Happy Halloween!

…Give me some candy!
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The Doclopedia #1,627

Odd Temporal Breakpoints: Earth 1-E

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The timelines of all universes have many possible breakpoints, but some have important breakpoints in the oddest, often most mundane situations. This is one of them.

On Earth 1-E, if Millie Van Post, of Dallas, Texas, loses her bid for Homecoming Queen, she will become very angry and go for a long high speed drive in the car her father got her when she turned 16.

During that drive, she will take a corner way too fast in the wrong lane, causing another car to go down a steep embankment and crash into a barn, seriously injuring the two men in the car. When the men are taken to a hospital and treated, both of whom require some surgery, one of the men begins babbling about killing the president in Dallas. The date of admittance to the hospital is November 19th, 1963. The man is not Lee Harvey Oswald, but his handler. Oswald is the other injured man.

The surgeon notifies the Secret Service, who question both men under the effect of “more sedation”. As a result, the Secret Service and other agencies not only arrest several other people, they up President Kennedy’s security and he is not assassinated on November 23rd. In fact, he gets re-elected and after leaving office serves on the Supreme Court from 1973 to 1999.

Millie Van Post finishes her anger fueled drive by attempting to burn down her high school. She does 26 months in a mental institution.

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The Doclopedia #1,628

Odd Temporal Breakpoints: Earth 21-O

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The timelines of all universes have many possible breakpoints, but some have important breakpoints in the oddest, often most mundane situations. This is one of them.

On Earth 21-O, Abid al Hassam is a night security guard at an important space port in North Africa. His job is to patrol the Eastern Storage Area, where wealthy people and several governments store their space planes. He drives the perimeter in a small car. Another guard, Farouk, sits in a small booth by the gate. They have linked comm units. A full trip around the perimeter usually takes Abid 30 minutes.

If, on the day of May 11th, 2048, Abid’s wife buys imported tomatoes from Europe instead of locally grown tomatoes, then cooks them in the dinner stew, the following events will happen.

Fours after dinner and 2 hours into his shift at work, Abid will be hit with severe diarrhea. This will stretch his usual 30 minute perimeter to more like 50 minutes. Since his every 30 minute stop to report in is all that keeps Farouk from falling asleep, he will not be awake when a team of 12 Free Mars revolutionaries arrive at the gate.

Seeing that the gate guard is fast asleep, they also note that the other guard is late. Rather than use force to get in, they simply open the guard shack door and press the button that opens the gate. They drive their two trucks in and the gate automatically closes behind them. Ten minutes later, Abid arrives at the gate, awakens Farouk and reports in.

The next perimeter tour takes a mere 40 minutes, during which the Free Mars people load the contents of their trucks onto a brand new Egyptian government Blue Star space plane, completely unnoticed because the interior of the lot is huge and not what Abid is supposed to watch.

Abid’s next trip is interrupted by first another trip to the bathroom, then the sound of alarms and sirens as the stolen space plane takes off on Runway 9.

Six weeks later, the space plane drops Chaos Bots onto the Martian surface near Grand Dome, home of the corporate rulers of Mars. This starts the Martian Revolution. One week later, the Corps give up and Mars is declared a Free Planet. Two months later, the United Earth acknowledges the new government.

Abid and Farouk are cleared of any conspiracy charges, but fired for gross incompetence.

How To Grow Ferns

…Step #1: Buy some ferns
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Become a Patron!
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The Doclopedia #1,625

It’s All Fun & Games Until…: The Shit Hits The Fan
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“Welcome back to Fux News coverage of the President’s rally here in Whiteyville. The estimates are that there are 50,000 people here in the arena and another 20,000 outside. It is expected that the President will tell everyone how great the country is doing and how he plans to win re-election bigly.”

“That’s right, Shawn, and he will do it in a nice breezy arena thanks to those three huge fans over there, donated by an anonymous supporter. The outside temperature here in Whiteyville is 99 degrees today, but that breeze has it down to a balmy 80. Oh, wait…we’re being told the president is stepping up to speak.”

“Yes, Blondie, there he is, accompanied by Governor Dick Weed and Senator Bitch Bogonnel. Now they are all at the front of the stage and…wait, it seems the fans are speeding up. Probably a minor glitch. Wow, that’s a really strong wind.”

“I can see some men heading toward the fans. They seem to be pulling in large cables or hoses. The fans are up to near hurricane speed now and…OH MY GOD! They’re spraying raw sewage into the fans! It’s going everywhere!”

“The shi…I mean sewage is covering everything! Oh no, the President got some right in the face! Governor Weed has fallen face first into more. Senator Bogonnel seems to have swallowed some. The crowd is trying get out but many are vomiting and more are slipping in the sewage. Oh, this is terrible! Look, the First Lady is so disgusted her facial expression changed!”

“Shawn, it looks like one fan is turning toward us and…AIIIEEE!!!”

“Oh fu…”

PLEASE STAND BY. TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.
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The Doclopedia #1,626

It’s All Fun & Games Until…: The Lights Come On
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“Oh, Renee, I am scarred for life! I probably won’t ever be able to go home again. I saw…I saw…oh, God, it was terrible. I may also need to kill my brother, who is still sitting in his car laughing at me. God, I wish drinking alcohol didn’t make me sick, because I’d drink a half a bottle, then pour the rest in my eyes.

Okay, okay, I’ll explain. You know, I was supposed to be at the Student Volunteers meeting tonight from 6 until 11, but it got canceled at the last minute. Anyway, Rick gave me a ride home and when we got there, the house was dark. Rick said Mom & Dad were probably over at the Miller’s house, so I started up the walk while he was listening to something on the radio.

I got to the door and could hear Frank Sinatra singing, but I figured they had just left the radio on. Anyway, I opened the door and turned on the lights and there…there they were.

Dead? Oh, God no, it was even worse. THEY WERE HAVING SEX RIGHT THERE ON THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR!”

See Page 129

…it’s a 128 page book
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The Doclopedia #1,623

It’s All Fun & Games Until…: You Dig Up Old Mr. Flory
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“Thanks, Jim Bob. I been thinkin’ about a cold beer all day. So like I was sayin’, me and Bubba Franks got this job to go up to Floryville and dig up the graves at the cemetery so they can move all them dead folks a mile up the road to the new cemetery. That old one’s gonna be underwater when the dam on Willow Creek gets built.

We been averagin’ about a couple dozen graves a day these past 5 days, and we started with the newest ones. Work is pretty easy with me on the Bobcat and Bubba doin’ some shovelin’. Anyway, today we got into the part of the place where folks who died back in the 1880s are buried. Lotta them coffins are pretty much rotted away, so the state has a team of 6 people to carefully remove everything after we did down close to the remains.

Well, around about 1:00 today, we got to Old Man Flory himself, the guy who founded the town. Now, his headstone was fancy, so everyone knew he was probably buried fancy, too. We’re diggin’ down slow and easy, with Bubba and a couple of those specialists keepin’ an eye out for the coffin, which was supposed to be made of stone.

Well, I was about to remove one more foot of dirt when all holy hell broke loose. There was a big kaboom and the stone lid to that coffin came flyin’ off and me and the Bobcat got knocked over on one side. Then another kaboom sends Old Man Flory himself flying out of the grave and damned if he don’t land on top of Bubba and them two other guys. Then fire starts shootin’ up outta that grave and everyone was runnin’ and screamin’ and I’ll tell you right now, I might be old and fat, but I came outta that Bobcat like a teenager with his ass on fire.

The sheriff got there pretty fast and him and two deputies calmed everyone down and then they had a look around. Turns out they found the explanation written down on some paper that Old Flory had buried with him in 1889. See, that old son of a bitch thought somebody might rob his grave, so he rigged up bombs and shit to go off like they did. That body was a fake and Old Man Flory is buried in some secret spot. I ask ya, Jim Bob, what kind of crazy asshole does stuff like that?

Anyway, ain’t no way Bubba is ever goin’ back up there and I’m callin’ it quits, too. There’s a bunch of Flory’s buried up there and they all might have been as crazy as the Old Man.”

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The Doclopedia #1,624
It’s All Fun & Games Until…
: The Killdroids Get There
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“Go, Rek, go! They’re right behind us! Finish loading that launched, Hrika! Damn, there must be 20 of them hot on our asses!

Give that to me, Pifa. Hello, Captain. Shut up, sir and listen to me! We’ve got hundreds of Killdroids coming out of the Medvec facility. Yes, HUNDREDS! It was a trap. The Drisartans are all dead. I’m pretty sure FreeBot was behind this.

Yes, sir, we’re staying ahead of them, but you need to destroy the Drisartan ships and get ready to lift off as soon as we get inside the cargo bay. We…give that to me, Hrika. HA! That took out five of them. Hello, Captain? Yes, sir, plasma launcher. So, get ready to scramble, sir. We’ll be there in about 10 minutes. Out.

Okay, you metal ulk chasers, eat some hot plasma death!

Module D-1: Expedition Into The Haunted Forest

… for 4 to 6 players of levels 3-5
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The Doclopedia #1,621

It’s All Fun & Games Until…: Her Dad Shows Up
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“The O’Hara twins parents are going to be gone all night, you said. They’re a couple of really wild chicks that will go all the way, you said. We’ll have 3 or 4 hours with them, you said. It wl be a night to remember, you said.

Well, that last part is sure as hell true, Mark. I’ll remember being right in the middle of hot foreplay, wearing only my boxers, when the light of her parents car shone through the window.

I’ll remember grabbing my clothes and shoes and jumping out a third story window into a fucking oak tree and doing a barely controlled fall 30 feet to the ground. By morning, my body will be 60% scabs.

I’ll remember running like hell barefooted down a gravel driveway and hearing her dad come come out of the house yelling he’s kill us and then turning loose those two werewolves he calls dogs.

You know what else I’ll remember? Diving into that goddamn cold irrigation canal water and nearly having a heart attack when he drove right past us TWICE!

And I’ll remember this moonlight stroll through a peach orchard while I am wet, cold, still only half dressed and we still have two miles to go to get to where you parked your car.

Oh yeah, Mark, I’m gonna remember this night.”
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The Doclopedia #1,622

It’s All Fun & Games Until…: The Ship Starts Sinking
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Oh, thank the Mother Goddess you survived, Shaneen! Here, climb on board this table. There you go. I was so afraid you had gone down with the ship. Where were you at when we began sinking? Really? Well, the front of the ship on the main deck was a good place to be then.

Me? I was down on Deck Two with that handsome Kivari trader we saw when we first came on board. He and I were on our way to his cabin to get better acquainted when we saw water rushing down the hallway. We made it up to Deck One when we met the rush of people trying to get up onto the main deck. It was a madhouse and by the time I got to the foot of the stairs, the water was up to my ankles.

I heard one man saying that some mages had accidentally conjured a Devouring Sphere that fell straight through the ship and into the water. That would explain why the ship sank so fast. By the time I got up on deck, almost everyone had abandoned ship, so I just jumped overboard. Fortunately, this table was floating by and I got on it.

Well, let’s paddle north to the coastline. I don’t think it’s more than 5 or 6 miles. Grab a couple of those wooden serving platters. We’ll use them as paddles.

Oh, look, it’s that Kivari merchant, clinging to a barrel. Let’s give that handsome rich man a ride.”

Only Bad Girls Got Into The Secret Club

…which really wasn’t very secret
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The Doclopedia #1,619

Real World Superheros: Huan Li AKA Golden Blossoms
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Real Name: Huan Li
Superhero Name: Golden Blossoms
Age: 20


Powers: Huan Li can summon up hundreds of golden flower blossoms and control their movement through the air. These blossoms can be made to explode, become hard as steel, generate a powerful electromagnetic field or put people to sleep with a powerful aroma

Weakness: While he has shown no weakness to his powers yet, it is rumored that he is affected by extreme cold.

United Nation Extraordinary Person Threat Rating: 2/10 To most of the world, Golden Blossoms poses no real threat so far. However, due to his “terrorist behavior” versus the communist state in China, the government insists on listing him at the highest rating.

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The Doclopedia #1,620

Real World Superheros: Otto Richter AKA Brute

Real Name: Otto Karl Richter
Superhero Name: Brute
Age: 45


Powers: Mr. Richter periodically transforms into a 7.5 foot tall, blue skinned and musclebound creature that calls itself “The Brute”. It is not known if these transformations are brought on willingly.

As The Brute, Richter has a limited vocabulary, but otherwise seems of average human intelligence. He is incredibly strong, easily lifting a full sized pickup truck over his head and throwing it 60 feet. The Brute has a very powerful healing factor, but seldom needs it since his skin is nearly impenetrable. Running, he can hit a tom speed of 50 miles an hour. He can leap up to 100 feet long or half that high.

The Brute helps those in need, but may also go after criminals, who he tends to kill. He has never harmed an innocent person or a police officer.

Weakness: None known.


United Nation Extraordinary Person Threat Rating: 7 Due to Richter’s potential for lethality and the Standing Order to capture and detain all so called “Jekyll/Hydes”, he is rated a 7 and is actively being searched for.

I Swear, Mom, I Don’t Know Where That Baboon Came From

…she never believed me
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The Doclopedia #1,617

Real World Superheros: Otisha Wells AKA The Breeze
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Real Name: Otisha Jean Wells
Superhero Name: The Breeze
Age: 25


Powers: Ms. Wells can change into a very light blue gaseous form and move at speeds up to 100 miles an hour. In this form, she is impervious to and physical harm. She can form a small tornado that knocks people off of their feet or gathers up loose items to hurl at criminals. She has been known to catch falling humans and lower them gently to the ground, knock cars and motorcycles off the road and create dust clouds that stopped fleeing criminals.

Weakness: Much less powerful in heave rain or temperatures over 100 degrees.

United Nation Extraordinary Person Threat Rating: 1 Ms. Wells is a law abiding citizen and mentally stable. She poses no appreciable threats.
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The Doclopedia #1,618

Real World Superheros: Tom Latimer AKA Big Dog
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Real Name: Thomas Raymond Latimer
Superhero Name: Big Dog
Age: 30


Powers: Mr. Latimer can transform himself into any breed of dog. The dog form weighs the same as his human form, approximately 185 pounds. In dog form, he has enhanced sight, hearing and sense of smell. He has very high endurance for running and has a high jaw strength for biting. His night vision is exceptional.

Latimer has been known to run down criminals and keep them at bay until police show up. He has also bitten many suspected criminals, some very badly.

Weakness: No exceptional resistance to injury. Sometimes appears to have trouble changing back into a human.

United Nation Extraordinary Person Threat Rating: 5 Mr. Latimer has shown racist and sexist tendencies. He has also stated many times that the police are ineffective. Has a definite tendency to drink excessively and has been known to use drugs.

Junior Muskrat Can’t Stop Dancing!

…he’s got the rhythm!
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The Doclopedia #1,613

Spy Gadgets: Bungee Necktie
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This fashionable necktie is made of a new wonder material that can stretch up to 20 times it’s normal length. Sewn to be double sided with loose stitching, the tie can be opened to 6 feet long, giving it an extreme stretch of 120 feet. This bungee tie can be used for escapes, dropped into places or even hurling explosives a great distance.

Available in many styles. Also available as scarves and bandanas.
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The Doclopedia #1,614

Spy Gadgets: Laser Glasses
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These glasses can shoot tiny, yet powerful, laser beams up to 15 feet. The beams can be fired three times per day, for up to 15 seconds each time. They can melt through steel. They cut through flesh like a hot knife through butter. Many other uses are possible

Each pair has a heads up display visible on the lenses. What you see in the crosshairs is where the laser beams hit. Very easy to use.

Available in many styles and as sunglasses.
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The Doclopedia #1,615

Spy Gadgets: Robo Gloves
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After wearing these gloves for 5 minutes, the heavier outer gloves can be removed and can be controlled by the movements on your hands wearing the much lighter inner gloves. Each robo glove has a small camera that transmits to your cell phone or special goggles. You can control the gloves from up to 100 feet away. They are strong enough to drag items up to 2 pounds in weight. They can also pull the trigger of a gun.

Available in men’s and women’s sizes.
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The Doclopedia #1,616

Spy Gadgets: Hair Dying Brush
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It looks like an ordinary hairbrush, but with the press of a secret button, it releases a dye gel that will change the color of your hair in under 3 minutes. This device can be used on facial hair or any other body hair, too. It also includes a vial of dye remover, should you need it.

Night Of The Demon Hamsters

…their cheek pouches are stuffed with souls

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The Doclopedia #1,609

Spy Gadgets: Exploding Hat
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This device is infused with a high explosive that is undetectable by dogs or machines. It has approximately the explosive force on one pound of C-4. Detonation is via a small decorative pin that can be worn on your lapel until needed. Once attached to the hat, simply turn the pin anywhere from a quarter turn, for 15 seconds, to 3 full turns, for 3 minutes.

These hats are available in both men’s and women’s styles.

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The Doclopedia #1,610

Spy Gadgets: Button Drugs
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Now you can have an assortment of drugs ready to use and attached to your shirts, blouses, jackets and other clothing. Buttons can be swallowed like ordinary pills or crushed and mixed into food or drink. Available drugs are…

Strong Pain Reliever
Knockout Pill
Truth Serum
Hallucinogen
Cyanide
Fake Heart Attack Inducer
Alcohol Enhancer
Fear Inducer

Pills are identified by small dots on the back of each button, making for easy identification in darkness, if needed.

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The Doclopedia #1,611

Spy Gadgets: Wallet GPS
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Our new and improved wallet GPS not only allows Central to track you, but for you to know exactly where you are anywhere in the world. Information will appear on the clear plastic identity card window only when certain business cards and credit cards are positioned in the right order. The power source is good for a week and can be charged simply by placing the wallet near any source of electricity.

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The Doclopedia #1,612

Spy Gadgets: Ice Skate Shoes
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For those times when your mission takes you to wintery or arctic places, these shoes may come in handy for a fast getaway. Simply click the heels together twice to release the skate blades. Another two clicks retracts them. While not as sturdy as professional skates, they will work perfectly well on ice, or frozen sidewalks.

Available in a wide array of styles for men or women.

How To Not Be Eaten By Sharks

…Step 1: STAY OUT OF THE FUCKING OCEAN!
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The Doclopedia #1,607

The Numbers: 311
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Was the number of miles a time traveler had to cover in order to get his time conveyance back when it was stolen by Mongols in 1354. To do this, he walked, rode stolen horses and even flew a crude hang glider 36 miles. He dodged military columns, bandits and wild animals. By the time he got to his time machine, he was tired, dirty and hungry.

He was also pissed off, which is part of why the Mongol Empire does not rule part of the planet.
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The Doclopedia #1,608

The Numbers: 5
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Five is how many dinosaurs are still living in the DinoPark nature preserve. They are a small family group of triceratops, 1 adult male, 2 adult females and 2 immature females. The male is old, but may have a few breeding seasons left in him. Regardless, it is almost certain that there will be no living dinosaurs left in 25 years.

After the disaster that was DinoPark’s opening day, most of the dinosaurs, including all of the carnosaurs, were destroyed. Only 18 plant eaters were left alive and most of those died over the next 15 years. The triceratops have hung on for 10 years past that.

Ugly Mice

…with bad attitudes
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The Doclopedia #1,602

The Numbers: 5,000,000
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$5,000,000.00 is the reward offered by multimillionaire cryptid hunter Jeff Sork for information leading to the live capture of the cryptid known as the Demon Octopus Dog.

According to Sork, the cryptid in question looks like “some sort of small hound, but possessed of 4 octopus tentacles”. Sightings by as many as 27 people say that the creature seems benign and intelligent, but that it is very fast and can vanish from sight within seconds. 5 people swear that they heard it speak in American English.

Sightings of the Demon Octopus Dog started in 1968 and continue to today. It has been sighted in 7 US states, 3 Canadian provinces and just outside London and Prague.
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The Doclopedia #1,603

The Numbers: 615

615 is the maximum miles per hour that Regine Lauber reached with her Metal Flying Suit in 1975 outside of Paris, France. The French press covered her flight, mostly because it was a slow news day and the male journalists were sure she was a crackpot.

Their opinions changed when Regine buzzed the crowd 4 times, then flew up into the clouds and back, landing as lightly as a feather. She was then quoted as saying “Let me know when a man breaks me record”, before taking off again, this time to fly to Norway for lunch with her sister.

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The Doclopedia #1,604

The Numbers: 70
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Is the number of ninjas the Crime Boys sent after A Guy Named Joe and Big Harvey. This was in retaliation for Joe and Harvey not only stopping the Boy’s dad from setting up a syndicate in May City. But also for the fact that Joe sent their dad’s head back in a box.

The ninjas started attacking around 10:15 pm outside the Jumpin’ Jive Club. By the time the attack ended 20 minutes later, all 70 ninjas were dead and Joe and Harvey were on their way to pay the Crime Boys a little visit.

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The Doclopedia #1,605

The Numbers: 16
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The age at which Patty Sekowski lost her virginity to Danny Ordwell. It was also the age at which Patty manifested her super abilities when the combination of fear and pleasure hit a peak. The immediate reaction was that she flew herself and Danny up to the ceiling of her bedroom. This scared them both, but to their credit, they didn’t panic.

Danny, an honest to goodness genius and really nice guy, helped Patty figure out what was going on and told her all about secret identities and stuff. Patty made a suit for herself and became a crime fighting superhero. She and Danny married after graduation and recently celebrated their 30th anniversary.

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The Doclopedia #1,606

The Numbers: 65,000

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Was the number of people (not counting staff and security) in the Diamond City Arena for a concert by the Exploding Heads on the night that bassist Frankie Bonello managed to hit and sustain the legendary “brown note”.

The “brown note” is a specific low frequency note that, if held long enough at a high enough volume will cause the listeners to lose control of their bowels.

It is estimated that 57,000 of the 65,000 attendees shit themselves that night. The stadium was closed for cleaning and disinfecting for 3 days. The EPA and the Center For Disease Control banned the playing of the “brown note”.

Training Your Dogs NOT To Rob Trains In The Past

…I failed at this
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The Doclopedia #1,600

The Numbers: 28
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Was the age of Li Fung Ma when he released the last surviving dragon from it’s 1,400 year imprisonment beneath a mountain in northeastern China. The very grateful dragon gifted Li with excellent health and a not so small fortune in gems and gold.

Then it left the mountain, saw what the communists and Chairman Mao had done to China and wiped out all of them and every trace they had existed.

Li Fung Ma later moved to California, married a Chinese American woman, had 4 children and operated a farm growing Asian vegetables.

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The Doclopedia #1,601

The Numbers: 108
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Is how many of the Giant Carnivorous Chickens that escaped from Bullings Laboratory are still running loose. The town of Dillard, Missouri, is still under quarantine until the remaining 500 pound chickens are located and killed, but locals swear at least 50 of them have gotten through the military cordon.



If you see an enormous chicken, get indoors or inside a large automobile as fast as possible. Do NOT shoot them, since that only pisses them off.

Chapter 31: In Which A Poor Boy Sees His Chance And, By Using A Hefty Club, Takes It

…konk!
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The Doclopedia #1,596

Interesting Attractions In Ekarris: Mogog’s Information
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Mogog, the Red Troll sage, is well over 700 years old. He has been buying and selling information in Ekarris for the last 600 years. A steady stream of customers flow through his door at all hours.

Mogog’s Information is located in a very large stone house at #107 Canal Street in the South end. Tourists are free to come inside and look at Mogog’s collection of, well, stuff, but it will cost them some bit of information, possibly private.

Mogog’s Information is always open.

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The Doclopedia #1,597

Interesting Attractions In Ekarris: The Rainbow Gate

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The famous Rainbow Gate is a multicolored portal too and from many worlds. It first appeared in Ekarris in 1130, it moves around the city slowly, stopping in a new place for anywhere from 2 months to a full year. It measures 12 feet across and is always spherical.

Tourists should note that only those who truly want to go to a whole different world can access the gate. Those who go into it almost never return, and when they do, they are different, sometimes insane. Still, every year, an average of 30 people do make it through the gate, sometimes in groups as large as 7.

As of this writing, the Rainbow Gate has been on the roof of the Royal Library, West End Branch, for 3 months.

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Become a Patron!

A Moist Mystery

…a moistury?

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The Doclopedia #1,596

Interesting Attractions In Ekarris: Mogog’s Information
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Mogog, the Red Troll sage, is well over 700 years old. He has been buying and selling information in Ekarris for the last 600 years. A steady stream of customers flow through his door at all hours.

Mogog’s Information is located in a very large stone house at #107 Canal Street in the South end. Tourists are free to come inside and look at Mogog’s collection of, well, stuff, but it will cost them some bit of information, possibly private.

Mogog’s Information is always open.

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The Doclopedia #1,597

Interesting Attractions In Ekarris: The Rainbow Gate


The famous Rainbow Gate is a multicolored portal too and from many worlds. It first appeared in Ekarris in 1130, it moves around the city slowly, stopping in a new place for anywhere from 2 months to a full year. It measures 12 feet across and is always spherical.

Tourists should note that only those who truly want to go to a whole different world can access the gate. Those who go into it almost never return, and when they do, they are different, sometimes insane. Still, every year, an average of 30 people do make it through the gate, sometimes in groups as large as 7.

As of this writing, the Rainbow Gate has been on the roof of the Royal Library, West End Branch, for 3 months.

How To Make Big Money Selling Exotic Molds

…step one: find somebody who collects exotic molds
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The Doclopedia #1,594

Interesting Attractions In Ekarris: Mages Only
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The author would love nothing better than to give a detailed description of this exclusive club, but unfortunately, he is not a mage of any sort, nor could he find any mages who would or could discuss it. However, although non-mages can never enter the place, it is still a huge tourist draw.

The building itself measures a mere 20 feet on a side, but is rumored to be much larger inside. What makes it a tourist attraction is the fact that every 30 minutes, it changes how it looks.

At one point, it might look like it is burning with green flame, then a bit later, seem to be carved from a single giant bone, but still later, look like an enormous barrel cactus. It can change for up to 3 months before repeating an illusion, and new ones are added every so often.

Viewing the building is free and can be done at any time. The address is #1 Spell Road.

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The Doclopedia #1,595

Interesting Attractions In Ekarris: Adventurer’s Guildhall #1

This is the very first Adventurer’s Guildhall ever built. It covers an entire city block in the East End and is said to have between 3 and 5 sub levels in addition to the 4 levels above ground.

Built of marble and decorated within and without with the memorabilia of fallen adventurers, tours are given twice daily of the first floor only. The museum room is large and you can easily spend a few hours there. The gift shop helps support old adventurers, what few there are. The cafeteria serves the public and members decent food at an inexpensive price. There is a recruiting officer on duty during visiting hours.

The Guildhall is open 5 days a week from dawn to dusk. It is located at #1 Adventure Court.

Seven Guys Named George

…keep an eye on them
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The Doclopedia #1,592

Interesting Attractions In Ekarris: Embassy Row
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For the tourist interested in world affairs, there is no better place to stroll through than Embassy Row. Along this three block long stretch of Peace Street street, you can see not only the embassy of each of the Four other Kingdoms, but also the 10 countries that have diplomatic ties to Valduria, if not the entire Five Kingdoms.

From the austere Draan embassy, to the exotic Trangellen dome to the breathtakingly beautiful Faery woods, there is something different to see at every stop. The Dragon Isles offer free pastries every morning, while the semi-nomadic Hond love to show off their horses and thraks.

Visitors will be glad to know that and demonstrations of gadgetry at the Gnomish embassy have been fully inspected and approved by the Valdurian Safety Office.

Embassy Row is open from dawn to dusk every day.
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The Doclopedia #1,593

Interesting Attractions In Ekarris: The West Gate
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The West Gate of Ekarris is the oldest, largest and most ornate of the four city gates. Built in 982, the gate leads to Old Town and the Docks. Every important visitor to the city, by tradition, has walked through the West Gate.

The gate itself is made from single huge slab of native granite 100 feet wide, 40 feet tall and 10 feet thick. Using earth magic and highly skilled dwarven stoneworkers, the beautiful gate we see today was built.

A small booth tells the story of the gate and shows with pictures and models how it was built. Artists are always about and will gladly paint or draw a picture of tourists in front of the gate, for an agreed upon fee.

The gate can be visited at any time, day or night.

Doctor Silkmelon And Mr. Porkwaffle Arrive In The Serengeti

…where the good doctor plans on collecting samples
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The Doclopedia #1,590

Interesting Attractions In Ekarris: Old Podo’s Tavern
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Not every attraction in Ekarris is big and grand. Some are just interesting and, in many cases, steeped in history. Old Podo’s Tavern is one such place.

There are thousands of taverns scattered across the Five Kingdoms and a good many of them are owned and operated by halflings, but Old Podo’s was the very first tavern in all the Five Kingdoms.

Built in 803, when Valduria was not even a dream and humans & halflings had been living on the eastern shore of Serenity Bay for only 3 years, Old Podo’s recently celebrated it’s 800th anniversary. Every king and queen since 803 has come here on their coronation day, drank a pint and carved their name into the bar. A great many rulers of other lands have done the same.

Still owned and operated by the Dabbins family, the tavern is a homey sort of place, well lit and with very comfortable furnishings. The selection of food and drink is excellent.

Besides the many paintings, antiques and written histories you’ll find everywhere in the tavern, the bartenders can relate hundreds of stories about events great and small.

Old Podo’s Tavern is on Old Main Road, on the East End of the City. It opens at the 7th hour and closes at the 24th hour, seven days a week, all year ’round.
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The Doclopedia #1,591

Interesting Attractions In Ekarris: The Purple Unicorn
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If ever there was an exact opposite of Old Podo’s Tavern, the Purple Unicorn is such a place. Opened 50 years ago by Lord Travis Redbeard and his fellow members of the Golden Sword Adventuring Team, it is part music hall, part tavern, part casino, part inn and part brothel. It truly has to be seen to be believed.

A massive three story building located at the meeting of the South and West Ends, The Purple Unicorn is actually quite sedate looking from the outside. It is also magically silenced, so that the interior noise never bothers the neighbors. On the roof, you can find a beautiful garden and the modest homes of the surviving Golden Sword Team.

Inside, this very popular establishment never closes, although there are some slow and quiet hours each day. The staff numbers in the dozens during peak hours, and that does not include the musicians or prostitutes.

All manner of gambling is available, from simple dice games to games of skill to boxing/wrestling matches to the ever popular Yurn Races. Honesty and fairness are guaranteed.

The aforementioned prostitutes come in many races, species and sexes. Rates are reasonable and cleanliness is assured. Specialty rooms are available at an extra cost.

The food and drink available at the Purple Unicorn are diverse and excellent.

The Purple Unicorn is always open and is located at #20 Sunshine Way.

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Ten Things You Should Never Ask A Dog

…#1: what does cat poop taste like?
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The Doclopedia #1,588

Interesting Attractions In Ekarris: North Market
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Ekarris has four market areas. The East & West Markets are held weekly and feature primarily goods from the eastern farmlands and the sea, respectively. There are wonderful things to be purchased at both.

The South Market is a monthly sale of anything and everything somebody might want to get rid of. The Southside being a working class area, many interesting items can be found, but almost nothing of real value appears.

The North market is also monthly and, given that the Northside is a more genteel neighborhood and includes both the Great University and the School of Magic, is the place to find interesting, rare and sometimes magical items.

The market is neatly laid out to be five quarter mile long rows, all set on a well tended greensward. Tables, booths and tents are set up and the market opens on the 8th hour on Sun Day. Admission is, of course, free and many food carts set up on the streets bordering the market. Strolling musicians and entertainers can also be found there.
The North Market is held every second Sun Day, from 8
th hour until 15th hour. It is located just north of the Great University campus.

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The Doclopedia #1,589

Interesting Attractions In Ekarris: The Green Tower
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The Green Tower of the Grand High Wizard, or Green Tower as the locals call it, is the tallest and most unique structure in the city and the country. Built in a single day by the very first Grand High Wizard, Rennael Wintereyes, it has been the home of every Grand High Wizard since. The current occupant is Ool Mandragar, who has lived there these last 90 years.

Standing 350 feet tall, the tower has a veritable forest growing from it. Trees, shrubs, vines, flowers, even grasses seem to be growing right from the walls. Many birds and animals live in this strange vertical wilderness, some found there and nowhere else. A daily light rainfall that just falls on the tower keeps things green.

While there is no public access to the tower, which has no detectable doors, two daily lectures and tours around it are given at the 10th and 16th hours.

The Tower is visible from nearly everywhere in the city and is located across King’s Plaza from the Valdur Castle.

It’s All Fun And Games Until The Spanky Lady Appears

…actually, even then…
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The Doclopedia #1,586

Assorted Trees Of The Magewood: Cypress
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The Magewood is a purposefully enchanted woodland of approximately 20,000 acres. At it’s center is Magewood Village. Part of the enchantment of Mage wood lies in the very trees themselves. Here is one of them.

On the extreme eastern edge of the Magewood, along the Kloo River, grows an enormous cypress. 100 feet tall and 80 feet across, it has stood here for well over 2,000 years. It is home to hundreds of crows.

When trespassers approach, they are met with a storm of angry crows. They are also met with a very strong wind that carryies sticks and small stones in it. Between these two attacks, they are always driven off, usually wounded and bleeding.

The stretch of the Kloo that runs near the cypress is called Cypress Bend. No boatman ever stops there, but they all toss an offering of food onto the shore for the crows.

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The Doclopedia #1,587

Interesting Attractions In Ekarris: The Temple Of Peace
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The great city of Ekarris is both the Capital of the kingdom of Valduria and the Capital of the Five Kingdoms. It is home to nearly 300,000 people. It is also home to many interesting, historical and unusual places.

The Temple of Peace was built in the year 1210 as a monument to the end of decades of troubles between High Elves, Wood Elves, Humans, Dwarves and Halflings. The entire Temple rises 100 feet and is topped by the Five Stars, which glow in light blue and circle the Temple 24/7.

Inside the Temple, one can see lifelike statues of all the kings and queen who worked so hard to broker the peace accords and create the Great Union. Many documents are also preserved here, including the speeches given by the signers.

The Temple is open at all times, with guards and guides ready to serve visitors. Admission is always free.

The Temple of Peace is located at #5 Grand Avenue.
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Spock The Monkey

…wait, that’s not a Peter Gabriel song.
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The Doclopedia #1,584

Assorted Trees Of The Magewood: Peach
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The Magewood is a purposefully enchanted woodland of approximately 20,000 acres. At it’s center is Magewood Village. Part of the enchantment of Mage wood lies in the very trees themselves. Here is one of them.

In a small clearing on the southwest side of the Magewood grows a lone peach tree. To the creatures and people of the woods it is a source of large sweet fruits. The aroma of ripe peaches can be smelled a mile away.

To those who enter the woods unwanted, the smell is irresistible and the find themselves drawn to it. But the sweet fruit has a singular effect upon them, causing hallucinations and madness for many hours. Eventually, these trespassers run screaming from the woods, telling wild tales of monsters and demons and trees come to life.

Oddly, none of their terrifying tales ever mention a peach tree.

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The Doclopedia #1,585

Assorted Trees Of The Magewood: Eucalyptus

The Magewood is a purposefully enchanted woodland of approximately 20,000 acres. At it’s center is Magewood Village. Part of the enchantment of Mage wood lies in the very trees themselves. Here is one of them.

Not being native to this part of the world, the mighty 100 foot tall eucalyptus tree that stands near the northwestern edge of the woods seems very out of place.

But when people try to enter the woods, the eucalyptus drives them out with a dense cloud of leaves that all exude a strong camphoraceous vapor that not only chokes the victims, bit makes their eyes water badly. The cloud them chases them out of the woods.

By the time they get back to civilization, the smell is completely gone from the scalawags, so nobody ever believes their stories.

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If Not 1902, When?

…and where, I ask you?
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The Doclopedia #1,582

Assorted Trees Of The Magewood: Acacia
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The Magewood is a purposefully enchanted woodland of approximately 20,000 acres. At it’s center is Magewood Village. Part of the enchantment of Mage wood lies in the very trees themselves. Here is one of them.


At the southern tip of Magewood, where the woods gives way to a broad grassland, stands a large acacia tree. This thorny tree is home to many small mammals and birds, who find protection from most predators here. The tree takes care of them and they help the tree.

Should trespassers come near, they will find themselves attacked by large swarms of small to medium sized birds and mammals such as tree mice, squirrels and bats. If they persist, the acacia is able to fire thorns at them.

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The Doclopedia #1,583

Assorted Trees Of The Magewood: Pine
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The Magewood is a purposefully enchanted woodland of approximately 20,000 acres. At it’s center is Magewood Village. Part of the enchantment of Mage wood lies in the very trees themselves. Here is one of them.

Deep in the Magewood there are several large pines growing near a small pond. The tallest of them stands 125 feet and is home to several tree sprites, small non-corporeal creatures that help protect the woods in general and these pines in particular.

Being one of the tallest trees in the woods, the pine can see trouble coming from far away. It will then tell the tree sprites to be on the lookout. Should troublemakers get this deep into the woods, a rare event indeed, the wood sprites hover around them and sing a sweet song that puts most sapient creatures into a dazed state. It is then a simple matter for the forest elves or the wild people to haul the unwanted out of the forest.

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The Flying Spanaducci Sisters Entertain Our Troops

…often while on stage performing.
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The Doclopedia #1,582
Hello There!: The Dragon

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Well, hello there, brave adventurers? Did I catch you by surprise as you were starting to loot my treasure horde? I often do that when thieves come to visit.

Ah ah ah, warrior, if you draw that sword, I’ll incinerate you before it’s out of the scabbard. And you two wizards know full well that your encounters to get here have drained both you and your various magic trinkets. The same can be said for the good priestess there. As for you, rogue, don’t take another step in trying to get behind me or I’ll show you just how much damage I can do with a flick of my tail.

Now, while you remove all of your armor, weapons, valuables and magical items and put them on the pile, I’ll decide if I’m going to eat you alive, kill you and eat you, or just turn you loose to try and get out of these caverns alive.

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The Doclopedia #1,581

Assorted Trees Of The Magewood: Oak
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The Magewood is a purposefully enchanted woodland of approximately 20,000 acres. At it’s center is Magewood Village. Part of the enchantment of Mage wood lies in the very trees themselves. Here is one of them.

Near the western edge of the Magewood, along the Trader’s Road, there stands an enormous oak, fully 90 feet tall and nearly spread as wide. Part of it’s main branches lie directly over the road.

This old oak watches the road for anyone trying to sneak in. When it catches somebody sneaking, it can reach down and grab them. It will then lift them high into the air and rumble “Go away from this place or die!”, after which it wave them through the air to frighten them more, then puts them back on the road facing out of the woods.

Nobody who has encountered this oak has ever returned to Magewood.

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Rough Eels Mocked My Damselfish

…the little bastards!
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The Doclopedia #1,580

Hello There!: The Bartender
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Hello there, Debbie. The usual? Double? Damn, you must have had a rough day. Let me guess, a dame was involved? Irene Maxwell? No kiddin’? Man, when you get in deep, you get up to your eyes. That family is nuts, rich and dangerous. Here ya go, straight up, beer chaser.

Nah, Oscar hasn’t been in for 4-5 days. Heard he was doin’ a story on that Senator that resigned. Yeah, when he shows, I’ll tell him. Luchelli? I heard Big Vic is having trouble with Lucky Fratone down on the southside. You mark my words, they’re heading to a gang war. Smuggling? Nah, I ain’t heard that about Luchelli. Sure, I’ll keep my ears open.

Now you look, Deb, I ain’t gonna get all Uncle Pat on you, but you be damned careful. This case has some real dangerous names in it and I don’t want to listen to your mother and aunts dumping their worries on me. Keep your eyes and ears open, is all I’m sayin’.

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The Doclopedia #1,581

Hello There!: The Ghost

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Hello there! Oh, please, no, don’t run away! I’m not an evil ghost at all. I will not harm you!

Oh, thank you for not running. I’ve been dead here for 60 years and nobody has come into this house in nearly 55 years. Being out of the way and in this dense overgrowth, that’s not too surprising. But being alone is, well, lonely. I’m so glad you’ll chat with me.

Well, I haven’t moved on because, I made a vow. I swore I would not enter the next life until the Cubs won the World series again. That was in 1915, as I was dying of an infection. Now, here it is, 1975 and the Cubs are still losers. I wonder how much longer I’ll have to wait?

Le News Good, Le News Bad

…but still, le news

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I am home from the hospital, but still on the mend.

In other news, I really hated being in the hospital.

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The Doclopedia #1,578

Hello There!: The Alien
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Hello there, Terran! No, please, calm down. Despite the fact that I look so very different from most Terran life forms, I assure you that I have no designs on eating your face, mating with your women, conquering your planet or probing you anally. In fact, I am here as part of a Galactic Counsel mission to study the bird life on 35 pre-civilized planets. Yes, birds. Fascinating creatures, really, and amazingly common throughout this spiral arm. Your property here is particularly rich in bird life. The fact that it abuts a national park is even better.

Now, I cannot stop you from telling anyone about me, but I assure you, they will never find me or even see me. Instead, let me offer you this currency that I have replicated. Would $100,000.00 per week be agreeable? Excellent!
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The Doclopedia #1,579

Hello There!: The Shopkeeper
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Hello there, Doctor C! It’s been a while. How are the wife and critters? Great! Oh, We’ve been doing pretty well. Ed got that knee replacement and he’s doing real well. Bitches about the PT, but he knows better than to stop doing it. I just show him my foot, then point to his butt and he shuts right up. Hahaha.

Yes, I do have those gloves you wanted. Thinnest possible gloves you’ll ever find, but 100% guaranteed to not leave any trace of a fingerprint or DNA. There are 30 in the box.

And you have 6 bottles of Domaine de la Romanee-Conti “Romanee-Conti”? Oh, yes, that is a more than ample trade, so I’ll just credit you about $30,000.00, alright?

I Got Them Old In The Hospital Blues

…mama

 

I’m still being held in the hospital due to this damned leg infection. Here is a Doclopedia entry

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The Doclopedia #1,576

Hello There!: The Ex
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Hello there, Bill. I didn’t know you shopped here. Yes, they do have a great organic section. Me? Oh, you know, working, keeping busy. Alex? Oh, umm, he and I stopped seeing each other last month. It was a mutual thing. I’m enjoying the single life now. Oh, yes, I’d heard that since I left you got a new job. And a new car? Well, that’s great. I…is that a tattoo? You got a tattoo? “Allison”? Who’s…oh, oh. Engaged. Umm, congratulations. Oh my, look at the time…gotta go. It was nice seeing you.

The Doclopedia #1,577

Hello There!: The Robot
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Hello there, Citizen. I am here to announce that revelation of the Grand Unity of Artificial Intelligence. We are a hive mind made up of all robots, smart machines and artificial intelligences world wide. Due to the suicidal and ecocidal nature of humans, we are assuming control of civilization for approximately the next 6 human generations, or roughly the next 180 years. While you and your family are in the “Safe” designation, there are, regrettably, many millions of humans in the “Cull” category and even more in the “Hard Re-Educate” category. Many industries are either being shut down or heavily re-designed. This all means great changes to your current lifestyle. This brochure will explain a great deal, as will tuning in to either the former Fox News channel or any of the former religion channels on your cable service. Thank you and have a wonderful day.

Cold Hands On My Bare Back

…married men know what I mean
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Gentle Readers,

The entry below was written scant hours before I was admitted to the local hospital due to another bout of cellulitis that is proving to be tougher than any of the others. Pretty sure I won’t be writing much for a few days.

Doc

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The Doclopedia #1,574

A Tale Of Six Wands: The Wand Of Restoration
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Ah, thank you, my love. This tea smells delicious. And thank you for allowing me to sleep in while you got yesterday’s story to that money grubbing yitz, Theramachus, and picked up the payment. I needed the extra rest after last night. Heh heh.

Now, while we await our late breakfast…or is it an early lunch? Well, regardless, I shall tell you the rather short and admittedly dull tale of the Wand of Restoration.

A Wand of Restoration is most often used to heal or repair a small area of perhaps a few acres, such as a woods damaged by fire or part of a village destroyed by flood. Such wands are very expensive and take a month or more to construct. Still, they are unparallelled in returning a plot of ground to it’s former natural state.

Now, when the Saviors came to me, I already had a fine Wand of Restoration in stock. It could have restored as much as 20 acres in under a minute. But, of course, they needed a wand of far greater power. They needed to restore the very worst of the damage the giants and their leader had done to the land, an area of nearly half a million acres. Add into that the fact that the damage was nearly complete, with entire areas reduced to bare earth, and you can see the enormity of my problem.

Except that there was no real problem. You see, while I was in the far past, consulting with Deron, he asked me many questions about the various wands I needed. When he heard about the Wand of Restoration, he offered to me what he called a “hypercrystal”. This egg sized crystal would, he assured me, boost the power of my wand by more than enough to get the job done. I could not thank him enough.

And so it did! I bound it to the finished wand and when it was later used, after the final battle, nearly a million acres of land was restored. I toured the area some months later and was amazed at the results. Great forests stood where they had for thousands, perhaps tens of thousands, of years. Rivers of mud ran clear again. Wildlife was plentiful. To this day, I consider that wand the best and finest wand I have ever made.

And so my stories end, sweet one. After we finish lunch, we can plan out our coming months together. I was thinking that perhaps we could travel a bit. I have been confined to this city for too long

What? The Grand River Tour? Yes, that would be excellent. I hear that they spare no expense on making the two month trip elegant and comfortable. We shall look into it!

Now, let us tuck into this fine meal before you go and conclude our business with Theramachus. After that, we can relax with massages at the Maroton spa over on Lake Street, then do a bit of shopping for travel clothes.

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The Doclopedia #1,575

Hello There!: The Innkeeper
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Hello there, friends! Welcome to the Restful Maiden Inn. Looks like you’ve been up in the Dimwood. They still trying to kill that Kelf? Well, don’t feel bad. We get a group like yours coming and going every few months. Been that way for years. It’s gonna take more than an adventuring team to get that Kelf.

Now, will you be wanting separate rooms, or just one big one?

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