Goons In The Tool Shed

…we never knew how they got in.

The Doclopedia #1,370

Assorted Characters: The King Of Dice

The true name of the King of Dice, along with his whereabouts after the Great Dungeon Delve, may never be known. Rumor has it that he was the actual author of 2nd Edition Monsters & Mayhem. The story goes that he submitted a manuscript of over 350,000 words to the First Game Master, all in hopes that some small portion of it might be used to expand 1st Edition M&M. Sadly, he only had the one copy and it “got lost in the mail” according to the Office Manager at Monstrous Mayhem Games. At the age of 16, the King of Dice was crushed by this news. At the age of 19, he was outraged to read a copy of 2nd Edition and see much of his manuscript in it, credited to the former Office Manager, now Lead Designer for the company. The King knew he could not fight them in court, so he began plotting a different revenge.

Jump ahead 10 years and it’s the 25th anniversary of M.M. Games and the First Game Master is at MonsterCon to GM a delve into his famous “Dungeon of the Hell Dragon”. Three teams of 6 characters enter the massive dungeon from three points, all trying to get to the third level and kill the Hell Dragon. The GM is trying to stop them.

The whole event is televised to 27 countries and a $100,000.00 prize goes to any survivors when either the 6 hour clock runs out or the Hell Dragon is dead. The GM’s notes are checked by a private team of experts and no changes are allowed. The same goes for the 18 players and their characters. All official rules for the game are in effect.

The live audience at the con is packed with gaming luminaries, including the newly appointed CEO of the company, the former Lead Designer. He is accompanied by several potential investors, all of whom he hopes will invest money after they see the new 4th Edition rules. This will hopefully get the company back on stable ground after the disaster that was 3rd edition rules.

The game begins and the King of Dice quickly reveals how he got his name. Years spent developing the right hand and arm moves to allows him to roll whatever he needs 80% of the time pay off as his team first kills one of the other teams and then hauls ass through the dungeon grabbing loot.

In the arena, many bets are made on the King beating the First GM.

Finally, the King’s elven archer, a human druid, a half troll barbarian and an elven mage are in the last room, facing the Hell Dragon. The players are sweating, the GM is sweating and every one of the 10,000 spectators has fallen silent. Initiative is rolled and the King gets to go first, but the Hell Dragon goes second. If the Kings arrow doesn’t pull off some sort of miracle strike, the party is almost certainly doomed.

The bowman lets fly an arrow previously soaked in an elixir the druid had mixed up and the mage had cast True Flight upon. The King rolls his dice…

…and scores a direct hit to the dragon’s mouth!

The damage is rolled. 9 points, not even a scratch. The GM is about to roll versus poison when the King asks for a rules check.

That was an elixir of wattleberries. I had them in my pack and they were approved before we entered the dungeon. Could the judges please read from page 67 of the “MAYHEM!” magazine from June of 1980?”

After a short search, the judge read “wattleberries are tasty indeed, but it is also known that when made into an elixir by a druid of 7th level or higher, said elixir will paralyze any dragon, regardless of size, for 7 turns if introduced into their bloodstream.”

Everyone in the place knew two things at that moment: (1) that bit of throwaway text, written by the First GM himself, was an official rule, and (2) the King was about to win.

Short work was made of the dragon, the King’s team was victorious, the crowd went nuts and the newly minted CEO was out 50,000 large due to a bet.

Hoping to get past that debacle, the CEO took the investors up to his suite to show them the new rules and the business plan for the next 5 years. Sadly, when he got there he found all of his paperwork, mock ups and his laptop gone. In a panic, he called the home office only to find out that the couriers he had called to tell them about 4 hours ago had come and gotten everything in his office two hours ago. Except he had never called them about couriers at all.

The King of Dice spent the rest of the convention drinking and eating on other gamer’s nickel. When the con closed, he drove off with the youngest daughter of the First GM, a young lady who had often listened to the Line Manager/vice President/CEO discuss his plans for the future. Neither of them was ever seen again. At least, not with those faces.

A day later, a group of professional thieves gladly accepted a sum of money for all of the CEO’s stuff. The middleman who paid them later sold the stuff to an up and coming game company. That company later produced a game that everyone agreed was the New Hotness.

The CEO lost his job in a rather swift board meeting. A few months later, he was managing a Beefy Burger in Omaha. The  game company took 4 years to even partially recover.

The First GM spent the rest of his days writing his memoirs and being a guest at up to 15 conventions a year. It took him 10 years before he would speak about “That Day” as he called it.

The Hella Late, But Actually…Well, Hella Late…Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Lazyass Blogger

co-starring her pet dormouse, Marvin

The Law of Unexpected Consequences Made Manifest
So, this happened in 2012, on our way back from CatCon 4…
“Fifteen minutes later, Joe flipped switches and turned dials and we popped up in the middle of London, circa 1972. We had not been moving, so when we popped out of nowhere, it was a real crowd stopper. Joe said we had to wait 5 minutes before we could hop again, so I gave in to a mad urge. After running to one of the closets, I hurriedly threw on a rather gaudy outfit, complete with a top hat and cane. Then I left the bus, where a couple of hundred people stood looking at it in slackjawed wonder and traffic was backing up badly.
I walked up to a largish group and said “Hello, I’m the Doctor. Can any of you tell me how to get to California in 2011?” Jaws REALLY dropped then, plus three people fainted and one guy dropped his bag of groceries.
I then got on the bus and, while the Doctor Who theme played through the external speakers, we hopped. Joe informs me that we most likely created the trigger event for spinning off an alternate reality. Cool!”
As is the way of our family, we all had a good laugh and promptly forgot about it for just shy of 6 years. Then, for reasons unknown, Daisy brought it up during dinner. This pretty much piqued everyone’s curiosity, so we opened a temporal window to 3 seconds after we left.

Naturally, since history cannot be changed, the event never happened in our reality.

But in the new reality that we spun off, the shit hit the fan in damned near every way possible.

Right off the bat, there was a panicked stampede. Most folks ran like hell away from where we had been, but more than a few ran toward the spot. Some of them were cops. Two were television cameramen along with the reporter that had been doing some man in the street interview. They had caught our whole appearance in the background and immediately started interviewing people live on the air. Just like they had recorded us.

And seen by about two million Brits.

Including Her Majesty, The Queen and several people connected.

As my wife of 21.5 years said, “Holy shit, that can’t be good.”

We fast forwarded a week and found England in both a panic (everyone in government, many normal folks) and near throes of ecstasy (Whovians, geeks in general). Reports of Tardis sightings were in the thousands, along with Dalek sightings, Cybermen sightings, etc, etc. Every even slightly eccentric mode of dress would get your ass hauled in for questioning by everyone from Scotland Yard to MI6 to the NHS. Outside of England proper, things were a bit less panicky, but governments were still keeping an eye on things.

Meanwhile, Whovians from all over were pissed off that the series had been stopped so everyone the cast, crew, producers, BBC officials and the guy with the fish & chip shop ’round the corner could be grilled six ways from Sunday by government officials.

We popped forward another week and found out that somebody in Arizona had managed to get a pic of us popping in when we visited the Grand Canyon. That person got 36 very clear photos of the bus, the dogs, me taking a leak over the edge of the canyon and Avis Crane taking pix of a cactus.

If you guessed that those photos fired the giant shit cannon, you are 100% right.

You might think that two different appearances in 1972 should have spun off two different new realities, you are perfectly right to think that. You’d also be wrong.

See, for reasons that tend to put me into an eye glazed trance, like events often sort of seek each other out. Thus, these two sightings sort of hooked up into a cohesive unit in the same timeline.

Just like 9 more sightings, mostly in the USA, but also in India, Scotland, Portugal and Tokyo did. One big happy family of Doctor and/or Tardis sightings that created a Shitnado all over the world.

Then somebody noticed that, in the 3 instances that my voice was recorded, I spoke with an American accent. That pointed all eyes at the good old USA, who, let’s face it, would be the country most likely to get up to strange shit like that.

But wait, it gets even better!

People started finding photos and paintings and such of me and the bus from all over history, in like, 90 countries. Hell, they got 57 photos of me, Grace, Spike and his wife Mary, just from Woodstock alone.

Note: They didn’t question any of our duplicates on that Earth because the oldest of us, me, was only 18 and did not look anything like I do now.

By the time a year had passed, the world was pretty much freaking the fuck out, so we all figured we needed to go change their history, which is entirely possible, because it was not ours anymore.

With the Fabulous Four in human bodies, we popped the bus back to just about a minute before we first appeared. This time, however, the bus looked like a common delivery van and appeared in an alley where there were no witnesses. We all left the bus, took up strategic positions and waited.

A few seconds later, the bus appeared, everything happened as it had, but as soon as the bus was gone, there was a big puff of smoke and there we all were, me dressed as before and Grace & the dogs holding mirrors and flashing lights.

“Thank you, ladies & gents! That bit of magical trickery was courtesy of the Dr. Mysterio, Illusionist Extraordinaire! I hope you enjoyed it and I hope the Beeb doesn’t sue me!”

There was laughter and the reporter saying a series of rude words and us making our getaway and then us making a real getaway.

Needless to say, my loving wife, had more than a few words for me about how much shit I had stirred up.

That is, until Daisy pointed out to her that she had probably spun off a reality that time  in 2015 when she whipped out a wand and Stupified 5 bank robbers in New York City. At noon. On a Wednesday. Right near at least 4 security cameras.