…co-starring her second cousin, Clarence Philpot
How I Spent Christmas Eve, 2015
(A series of tweets)
Santa Claus just called and said he is gonna stop by for a quick visit. Cool!
Oh fucking swell! Santa just showed up and he’s shitfaced. I told him to just drink milk, not scotch! AIIIEEE!!! He’s pissing in the corner!
Okay, Santa has passed out and is sleeping it off on the Magic Bus. Head Elf Murray wants to know if I can fill in. Might as well. Ho ho ho!
The Girls and I are in the sleigh with about 900 elves. Grace has called Sally (Mrs. Claus), who is NOT amused with Drunk Santa.
Just FYI, Santa’s sleigh is bigger on the inside, too.
Time to go. Still an assload of toys to deliver. Sasha is amping up the hyperdrive on this thing. On Dasher, on…whoever. Let’s go!
To be fair to Santa, he’s only screwed up like this a few times over the millennia. Last time, his replacement was Winston Churchill. Still a couple of empty gin bottles rolling around here.
Kid wants parents that don’t fight all the time. Swapped out those two losers for a pair of androids. Will sell originals to an alien zoo.
Sorry, kid, but you can’t have a goddamn hippopotamus! Trust me, you’ll love the guinea pig I left you. #nohippos
Boy in African village wants more food and less war. Gave him a warehouse full of food and a half dozen Mark 9 SentryBots. Safest & best fed village in the world now.
Just gave a 10 year old girl a classic Fender Telecaster. She plugged it in and blew out the living room windows with her first chord. Was playing “Purple Haze” when we left.
This kid wants roleplaying games. Daisy and I hooked him the fuck up, baby. He’s got like, 3 pounds of dice to go with them. #geeksanta
This little girl wants power tools. Set her up better than the This Old House guys. Told her to build herself a fort.
Kid in France wants cheese. For fuck’s sake, kid, YOU LIVE IN FRANCE! Left him a box of crackers.
WOAH! This kid (age 12) is getting a Harley! It’s all disassembled, but still, Coolest. Present. Ever!
Silky was right behind Blitzen when he farted. Pretty sure her hair on that side will grow back out.
Pretty sure after tonight I’ll be crapping cookies and pissing milk.
14 year old boy just wanted “the best present ever”. Gave him two 17 year old girls. He may stop smiling before he turns 30.
Kid who was waiting up for me: “Are you Santa or just some old fart?
Two kids want a baby brother or sister. Zapped the parents with some sort of horniness inducing doodad Sasha has. (Note to self: Why is she carrying something like that around?)
Kid wants science toys. Sasha gave him a complete Lil’ Mad Scientist setup, complete with body parts to reanimate. Taught him the Mad Scientist Laugh, too. #madsciencerules
Poor kid only supposed to get one toy? Fuck that shit! Giving her the toys meant for a GOP Congressman’s kid. #redistributingwealth
Congressman’s kid got a lump of coal and pix of her dad accepting a bribe.
The magic dust that Santa uses to squeeze down chimneys? Turns out it makes you fart really loud. Sounds like Dueling Foghorns in here.
Wow! Some people do give their kids ponies for Xmas. How will I get them down a chimney? And who’s going to get that horse crap outta here?
Little girl in India asked for wings so she could fly. Couldn’t do that, so left her a jet pack.
Some asshole is trying to give his kid a bible for Xmas. Fuck that! I’ll give the kid the Harry Potter series AND a Dungeon Master’s Guide! And fuck it, I gave him a shitload of comics, too.
Over Russia now. Being targeted by MIGs. Sasha teleported the missiles to Putin’s summer home. Bet that won’t be on the news.
About to lose internet access here on the sleigh. Will report more later.
Dropped off last present. Everyone is cheering. Elves making plans to vacation in Australia. Silky poured me a beer.
Home now. Shaking off cookie crumbs and pine needles. Possibly a few reindeer turds, too.
I will note here that when Mrs. Claus came to pick up the much hungover Santa, she was not at all a happy woman #nomerryxmasforsanta
Time for sleep. Girls are already out like lights. Merry Christmas!
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