A New Kind Of Crazy

…the old kind is out of stock
The Doclopedia #1,686

New Spells: Una’s Tasty Pie


First Circle Wizards often find that their selection of spells is a choice between detecting things, getting protected from harm, and attacking others. This spell offers the lowest rated Wizards a chance to do something else.

Una’s Tasty Pie will create one 12 inch piping hot pie of the caster’s choice. Sweet or savory, it doesn’t matter. The pie will, after cooling for 3 minutes, slice itself into 6 equal slices. Not only is the pie delicious and filling, it will heal minor wounds and provide the same sustenance as a decent meal.

This spell takes 1 minute to cast.




The Doclopedia #1,687

New Spells: Warp Door


When a Wizard reaches the Ninth Circle, the spell choices grow fewer, but vastly more powerful. A case in point is the Warp Door spell. Simply put, it opens a doorway through space that allows you to step through it and come out no less than 1,000 miles away.

The caster must know where he wants to go, but it need not be too exact. Saying “the main trade route to Kaviristan, 2 miles outside the city of Hrit” is good enough, as is “The north portion of the beach on the Kaviristan coast”.

This spell takes 3 minutes to cast and opens a portal 10 feet across. The portal stays open for 90 seconds. Once through the portal, the caster will be weak and dizzy for up to 30 minutes.

Chili On a Waffle

might be tasty

The Doclopedia #1,683

New Spells: Musinia’s Rain Of Madness


A dangerous spell to cast, this Sixth Circle spell causes a cloud to appear over an area roughly 60 feet across, at an altitude of 100 feet. A light rain begins to fall and all sapient creatures touched by it are driven quite mad.

The madness could be based in fear, anger, hatred, lust or any other emotion. Those afflicted will act upon their madness without hesitation and with great energy. The sight of such mass madness is terrible to behold, so the caster and any companions are advised to leave the area fast.

The spell can be cast from up to 120 feet away and takes 3 minutes for the rain to start falling. The madness lasts around 15 minutes.



The Doclopedia #1,684

New Spells: Windball


This Third Circle spell functions exactly as the Fireball spell, but instead unleashed a 90 mile an hour wind from a central point. Such a sudden wind will knock down everything from people to lightly loaded wagons to medium sided trees. Small items will be blown up to 100 yards away.

The spell range is line of sight up to 500 feet. The wind lasts for 10 seconds.



The Doclopedia #1,685

New Spells: Dalnor’s Dog


Sometimes, you need a dog, but don’t have one handy. This Second Circle spell will allow you to create a dog from whatever material you have at hand. In a cold area, this might be snow or ice, while in the desert, it might be sand or rock. Whatever the case, the completed dog will function for 6 hours and behave exactly like a superbly trained real dog.

The caster can create any breed or size of dog he can think of, provided there is enough material. The dog will then carry out his commands. The dog need not be fed and will not sleep or require rest. Should the dog be needed for more than 6 hours, simply recast the spell before the first 6 hours are up.

The Cranberry Fairies Hate The Gravy Elves

…war is coming on Turkey Day

The Doclopedia #1,681

New Spells: The Hex Of Persistent Illusion


Upon reaching the Fifth Circle, wizards can cast a particularly nasty spell, the Hex of Persistent Illusion. A long lasting spell, it will haunt the target for a full month.

Simply put, the spell will cause the target to see, hear or smell, one thing that the caster desires. The illusion will then appear at random intervals from a few minutes to a few hours apart. The mental effects on the target will vary, but by the end of the month, nobody affected by this spell is totally in their right mind.

Some examples of illusions cast using this spell.

The smell of rotting flesh.

The image of a tiny dancing man.
Sounds of thunder in the distance.
A child’s laughter.
A woman dressed in black, he face covered by a veil.
A small dog with an almost human face.
Screams of terror.

The smell of wood smoke.
The smell of acid.
Three small balls of green light, revolving around one another.

The roar of 1,000 charging trolls

A humanoid shape made only of darkness

This spell will work on any sapient being not immune to illusions. Dispel Illusion will only stop it if cast three times within an hour.



The Doclopedia #1,682

New Spells: Elasticity

Also known as “Instant Escape” and “Human Slingshot”, this Third Circle spell allows one to turn their body into a very elastic state. Limbs can stretch up to 30 feet, the entire body can become paper thin or assume a string-like form, the person can fall great distances and bounce, and crushing type damage is just not done. In fact, piercing damage and cutting damage are both greatly reduced, too. Spells, cold, fire and other forms of damage still work as normal.

This spell lasts 10 minutes and can only be cast upon oneself.


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Doc Tempest And The Man Of Iron

…from the June, 1972 issue

The Doclopedia #1,679
New Spells: Ool’s Fearsome Diversion


For wizards of the Fourth Circle or above, this spell can allow for escapes, attacks, or as the name implies, diversions of your target’s attention.

When cast, this spell will create a single large creature of the caster’s choosing to appear wherever the caster desires, within a range of 90 feet. It must be a creature the caster has actually seen at some time. No mere illusion, this creature can deal a moderate amount of damage if it attacks. Said attack will, of course, be appropriate for the type of creature chosen.

The sudden appearance in their midst will cause most beings to panic, or at least be greatly surprised. Either way, the diversion, which lasts only 30 seconds, will allow for escape, attack, or whatever else needs to be done by the caster.




The Doclopedia #1,680

New Spells: The Mystic Mist Of Dreamwalking

There may come a time when a wizard needs to learn something of a person without asking a lot of questions or using a truth spell. Going into the dreams of another person, while risky, can yield valuable information. Best of all, the wizard themselves need not be the dreamwalker anyone can have the spell cast upon them.

Upon casting, the target person falls asleep and their spirit leaves their body as a light blue mist. This mist can then travel up to a mile away to enter the mind of a sleeping being. Once in their dreams, the dreamwalker can create dreams of their choice, the better to learn about the subject. The degree of control over dream creation and adjusting id based upon the dreamwalker’s intelligence, so it is recommended that the spell not be cast upon fighters, barbarians or others of lesser intellect.

It cannot be overstated that going into dreams is a dicey thing to do. Dreams can be very strange and a dreamwalker can become confused and lose track of their mission. In extreme incidents, they might acquire phobias or mannerisms similar to the target person.

This spell lasts for up to two hours, but will be broken if either the target or the dreamwalker are awakened.

Catgirl Yami And The Devil Boy Twins

…she’ll turn them good


The Doclopedia #1,676

Dog & Cats Living Together: Natasha & Boris

The Dog: Natasha, a pit mix

The Cat: Boris, a mixed breed shorthair

The Living Situation: Natasha & Boris have no actual home, because they are spies for the Non-Human Terran Alliance. They routinely travel around the Austin, Texas area, where they keep tabs on tech firms and government offices. At most of these places, people are glad to see them come around and often feed them and pet them. At other places, they might get Animal Control called on them, but since both of them are human genius level smart, they always escape.

Natasha & Boris are doing vital work in letting the NHTA know what humans are up to, but they stress that their jobs would be way harder without the many NHT that aid them and the help of dozens of human renfields.




The Doclopedia #1,678

Dog & Cats Living Together: Annie & Bess

The Dog: Annie, a basset hound

The Cat: Bess, a Russian Blue

The Living Situation: Annie & Bess are two middle aged critters living on the Happy Sunshine Organic Farm with their humans, Fred and Callie. There are also three kids, Venus, Sam and Olivia.

Annie & Bess have it pretty good. They eat and sleep and hang out most every day, then play with the kids when they get home from school. The often follow Fred and Callie around the farm, which is entertaining because after 3 years, the two humans are still learning all about farming.

For fun, Annie & Bess will sometimes chase the chickens or sheep, but they’ve learned that other farm animals either ignore them (cows, pigs) or get mean (geese, goats, turkeys). At other times, while Bess goes off hunting for mice in the barn, Annie will go have a good roll in whatever poop smells best today.



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Bucky & Squint Are Done Screwing Around!

…and then they both walked into a glass door


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The Doclopedia #1,674

Dog & Cats Living Together: Jake & Frankie

The Dog: Jake, a poodle/terrier mix

The Cat: Frankie, an orange tabby

The Living Situation: Jake & Frankie live in Oakland, California, with Je’Rome, a more or less starving artist. J-Rom, as he signs his art, is a good guy, but he needs help with the day to day part of being an adult.

Fortunately, Jake & Frankie do what they can to help him. Jake routinely hides money that he takes from J-Rom’s nightstand. On bill paying day, the human just happens to find $40.00 in his jeans pocket.

Frankie knows that his human waits too long to wash the laundry, so once a week, he pees on the big pile of dirty clothes and J-Rom has no choice but to wash it.

They have recently started helping with his art. It seems that a big painting with dog and cat pawprints on it fetched double the normal price.




The Doclopedia #1,675

Dog & Cats Living Together: Wilson & Lois

The Dog: Wilson, a beagle

The Cat: Lois, a Siamese

The Living Situation: These two live in a middle class suburb of Boston. Their owners are Harry & Betty, two 60 year old empty nesters. The two humans lead a pretty ordinary life, both working 9 to 5 jobs.

Wilson and Lois, however, lead a fast paced and often paranoid existence helping suburban animals escape dangerous situations. They help dogs, cats, rabbits, rodents, birds and a wide assortment of wild animals who are looking to leave the suburbs and run free or maybe find better humans.

Very often, these creatures have to spend a day or two in the house or yard. Wilson and Lois run themselves ragged trying to keep Betty and Harry from seeing the unannounced guests. Fortunately, the humans are often tired or just vegging out watching tv. Lois once escorted a family of opossums right through the living room while the humans were sleeping in their recliners.

Harry often wonders why the dog & cat are “so goddamn jumpy all the time”.

Insolent Centipedes Harassed My Sowbug

…the nerve!


Have I mentioned recently that posts like this (and there WILL be more posts exactly like this one) will be compiled, edited and turned into a PDF that you can get by supporting mt Patreon? Well, consider it mentioned and click on the big link at the bottom of this entry. Thank you.


The Doclopedia #1,672

Random Character Creation (Horror): What Do You Know?

1: Clowns are chasing me

2: Werewolves are real


4: Professor Venton was right!

5: Aliens walk among us

6: The undead shall rise

7: The Old Gods are returning

8: The President is a ghoul

9: Count Renfield is really a vampire

10: There are ghosts in the library

11: Cats are plotting against us

12: Professor Yevnetski must be stopped

13: There are…things…down in the sewer

14: Loki has returned!

15: I hear voices in the walls

16: The Unholiest Church is back

17: A plant is infesting Chicago

18: The Volcano Goddess awakens

19: I found the Tomb of Fu Manchu

20: There are dark cults out in Kansas




The Doclopedia #1,673

Random Character Creation (Horror): What’s Your Problem?

1: alcohol

2: a bum left leg

3: nightmares

4: I’m cursed

5: overweight

6: very poor vision

7: paranoid

8: deaf in right ear

9: acrophobia

10: dope

11: lycanthopy

12: speech impediment

13: OCD

14: Not 100% alive

15: ophidophobia

16: terminal disease

17: missing right arm below elbow

18: severe allergies

19: only half human

20: ailurophobia


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The Secret War Between Glasses And Cups

…civil wars are the worst


The Doclopedia #1,672

Random Character Creation (Horror): What Do You Do?

1: I’m a truck driver

2: I’m a geologist

3: I’m a department store clerk

4: I’m a soldier

5: I’m a college student

6: I’m an accountant

7: I’m a farmer

8: I’m a pilot

9: I’m a auto mechanic

10: I’m a theoretical physicist

11: I’m a police officer

12: I’m an actor

13: I’m a doctor

14: I’m an antique dealer

15: I’m a sailor

16: I’m a housewife

17: I’m a biologist

18: I’m a nun

19: I’m a welder

20: I’m a jewel thief




The Doclopedia #1,673

Random Character Creation (Horror): Who Do you Know?

1: Senator Radley

2: Professor Karloff

3: Agent Gold

4: Ram Singh

5: Donna Sanderson

6: “Icepick Nick” Falloni

7: Captain Eastwood

8: Mrs. Perkins

9: Professor Lorre

10: Helena Ospensky

11: Luke Taylor

12: Sir Gerard Kingsley

13: Danny the Duke

14: Misty Carlyle

15: Yen Sing

16: Inspector Menard

17: Tammy Lomax

18: Goodman Okula

19: The Queen

20: Max Lebowski




The Doclopedia #1,671

Random Character Creation (Horror): What Do You Have On You?

1: pocket knife, keys, letter from Professor Holman, my lucky dime

2: hip flask of rum, $200.00, really old ring, handkerchief, pistol

3: hunting knife, picture of something strange, candy bar, camera

4: car keys, Dr. Parks hat, magnifying glass, whistle, dog treats

5: holy relic, shotgun, bubble gum, make up case, ham sandwich

6: hammer, pliers, book of poetry, a black diamond, $5.00 in change

7: Ancient scroll, vial of liquid, letter from Desmond, box of donuts

8: extra pair of shoes, dagger, bag of potatoes, $18.35, airship ticket

9: 100′ of manila rope, very strange figurine, pocket knife, cheese

10: .38 pistol, brass knuckles, Book of the Awakened, cigar, lighter

11: mummified hand, bottle of strange liquid, pair of socks, gloves

12: thieves tools, $73.00, Egyptian amulet, wool hat, bag of candy

13: small box of soil, 3 apples, bottle of beer, green bandana, gum

14: gold coin, katana, pine cone, picture of a strange cat, small sack

15: bottle of wine, old book written in Persian, candle, hacksaw

16: Book of the Vampire, silver hammer, fox fur, small cheese pizza

17: tommy gun, head in a jar, eyeglasses, vial of mercury, large sack

18: Jar of honey, 6 pearls, shark’s teeth, top hat, .44 automatic

19: stink bomb, Eye of Horus, roast beef on rye, live snake, 2 rocks

20: expensive perfume, Book of the Strange, crayons, brick, roses



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Blunt Forks Trauma



The Doclopedia #1,671

Random Character Creation (Horror): Who Are You?

1: Larry Talbot, from Richmond, Virginia

2: Irina Vostokov, from Moscow, Russis
3: Mac Parker, from Toledo, Ohio

4: Leigh Cristopher, from Surrey, U.K.

5: Chan Fu, from San Francisco, California

6: Betty Brent, from New York, New York
7: Clint Wayne, from Turkey, Texas
8: Guadalupe Vega, from Zacatecas, Mexico

9: George Solo, from Canberra, Australia

10: Doris Knight, from Portland, Oregon

11: Freddie Mackenzie, from Toronto, Canada

12: Aruna Shetty, from Hyderabad, India

13: Denton Marsh, from Portland, Maine

14: Jenny Walker, from Selma, Alabama

15: Boris Price, from London, U.K.

16: Carrie Lucas, from Los Angeles, California

17: Garret M’Kuma, from Nairobi, Kenya

18: Amelia Silva, from Lisbon, Portugal

19: Gunther Kloss, From Bremen, Germany

20: Bob Swenson, from Fargo, North Dakota

The Fish Hour

…glub glub glub


The final post for the “Wow, That’s Big!” theme. I’m not sure what the next theme will be. Check back tomorrow.


The Doclopedia #1,670

Wow, That’s Big!: The Eye Of Abeyllion

The Eye of Abeyllion is a huge human eyeball the size of the planet Jupiter. No, it is not something that looks like an eye, it IS an eye. No, the eye is not frozen, nor does it have an atmosphere, water, soil or lifeforms on its surface. It maintains a temperature of 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit and rotates in random directions. Really, it’s like a huge Mad Eye Moody eye out there orbiting the star Abeyllion.

Nobody goes anywhere near that system because the Eye creeps them the fuck out.

Tiger Girl Mayumi And Her Living Sword

…more fake anime

I meant to do three posts, but only had time for two. Final post for this theme will be up tomorrow.


The Doclopedia #1,668

Wow, That’s Big!: The Giant All Beef Hot Dog

At Ed’s Big Weenie, a hot dog restaurant in Critter City, Texas, they have a 20 pound all beef hot dog. It measures 3 feet long and is available for purchase at $75.00. It comes with a proportionately sized bun and whichever condiments you like, including sauerkraut. Chili and cheese are extra.

Amazingly enough, Ed sells about 300 of these monster dogs every year, mostly during conventions like CritterCon.



The Doclopedia #1,669

Wow, That’s Big!: DAF Dragonslayer A-3

On Earth 446-H, the world is at war. In the fight against the Darkness League, the Dwarven Air Force has created ment flying ships. The largest of these is the Dragonslayer A-3, a combination bomber and aircraft carrier. The A-3 measures 2,000 feet long, 300 feet wide and has 18 decks. 6 of those decks are above the flight deck, which can launch any planes up to the size of the Human X-90 bomber/fighter.

The ship normally carries 30 DAF Griffon class fighters and as many as 300 assorted bombs. It has a crew of 1,500 dwarves, gnomes and halflings.


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Into The Quantum Soup With Dog And Bus

…for the next 25 hours

Only the one entry tonight, folks. I’ll do three tomorrow night.

The Doclopedia #1,667
Wow, That’s Big!: The Air Whale


Nobody on Earth 21-M knows where the extraterrestrial lifeform dubbed “The Air Whale” came from, but pretty much everyone on the planet has seen him more than once.

The Air Whale is a nearly transparent creature roughly shaped like a Blue Whale. It measures just over 3 miles long and a half a mile wide for most of its length. From belly to back, it is about 1,000 feet thick.

When it appeared in Earths atmosphere in 1950, it caused a worldwide panic. Most governments were ready to try shooting it down, but cooler heads prevailed when it did nothing aggressive. Sadly, the North Korean Air Force did attack it with 5 jet fighters. Just before they got into firing range, the creature emitted a single focused sonic pulse and blew the planes up. Since that day, nobody has made an aggressive move against the Air Whale.

The Air Whale is known to consume pollutants in the atmosphere, and often “dives” cities like Los Angeles, New York and Beijing, swallowing up tons of smog with each dive. Later, the creature excretes boxcar sized pellets of solid waste, mostly carbon.

Handsome Joe And His Pals Play Pirates

…and sink Mrs. Yueng’s rowboat

The Doclopedia #1,665

Wow, That’s Big!: The Godskull Of Murn

First of all, the Godskull of Murn is not the skull of a god. It was the skull of a Storm Giant named Pargor that wanted to be three times the size of the largest Storm Giant ever. Since that giant had been 110 feet tall, the Wizard that Pargor had taken prisoner dutifully zapped him to 330 feet tall, at which point Pargor stumbled over his own feet and fell off of his mountain, breaking his neck and 34 other bones. The Wizard then escaped and ran off into the mists of history.

Fast forward 600 years and a group of down on their luck monks find the skull of Pargor. A bit of praying to their god reveals the truth about it, but the monks see a money making opportunity. They haul the skull back to their small monastery in Murn and start telling anyone who will listen that it is the skull of some dead god and it may have certain divine powers.

Now, 25 years later, people come from far and wide to look at and touch the skull. All of them leave some amount of money in the donation box, so now the Holy Brotherhood of the Skull has a fine big monastery and many monks spreading the good word.




The Doclopedia #1,666

Wow, That’s Big!: The Incredible Steam Elephant


Shown for the first time at the 1882 London Exhibition of Science & Industry, the Steam Elephant was roughly 5 times the size of any pachyderm that ever lived. It was created by Professor Henry Leamington and his top student, Sir Malcolm Redmond.

Besides having the gigantic steam powered creature do several tricks, the Professor would give up to 20 people a ride around the Exhibition on it, at a shilling per person. Thousands of people took the ride.

After the Exhibition, the Professor toured with the great beast for three years. He went all over Europe, Asia and North America. In the fall of 1885, he returned to England and placed the Incredible Steam Elephant on permanent display in the British Museum of Science.

Duet For Crying Baby And Pennywhistle

…sadly, not a popular piece

The Doclopedia #1,663
Wow, That’s Big!: The West Coaster Roller Coaster


Built to be “the roller coaster experience of a lifetime”, The West Coaster starts with a 400 foot drop, goes through loops, twists, inversions, more drops, 3 swings out over the Pacific Coastline, and a ½ mile plunge underground before it stops 7 miles from where it started. The Worldwide Roller Coaster Fan club rates it the #1 roller coaster in the world.

Tickets are $25.00 per person. A scenic train ride back to the parking lot is included in the price.




The Doclopedia #1,664

Wow, That’s Big!: The World’s Largest Four Sided Die

Was built on Earth 1-L by eccentric gaming billionaire Dave Gary. It measures 30 feet on a side and is made of foam rubber and painted with a special paint that gives it a pink marble look. It was made, along with equally huge 6, 8, 10, 12 and 20 sided dice, to celebrate Dungeon Con 25 in 1995. All of the dice are fully roll-able once they are lifted to the top of the 150 foot dice tower that was built the same year.

Each year, 1 hour before the con opens, the huge dice are rolled. Any con attendee whose badge dice images match the die roll get VIP treatment, a big exclusive swag bag and a free com badge and hotel suite for the next year’s con.


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Purple Brain

…NOT a song by Prince

The Doclopedia #1,660

The Village Of White Rock: Hamish The Mage

Should you need the services of a mage while in White Rock, your only real choice is Hamish. There might be another mage, or even a Wizard passing through town if you are very luck, but more often than not, Hamish is your only choice.

Nobody knows his last name, if he has one, and nobody is really sure when he came to live here, except that it was at least 45 years ago. Hamish seems to have learned the mystic arts almost, or maybe just beyond, the point where a Mage can become a Wizard, but then walked away from formal study.

Hamish is not a specialist in any particular field of magic, but more a generalist who knows a few spells from all the fields. He does seem to favor Transformation, Restoration and Alteration spells, but does not limit himself to them.

You will find Hamish at his modest home on the very end of Winding Lane. He lives with his cat, Protzel, his dog, Bumper and something invisible he calls Wivv. Hamish is, while very eccentric, a pleasant person. He is generally willing to help people if he can, assuming they can pay his fee. Said fees are not always payable with money.

Hamish is usually at home, unless he’s not.



The Doclopedia #1,661

The Village Of White Rock: Okenda’s Boat Shop

Regardless of whether you enter the village from the land or the water, if you need a boat, Omoru Okenda can either sell you a new or used boat, or if needs be, repair your boat.

Okenda’s has a staff of five and a fine selection of boats from dugout canoes to rafts to rowboats. They often have larger craft tied up on the dock waiting sale. You will find Mr. Okenda and his staff to be knowledgeable and friendly. As an added bonus, they can tell you where to find good fishing spots along the river.

Repairs done at Okenda’s usually take from one to three days and come with a 6 month guarantee. They can also do modifications to boats.

Okenda’s is open 7 days a week from 6:00 am until 6:00 pm.



The Doclopedia #1,662

The Village Of White Rock: The House In The Woods

Located one mile out of town along the North River Road, the House in the Woods is a full service brothel owned and operated by Mr. & Mrs. Talidor.

Set back from the road in a lovely wooded region, the large two story home has a staff of 18 young men and women of 5 different races, all ready to meet the needs of the customer. In addition, drinks can be purchased, along with any potions that might help a person in their performance or enjoyment.

During festival times, the Talidor’s may bring in as many as 10 more staff, to cover the increase in business. This often includes some of the more “exotic” races.

Young people seeking a first encounter of the sexual kind should ask about the “First Timer’s Discount”. Discounts are also available for the elderly and our active duty military.

The House in the Woods is open from noon until 2:00 am every day except Moonday.



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Time Travel For The Utterly Perplexed

…which is, let’s face it, most of us

The Doclopedia #1,656

The Village Of White Rock: The Temple of the Mother Goddess


White Rock has two houses of worship. The first is the Temple of the Ten Gods, a church found in almost every city, town and village in the Five Kingdoms.

The other is the Temple of the Mother Goddess. Worship of this once forgotten god has seen a resurgence over the last century, and White Rock is home to one of the first of the new temples.

This temple is home to Sister Mother Esilnya Greenwillow and four Sisters. Besides aiding the sick and injured, the good Sisters are also experienced midwives. They regularly travel to farms in the area to attend to birthing mothers.

For those with serious injuries, the Sisters are the best chance of healing. From broken bones to sword wounds to animal bites, the holy power of the Mother Goddess can provide aid.

The Temple is open all hours year ’round. Donations in any form are gratefully accepted, but not necessary.



The Doclopedia #1,657

The Village Of White Rock: Market Square


The market square of White Rock is just down River Street from Trade Road One. The many stalls fill up quickly on Starday every week.

Here, you will find foods, crafts, tools, clothing and many other items, both locally made and brought in by boat from far off places.

In the center of Market Square is a stage, where performers appear all day on market day. Many well known musicians and acting troupes make it a point to stop be once or twice a year, and people come from smaller villages in the area to see them.

The market is open every Starday from 7:00 am until 3:00 pm. In bad weather, a Spell of Protection From The Elements is used to create a dome over the whole square.




The Doclopedia #1,658
The Village Of White Rock: Sundo’s Used Goods


If you are looking for something and cannot find it in the General Store or other shop, Sundo Klinkhammer probably has it in his riverside warehouse.

Staffed by Sundo and 7 other gnomes, the 240,000 square foot warehouse is stacked from floor to ceiling with everything from common items to military surplus to magic items to gnomish inventions. Most items are priced to sell, because new stuff comes in daily.

On the off chance that Sundo does not have what you are looking for, he can try to find it, and probably will. Such searches and inquiries often take several days, so be forewarned.

Sundo’s Used Goods is open 7 days a week from noon until midnight.



The Doclopedia #1,659

The Village Of White Rock: Mayor’s Office


At the White Rock Mayor’s Office, you will not only find the mayor, but the post office, jail, council chamber, village records, village guard office, tax collector and the Royal Valdurian Local Secretary. Everyone at the Mayor’s Office is ready to help with whatever you need. You cannot miss the 2 story red building at #9 River Street, nor the beautiful garden that surrounds it.

The Mayor’s office is open every day except Starday and Owlsday, from 8:00 am until 5:00 pm.



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The Truth About The Sloth Invasion!

…it’s going very very slowly

The Doclopedia #1,654
The Village Of White Rock: Wendara’s Bakery


Owned and operated by Wendara Wiggins, a halfling whose family moved from Vale to White Rock 200 years ago, this bakery is where everyone in town comes for baked goods of all sorts.

Wendara and her crew start baking at 3:00 in the morning and by the time they open at 6:00, the smell of their products fills the air all over town. On Owlday, when they bake pies, you’ll find a long line at the door come opening time. On Starday, the same lines form for all sorts of sweet cakes, including the decadent Vale Blueberry Cakes.

As is the way of halflings, most of the bakery is under a hill. The actual shop portion is a pretty standard building, capable of accommodating people of all heights.

Wendara’s Bakery is open Moonday through Starday from 6:00 am to 4:00 pm. They are open Queensday and Kingsday from 6:00 am until noon.



The Doclopedia #1,655

The Village Of White Rock: Gundurn, the Blacksmith


A long line of Dwarf blacksmiths have manned the forge at #7 Trade Road One, and Gundurn is the latest. All of the smiths before him were his relatives. While not an overly talkative fellow, Gundurn is of a more pleasant nature than some Dwarves.

The bulk of Gundurn’s business is shoeing horses, repairing or making farming tools and creating useful and decorative wrought iron items. However, on slow days, he enjoys making knives, short swords and hand axes. These fine weapons sell quickly, but Gundurn is glad to take special orders.

If you need repairs to armor, Gundurn can help you there, too. He does not make armor, but he can makes shields both large and small.

Gundurn is at the forge most days, unless he decides to go off hunting or fishing.


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Bungle In The Jungle, Tarry In The Prairie, Stomp In The Swamp

…or get felt on the veldt


The Doclopedia #1,652

The Village Of White Rock: Burnaby’s General Store


Burnaby’s General Store is one of the very few two story buildings in White Rock. The store proper is on the first floor and Mr & Mrs Burnaby and their 5 children live upstairs.

Both of the Burnaby’s are half elven/half human, so given the workings of genetics, they have two human, two elven and one half elven offspring.

The store itself stocks a very wide range of merchandise, from foods and spices to tools and dry goods. They have clothing, shoes, various medicinal compounds and a limited selection of weapons. You can special order just about anything and get it within a time period from days to weeks.

Besides being the primary place to shop, Burnaby’s is also a local gathering place, especially for older folks. The large front porch is seldom empty of quilters, knitters, game players or just folks discussing the village goings on.

Burnaby’s is open 6 days a week from dawn to dusk.



The Doclopedia #1,653

The Village Of White Rock: The Clear Sky Inn


The Clear Sky Inn is owned and operated by the married Wizards Portia and Lyset Gilkon. The two ladies opened the inn 120 years ago and have improved it steadily until it is the two story, 12 room place you see today.

The big attraction of the Clear Sky Inn is the fact that a powerful spell keeps the sky above the inn clear year ’round. In 120 years, not a drop of rain or flake of snow (rare in these parts) has fallen on the inn or the property for 30 feet around it. No cloud has ever darkened the sky.

Besides very comfortable and clean rooms, the inn has excellent food and a fine bar. Most nights there is some sort entertainment. On Moondays, there is a ladies tea.

The Clear Sky Inn is always open.


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The Rare And Beautiful Floating Cattle Of Potawango Island

…for the love of God, don’t stand under them!

The Doclopedia #1,650
The Village Of White Rock: An Introduction


The village of White Rock is situated on a large wide bend in the Sorsis River, 100 miles due west of South Bay and 80 miles due east of Dragon Hill. In fact, the bend is caused by the huge stone mass the village is named for. The rock itself is 250 feet wide along the river, extends back another 400 feet and rises to a height of 175 feet, leaning out over the river a few yards.

This wide spot in the river allows for barges and other river vessels to tie up at the docks and take on cargo, supplies, or just have a rest. Half a dozen boats pass through every day, but during the harvest season, that number can triple.

The village is located at the “T” intersection of Trade Road One and Wheat Road, in the central valley of Valduria. As the name Wheat Road implies, the area is mostly covered by vast wheat fields, along with a number of other types of farms.

The population of White Rock is about 80% Human, 10% Halfling and 10% various other peoples. The total population is around 600 people. A mayor is elected every 3 years and nobody can be mayor more than once without waiting 6 years. The village council is made up of 6 adults whose names are drawn at random. They also serve for 2 years.

Aside from the occasional fight between river boatmen, White Rock is a peaceful place.

Famous Residents of White Rock

Mercuria Gold: Famous archer and hunter of the undead

Wodly Boxhill: Royal Chef to King Erak of Valduria (1056-1103)

Lork: Red Troll warrior and Defender of the Greenwood

Dinnia Lindsale: Current Headmistress at Glowleaf’s School of Magic For Young People



The Doclopedia #1,651

The Village Of White Rock: The Leaping Stag

As with most villages and towns, White Rock started out as a stop along a road, and the Leaping Stag is where travelers stopped to quench their thirst.

First built as a three room wooden building in 885, the tavern is now considerably larger, but still serving up drinks to thirsty travelers, river folk and farmers 305 years later.

The Zanderz family has owned and operated the Leaping Stag since day one. Rilla Zanderz, the current matriarch of the family, has contracted with many breweries and wineries to ensure that the selection of drinks is a varied one.

The Leaping Stag is located at #1 Trade Road One and is open from 8:00 am until 3:00 am every day.



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Dog Food Pizza

…thick crust


The Doclopedia #1,648

Blame The Cat!: For The Baby

So, my wife and I have this female Siamese cat named Trixie. Now, she’s a great cat, but she has this terrible habit of meowing and raising hell any time we get horizontal, you know what I mean?

Kissing and stuff standing up, fine. Laying down on the couch to make out? Nope. She’s an indoor cat and we live in an apartment, so we need to avoid too much noise. Putting her in another room doesn’t help, plus she’ll claw the shit out of the door.

Then, one night, my wife says “What if we try doing it in a standing position?”. So, with all our clothes on, Polly, my wife, leans over the back of the couch, I get behind her and we start acting it out.

EUREKA! Trixie watches for a few seconds, then goes back to playing with a catnip mouse. Naturally, after several minutes of dry humping, Polly and I are ready to go, so we get naked and start up. Trixie falls asleep! For, Like a week, we tried different standing positions and the cat did not care once. Our sex life went through the roof.

The problem was, on that first night, we were so excited, I forgot to put on a condom.

The baby is due in May.



The Doclopedia #1,649

Blame The Cat!: For Killing The Dinosaurs

My name is Roberta Cross, but everyone calls me “Doc”. My husband, Greg and I own a time traveling Cadillac Eldorado that is way bigger on the inside and can travel trough space & time. We also own 3 cats, named Sasha, Daisy & Silky. They’re as smart or smarter than humans. They are also chock full of energy and shenanigans.

One time, we were out near Saturn, watching the early formation of the rings. After a couple of hours of that, we started heading back toward Earth. We were in no hurry, so we stayed in that time, 85 million years ago.

As we were getting near to Jupiter, we sighted a humongous asteroid that was 14 miles across. Our computer said it was in an orbit that would cause it to fall into the sun in about 50,000 years, so I figured I’d just leave it alone.

And no sooner had I decided that, when three zoomie cats came racing into the bridge. Sasha ran under my chair and over the radio controls, causing Led Zeppelin to blast at full volume.

Silky lost her footing and slid into the box of cookies I had sitting on the floor next to me. Once she regained her footing, she ran over the top of me and out into the living room.

Daisy, always the athlete, parkoured off of various points, including the control panel, where her foot caused a photon torpedo to be launched straight at the asteroid. In 3 seconds, it hit, blowing away part of the space rock and leaving one big chunk and one much smaller chunk.

Now, I should have immediately checked their new trajectories, but Greg, was yelling at me to turn down the music and I had spilled tea all over my boobs and there were cookies all over the floor and I was cussing at the cats, so I forgot all about trajectories.

About 2 weeks later, back home in our time, Sasha started checking the recordings for that incident. She reported that the biggest portion of the asteroid was the one that killed the dinosaurs and the smaller piece is what blew up over Tunguska.

So, if you want to know what REALLY killed the dinosaurs, it was a cat.


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This Space For Rent


The Doclopedia #1,647

Blame The Cat!: For All Those Fireworks

“Jesus, Mike, we’ve gotta leave town and fast! All those fireworks going off is gonna have cops and fire marshals and feds and lawyers all after us. Step on the gas and let’s get outta here!

Oh shit! The fucking mall is on fire! Drive! DRIVE!

You know what started the fire, right? It was that big black cat from Old Man Lueker’s farm! I had the little grill set up on some boards on sawhorses way in the back yard of that empty house we had the fireworks in. I’d just put on some hotdogs for me and Jay when that cat starts walking along the fence. Jay yells at it and it gives him a fuck you look, so he chucks a rock at it.

Then the damned cat jumps off the fence, lands on one end of my table boards and next thing you know, the grill on the other end goes flying and then the dry grass goes up in flames and then Jay and I are running and then the shit hits the fan.

We were lucky to get outta there ali…Oh nononono! It’s a roadblock! Here come the cops. Fuckin’ Jay must have ratted us out!

I hate cats.

The Astounding Jellyfish-Man Versus The Villainous Red Newt!

…not a Marvel or DC comic


The Doclopedia #1,644

Blame The Cat!: About The Explosion

It is the ruling of this panel that, on the 21st of May, 1990, at 3:16 in the morning, a mixture of volatile chemicals spontaneously combusted, starting a fire that ignited rags and wood in the back storeroom of the H.R. Twiggins Auto Painting Shop at 5688 Gunderson Road in Spratsville, Ohio. Said rags and wood spread the fire into the main portion of the building, which was quickly engulfed it flames, causing two propane tanks and four paint storage tanks to explode. The resulting explosion completely leveled the building. No lives were lost.

As to how the chemicals became mixed, the panel refers you to footage taken by security cameras and provided to us by Daxx Security. You will note that at 2:30 am, a cat named Porky wakes up, sniffs his food bowl and acts upset by the contents. After knocking the bowl over and spilling the contents, as you have just seen, he now goes to several spots around the building, in some cases urinating or defecating in what can only be described as an upset manner.

Finally, we see him climbing up to a shelf in the back room and knocking down everything on it, including the aforementioned chemicals.

Finally, we have this last bit of footage of the cat leaving the building via a cat door. Approximately 50 seconds later, the explosions occurred.

Given all of the evidence, this panel blames the cat.




The Doclopedia #1,645

Blame The Cat!: For Crashing The Car

See Missy the cat.

Missy is a large fat cat.

See Missy left in the car while her owner buys a cup of coffee.

See the car on a hill.

See Missy jumping around the car.

Missy does not like being left in the car.

See Missy accidentally knock the car into Neutral.

See the car begin to roll.

See Missy’s owner come running out of the coffee shop.

Look! The car is going faster!

Missy’s owner is chasing the car!

The speedometer now reads 40 miles an hour!

Look there! It’s a curve!

See Missy being frightened and pooping all over inside the car!

Oh no! The car misses the turn and crashes into Mr. Feldman’s Dry Cleaning Shop.

Look! Missy leaps out through the shattered windshield!

Missy is unharmed!

See Missy’s owner arrive 2 minutes later. Look at her huffing and puffing!

Uh oh! Missy’s owner is saying bad words.

Missy is just sitting and grooming herself.

The End



The Doclopedia #1,646

Blame The Cat!: For Wrecking The House

Our Players
Wally: A ginger cat
Jed: A dog
Pinky: Another dog

Wally: Man, I am bored.

Jed: So am I. The humans have been gone for hours.

Pinky: What’s “dinner and a movie” anyway.

Wally: Hell if I know. Hey, you guys want to play “Chase”.

Jed: Sure!

Pinky: Sounds like fun!

Wally: Okay, you two chase me. This will be fun because all the room doors are open in the house tonight.

<insert a healthy and tiring 40 minute long game of chase that covers every room of the house, at high speed, here>

Pinky: Wow, that was fun, but I’m hella tired now.

Wally: Me too.

Jed: Hahaha! We all have flour and craft glue and glitter and potting soil in our fur.

Wally: Yeah, but we can just roll on the carpet to get it off.

<insert much rolling on the few areas of carpet and sofa not already filthy>

Wally: Whew! Time for a nap!

Jed: You betcha!

Pinky: Yep! You know, Wally, you have some great ideas sometimes.

Wally: Well, I am a cat, after all.

<insert much snoring until the humans get home around midnight>

Rocket G-Men! Episode 7: Fire Warriors!

…they fight WITH fire!

The Doclopedia #1,642

Recipes For The Devout Worshiper: Pocket Pie For The Traveling Redemption Seeker

What You Will Require

4 female virgins, tastefully dressed, between the ages of 16 & 21

1 pound of Certified Sin Free Wheat Flour

2 quarts of water gathered by the virgins from the Spring of Veth

2 tablespoons of salt

½ pound of Gim Butter, churned late at night under the supervision of two 5th Order Priests of Hakandru. Improper churning technique may result in punishment via a Soul Saving Buggering.

3 ripe Deeshta Fruits

4 ounces of honey made by the Giant Bees of Motis.

A dash of the Forbidden Spice, which will require you to then remain celibate for 9 days.




While the virgins mix the dough, all the while singing the 19 Songs of Purity, you must peel, seed and chop up the Deeshta Fruit.

When you are done chopping the fruit, go flagellate yourself for 10 minutes while begging Yornuk, Hakandru and Qoul to forgive your impure thoughts.

Now, roll out the dough to 1/8th inch thickness.

Next, using a Thrice Blessed Pocket Pie Cutter, cut out 6 pie doughs.

Mix the fruit with the honey and then add the spice.

Have the virgins light the over using a Rizz Candle.

Put equal portions of the fruit filling on the dough discs.


Have the virgins fold and crimp the dough, then place the pies in the oven until golden brown.

Once the pies are cooled, you may leave on your pilgrimage in search of redemption. EAT NO MORE THAN ONE PIE A DAY OR BE TAINTED WITH SIN!
The Doclopedia #1,643

Recipes For The Devout Worshiper: Blessed Drink Of Insight

What You Will Require

An Eska Goat in full milk.

A blue glass bottle, washed in the River Carroon.

A Golden Milk Pail.

2 ounces of Junandra Juice, squeezed by a child.

1 ounce Common Sugar




While reciting the 7 Insights of the Golden Era, milk the goat.

Pour the Junandra Juice into the bottle.


Pour in the milk until the bottle is almost full.

Seal the bottle and then recite the Prayer of Bokol twice.

Go to your Home Shrine and place the bottle upon it.

Begin praying and do not stop for anything for at least 2 hours.

Once a full day has passed, gather your slaves and begin the Dance of Calling For Divine Favor. Keep dancing for an hour.

Go and cleanse your body.

Don your Amtun Robes.

Drink the Blessed Drink and begin praying for whatever insight you require.

More Songs About Aardvarks And Plums

…they’re real toe tappers

The Doclopedia #1,641

Recipes For The Devout Worshiper: The Most Blessed And Holy Breakfast Loaf Of The Pure Hearted


What You Will Require

6 slaves, preferably Ulugs, but Milonto’s will do, if properly trained

½ pound of holiest Red Grain flour

1 cup ripe Vaa Berries

½ cup of Lurm Milk, blessed by the Most High Mother of the Blind God

2 eggs from either a Tuak or a Giff

1 cup of chopped, dried & smoked Seena Sausage

½ pound crushed and soaked Pimmel Rice
1 once of the Nine Sacred Spices of Kupzatt the Judging Goddess

2 ounces of Tubon Fat, melted at night while singing sacred songs


3 mixing bowls made of silver and prayed over for 1 hour each
A Blessed Stirring Spoon
A Hez Wood Masher

A steel loaf pan etched with the 37 Runes of Purity and Devotion.




After performing the Third Ritual of Banishing Impure Thoughts, have 3 of your slaves prepare the kitchen, including starting a fire in your Oven of Fiery Redemption/

Have the other 3 slaves bathe you in water scented with Squink Urine. Then have then dress you in the Robes of the Most Devout Chef. Once that is done, banish them to your House of Sin Removal for flogging and preaching.

Take the Pimmel Rice and place it in one of the bowls. Use the Hez Wood Masher to pound it into a paste.

When the paste is made, add the flour, milk and spices. Use the spoon to stir it up. STIR ONLY 14 TIMES, LEST YOU BECOME TAINTED WITH SIN!

Add the berries, eggs, sausage and fat.

Pray for 15 seconds to R’rakk that you are worthy.
Using the spoon, stir the mix exactly 21 times anticlockwise. It is good if you recite the 6 Virtues of R’rakk as you do this.

Set the mix aside for 10 minutes while you wash your hands in Yinf Bile, then water, then Sacred Pool Water.

Put the mix into the loaf pan and have your tallest slave put it in the oven. Bake for 25 minutes or until well browned on top. During this time, kneel before your chosen Kitchen Idol and pray while your shortest slave recites the Hymn of Soul Cleansing.

When the loaf is out of the oven, order it to be put on a platter. Leave it to cool for exactly 39 minutes. Lie very still on your Punishment Bed while waiting.

Once the loaf is cooled, you may eat it, but if your heart is not pure, Wormlings from the Hell of Gore will erupt fron your chest and devour you.


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Big Words On A Small Page

…Or is it the other way around?


The Doclopedia #1,638

Me And My…: Living Brain

NO! You must not touch her! Get away from Erin!

<insert police and FBI agents restraining Dr. Neil Jedlo from attacking FBI CSI’s who were looking at an enlarged human brain sealed in some sort of glass globe>

Alright! I’ll cooperate if you keep them away from Erin. Yes, yes, me wife Erin. Disappeared 3 years ago? No, she did not! Her brain is right there. I…I suppose her body did disappear. Once her brain was safe, I put that weakened husk into the toxic acid pit over at United Chemical. It was totally dissolved in less than an hour. But she no longer needed it. She was alive in the device I created. She was free of cancer and a bad heart. What? NO! I DID NOT KILL HER!

(Insert Dr. Jedlo attempting to attack Detective Inspector Barnes and being restrained again>

The cancer was killing her! I had no choice but to remove her brain. I injected her with the hyperoxygen and the cerebral nutrients and then had 15 minutes to remove her brain and put it into the device, which is filled with hyperoxygen and even better nutrients. I did it in 8 minutes. It was quite messy, but there was no degradation of the brain tissue.

<insert Agent Rox Millder asking about the brain’s size>

Oh, yes, that. Totally unexpected. I can only assume that the solution, being so oxygenated and nutrient rich, stimulated tissue growth. She is just short of three times the size and weight of an ordinary brain. Quite remarkable, really. What? Oh yes, she is completely alive and aware. What good would a dead brain do anyone?

<insert a general panic when a speaker on the device holding the brain emits a human female scream at high volume>




The Doclopedia #1,639

Me And My…: Wombat

Mom! Mom! Calm down, okay? It’s not a giant hamster, it’s…NO! It’s not a giant guinea pig, either. Mom! It’s a WOMBAT! They’re from Australia and…no, it doesn’t eat meat, it eats grass and stuff. No, he’s not going to bite. He’s just a baby. Umm, yeah, he will get a lot bigger. MOM, stop yelling! What? Why are you calling dad? Well, tell him Mr. Duggans, the old Australian guy down the street gave him to me. What? Oh, that’s wombat poop. See how it’s cube shaped? Isn’t that cool? I wonder how his butt…MOM! Stop yelling!




The Doclopedia #1,640

Me And My…: Cyborg Cat

That’s Felix, our ship’s cat. He’s a fine old guy who has seen his share of action. Yeah, he’s about 50% machine now. Lost his tail when that damned Tulgor accidentally hatched in Cargo Bay 3. Not quite fast enough to outrun it, eh, old boy? Of course, he was faster than poor Ensign Oofkar.

His eye? That was cancer. His ears got shot off during a battle with GirGons that transported on board. Would you believe he led one those snakey bastards into the trash recycler? Hahaha.

He lost his hind legs to a Cirrolon virus, same one that got my left leg from just below the knee. It was some nasty shit, I’ll tell you. His teeth? Old age. Hell, he’s 28 next month. The doctor says that his bionic heart and liver will help him live 4-5 years more. After that? Well, we’ll probably just let him go naturally. But until then, he’s about the best cat in the fleet.


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