The Billionaire Dog’s Journal

…it’s printed on gold pages

New Doclopedia theme! WOOHOO!


The Doclopedia #1,422

Dangerous Dames: Lily Martin

Name: Lily Martin
Aliases: Lily Moran, Lily Magellan
Age: 33
Hair: Black Eyes: Brown
Height: 5’9” Weight: 140 lbs
Last Known Address: Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada
Crimes: Murder, Grand Theft

Summary: Lily Martin was born in Halifax, Nova Scotia to a well to do family. Somewhere around her 14th birthday she ran off with her 16 year old boyfriend, Ken Redding. For two years, they lived in and around Ontario, where they got involved in a criminal gang. When Redding was caught by the police stealing a car, Martin left town and headed into the United States. Records of her life and whereabouts for the next 5 years are extremely spotty, although she is known to have spent time in Boston, New York and St. Louis.

At age 21 it is known that Lily Martin, using the name Lily Moran, took part in and probably masterminded the Texas Rancher’s Bank heist. The sophistication of the crime had federal agents convinced that it must have been done by much older career criminals, until a chance recording by a department store security camera proved them wrong.

Two years later, an art heist in San Diego, was recorded in full by two cameras not listed on the art gallery’s blueprints. Lily Martin and a gang of 5 other women are clearly shown in it. Three of those women were caught within a month, but the stolen paintings have yet to be recovered.

Five years and at least two heists later, a woman going by the name Lily Magellan shot and killed one Pietro Guinelli in a restaurant in Seattle while he was having dinner with 18 year old Karen Taggert. The killer shot Guinelli four times in the chest, then told Taggert she had done her a favor. She then told everyone to “sit very still and be very quiet for 5 minutes” before she left. She made her escape and has not been seen since.

As of today, Lily Martin remains at large. There is a 1.25 million dollar reward for her capture. Law enforcement officers are urged to consider her armed and dangerous.

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Grandpa And Brownie’s Big Adventure

…hopefully, a long one


The Doclopedia #1,421

Don’t Touch That!: Hat

Back off there, junior, while ya still gotta chance. That hat belongs to Big Jimmy Farren and it’s gonna stay right where he left it until he gets outta Joliet. Same goes for that fine lookin’ coat of his. Jimmy told us to leave his stuff where he put it and that’s how it’s gonna be.

Yeah, I know they sent him down for 25 years, but I also know Jimmy. He’s been in 3 years and probably has most of an escape plan done by now. The big man is a damned genius, kid, and he don’t like jail and he don’t like the fact that a bunch of white boys took over half his territory. You take it from me, once he gets outta that shithole, he’s gonna come back here, put on that hat and coat and a whole lotta them Italians are gonna die.

What? Oh hell no he ain’t gonna take the territory back. He’s gonna get his revenge and then disappear. Probably turn up out west or somewhere with a new name. Lot of us gonna be disappearing with him. You youngbloods can have the whole damned operation after that. Ha ha! Look at your ears perkin’ up when you heard that.

So yeah, kid, you just leave that stuff alone and get out on the street. Go pick up the cash from the folks on your list and learn your shit. You do that and maybe your own hat will hang there someday.

Big Pigs Dancing Jigs Around Their Rigs While Eating Figs

…lit by burning twigs

The Doclopedia #1,420

Don’t Touch That!: Ring

Hold it there, Waltonby. Let’s not go touching things too quickly here. I’m certain this is the lost tomb of the mad pharaoh, Ahktenahmen. Legend has it that they mummified him alive and the last thing he said was a curse upon the world of the living.

Now, I’m not superstitious, but we’ve all heard the stories about Lord Merryweather and what happened when he dug up that Kharis fellow. Touching any of these items could have unexpected consequences. That ring was a major symbol of his power, so one can assume it would be carrying a significant portion of the curse. No telling what might happen if we touched it.

I suggest that we go back to camp and get on the wireless to Professor Kamir and Doctor Newton. They can be here by tomorrow morning and advise us on whatever we might need to do to safely get all this out of here and back to Cairo.

Danny, I want you and Jacob to stand watch for the next 4 hours. Hasan and Nigel will relieve you. Do not touch anything! If you do, there will be hell to pay, mark my word.

Module L-2: The Creepy Village Of Ploom

…for characters of level 2 to 3.


The Doclopedia #1,418

Don’t Touch That!: Girl

I’m sorry, sir, but that girl is available only for very special customers. You see, she’s cursed with both the ability to induce the most legendary orgasms in a man, but then drain their life force, killing them.

Oh, no, sir, it’s a fair question. You see, when a man is very old, or perhaps near to death from some malady, they will seek out Katya to send them off to their reward in as happy and thrilling a manner as one might ask for.

Yes, she could do the same for convicts who face the noose, but why would she? Such men deserve what they get. Besides, her rates are quite high, well beyond most convicts.

Yes, she is quite happy. She has found her place in life and I assure you, she lives quite well when not here at work. Oh, my, there is one of her customers now. Mr. Yancey is wealthy, but his heart is weak and faltering. A shame, really, since he’s barely 40.

Now, come along and let me introduce you to Lucy. I think you’ll find her to be quite charming.

The Doclopedia #1,419

Don’t Touch That!: Pistol

Don’t go for it, Kid. You’ll be dead before that pistol leaves your leather. That goes for you, too, Luis. Just keep your hands on the table. I didn’t come here for anybody but Kid McKay, so if you don’t get jumpy, you’ll go on living.

That’s right, Kid, I’m a U.S. Marshall now. After you killed my brother and those other two men, I wanted to just hunt you down and kill you. I wanted that real bad. But Marshall Cogburn, who is outside with your drunken pal Clay under his boot, convinced me to go the legal route and see you on the end of a rope instead. Now get up real slow with your hands above your head.


Well now, that was stupid for two reasons. First, because you thought I’d kill you, and second because now you’ll be going to jail with a useless right hand. Not that you’ll have much use for it once thay slip the rope on you. Now let’s go.

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Chapter 551: In Which Our Hero, Now Laden With Gold And Kitchenware, Takes His Dog To London

…the dog’s name is Ramon


THREE…YES, THREE…DOCLOPEDIA POSTS! I spoil you guys, I really do.

The Doclopedia #1,415

Don’t Touch That!: Sword

Stay your hand there, Brandis. Unless I’m wrong, and I seldom am, that is Nightbreaker, the cursed sword of Lord Yorgon. Stand back and let me identify it properly.

Oh yes, this is Nightbreaker alright. An incredibly powerful weapon, much feared by demons and other creatures of the Deep Darkness. With it, Lord Yorgon almost single handedly defeated the Legions of Hauzatlani. Caused the sword to glow with the brightness of 7 suns. Reduced the demons to a fine ash, including Hauzatlani itself. A great day for the world, but not for Lord Yorgon. His sword arm was burned off up to the elbow, he was blinded and driven insane. When he died some hours later, the sword flew into the sky and has not been seen until today.

I suggest we cover it with stones and detritus, then leave it here. I shell make a note of this location, in case demonic forces ever invade our world again.

The Doclopedia #1,416

Don’t Touch That!: Doorknob

Stop, Watson! Do not touch that doorknob under any circumstances. If you do, you’ll die.

I’m sorry for giving you such a start, old man, but I noticed a sheen of oil coating the surface just here. Do you see it? Yes, not very easy to see. Thankfully, my torch hit it from just the right angle. Now, let us see if it smells of anything.

Ah yes, a very noticeable scent of apples. Watson, what we have here is the sap of the New Guinea Death Fig, a small bush that produces a poisonous sap capable of killing a man in under a minute. A very nasty way to die, too. The skin begins to dissolve while the toxins cause the blood to break down. Yes, a terrible way to die indeed.

Now, let’s just use this mass of old rags to open the door. Be vigilant, Watson, for I have no doubt that Fu Manchu has much worse than this awaiting us.

The Doclopedia #1,417

Don’t Touch That!: Meteorite

DON’T TOUCH THAT! Jesus, Johnny, have you forgotten what happened two years ago when that old man touched a meteorite? That blob thing came out of it and killed him! Then it started growing bigger and pretty soon it had eaten about a hundred people and was trying to take over the town.

You’d better back the hell away from it. Now, let’s go find Sheriff Clark and have him call the Army to deal with this. They’ll know what to do with it. Hey, maybe we’ll get a reward or something. My car could use a new set of tires.

This Is A Tale About A Story

…about a legend


The Doclopedia #1,414

Capes & Cloaks: The Cloak Of Dracula

And now, class, we end this semester with perhaps the most famous cloak of all, the cloak of Dracula.

It doesn’t look like much, does it? Basic black, high collar, long enough to drag on the floor if one is under 6 feet tall. It is old, yes, at least 700 years old. Those stains? Dirt from the grave and blood. If you saw this cloak lying on the floor, you’d either think it a dog’s bed or wipe your shoes on it.

But for all that it looks like something that might be worn by a Kalamorese beggar, it contains dark magic indeed. Dark enough to control the mind of anyone who might wear it. Dark enough to send them off in search of Dracula’s remains. And quite dark enough to force them to revive him.

Since Count Dracula made his way to our world, or was sent here against his will, the story varies, he has been revived no less than 8 times in 700 years. At least four of those times were by people who came into contact with his cloak.

What, Mr. Glitterleaf? Oh, of course, destroy the cloak! Now why didn’t a single solitary person think of that over the last seven centuries, including your own great uncle, the Wizard Larinul? Oh, wait, they did!

Attempts have been made to burn, bathe in acid, rip to shreds, unravel and even banish the cloak. It has been dropped into lava, fed to various slimes, blasted with the most destructive of spells and exposed to prolonged dragonfire that caused poor old Zartamaxilon to nearly collapse.

If there is a way to destroy this cloak, it has not shown itself yet.

Fortunately, it can be very easily placed under great security and locked away. Even now, as we look at it in this glass case, it is protected by spellworkings that would reduce you to dust if you so much as tried to crack the glass. When it leaves here, it will be teleported at least 3 times until it is safely in it’s proper vault in an undisclosed location.

So there is is, the greatest piece in Count Dracula’s wardrobe. Now, before you leave for your no doubt debauchery filled vacation, a little something to remember. Should Count Dracula rise again, he can summon this cloak to him and there is no magic strong enough to stop it. When that happens, and I assure you it will happen someday, alarms will go off in every Wizard’s home. Great evil will walk our world again and we must all be ready to fight it!

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Don’t Shoot Me, I’m Only The Piano Slayer

…old pianos get real mean

The Doclopedia #1,413

Capes & Cloaks: The Cape Of Many Colors

I ask you, students, have you ever seen a more beautiful cape? I think not. Yes, Mr. Kervox, the colors are very bright. No pastels or grays here. And look at how the colors shift and flow, but never fully mix, just barely making secondary colors along the edges. Truly a unique article of clothing and a quite masterful bit of magic.

The Cape of Many Colors was created just over a century ago by the learned and powerful Wizard Omboratis, at that time living way up north in Fenrelly. Besides being one of the five most powerful Wizards in the civilized world, Omboratis was also something of a dandy. He was constantly on the lookout for new fashion trends and even started a few of his own. It can safely be said that when the Wizard’s League had a meeting, he would be the best looking person there. Of course, given how little most Wizards care about their appearance, that is not saying much.

Now, besides being a clotheshorse of the first order, Omboratis was also quite the ladies man. His affairs were numerous and frequent. One wonders where he ever found the time to practice magic. Or the energy, what with his being well over 200 years old.

At any rate, one night at a fancy dress ball put on by the Emperor of the West, our well dressed Wizard met an equally well dressed and astoundingly beautiful woman, Neren, Queen of the Fey. Their mutual attraction was powerful and they spent the whole night together, plus several days and nights afterward. When Neren had to return to the Feywood, Omboratis swore that he would join her there soon.

Our love smitten lad knew that the Fey loved both finely made clothing and skillfully worked magic, so he set about weaving a spell of great power and complexity. At the same time, he had the legendary weavers of Gii Malang working on a cape. This cape was to be woven and tailored using the rarest of fibers and threads that, to say the least, were extraordinary in nature. The cape took a full two months to create, while the binding of the spell to it took another month.

It goes without saying that this all came at enormous expense. Omboratis could have purchased a few kingdoms with the money he spent.

When the cape you see here was finished, Omboratis took it with him to the Feywood and presented it to Neren. She was awed by it and proclaimed it the finest gift she had ever been given. She then took Omboratis into her private chambers and they stayed there for two weeks. When they emerged, the Queen told her court that the two would be married under the next full moon. This caused no small amount of chaos, said full moon being only 10 days away. Still, a proper royal fey wedding was held and, by all historical accounts, they lived happily ever after.

So, what are the properties of this cape? Well, the one it is most noted for is they ability to slow the aging process. For every hour it is worn, a year melts away. Both the Queen and Omboratis wore it, and so were actually younger when they died than when they met.

Oh, did I say “when” they died? I meant to say “if” they died. There is much debate on the actuality of their deaths. But that, students, is a matter for Wizard Jemmaline’s class on Magic In History.

Another property of the cape is that it allows flight at an high speed while both intangible and invisible. Quite a stealthy thing to have when one wishes to check up on the more belligerent fey in their far flung provinces.

Finally, the cape grants one wish per year. Queen Neren used this to improve the lives of her subjects every year for 261 years. This is why you will find statues of her throughout the Feywood.

Any of those properties would be very high magic indeed on their own, but all together in one item? Unheard of before or since.

And now we close with the answer to your unasked question: Why has no other person claimed this cape in the 328 years since Neren and Omboratis “died”? Well, the answer is dead simple, if you consider why it was made. The cape only confers it’s magical powers to those two lovers. Anyone else attempting to wear it will find no magic and will suffer a nasty rash.

And now be off to your next class.

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