Dog Food Pizza

…thick crust

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The Doclopedia #1,648

Blame The Cat!: For The Baby
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So, my wife and I have this female Siamese cat named Trixie. Now, she’s a great cat, but she has this terrible habit of meowing and raising hell any time we get horizontal, you know what I mean?

Kissing and stuff standing up, fine. Laying down on the couch to make out? Nope. She’s an indoor cat and we live in an apartment, so we need to avoid too much noise. Putting her in another room doesn’t help, plus she’ll claw the shit out of the door.

Then, one night, my wife says “What if we try doing it in a standing position?”. So, with all our clothes on, Polly, my wife, leans over the back of the couch, I get behind her and we start acting it out.

EUREKA! Trixie watches for a few seconds, then goes back to playing with a catnip mouse. Naturally, after several minutes of dry humping, Polly and I are ready to go, so we get naked and start up. Trixie falls asleep! For, Like a week, we tried different standing positions and the cat did not care once. Our sex life went through the roof.

The problem was, on that first night, we were so excited, I forgot to put on a condom.

The baby is due in May.
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The Doclopedia #1,649

Blame The Cat!: For Killing The Dinosaurs
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My name is Roberta Cross, but everyone calls me “Doc”. My husband, Greg and I own a time traveling Cadillac Eldorado that is way bigger on the inside and can travel trough space & time. We also own 3 cats, named Sasha, Daisy & Silky. They’re as smart or smarter than humans. They are also chock full of energy and shenanigans.

One time, we were out near Saturn, watching the early formation of the rings. After a couple of hours of that, we started heading back toward Earth. We were in no hurry, so we stayed in that time, 85 million years ago.

As we were getting near to Jupiter, we sighted a humongous asteroid that was 14 miles across. Our computer said it was in an orbit that would cause it to fall into the sun in about 50,000 years, so I figured I’d just leave it alone.

And no sooner had I decided that, when three zoomie cats came racing into the bridge. Sasha ran under my chair and over the radio controls, causing Led Zeppelin to blast at full volume.

Silky lost her footing and slid into the box of cookies I had sitting on the floor next to me. Once she regained her footing, she ran over the top of me and out into the living room.

Daisy, always the athlete, parkoured off of various points, including the control panel, where her foot caused a photon torpedo to be launched straight at the asteroid. In 3 seconds, it hit, blowing away part of the space rock and leaving one big chunk and one much smaller chunk.

Now, I should have immediately checked their new trajectories, but Greg, was yelling at me to turn down the music and I had spilled tea all over my boobs and there were cookies all over the floor and I was cussing at the cats, so I forgot all about trajectories.

About 2 weeks later, back home in our time, Sasha started checking the recordings for that incident. She reported that the biggest portion of the asteroid was the one that killed the dinosaurs and the smaller piece is what blew up over Tunguska.

So, if you want to know what REALLY killed the dinosaurs, it was a cat.

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