Oil Up Another Watermelon, Lester!

…don’t ask

Sasha Explains It All

Everybody Can’t Be Smart

If there is one thing people ask me all the time, besides “How can you look so young and beautiful?”, it’s “Which animals are Smart and why aren’t ALL animals Smart?”

Here’s the answer to that question and we’ll start right off with the #1 most asked about species, the chimpanzee.

There are, in fact, about 120 Smart female chimps in the world. All of them live in Gorilla City in Africa. They are teachers and engineers and scientists and nurses and chefs. All of them are sterile, mostly due to birth defects or some other natural cause. They are all very good people and very likely will not be replaced by chimps when they die.

You see, chimps are just too much like humans to allow them to become sapient. The males especially are vicious, cunning, violent assholes. So are a good share of the females. Sound familiar, humans?

If chimps were sapient, they would band together and start killing humans, probably with human weapons. They’d also probably come ofter us NHT, which would be the end of the chimp species, or nearly so.

To prevent this ever happening, every single chimp on earth, except the gals in Gorilla City, has been dosed with nanites that shield their brains from us NHT, who tend to Smarten up creatures we hang with for very long. So, no Smart chimps.

Next up come farm animals like cattle, sheep, goats & pigs. Like chimps, there are some of those that have become sapient, but the majority are kept dumb. The reason is obvious: they are going to be eaten or kept for some other purpose. Freedom and a long life is not in the cards for them, so making them aware would be monstrous cruelty.

Horses, mules and donkeys, for some reason we haven’t figured out yet, are very resistant to sapience. Only about one in 50,000 can ever become sapient and when they do, they immediately ask to go live in an NHT Sanctuary Zone. Without fail, all of the sapient domesticated horses & asses are very nice folks.

Small mammals don’t deal with becoming Smart very well. They tend to freak out and eventually go catatonic. That’s understandable given their very short lifespans and place on so many creatures menus. With the exception of domesticated rabbits (and even then, mostly the ones who escaped to live in the great Sanctuary warrens), most of the smaller sapients are creatures like skunks, opossums, otters, wallabies, etc.

The NHTA is very careful about making monkeys smart. They almost always turn out to be troublemakers with a chip on their shoulders. There are some Smart baboons and larger monkey species, but again, they are in Sanctuaries where they can be monitored.

There are no Sapient wolverines, honey badgers, or Tasmanian Devils because that would just be fucking insane. It was tried in the 1990s and it did not go well at all.

You may have noticed that so far I have only mentioned mammalian species. That’s because almost everything else just can’t become sapient, despite decades of trying. There are exceptions, however.

Parrots: The larger macaws, cockatoos and Amazon parrots, along with the African Gray, can become sapient. They tend to gravitate towards jobs in security, espionage (yes, we do it too. And much better than you humans.), aerial mapping, and show business.

Ravens & Crows: These corvids attain sapience by becoming part of a hivemind. Take a single crow far away from any other crows or ravens and he is still sapient, but not very intelligent. On the other hand, a flock of 20 crows creates 20 damned smart birds.

Ducks: These folks are a class A enigma. They should not be able to become sapient, but they do. Now, none of them will ever be a rocket scientist, but they have a decent average intelligence.

Raptors: Only the very largest birds of prey become sapient, and even then it’s only about 1 in 1,000.

After birds, almost nothing else can become Smart, with three exceptions.

Giant Tortoises: They are almost all sapient, but not geniuses. They are also incredibly thoughtful and slow in conversation. It’s almost as bad as talking to an Ent.

Octopuses: Octopuses CAN become sapient, but don’t seem to WANT to. Which is probably good, because the one or two who have become sapient were weird motherfuckers.

Domestic Honeybees: Don’t ask how because NHT scientist, myself included, do not have the slightest clue. That said, bee swarms are some of the nicest folks you’ll ever meet and have a great sense of humor.

So there is the answer to your question, folks. Oh, one other thing. Cetaceans have ALWAYS been sapient. Silky and Roscoe arriving on our earth had nothing to do with it. Cetaceans are swell people, but to us land based lifeforms, they might as well be aliens. I probably need to do a rant on them sometime.

Until my next rant,

Sasha Jane Cross, PhD (X3)

Sherlock Potter And The Adventure Of The Vulcan Time Lord Of Bronze

…actually, I would read the fuck out of that

The Doclopedia #1,406

Starships: C’Wi C’Wi Explorer

Like the C’wi C’wi themselves, their exploration ships, are small, efficient and no two look exactly the same. All of them have excellent laboratories and storage areas, as well as plenty of Tri-Dee vid drones, scannerdrones and helperbots. The living quarters are spacious and clean and there is always plenty of fresh food.

The ships come in an endless variety of shapes and color schemes, but they all have J-5 drives, Class 4 Shields and at least 4 shuttlecraft. Most ships are between 600 and 1,200 feet across. Crew size ranges from 200 to 1,500.

It’s All Fun And Games Until Somebody Has To Run From A Big Rolling Boulder

…I’n not naming names, Jones



The Doclopedia #1,405

Starships: Elarissian Miner

The Elarissians are a large, multilimbed humanoid race who specialize in mining on “difficult” planets. Their mining ships are enormous, up to 15 miles long and fully able to land on a planetary surface, even a rough one, due to their segmented nature. They all have J-4 propulsion. Crew quarters are spartan, in keeping with Elarissian culture.

Thanks to Class 12 defensive shields and the ability to seal parts of each ship to the surface, Elarissian mineships can mine on everything from iceworlds to extremely hot worlds to worlds with toxic athmospheres. The ships can mine and smelt metals, refine and store gases or whatever else is needed. They are found in 9 sectors where they are operated by Elarissians and 4 more sectors where they are contracted out to other races.

Not In This Issue: Poison Frogs,Weed Control Or Quilts

…there might be something about frog control

The Doclopedia #1,404

Starships: Prin Tradeship

A Prin tradeship looks very much like two small (5 mile long) worldships connected together and revolving around a central J-9 drive unit. One of the worldships is the home environment for the reptomammalian Prin. The other is a combination warehouse and shopping mall. Fully half of the Prin species (about 3 billion people) live and work on these ships, of which there are about 200,000) zipping from system to system in 26 sectors. Once every 5 years, the Prin all return to Prinworld for a year long celebration of their trade successes.

Although their tradeships are protected by Class 5 defensive shields and quantum cannons, each ship also has a complement of 15 EeeAoon fightercraft flown by EeeAoon mercenaries.

Moon Sandwiches And Chocolate Tea

…Yum Yum



The Doclopedia #1,403

Starships: Kr’Loq Transport

The hardworking Kr’Loq are a quasi-cephalapodian race from three small systems on the border of GalSecs 4509 and 4510. They are notable for two things: their ability to do very precise surgery without robotic assistance and their workhorse transport ships.

Standard Kr’Loq transports are used in over 500 sectors and have been known to last as long as 1,300 years. They are not pretty, being huge rectangular boxes 5 miles long by 2 miles on a side and having six J-3 drives on the rear, but they get the job done. The crew quarters are actually quite spacious compared to other transport ships and every ship is protected by Class 5 defensive shields.

The Kr’Loq build about 300 transports per year and there is a 40 year waiting list.

I Have No Idea Where The Drunken Steer Came From

…honest, officer, no idea at all

The Doclopedia #1,402

Starships: Illurok Worldship

The Illurok race resemble tall, thin and very hairy humans. They are some of the galaxy’s greatest artists and philosophers. All of the Illurok race live on four worldships that are speeding away from their now deserted home system in GalSec 1054-B. Actually, speeding is not quite the word to use, since the ships are only moving at 1.5 times the speed of light. Additionally, each ship is going in a different direction. They are all now 1,500 light years from Illurok Prime.

When a great religious awakening caused the Illurok to leave their home system, they built four enormous cylindrical ships. Each ship is 2,000 miles long and 500 miles in diameter. Inside are dozens of island continents representing many climatic zones and ecosystems. Fully half of the land mass in each ship is uninhabited by the Illurok. The end of each ship is a polar region and the equatorial area in the middle is similar in climate to that of Earth. Light is provided by a long central strip that only glows on one side. The ship revolves around it. A day is 30 hours, 6 minutes and 14 seconds long.

The outer hulls of these ships are made of depleted uranium over a sheet of lead. Class 5 defensive shields can be activated, but never have been needed. There are no known weapons. Operation of the ships are handles by blue level free cybernetic life forms. The Illurok population inside each ship is around 20 million.

The Totally Anonymous, But Not EVEN Traitorous, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Bastard Who Was Going Down.

…co-starring he old pal Mr. Mueller

The Doclopedia #1,401

Starships: Ventraxian Cruiser

To we Terrans, a Ventraxian would look like a cross between a centipede and a praying mantis. They measure about 7 feet from head tail. Their home systems are within 5 light years of each other and they inhabit a total of 5 planets there. While not a militant race, the Ventraxians do contribute 20 fully crewed cruisers to the defense forces of Galactic Sector (GalSec) 3399-A, which is also the sector our Earth is in.

Ventraxian cruisers are U shaped vessels with the bow being at the bottom of the U and the jump drives being on the two ends. All of their jump drives are J-5 or better. Most of the cruisers are 600 feet long (1,200 feet long if stretched out straight) and have an exterior color of green and blue. The ships tend to be fast, but not as maneuverable as other cruisers. For many species, the warm and humid interior is uncomfortable.

The ships typically have seven decks, with the middle deck being the officer and crew quarters and, toward the stern, the storage area. The top three decks are command, weapons and science. All lower decks are engineering and shuttle bays. The whole ship is equipped with class 7 defensive shields. The main weapons are anti-matter torpedoes and hellblasters. The average crew complement is 500.

Was the above bit of writing interesting to you? Well then, consider become a Patron of this blog! Besides being one of the cool kids and getting to read fun stuff, you get sweet compiled Doclopedia posts in the popular PDF format, plus other exclusive stuff. And did we mention the upcoming weekly podcast? The one you, as a Patron will get to hear a week before the common folk? You can get in on this for as little as one dollar a month, so click the link and check it out.

Support this blog on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/DocCross

Working In A Cool Mine

…somebody has to mine all that cool so we can refine hip out of it

Ladies and gentlemen of all species, I present the 1,400th Doclopedia entry.

The Doclopedia #1,400

Where Do These Ideas Come From?: The Answer

The Doclopedia started out with the title 365 Days, 365 Characters and it was me writing up a character a day for a week. Each week there was a theme, like My Favorite Characters or Pulp Women or Pirates. I did it that way for a few months, then got bored with just doing characters. At that point it became 365 People, Places & Things for a while, until it finally got name changed to The Doclopedia.

Almost since the beginning, I have had people ask me how I could keep coming up with all these themes and entries. This was especially true when I did 500 entries in one year. Actually, it was 500 entries in just about 11 months, but why quibble?

The answer, beyond the fact that I have an incredibly active imagination that never shuts off, is a bit complex. It really depends upon my mood, random inspiration and how much time I have to do the writing. The following should help to explain things a bit.

I Get A Definite Idea For A Theme

Examples: Bad Swords , Tiny Folk, Pirates of the Circle Sea

Sometimes a theme will pop into my head full born. I’ll have a pretty good idea of the entries and I’ll start writing and the words just flow. These entries are usually, but not always, of a longer sort. Very often, the entries have more similarity than my entries usually have.

I Think Of A Theme Title First

Examples: Technobabble, Strange Bandanas, New Dog Breeds

This is probably the most common way I come up with themes. In fact, I have a file full of unused theme ideas. The basic idea for these themes often comes from me doing something very ordinary, like looking at dogs in the dog park or going through my bandana collection.

I Get An Idea For A Single Entry And It Grows

Examples:Average Joes, Dangerous Animals!, Poultry That Saved The Day

This happens pretty often. I’ll get a mental image of some ordinary guy doing something strange and I’ll write it up. Then, I’ll have to write up at least a couple more entries like it. These sort of entries are often short and often screwier than usual.


I Write Down The First Thing That Pops Into My Head

Examples: Altered United States, Stairway To…, My Family

This also happens pretty often, usually when I have some writer’s block going and my self imposed deadline is looming large. It is what resulted in my ending up doing the longest theme yet, Altered United States, which was triggered by seeing a television ad for the movie Altered States while looking online at a map of the USA.

I Think Of Just One Line And Then Build Around It

Examples: Warning Labels, Knives That Do More Than Cut, Alt. Rocks

This happens least of all, but I’d still bet there are a a couple dozen entries built around one line. The Warning Labels theme began with me thinking up the line WARNING: Deep Fried Fleems are VERY HOT! “ and it grew from there. These will hit me like a bolt from the blue and I have to go with them.

I Get Suggestions From My Beloved Readers

Example: My Evil Twin, Murder By…

From time to time, I’ll come up with a theme and then, via Facebook or Twitter, ask my readers to give me the entries. In the above examples, they came up with many evil twins and murder weapons ranging from a used spork to chocolate scorpions to monotony. My readers never let me down. I should really get ideas from them more often.