Zany Skinks Pestered My Jerboa

…and they weren’t very funny

Sasha's Bad Day, Part 2


The carnivores on my ass are some sort of large raptor and only the thick vegetation and 
my short stature have kept them from catching me. Just as the vegetation thins dangerously, 
I see a small crack between two big boulders and dive into it. It goes back about 8 feet, and 
is too small for the raptors to get into, although they are trying their damndest.

Sadly, the other end of the crack opens out into thin air and a good 200 foot drop to a river 
that I'm sure is full of things that would scarf me down in a heartbeat.  I try thinking good 
thoughts to wake up Otto. I REALLY need my tentacles.

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Big Turtles

…like, house sized big

Sorry for not posting anything sooner, but I’ve had distractions and been sick. Not a huge post today, but it is the first part of a story about my Mad Scientist dog, Sasha. I’m writing each part in exactly 5 minutes and will post a new piece every couple of days or so.

PS: Once I completely beat this cold, I’ll resume posting Doclopedia entries.

Sasha’s Bad Day

My name is Sasha Jane Cross and I’m a dog. A basset hound, to be exact. I’m 8 years old, in excellent physical shape and I’m the most intelligent sentient being on the planet Earth. No, really, I am, because I’m STUCK IN THE GODDAMN EARLY CRETACEOUS PERIOD!

For those of you who are not scientists, that means I’m 130 million years in the past from 2017. It also means I’m running like my ass is on fire with an unconscious octopus symbiont on my back, trying not to get eaten by pursuing dinosaurs.

My day has utterly gone to shit.

Everybody’s Favorite Magic Duck

…Sammy!

 

The Doclopedia #1,337

Interesting Fish: The Five Spotted Groper

This warm water ocean fish weighs in at an average of 20 pounds and measures around 3 feet long. It is usually found in water no deeper than 30 feet around tropical islands. Aside from the five white spots along both sides of the body, the fish is a dull dark green color with a few specks of lighter green on the females.

The most noticeable thing about the Five Spotted Groper, and the thing that gives it the name “groper”, are the two 16 inch long tentacles that emerge from about 3 inches behind the gills. These tentacles are primarily used to probe the sand for smaller burrowing fish or invertebrates. However, if the fish encounters a human, as they often do near resorts, it will feel them so as to check for food. This can lead to fully grown humans jetting out of the water like a missile fired from a submarine. The fish just swim off, ignoring the cursing and screaming.

Mexican Jenny It All Figured Out

…or so she thought

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The Doclopedia #1,336

It’s A Trap!: In The Old West

“How the blue eyed hell did those lawmen get the drop on us? These hills are rough as a cob and we left town a good half an hour ahead of any posse. We had fresh…get up behind that boulder, Eli…fresh horses waitin’ for us and they still got here ahead of us! How the hell did…sonofabitch, they got Luis!

God damn it, we ain’t got bullets to waste like that, Charlie! Make them shots count! Looks like Tom is dead or dyin’, Frank. I sure wish I knew how that Sheriff Owens got ahead of us. You think he might of come down the creek on a raft or somethin’, Frank? Don’t seem likely, but that creek is swollen and runnin’ fast.

Well, I say we make a run for it through the canyon. Just you, me, Eli and young Will. Luis ain’t goin’ anywhere all shot up like that. Eli, yell to Will to get ready with the horses.

What do you mean he’s not there? And he took the horses? Well shit, at least we know how the law got ahead of us.”

The Slightly Late, But Nevertheless Pretty Darned Thrilling, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Pork Chop Of Doom

…co-starring her younger brother, Half Blue Harvey

The Doclopedia #1,335

It’s A Trap!: In A Castle

“I’m kicking the door open! Grindfal, get a spell ready. Rolf, follow me inside the room. Sirina, you fill anything that isn’t Rolf or I full of arrows. Sister Blueberry, a blessing might be nice.”

“Oh, Great Mother, bless our little group against the goblins we think lurk in that room.”

<sound of door being kicked open way too easily>

“SHIT! It’s trolls! Two of them! It was a trap!”

<sound of trolls hitting adventurers…adventurers hitting trolls…arrows being fired…magic missiles hitting…assorted cursing>

“OW! Great Mother above, I’ve been hit by an arrow. Look out! Goblins to the right!”

“Heal yourself, then Brann, Sister! Eat Arrows of Flesh Rotting, goblin scum!”

<insert much louder sounds of fighting…cursing…screaming (mostly in goblin)…roaring>

“Quick, quick! Up the stairs! I’ll hold them off with a fireball!”

“I’ve got ye, Brann! Let’s get away while them trolls burn.”

“Blessed Mother, please heal my wounded leg, then allow your humble servant to smite those fucking goblins with a weakness of the bowels.”

<insert sounds of fireball exploding…much roaring and screaming…running up stairs>

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Burritos In The Bed

…frozen burritos!

 

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The Doclopedia #1,334

It’s A Trap!: In Space

“I am having trouble mentally processing your story, FangBrother Essossk. You tell me that your ship, one of the best attack vessels in the entire fleet, was lured into a trap by one tiny Vismonti trade ship. Excuse me, it was not only your ship, but the four Hsshkiss class escorts and the Krrisskk class troop carrier that accompanied you. Lured into a very cunning trap set by the Thousand Worlds Alliance. A trap that lead to the capture of all six ships after a short battle that killed 272 FangBrothers and FangSisters. A trap that has seen the Sshaaassh Empire paying a ransom of 3.5 billion credits and signing a peace treaty with the Vismonti systems. A trap which has ultimately brought me from the warmth of Sshekkassh to this cold and dry planet, all in hopes that I could make sense of this to report back to the Empress about it. So, tell me once again how this trap unfolded.”

<several minutes pass>

“So, you had every reason to believe the trade ship was hauling ulb metal and a prototype of a Mark 9 weapons system. While either of those would be more than worth taking a risk for, did it not seem strange to you that one small unguarded ship would be carrying both items so near our border? Oh, your judgment was clouded by excitement, was it? I see.

And when the ship started heading for that three moon cluster around Ranizex 5, you were too excited to wonder if there might not be Alliance ships hiding behind the moons? You just forged ahead, chasing the trade ship than you had not even tried to deep scan? My, my, you must have been very excited. Of course, when the 32 hidden ships revealed themselves, I’ll wager the excitement vanished, didn’t it?

Having given this much thought, I have decided that you and all of your officers will be transported to the Imperial Haven where you shall be killed and then served up for dinner at Her Imperial Majesty’s annual Loyalty Ball. Won’t that be exciting?”