Mysterious Spicy Tales Of Science Fiction Detective Horror

…they tried to cover all the bases

The Doclopedia #1,333

It’s A Trap!: In The Jungle

Okay, let’s assess the situation, shall we? That rat bastard Von Danigan told us the Temple of the Red Ape was in that last valley. He sold us a map and supplies and got us bearers. We trekked for 5 days through the hills and jungles and swamp until we got to where the map indicated, only to find not the Temple, but a damned large village of the Leopard People, who just happen to be fanatical killers of, well, everybody.

Having discovered that, we ran for our lives, barely keeping ahead of them. Sadly, it appears they have been herding us here to this clifftop where we have no place left to go except 250 feet down into that crocodile infested river. Does that about sum it up?

Yes, Miller, I can see that they’re getting closer. Yes, I’ve heard that they practice cannibalism. I’d rather not find out for sure. No, I think perhaps that you, Pickingham, M’Kenga and myself should just leap off the cliff.

Well of course we’ll probably die, Pickingham, but better to die in the fal and get eaten by crocs than let these bastards get us. Besides, that river is very deep and slow moving and we might just survive. Not sure if we should try to land on a croc or not. Probably not a good idea, but it would take a few out.

Anyway, gents, the Leopard People are within spear range, so on three! One…two…threeeeeee!”

Accurate Fart Simulation In SmartBots

a paper by Dr. Sasha Jane Cross

The Doclopedia #1,332

It’s A Trap!: In Milwaukee

What did I say, Gino? WHAT DID I SAY? I said taking this side job was a mistake. I said the G Men might be up to somethin’. I said if things went to hell we’d be fucked. AND I WAS RIGHT, WASN’T I?”

“Aw, come on, Paulie, it was supposed to be…”

“A sweet deal? All taken care of? That’s what you told me, Gino. When I was thinkin’ it was too good to be true, I asked you again and again and you said not to worry. We’ll there’s about 50 cops outside this warehouse and they’re all loaded for bear and Lucky Jake and his boys did a fast fade and I’m plenty fuckin’ worried now!”

“We still got Tony and Mikey. We can…”

“We can what, Gino? Chew a tunnel through the fuckin’ floor? Shoot it out when we have pistols, one shotgun and a few knives? Oh, wait, maybe we can just fly outta here!”

“How was I supposed to know Jake was in with the Feds? I’m sorry, Paulie, I really am. Jesus, there’s gotta be a way outta here!”

“Yeah, there’s two ways outta here. One is filled with lead and the other is goin’ the way Jake did.”

“Rattin’ out to the Feds? Christ, Big Al will have us killed.”

“Not if we talk fast and then haul ass up into Canada. I know a guy in Thunder Bay who can get us out of the country fast. He owes me.”

“But what about Tony & Mikey? They’re loyal to Big Al and they ain’t gonna turn on him.”

“Yeah, we’ll have to deal with them. Get a gun in each fist, Gino. We’re going to the other end of the warehouse to have a talk with them.”

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Not In This Issue: Raspberries, Albino Bats or Coffee Cake Recipes

…but there might be a tart recipe.

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The Doclopedia #1,331

News Of The Multiverse: Weather

Alice Springs, Australia, Earth 16-C: Nuclear tornadoes are expected to hit this town early on Thursday morning. While smaller and less intense that in previous years, it is expected that there might be as many as 16 of them. Few, if any are expected to go above F-2. Residents are advised to stay in the Deep Shelter until the storms are past and de-radiation has been done.

Blois, France, Earth 214-A: The Centre region of France will be experiencing blistering heat, snowstorms, driving rain and dense fog for the next week. This comes after an official in the regional government insulted the supervillain known as Le Maître de la Météo (The Weather Master) on television over the weekend. Appeals to the weather controlling villain fell upon deaf ears as he told the press that he would not be insulted by any pig of a politician. A large portion of the region’s population has already begun leaving the area.

Wichita, Kansas, Earth 3-J: The forcast for this week is snow. Lots of snow. Just like last week, last month, last year and the last four goddamn decades. We are nearly half a century into a new ice age caused by 100 years of global climate change, folks. This isn’t going away anytime soon. Be glad we were able to move underground. Jesus, I hate my job. Fucking snow.

Fruit School

…interesting and delicious

The Doclopedia #1,330

News Of The Multiverse: The Arts

Sacramento, California, Earth 3-B: The latest Woodstock Festival, the 48th in a row, will be held just outside this city in August of this year. A 500 acre festival grounds is being prepared. It will include dining areas, camping areas, several first aid stations and extensive bathrooms. To combat the expected 100+ degree temperatures, cooling stations will also be set up. No word yet on acts, but it is expected that Northern California stalwarts like Santana, the Grateful Dead and Huey Lewis & The News will perform.

Gotham City, Earth 200-K: Plans are going ahead for the city’s annual Valentine’s Day Festival despite the recent escape of 14 criminals from Arkham Asylum. The mayor, speaking from the steps of City Hall, assured the press that security would be “tighter than ever”. Commissioner Gordon reported that 4 of the criminals are already back in custody and “more arrests are coming”.

New Bark City, DogEarth 3: Rock band The Terrierists will launch their 2017 World Tour here tonight. They will do 3 nights here, then move on to Woofington, DC for 2 nights before crisscrossing North America for 30 shows in 20 cities. The band will feature hit from their new album “Bones for Baby”, as well as past hits. After North America, the tour moves to Asia for 15 shows.

Giving Up The Fish Turned Out To Be a Bad Idea

…a hard lesson learned

The Doclopedia #1,329

News Of The Multiverse: Sports News

Chicago, United States, Earth 1-I: Fans rioted in the streets when the Chicago Cubs lost what would have been their fifth in a row World Series. The Cubs lost on a controversial call of out at home plate after two extra innings. Fans in Wrigley Field reportedly began throwing things onto the field and getting out of their seats. Within 20 minutes, there were fires and riots across the city. Two hours later the National Guard was called out. Early reports say at least 300 people have been arrested, 156 injured and 5 killed.

Space Station Oz, Earth 2-D: The Sally Ride Classic, as the Championship Gravball Tournament is known, got underway today at 9:00 am, GMT on Space Station Oz. Playing in Arena One are North America and Pacifica. After 2 hours, the score is 10-8 North America. In Arena Two, Europe faces off against Africa, with a score of 5-5 at the 90 minute mark. Winners will face Asia and Mars. Those winners will go up against South America and Luna. Systemwide viewership is estimated to hit 10 billion.

Hobbiton, Middle Earth, Earth 442-A: The annual All Hobbit Kickball Game will start tomorrow an hour after Second Breakfast. Seven teams will be competing and breaks are scheduled for Early Snack, Lunch, Mid Snack, Tea, Afternoon Snack, Dinner, Second Dinner and Late Tea. Last year’s winners, the Bywater Badgers, are the heavy favorites, but many say the Greenfield Gophers could upset them. A winning score in the mid single digits is expected.

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The Highly Entertaining, But Still Edgy, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Evil Orange Chump

…co-starring her mule, Patrick

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The Doclopedia #1,328

News Of The Multiverse: International News

Beijing, China, Earth 287-E: The 3,206th Offering of Peace To The Great Dragon King ceremony took a troubling turn when dissident worshipers of the Tiger God set loose hundreds of cats. The Great Dragon, who measures 1,200 feet long, took great offense to the act and flew away after giving the Chinese government until the next full moon to prepare a new and even more lavish ceremony or face his wrath.

Monterrey, Mexico, Earth 6-C: The mutant luchadore known as El Jaguar Rojo (The Red Jaguar) is now into his third day of battling the villain trio known as Las Hermanas de la Muerte (The Sisters of Death). About half of the city has been evacuated. While property damage is low and there have only been 16 deaths, mostly police, the citizens fear the rotting disease that the sisters can induce, as well as their ability to create zombies. It is expected that El Hombre Bestia (Beast Man) will join Red Jaguar in this fight within a few hours.

Lubbock, Texas, Earth 1-H: Favorite Son Buddy Holly, who celebrated his 81st birthday back in September, has announced that he has penned three new songs for Bruce Springsteen, who will include them on his next album. Although Holly retired from touring in 2006, he has continued to write songs for other performers, including Paul McCartney, John L:ennon, Tom Petty, Dolly Parton and Janis Joplin.

New Arcadia, Wazz, Earth 301-B: Queen Kerros has given birth to twin boys in the Royal Oak Palace. The new Princes, Dattit and Garlon, follow their older sister, Bolind, as heirs to the throne. Their father, King Andorset, has declared the next week as a Royal Time of Celebration. Mother and sons are doing well, the Court Physician reports.