Monthly Archives: December 2019

Angrily Slamming The Door On 2019

…fuck 2019
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The Doclopedia #1,750
The Colors: Silver

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The Silver Warrior is a strange fellow indeed. Nobody has ever seen him without his helmet on, so there is no actual proof that he is human. Or male. Or even alive. For all anybody knows he could be a golem gifted with limited speech.

What is known is that he/she/it shows up in times of trouble and fights on the side of good. A deadly opponent in battle, the Silver Warrior asks no quarter, nor give it. Entire armies have given up and run off when they see that silver armor.

After a battle, the Silver Warrior climbs upon his horse and rides away at great speed. Nobody knows where he comes from or where he goes.

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The Doclopedia #1,751
The Colors: Sky Blue

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On August 15, 2004, at 12:07 pm, ten sky blue budgerigar parakeets flew into a well known restaurant in New York City and raised holy hell with the diners and staff. They grabbed food, dive bombed people, pooped everywhere, and laughed & cursed the whole time. Just before the police and animal control arrived, they flew out a broken window and were gone.

Since that day, the Ten Blue Budgies, have caused trouble all over North America, the U.K., Ireland and Europe. They have caused tens of millions of dollars of damage, disrupted commerce & communication, assaulted hundreds of people, and crapped all over valuable property. There is a 5,00,000 dollar reward outstanding for their capture.

Not In This Issue: Periwinkles, Periscopes Or Peridots

…or anybody named Perri
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The Doclopedia #1,748
The Colors: Magenta

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The lovely three petaled, lace edged magenta flowers of the Arbonga Vine are beautiful to look at and smell wonderful.

They are also the last thing you’ll probably see before the lightning fast vine wraps around you and begins exuding powerful digestive enzymes. Your skin, muscles and internal organs will all be liquified and sucked up by the plant. Even your largest bones will be gone inside of a fortnight. Anything the plant cannot digest will be pulled into a pile of old leaves and compost, so as to hide it from it’s next meal.
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The Doclopedia #1,749
The Colors: Black

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For adventurers on Earth 903-D, the most valuable treasure not yet found is the Black Book of Wevendar. Written 2,000 years ago, the book is worth not a kingdom, but an empire. People would give up anything and everything to get it. Huge wars would be fought for it.

Why? Because it gives the reader the power to change the world and gain immortality. It’s essentially a way to become a God. In fact, the Black Book was written and used to bring about the end of the War of Gods & Men, 2,000 years ago. After that, the holy person who had used it caused it to be banished to “the loneliest place in the world”. All this time later, nobody has found it yet.

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Otyugh In The Bathtub

…there was no place else to put him
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The Doclopedia #1,746
The Colors: Dark Green

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Dark Green is the primary color of a Jungle Dragon. Built along the same lines as classic Chinese dragons (long snakelike body, small legs, no wings), these tropical dragons can grow to 90 feet long.

Of only average intelligence, the Jungle Dragon is still cunning and a superb hunter, They can move through even the thickest forest at speeds up to 30 miles an hour. Their primary food sources are deer, monkeys, wild hogs and explorers.

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The Doclopedia #1,747
The Colors: Tan

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On Earth 1-V, in the United States, if you see a woman wearing a tan suit, she is most likely a Morality Cop. Appointed by the First American Church, these women have the legal right to enter public places and private homes to check on morality violations.

Anyone found in violation can be arrested, issued a ticket or just let off with a warning. There are many laws that might be broken. Oddly, to us on Earth 1-A, almost none of them have to do with sex or sexuality. Most have to do with what we would call “not being an asshole”.

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Five Things That Parrots Like

…and not one of them is a fucking cracker
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The Doclopedia #1,744
Most Wanted : Dalpox Walvin

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Description: 4′ tall, 9′ across, light blue with black and yellow streaking, smells of frezent moss. Mouth area is wider than normal for a Uj Kaz.

Wanted For: Treason, illegal mating, absorption of a Oj Pix, defilement of the Leadership Tower

This vile criminal is insane and dangerous. If it approaches you, feel free to blast it.

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The Doclopedia #1,745
Most Wanted : Protectors Of The Galaxy

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Description: There are 5 so called “Protectors of the Galaxy”.

Lulu 7.5: A canine cyborg roughly the size of a rhinoceros. She is armed with a staggering array of weaponry and will not hesitate to use it. Her body is made of a vibranium/adamantium/neutronium alloy and so far has proven indestructible. This cyborg is the leader of the gang and possibly insane.

Flash: A roughly 7 pound male feline. Claims to be Lulu’s brother. Goes into battle in what he calls OctoCat armor. Master of hand to hand combat and ace pilot. Also probably insane.

Tr’Veert: Solonian nanoid. Genius and master engineer. Eco warrior and ant-slaver. Almost unstoppable at infiltration.

Hanarki Aodif: Lexian Psion. Can enter and control minds of most species. Looks human. Rumored to take enemy heads as trophies. Possible a cannibal.

Noot: A Yinderlil. Unlike others of it’s kind, will not hesitate to kill sapients. Noot is also a chemist. Very deadly when in flower phase.

Wanted For: Crimes against the Prolgaran Empire! Our Glorious Empire is 20% smaller because of these vile criminals. A 5 trillion credit reward is offered for their heads.

Handsome Joe Meets An Elephant

…at the zoo
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The Doclopedia #1,742
Most Wanted : The Blue Man

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Description: The villain known as The Blue Man stands 5′ 5” tall and has a stocky build. He wears a sky blue suit that covers his entire body. Analysis of his vocal patterns indicate that he probably spent his youth in or near Gulfport, Mississippi.

The Blue Man is a thief. He prefers to rob jewelry stores, armored cars and banks. His M.O. is to crash in with his gang, then use his great strength and agility to grab as much loot as possible. He possesses superhuman strength, durability and speed. He is not shy about hurting people or destroying property. His gang is always heavily armed and armored. He has been known to work with Plasmoid and Screams.

Wanted For: Murder, assault, theft, arson, assault on law enforcement officers, destruction of public & private property, and escaping from a Federal Penitentiary. He should be considered highly dangerous.

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The Doclopedia #1,743
Most Wanted : Big Mama LeSeur

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Description: Very large African American women, 6′ 10” tall, 450 pounds, extremely muscular. Dark skin, very little hair, usually wears a long back hair wig. One eye brown, one eye red. Nose has been broken more than once. Many scars on arms, torso and face.

LeSeur, whose first name is unknown, is a 107 year old moonwitch. She is believed to be ogre blooded. She is a mage of at least the red circle. Her specialty is Enchantment. She sells her services to criminals both human and otherwise.

As a moonwitch, LeSeur is most powerful at night. She is nigh indestructible during the the three nights of the full moon.

Wanted For: Dealing in forbidden magery, murder, consorting with goblinoids.

If you see or know the location of Big Mama LeSeur, contact your local Council of Mages chapter.

Zero Hour For Snake People

…fireballs away!
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The Doclopedia #1,740
Most Wanted : The Big Pig
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Description: The Big Pig, AKA Mario Porkoni, stands 6′ 4” tall. He has brown eyes, black hair and 4 inch tusks. He has a 2 inch long scar on his chinny chin chin. He always dresses in expensive suits, He usually wears 3 rings on each hand. Porkoni walks with a slight limp.

Wanted For: Racketeering, murder, assault, blackmail, grand theft, insurance fraud, larceny, arson, harboring known felons, extortion, drug trafficking, smuggling and wire fraud.

If you should see Porkoni, do not approach him. He is armed and dangerous and accompanied by 3 or more armed bodyguards.

Call the Toonited States F.B.I. With any information.
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The Doclopedia #1,741
Most Wanted : Aldarion Green

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Description: Male half elf, 6′ 2” tall, slender athletic build, fair complexion. Green eyes, medium blonde hair, ears slightly pointed. No facial hair. Usually dresses in a moderate fashion. No magical ability, but may possess some magical items. Often accompanied by a medium sized terrier dog.

Wanted For: Green is wanted for questioning in Waterfall City regarding multiple burglaries, possession and trafficking in stolen goods, money laundering, dealing in forbidden magic and contributing to adultery. Green left the City just ahead of a warrant for his arrest being issued. He is traveling with several friends, all of them under suspicion of a variety of illegal activities. They may be heading for Boltar’s Gate. A $500 gollur bounty is offered for information leading to Green’s capture.