrews

 

The Doclopedia #1,310

Famous Bunnies: Murph & Brownie

On Earth 176-G, where there are no humans, there are dozens of other sentient species. Among these are the Rabbits, who specialize in the entertainment industry. Yes, bunnies act in, write, direct and produce most motion pictures and television shows. They are very good at it, too.

Two of the most famous bunny writer/performers are the duo of Murph Hopwell and Brownie Twitchtail. For over 50 years, starting in 1940, they have been writing and acting in comedy films. They have also appeared many times on television and in nightclubs.

The first Murph & Brownie film was “Rabbits On The Road”, the plot of which found them traveling across the United States in an old jalopy, staying just about a step ahead of the mobsters they owed money to. The film did great at the box office and lead to “Hare Raising House”, a haunted house spoof.

From there on, the movies came one or two a year. When television took off, Murph & Brownie were all over it. They also started doing shows in Las Vegas for two weeks a year. Their off Broadway show “Hellzahoppin” ran for two years and won 5 Tony awards.

In 1994, Murph & Brownie retired from the industry to spend their senior years with their families and to work on their book “Murph & Brownie: The Secret Of Our Success. Or Not.”

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Goat With A Shotgun

…NOT a motion picture

The Doclopedia #1,309

Famous Bunnies: Miss Twiddles

In the fall of 1950, the BBC debuted a 15 minute program called “Miss Twiddles Reads To You”, which featured a white female rabbit wearing glasses. Every weekday at 4:00 pm, Miss Twiddles would hop out onto a pillow and read from a children’s book propped up in front of her. Pictures from the book would be shown on the screen and when it was all over, Miss Twiddles would say “Well, wasn’t that a fine story? I will see you tomorrow, my friends, with another story.”

Generations of children have watched and loved Miss Twiddles. The program has won hundreds of awards and is now seen in 23 countries. No less than three documentaries about it have run on the BBC. It is an institution.

But Miss Twiddles has a secret.

The Miss Twiddles children see today is the exact same rabbit that premiered the show in 1950.

Miss Twiddles was actually born in a secret British laboratory outside Bristol in May of 1944. The only one of her litter to survive, she was eventually proven to have an exceptionally high resistance to all known pathogens. She also seems to have a near immunity to venoms and poisons. She also ages very slowly. As of 2016, she is 72 years old, but appears to be only in the early stages of bunny old age.

How did she come to be on a children’s show where everyone except her human handler, Lucy Halford, thinks she is merely one in a series of white female rabbits? The truth is, nobody knows. There is no record of her in the sealed documents from the lab and none of the scientists who worked there are still alive. Lucy only knows that she inherited Miss Twiddles from her uncle when he retired in 1995. She knows that the bunny is not normal, but she never feels the need to tell anybody. She just pretends that there is a replacement rabbit every 6 or 7 years.

Miss Twiddles is entering her twilight years and probably won’t survive more than another 25 years. If she could actually speak, she would probably say she is okay with that.

The Rocking & Rolling, But Still Pretty Much PG-13 Rated, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The All Night Party

…co-starring her best buddy, Babs Booderbog

The Doclopedia #1,308

Famous Bunnies: Larry

Larry was the companion animal of Captain Ricardo Torres, leader of the first colony on Mars. He was two years old when they left Earth and not quite three when they landed.

By all accounts, Larry was a well behaved bunny and seldom did anything naughty. He often spent his days roaming around Garden Domes 1 & 2 or in the Captain’s office. His best friend was Angus, the tabby cat belonging to Dr. Maxine Yoder.

Then the day came when Gregory Zolvich went mad and threatened to explode a bomb he was wearing in the fully packed dining hall on Christmas Day. Zolvich, a certified genius, had managed to get through the entire vetting process while hiding his insane hatred of the whole Mars colonization effort. The bomb suit he wore was big, bulky and had enough homemade explosive in it to take out half the colony.

As Zolvich stood next to a table ranting and facing the 49 other humans who made up the colony, he did not see Larry and Angus saunter in from Garden Dome 2. As he was demanding a live connection to Earth, he was totally unaware that the two pets had jumped up onto the table and were sitting behind him. Everyone else could see when the bunny, as bunnies have done for decades, began sniffing the wires leading from the detonator in Gregory’s hand to the suit full of explosives. Those who knew bunnies knew what would happen next.

Larry began chewing on the wires.

Many of the humans later said that they were certain they were going to die then. Wanting to save lives as long as possible, Captain Torres yelled “Larry, NO!”

Zolvich spun to swat at Larry, who deftly avoided him. When an angry Angus leaped up, claws and teeth ready, onto the madman’s face, there was no avoiding it. As Technician Pak Joon described it, “it was all ginger fur and blood”. Of course, Zolvich released his deadman switch, but nothing happened. Larry had defused the bomb.

Minutes later, Gregory Zolvich, his face ripped to shreds, was out of his suit and off to the brig. He was later sent back to Earth were he spent the rest of his life in prison.

Lary lived 14 more years, thanks to the lower gravity of Mars. Angus died 5 years after his best friend. Today, in the much larger version of Garden Dome 2, there is a stainless steel statue of Larry and Angus. It is the most visited spot by tourists on the entire planet.

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