…from the September 1961 issue
Sasha Explains It All
Hi, folks! Sorry this took so long but I’ve been busy doing science stuff and helping Santa during Xmas Eve. Here is some reader mail from the past few months.
My Auntie Rosie Kirkland asks “Do they (meaning aliens) have dogs? If so, what do they call them?”
Well, Auntie Rosie, it turns out that a great many sentient species have beloved animal companions. The Gliinod on Tarsus 4 have lizardy looking creatures they call Yeens. Yeens grow to about the size of a German Shepherd and will eat damned near anything they can catch, not unlike cats.
The Rasultans, who are about 85% human based, love their Jungtaws, who are about 85% dog based. The other 15% for both is a symbiotic algae. I gotta say, green dogs are pretty fucking strange looking.
The Elves on Earth 378-C domesticated Tree Dragonets, which are small wingless dragons that live in trees out in the wild. The don’t breath fire and their farts smell kind of like wood smoke.
Anyway, there are tons of dog analogs out there.
A Mr. Watson wrote to ask if we have the Ark of the Covenant in the Museum Room on the Bus.
Actually, Mr. Watson, we do have it. Well, we have A version, if not the one from our universe. It looks pretty much just like the one shown in the movies, except it has a not taped too it saying “Do NOT open this! I’m not screwing around!” and it’s signed “God”. Mom and Dad said that was good enough for them, so we coated the whole thing with Eternocrete and put a Class 9 self regenerating force field around it. Should be safe for about the next 10.75 billion years.
Finally, a text from sweetbaby900 asks if there is any version of The Crazy Game that humans can play.
You already play two versions. They’re called Politics and Religion. You suck at both.
That’s all for now, folks!
Until my next rant,
Dr. Sasha Jane Cross, PhD
The Doclopedia #1,323
Spells Gone Wild: Detect Evil
“So there we were, just about to step into the Crypt of Count Kragmore, up there in the Blackwood, and Urlin says to old Methaxis, “Cast Detect Evil on the area”. Well, the old fart was half asleep, which you can understand, what with him being 315 years old, and he gives a start and starts casting the spell.
It’s kind of sad that we took him with us, but Frandelius was sick as a dog and we had a tight schedule to keep, so we brought the old boy along. Anyway, it takes him about three minutes to cast the damn spell and when it goes off, we all start looking around for that blue glow that indicates something or somebody that’s evil.
Then we see the backpack of Gilda, our henchman, glowing to beat hell. Naturally, she gets out of it fast and we open it up to see if some bastard slipped in a cursed item. After dumping it out, we see one small bag glowing. We dump it out real careful like, and it’s just full of flour…flour with little bugs in it.
While the rest of us were laughing ourselves sick, Urlin is telling Methaxis “Damn you, deaf old fool, I said EVIL, not WEEVILS!”
Just let me drink some ale and then I’ll tell you about what happened when he was supposed to cast Feather Fall.”